Huldra Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I just listened to podcast 2940, where the caller talked about how his gf wanted to take a "break", and Stefan immediately pointed out that when a woman wants to take a "break" it's because she wants to see if she can do better, without having to give up the safety of the relationship entirely. This really resonated with me in my own relationship struggles. I've been with my bf for 4 years. Overall good relationship, and we're well on route to getting engaged soon - I consider him my best friend. But in the last year or so I've developed a lot of anxiety and fears like "what if I'm only with him because I'm afraid of being alone" (because I have never been single) or "what if there's someone better matched for me out there" (because I have only been in 1 other relationship and never "dated" / I did not know exactly what I wanted in a man when I met him at 22), and I find myself questioning everything, along with my attraction for him. All this thinking had led me to believe that we should take a "break" from one another, and if I think about it and am honest with myself, it's entirely true that this is so that I can determine whether I can "do better" or if I am making a mistake. At 26 I feel like I'm in a stage where the decisions I make right now are going to affect the rest of my life (choice of husband, having kids), and I'm so crippled by the fear of making the wrong choice, that I can't seem to make any decision at all. So.. my question is -- how should I as a woman, deal with this? Is this hypergamy manifesting itself? Am I sabotaging a good thing with a totally decent man with these fears, or are they valid? I'm very appreciative for any advice or feedback/thoughts on this..
NotDarkYet Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I can empathize with your situation. I'm a 36 year old male in the same predicament. I really like this girl. We've been together for 7 years.. But I'm afraid to marry/have-kids, because what if I can do better? Sorry. I have yet to find an answer
ProfessionalTeabagger Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 It's good you're honest about this and are giving it serious thought. My hunch is that if you're a needing a break and are possibly thinking that maybe you could do better then there is something missing in your relationship. Maybe identifying what that is would help. If you can't solve it but continue anyway the relationship will be permanently dysfunctional. 1
neeeel Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 No one can really tell you what to do. If it is hypergamy, then theres nothing necessarily wrong with that. But now that you have recognised it, it allows you to assess your options with more knowledge. Perhaps look at what the "better" is, when you think you can do better. what is your current boyfriend lacking? How often do you see males with the qualities that your current boyfriend is lacking?
Merrifield Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I'm not the best to give advice (two ex-wives) but I'd like to ask both Huldra and NotDarkYet, is there love in your relationships?
Huldra Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 I'm not the best to give advice (two ex-wives) but I'd like to ask both Huldra and NotDarkYet, is there love in your relationships? I belive that there is love - to what degree I'm not sure... How do you quantify or define love, really? How do you know when you love someone enough, and for the right reasons? Perhaps look at what the "better" is, when you think you can do better. what is your current boyfriend lacking? How often do you see males with the qualities that your current boyfriend is lacking? The quality I feel I'm missing from him is perhaps a sense of drive and leadership in the relationship, along with a stronger passion/ambition in life. How common this is with other men, I'm not sure.
NotDarkYet Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I don't know what love feels like. There was no love between my parents growings up. Even the word "love" was a no-no at my hose. And forget about hugs. I DO know that trust my GF, and she's a good person, not at all poisoned by neo-feminist propaganda. It's just that English is her 2nd language, and i get bored talking to her sometimes
Huldra Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 It's good you're honest about this and are giving it serious thought. My hunch is that if you're a needing a break and are possibly thinking that maybe you could do better then there is something missing in your relationship. Maybe identifying what that is would help. If you can't solve it but continue anyway the relationship will be permanently dysfunctional. Thank you. I think there is something missing but it's difficult to identify exactly what, or if I'm simply blowing something unimportant out of proportion due to anxiety and over-analyzing/ruminating thoughts. I came across this blog which deals specifically with relationship anxiety and a lot of it resonated with me. It challenges the popular cultural notion of "if you're in doubt or not 100% sure, you should leave". The problem is I can't distinguish what the root of the issue is: Is it anxiety brought on by my own thoughts/fears that I need to work through, or is it the relationship itself that is wrong for me? This is my current struggle.
Tony Crowe Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 @Huldra Those are great questions you're asking yourself. All of what you described sounds like a difficult time to be in for you. But, so what if it is hypergamy? Is that wrong? What is that anxiety designed to help you discover about yourself?
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