Question about FDR2851 - Tinder, Slut Shaming and Relationship Economics

[John Sambrook]

In this show, Stephan discusses that people calcify as they get older. This occurs about 37:30 into the show.

 

I wonder, what is the mechanism that causes people to become more and more closed, more and more set in their ways.

 

I ask, because I'm still grieving for some relationships I have had in the past. It's difficult for me to accept that nothing can be done to salvage them, because the people involved (perhaps including me) have become closed to new information.

 

Thoughts?

[Slavik]

In this show, Stephan discusses that people calcify as they get older. This occurs about 37:30 into the show.

 

I wonder, what is the mechanism that causes people to become more and more closed, more and more set in their ways.

 

I ask, because I'm still grieving for some relationships I have had in the past. It's difficult for me to accept that nothing can be done to salvage them, because the people involved (perhaps including me) have become closed to new information.

 

Thoughts?

From what I understand, by the age of 25 the brain is completely formed.  Absent of any traumatic events, the brain hardly changes.  It takes a lot of painful work, and wanting to work on yourself in order to change as you get older.  Also, as people get older, they are now surrounded by family, friends and community, thus making it that much more costly for them to change or want to change, too much invested by later age.   

[thebeardslastcall]

The mind accumulates self-reinforcing habits over time that solidify each other in the mind making them harder and harder to change. The mind works, functionally, to learn where to give focus and attention. This is a filtering system, which has a tendency to narrow scope of vision over time if the person isn't actively working to prevent this. If you could override or lose learned behavior and habits too easily it would be kind of dangerous and lead to dysfunction. Habits are a necessary thing for the mind to function in the world, but this has the byproduct of making people increasingly more rigid in their thinking as they age. If you've believed something for 50 years it's going to be deeply interwoven into all your ideas, whereas if you've just accepted it, then it has a small mental presence and interweave making it easier to change and 'root out' of the mind. This is also why religious ideas beaten into kids heads from early age is so powerful, because all these ideas interweave into all future experiences and separating this belief out to change it is very difficult.

[PatrickC]

In this show, Stephan discusses that people calcify as they get older. This occurs about 37:30 into the show.

 

I wonder, what is the mechanism that causes people to become more and more closed, more and more set in their ways.

 

I ask, because I'm still grieving for some relationships I have had in the past. It's difficult for me to accept that nothing can be done to salvage them, because the people involved (perhaps including me) have become closed to new information.

 

Thoughts?

 

I'm very sorry to hear about the relationship grief you're experiencing. I'm 46 and before I discovered philosophy/self knowledge (2008) I had two very special romantic relationships in my past that both fell apart in quite painful ways. Both of which continued to blight any future relationships I would have. I'd say it's a plus that you at least recognise this grief as hampering your further development. Most people in a similar situation often never realise it.

 

So if it's any help, after some studious time in therapy and learning first principles I have managed to turn this old tanker around. I'm still single, but feeling much better prepared for any future romantic relationship I may have. In my case I think it helped that I had no children, wasn't married and my social network were all but slowly disappearing into their individual family lives.

[PatrickC]

Unfortunately my first post got moderated. So I'm sorry if this is out of context for you. Hopefully my previous post will arrive soon. But I wanted to add that I also have experienced grief regarding the decisions of my close family to not accept any culpability for the things they did or that other family members did.

 

I think this is the hardest part of all, particularly in ones middle age. I felt the cold harsh reality of feeling very alone in the world. At a time in my life when I should have been enjoying a family of my own. There was a lot of incentives for me to discard philosophy and new information altogether for the imediate comfort and relief of old relationships.

[John Sambrook]

I'm genuinely grateful for the advice. It's nice to be able to discuss such things.

 

Patrick, you hit the nail on the head when you write about feeling alone in middle age. Perhaps we have followed somewhat similar paths. I feel quite disappointed and sad at times, essentially having to pick myself up at age 55 and start over. 

 

I don't regret taking the Red Pill, and I don't think anything could make me turn back, but the price to be paid seems quite high. I still expect it to be worth it and so I continue to plug away on self-knowledge and working to become more virtuous.

 

I hope this makes some sense.... 

[PatrickC]

Patrick, you hit the nail on the head when you write about feeling alone in middle age. Perhaps we have followed somewhat similar paths. I feel quite disappointed and sad at times, essentially having to pick myself up at age 55 and start over. 

 

Yes, I had that feeling of regret for almost 2/3 years. I wished that I had discovered these ideas in my teens when I was first starting out in life. Those romantic liasons would never have happened and I wouldn't have wasted my time on the grief associated with them thereafter either. I also would have been young enough to overcome the rejection from my family. As making lifelong friends is much easier in ones 20's of course.

 

In many ways I had to grieve for that lost part of my life as part of my process for recovery. The grief being for my lack of knowledge (at the time) and having become so harsh on myself. There is also a danger that we reinflict that harshness on ourselves if we become entrenched in those regrets. These were quite painful recollections to finally understand and accept, but entirely necessary for me to go through. I think 'regret' about our past choices is perhaps the last but hardest hurdle to overcome within our age group, after all the rest. At least it has seemed that way for me.