Devon Gibbons Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I can't tell them how much I hate them for subsidizing me and usurping my motivation, infantilizing me. I can't even THANK them either, because to thank them for keeping me alive is shameful. I can't speak to the good nature of my parents for doing this either. I can't admit or communicate to anyone at all in my family, extended family, past relationships/friendships. Because of the overwhelming shame on me for "taking advantage of" my parents. My parents hate me with a vicious passion for blaming them for my situation. They have done "a lot" for me. Wouldn't you think they have had to have done so, after 23 years? I've told them to just stop giving me money. It's been like 1 year. They've made commitments 3 times, very, very, very, very intense and verbally atrocious situations each time, to set a date to stop funding me. They haven't. Recently they did it again. They really don't have any standards. Like they literally go insane, and we don't speak of it again. When I just want to talk about pros and cons of staying vs leaving, there's no reasoning, they don't see me as an emotional body with a natural preference for ease to stay. The arguments I begin become emotional disputations of their weakness. It becomes about them, and not me, because I angrily insist on their involvement. I insist they have an interest in my staying or leaving, they deny it. I become the punishing parent and they infantile narcissists. Then they say all the things they should say about one another about me. They project and take no self responsibility, acting as a "unit". When they are tame they are quite different. They literally, these are 55 year old individuals mind you, they literally have mannerisms of a 4 year old little boy and a 8 year old little girl, when I empathize with them. To get them at all interested in what I have to say, I have to be really exciting and spin very intricate stories and metaphors to keep their childlike attentions. I am feeling so fake. They just want me to entertain them. To entertain their childlike personalities. Really turns me off to when people, even kids that age, act like that. These are 55 year olds who don't know how to have a discussion that actually leads anywhere. My dad has been stuck for a very long time in his habits, as has my mom. My intellectual / emotional capacity is severely limited around them. I have crushing self doubt, and my mom says "I think you could get a job in a week if you tried". She doesn't care if I try. She's not curious about my search. Just expects me to hardcore search for jobs. She's deluded. I never have in the capacity she says, questioning her if that's really even possible she belittles the question, "Do I seriously have to answer that..?" This blasé determination to focus on my work issues, lack of support, has helped me to not do that hard core search she occasionally expects, which led to these last 3 atrocious confrontations. Something you might find interesting is that she works in social services for the government to get developmentally disabled individuals work and sees herself as an expert in helping people find jobs and wants to pretend like she's providing value to me. She barely ever communicates with me about jobs, has a very inflexible approach, not giving two shits about considering my work experience or interests. Just expects an extremely small quota for a record of job applications, like 2 per week. My dad, I talk to him, and he just walks out or ends the conversation within 5 sentences, gets impatient and angry if I tell him I am having trouble. He thinks my mom is doing a great job of overseeing my plan of action. I just play her game of pretending that I am competent to take the responsibility of her supposed - well not really HER'S, but OUR _COLLECTIVE_ help for the son of the house through months of isolation, years really. My parents literally refer to some invisible collective of the family a lot of the time. By saying "we will", for example, rather than "I will", "she will", or "you will...do (so and so)". I have got to somehow work it out here, I don't have the money, the little money I do have I feel I haven't the right to spend because it's been mixed with moneyI haven't earned that I haven't been keeping track of. They don't record how much they spend on me. They don't even tell me. It's a secret almost. I insult my mom when I ask, I don't even know why it's insulting. I can't keep up with the expectations I frustratingly compulsively agree to. They judge me off these expectations which aren't rational and then say, "You won't be PERFECT at whatever job you get, you'll be new, and they'll train you". When they speak this reason I almost want to leap out and strangle them,for their hypocrisy and extreme neglect not guiding me with help during this time, when they say that they are and have.
neeeel Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Hi, I can sympathise with your frustration. Your hatred for your parents and their hypocrisy are colouring everything for you. I know that, with my parents, I could not accept or listen to anything they said, because I didnt trust that they had my interests at heart, even though their advice may( or may not) have been useful. They werent interested in what I wanted. So for example, when your parents say "You won't be PERFECT at whatever job you get, you'll be new, and they'll train you" , this might sound perfectly rational and reasonable to an outsider, but because of your history, and your knowledge of them, its unacceptable. It sounds to me like you are basically saying "I want to move out and stand on my own two feet, and my parents arent letting me do that " ( or alternatively, "I want to move out and stand on my own two feet, and my parents arent helping me to do that") . Correct me if I am wrong? It also seems like you think that taking their money is immoral? And I would say, no its not. At the moment, their money is being used to infantilise and control you. How much control do you have over the money? Do they hand it over to you to do what you want with? You have a monthly allowance? Or do you have to go to them and beg and justify what they give you? Why cant you save up the money they give you until you have enough to move out and support yourself? Perhaps that takes a year, or two years, and so be it. Maybe you feel that you arent ready or capable of looking after and supporting yourself as you are just now. In that case, can you use their money to pay for therapy to get you to a place where you can look after and support yourself? Or talk to them about paying for therapy on top of what they already give you, so that you can save for breaking away, and get therapy at the same time? If you really feel that you cant use their money, what is it that is stopping you from making a clean break and moving out, or away from them ? The way you talk , it seems like you feel you are trapped, so I am wondering what it is that is trapping you? I realise that I may have misunderstood what you were saying, in which case I apologise in advance
villagewisdom Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 Sorry to hear you are entitled. That sounds really painful. What would your life be if you had no parents and you weren't entitled?
J. D. Stembal Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I don't think entitled is the word that describes you, and your familial relationship. Disenfranchised would be more accurate. What do you think? Ask yourself, do you want to move out and why? You and your parents must be deriving a net positive result in keeping the family together, and restraining you under their wing. Perhaps they really despise the other and would have undesirable conflicts in your absence. You may be the glue holding the whole boat together. It's difficult to guess what their motivations would be as yet. Obviously, furnishing endless money isn't helping you. It strikes me as a form of parental Quantitative Easing, and your parents are your Federal Reserve. When I just want to talk about pros and cons of staying vs leaving, there's no reasoning, they don't see me as an emotional body with a natural preference for ease to stay. If you come to the conclusion that you really want to leave, and your parents are trying to entice you to stay, you need to tell them your desire to leave. I think it is worth exploring this topic again if you already have. If they aren't supportive of that goal, it's time to sell your non-necessities to raise some capital, go find some roommates or couchsurf (there are tons of internet resources for this), doing the household chores for a spot on the futon. If you put yourself in an environment that isn't dominated by your parents, and you are around people who do not infantilize you, you can start to see yourself for who you really are. If you are in a critical financial situation, and will end up living on the street, please call into the radio show, or perhaps there is a FDR member in your local area that would be able to assist. I recommend steering clear of drugs and alcohol, even casually, so when you are looking for a place to live, ask your potential room mates about their party habits. I don't know if you like to drink or not, but I used alcohol for a long time to dull the pain of having little to no emotional support from my parents. It sounds like our parents are very similar in that respect. I can't tell them how much I hate them for subsidizing me and usurping my motivation, infantilizing me. I can't even THANK them either, because to thank them for keeping me alive is shameful. I can't speak to the good nature of my parents for doing this either. I can't admit or communicate to anyone at all in my family, extended family, past relationships/friendships. Because of the overwhelming shame on me for "taking advantage of" my parents. My parents hate me with a vicious passion for blaming them for my situation. They have done "a lot" for me. Wouldn't you think they have had to have done so, after 23 years? Were you ever accused of being an "ungrateful" child by your parents? I was called this numerous times by my father when our father-son relationship began to sour after puberty. If fact, we did not have a significant or trusting relationship my whole life. He was almost never home, and constantly traveling or taking night classes. My mother was home more, but that's only because she worked in the public sector, like your mother. I hid nearly everything that I could from my parents. They didn't know that I started drinking at 15. They did not know that I was arrested at 18 for petty larceny. They didn't know when I lost my virginity. They didn't even know the names of most of the girls that I dated. I'm really angry that I couldn't trust my parents. Why didn't I get angry sooner? 3
Omegahero09 Posted May 13, 2015 Posted May 13, 2015 I'm confused. So far, you make it sound bad, but you haven't stated whether you: have a job, are really looking for one (it's not hard btw), what your long time goal is (is there a field you are interested in pursuing? are you interested in education, or learning a trade?), and the extent to which your parents are providing for you. If your parents are providing for you, then I don't understand why you wouldn't just take their provisions until you find a job serviceable for your moving out- especially if you don't have a job. Could you elaborate on why specifically their provisions are a problem for you if you currently don't have the means/ability to provide for yourself at this time? Or perhaps provide more of a context to your situation? 1
Devon Gibbons Posted May 14, 2015 Author Posted May 14, 2015 What would your life be if you had no parents and you weren't entitled? I'd be happier. More virtuous. Kinder. More interested in other people. Stronger. More courageous. Spontaneous. Less chronically depressed. More self-expressive, more creative. More interesting and more helpful. More principled. I don't think entitled is the word that describes you, and your familial relationship. Disenfranchised would be more accurate. What do you think? Yeah, I think it is more disenfranchised. I haven't asked for much. My sister on the other hand... Voting is not allowed. Socialism is law. "Kindness" is what they call their tyranny. Their "kindness" transforms their faces to an ugly smugness.
villagewisdom Posted May 14, 2015 Posted May 14, 2015 villagewisdom, on 13 May 2015 - 09:02 AM, said: What would your life be if you had no parents and you weren't entitled? I'd be happier. More virtuous. Kinder. More interested in other people. Stronger. More courageous. Spontaneous. Less chronically depressed. More self-expressive, more creative. More interesting and more helpful. More principled. Wow, sounds like a good plan. Those are all created by you and no one else. No one can stop you from having that life. I say -- Go for it.
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