Matthew Ed Moran Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Most of us have years of experience being dependent on abusive caregivers. As children, this is not chosen, but a consequence of being small, fragile, and powerless. However as adults, I believe it is a choice to remain dependent on abusive former-caregivers. I think there is reason why we are influenced to make this decision to remain dependent. I will speak primarily of my own experience in this regard. I have had over two decades of experience being financially and emotionally dependent on my abusive mother. A primary theme in our relationship has been verbal and physical conflict. This was present from my earliest memories, and persists today. There are more than a handful of these conflicts that I can look back on and say "I cannot imagine how this could have gotten worse." I feel I have "seen it all" when it comes to the extremes of how a conflict could escalate between us. What comes with this two-decade long experience is a certain set of skills. I have enormously more experience managing abuse than I have had developing any other skill. Therefore, despite being traumatic and emotionally unhealthy, my continued chosen exposure to abuse contains a vast familiarity, predictability, and ability to manage. And what is worse, the development of these skills has come at a huge cost of developing the opposite skills necessary to flourish in a life without abuse - some of which are negotiation, patience, sobriety, and mindfulness. Therefore, I feel that abuse is predictable, and can therefore seem comfortable and alluring, while a rejection of abuse is unpredictable, challenging, and therefore uncomfortable and frightening. TL;DR My question is this: what is your experience in manifesting the courage needed to reject and move on from a state of dependency on abusive care-givers? What precautions did you take? How did you manage the anxiety? Did your independence come slowly, or did you make deliberate, powerful decisions which you knew would make you very uncomfortable in the short term for the benefit of the long term? I personally want to move on from my state of dependency, but I realize the allure of being comfortable can distort my decisions and my plans to become independent. I am wondering what time horizon I should expect of myself, whether I make rapid decisions to leave my abuse ASAP, or whether I should take relatively more time to make sure when I leave, that I will be able to sustain myself for good. Any personal experiences you share are much appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lens Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 In my view abuse is not a consequence of us children having been small and powerless but being surrounded by abusive and violent giant adults. Your statement is full of guilt feelings and that is maybe why you still feel helpless and find it difficult to move on to a safer place away from your abusive family. The fear that comes after you say "no more” is the one that you need to respect, feel and overcome and maybe you need a therapist to support you to go through that wall. If you stay it’s because you do not want to face the harsh reality that you had parents that did not love you or care for you but put you through very difficult times and this was not your fault but theirs. Try to do baby steps and get away from your family at your own pace, unfortunately the fear is unavoidable and it is through this fear that you will become stronger but keep in mind that you cannot be free as long as you have them around and expecting them to change. Abusive people never change. You need to run away and save your life! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamizee Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 I am in a very similar situation as you. I am extremely financially dependent on my parents, but around them I am emotionally volatile. I wish I could say I have moved out, I wish I could say it's a thing of the past. It's not though. It's a very difficult situation to get out of. I think what is pushing me now is the realization that staying here is only holding me back from what I could be - and what I want to be. I start therapy next week and am looking for a place to move into. I think those steps are actualizing my goal of ending my relationship with my family. Hopefully by setting yourself up for freedom slowly, you will achieve it. I really recommend you read Real Time Relationships if you have not, Stef talks about being comfortable with abuse and its consequences on the individual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matthew Ed Moran Posted May 13, 2015 Author Share Posted May 13, 2015 In my view abuse is not a consequence of us children having been small and powerless but being surrounded by abusive and violent giant adults. Your statement is full of guilt feelings and that is maybe why you still feel helpless and find it difficult to move on to a safer place away from your abusive family. The fear that comes after you say "no more” is the one that you need to respect, feel and overcome and maybe you need a therapist to support you to go through that wall. If you stay it’s because you do not want to face the harsh reality that you had parents that did not love you or care for you but put you through very difficult times and this was not your fault but theirs. Try to do baby steps and get away from your family at your own pace, unfortunately the fear is unavoidable and it is through this fear that you will become stronger but keep in mind that you cannot be free as long as you have them around and expecting them to change. Abusive people never change. You need to run away and save your life! Thanks for your reply. I didn't notice that misstatement, and I agree with you that abuse is not a necessary consequence of being small and powerless. It could be guilt, that is possible. Did anything else besides that statement strike you as guilty? I did also mean to say that children cannot chose to be financially independent, where as an adult can. Yet some, or at least I, still find a lot of difficulty taking steps towards becoming financially independent. I fear moving out and living on very minimal wages, but I also fear the prospect of trying to learn a skill while living in a verbally abusive household, and I debate what is realistic for me to undertake. But I guess being fearful isn't going to get me much. I agree this is something that would be useful to bring up to a therapist, and I plan to. I have no plans to stay with abusive people, and will never accept that as an option. But I am worried about my practical situation, and how I will get from here to there. I plan to make a thread about careers that accessible with self-study, which is a more practical question, where as you may be correct this post was more about expressing guilt and helplessness, maybe without me even realizing at first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PGP Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 This may help. I quit smoking after smoking most of 14 years in January (Guns and Roses-14 years, if this was a film, it would be playing ;-P). Enough with my narkery..... Quitting smoking is a part of a process for me that will go on for some time to come, but at that time, I wrote this: "It has just occurred to me that smoking acts as a coping mechanism for me in life. It does this in this manner: I am reducing my life to what is manageable. What I think I can control. In this absence of uncertainty, the vast world and the uncertainties it brings are waiting. Within my sphere, the challenge/uncertainty is smoking. It occupies my mind and my emotion. It functions as a focal point for my attention and therefore precludes my attention on greater or other things. If I stop smoking, the uncertainties of the world that have built up and all of my other issues present themselves. This is scary as hell. It is also the nature of men to require this uncertainty. Without it, we are nothing. In order to deal with this great Unknown, the capacity, wisdom and knowledge of a man must be suited somewhat to the challenge at hand. If not, he will either be bored or overwhelmed. The danger in quitting smoking is that the world seems overwhelming to me. I have so much to do and achieve and it is hard. But, I am also free and capable and smart and independently-minded. So, the strategy would be to break everything down to what is manageable. What is priority and what is important and what is not. Nonetheless, there is stress involved in this change. How I deal with this stress will define my future and my destiny, my view of the world and my place in it." --------- In short, the safety of any one particular situation is an illusion. Mastering one part of life leads to more and then exponentially more uncertainty and unknown. In your current situation, you have the illusion of safety in an abusive environment. You don't necessarily need courage, just to see things for what they are and then act rationally. You are going to die anyway. Please, just don't take 14 years like I did ;-D. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lens Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 Matthew: what you need is empathy and compassion for yourself having been in abusive environment is not easy to get out of it. I have lived in a very abusive family I felt very guilty when I decided to defoo. Now I don't feel much guilt for not calling and I didn't see them for 5 years now and will most likely never see them again. Therapy will most likely help you to build a sense of self which was crushed by your family. PTSD heals with self compassion and commitment and it takes time. Having been in a concentration camp for years doesn't heal in 24 hours be patient. Also journal about your work issues and write about what you are afraid of and what you would like to achieve. Again you are not guilty what you are going thru is a logical outcome of abuse. Your future therapist should have these qualities of empathy and compassion you need those to learn to give them to yourself. Most people on earth unconsciously treat themselves with contempt and hatred like their parents treated them in childhood that is why it is still difficult to find therapists or friends who will not ask you to forgive, forget and move on. Try this podcast about a listener who is in the same situation as you are the podcast title is Courage http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_1254_Courage.mp3 Another one is about empathy for the unfree http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/empathy_part_2.mp3 Escaping isolation. I think this one will talk to you in a big way It’s s long podcast try to listen to the last call from 3h 35min till the end http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_2588_Wednesday_Show_15_Jan_2014.mp3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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