Mark Serene Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 What's up everyone! I'm curious, what experiences have you had with support and enabling (compassion vs co-dependency)? What are your thoughts on the co-dependent relationship?
MMX2010 Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Does she objectively and consistently behave better while you're with her than she would if you were to disappear? If so, that's support; if not, that's enabling. As far as co-dependency goes, the absolute best series of articles was written by Ricky Raw at therawness.com. There are six parts, and each part will (should!) take you at least two hours to read. So many paragraphs will make you instantly reflect upon all of your relationships and all of the close relationships you're aware of that you'll probably need to take notes, (or, sometimes, to stop and celebrate the insight). This is part one: http://therawness.com/reader-letters-1-part-1/
Bipedal Primate Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 co-dependence: When I do for another, what they can do for themself, I am sending a message that they are not capable. A person who believes they are not capable will become dependent on others, and this is how a co-dependent relationship begins. When I offer encouragement and support for another to do for themself, I am facilitating that person's independence from others. Independent vs co-dependent relationships: How I identify an insecure attachment with a partner or friend: ~Automatic thoughts become a substitute for real relating ~I smile to attract attention or cry to garner sympathy ~My behavior is organized on a goal-directed basis, to achieve the conditions that make me feel secure ~My behaviours are designed to maintain proximity ~My mood and interests shift in accordance with partner/friend ~I protest departures, I produce grand greetings at returns, clingy when frightened, follow when able ~I only feel safe, happy, or relaxed whlie with partner/friend ~If partner/friend is inaccessible or unresponsive, insecure behaviors are more strongly exhibited ~Anxiety, illness, and fatigue increase insecure behaviors How I identify a secure attachment with a partner or friend: ~The relationship is based on mutuality -- it's not about me or you, it's about us. ~We practice direct honest communication and share how we feel in the moment ~We pay attention and listen to eachother ~We maintain personal boundaries ~We are sensitive and responsive to partner/friend's boundaries ~We are flexible and open to new ways of doing things/communicating ~Proximity is preferred but not necessary ~We feel emotionally supported even when not together ~Conflict or unhappiness is addressed and negotiated ~We view a crisis in the relationship as an opportunity instead of a disaster ~We use co-reflection to maintain values ~We are co-creating something new by learning and growing together ~We are moving towards the life we want ~We understand the impact of trauma
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