I think I'm a conversational narcissist.

[Shea Roberts]

When I was younger, I was very shy and didn't have many friends, nor did I talk much. People always said I was really quiet. As I've gotten older and more confident I have apparently gone in the opposite direction. A few years ago, before I actively started pursuing self-knowledge, people sometimes said I talked too much. I've noticed that I happen to talk about myself or things in my life a lot as well. I'm in a weird place where I know what I'm doing, but I have difficulty not doing it. I know the key to having a good conversation with people is empathy and active listening, but I find myself just anticipating when the other person finishes so I can give my two cents on the matter, no matter how trivial.

 

Is there any way to fix this? I've tried going "silent" a few times and only responding to people, but I always end up back to jabbering away at some point. I really don't want to be either silent, nor hog conversations or turn it to myself. 

It's weird because it only affects my personal life really. When I'm in a professional setting I don't seem to talk about myself too much unless asked. I thought perhaps a solution is to view my personal life as a business setting, but then I don't feel authentic. 

One of the first books on self-knowledge I read was "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, and it has only helped me become self-aware of how much I do talk about myself. I've used a lot of the advice in the book, but it seems to only help professionally and not personally. As a result I still have few friends that I'd consider close. 

Does anyone have any past experience with this or advice on what I can do? I know I need to ask questions and be genuinely interested in others, but that impulsive itch to talk always creeps up and it's hard to stamp out when it does.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Devon Gibbons]

Well, i think it would be helpful to look at an example of a conversation you have had recently that you have had? Who have you talked to when this occurs and what do you talk about? You may be wrong or right.. What is the content of what you want to say or find yourself saying when you talk?

[Slavik]

Something you have mentioned in your first paragraph bothers me a bit.  "When I was younger, I was very shy and didn't have many friends, nor did I talk much. People always said I was really quiet."  I dont think children are naturally quiet or not sociable.  That is if people take interest in them, namely parents.  It might be worth exploring your childhood further.  I also am not sure what you mean when you say that you keep "jabbering" away?  Is "jabbering" your word, or is it the word that someone used on you in the past to shut down your talking?  

 

Lastly, I am not certain that indeed you talk too much, the paragraphs you have written seem to be very concise and to the point, no tendencies for incoherent run ons.  Its really hard to say.  If you do have this happening, well the question might be best answered while putting others into this equation, by this I mean; does this happen with people who are not interesting to you or does this happen with people you are trying to connect with?     

[LovePrevails]

ask lots of questions

 

pretend you're a private eye trying to find out what they enjoy talking about the most and get them talking on that issue

 

ask them about things they know about that you are not well researched in

 

you may find that you enjoy other people talking more if they are enjoying themselves more

[MysterionMuffles]

When I was younger, I was very shy and didn't have many friends, nor did I talk much. People always said I was really quiet. As I've gotten older and more confident I have apparently gone in the opposite direction. A few years ago, before I actively started pursuing self-knowledge, people sometimes said I talked too much. I've noticed that I happen to talk about myself or things in my life a lot as well. I'm in a weird place where I know what I'm doing, but I have difficulty not doing it. I know the key to having a good conversation with people is empathy and active listening, but I find myself just anticipating when the other person finishes so I can give my two cents on the matter, no matter how trivial.

 

Is there any way to fix this? I've tried going "silent" a few times and only responding to people, but I always end up back to jabbering away at some point. I really don't want to be either silent, nor hog conversations or turn it to myself. 

 

It's weird because it only affects my personal life really. When I'm in a professional setting I don't seem to talk about myself too much unless asked. I thought perhaps a solution is to view my personal life as a business setting, but then I don't feel authentic. 

 

One of the first books on self-knowledge I read was "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, and it has only helped me become self-aware of how much I do talk about myself. I've used a lot of the advice in the book, but it seems to only help professionally and not personally. As a result I still have few friends that I'd consider close. 

 

Does anyone have any past experience with this or advice on what I can do? I know I need to ask questions and be genuinely interested in others, but that impulsive itch to talk always creeps up and it's hard to stamp out when it does.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

That's a very good book. Helped me a lot too.

 

But yeah, good way to stop this is wonder...is it really THAT bad? Has anyone ever complained that you talk too much about yourself? We all have the tendancy to share things about ourselves that may relate to what the other person is saying.

 

For active listening, try to feel yourself hold your thoughts back. I think I can relate to the anxiety you may or may not feel when it comes to witholding certain thoughts and opinions. You really do need to learn detachment from them if what somebody else is talking about, and their conversational flow, is more important than whatever little quibbles you like to add in.

 

It's good that you're self aware so there's some work to get done. Another thing I'd suggest is maybe recording audio journals or writing in a journal so you can get your need for self expression out of your system. I notice I become more of a listener of other people if I've listened to myself a great deal first. Either in a recording/writing of an audio/regular journal or listening/reading entries so I get a grasp of my current mental bearings.

 

Try also remembering how conversations went with your parents as a kid. Did they ask you much questions or just talk over you? I notice that a lot of people I've befriended here have the habit of non-stop talking, which isn't a bad thing, because I love to hear their thoughts on things. But sometimes, and within myself, it speaks volumes of how little we were allowed to express our most honest thoughts, so when someone finally wants to listen, we can't get enough of that attention.

 

Based on the conversations you had with your parents, if they were the egocentric type to only speak of themselves instead of taking an interest in the thoughts of your developing infant brain as a kid, it would point to how and why you've become a "conversational narcissist."

 

So few questions I guess I should ask you:

1. What's the worst case scenario if you don't interject with your thoughts while someone else is talking?
2. How many questions are you asking based on what they've said vs. for the sake of trying to keep the conversation going?
3. If you're not asking any questions, why not?
4. Are you around people who keep talking unless interrupted, or do they know when to stop?
5. Are the people around you asking you any questions about you?
6. Have any of them brought up any criticisms about you talking about yourself?

[MMX2010]

LovePrevails gave the best advice, in my opinion.  It echoes the advice of blogger, TheLastPsychistrist, (who, in my opinion, best understands narcissism). 

 

He says that lots of people ask him what the cure for narcissism is.  And he tells them.  But they don't get it.  They ask him anyway. 

 

And he says, "The cure for narcissism has two steps: (1) fake not being a narcissist.  (2) There is no Step Two; there is only Step One." 

 

The counter-argument is always the same.  Something like, "You're a professional Psychiatrist!  You know about all sorts of mind-altering drugs.  You know about all sorts of therapy!  And your snarky advice is all you're giving me?!?" 

 

And so TheLastPsychiatrist sighs and says, "You misunderstand.  The cure for narcissism is the cure for narcissism because it's not for you.  It's for everyone you'll ever come into contact with." 

 

-------------------

 

If you can read that and smile in understanding, you'll realize why LovePrevails gave the best advice.  Then you'll just implement it. 

[Shea Roberts]

Thank you all for the replies! I'm going to work through many of them as best I can.
 

Well, i think it would be helpful to look at an example of a conversation you have had recently that you have had? Who have you talked to when this occurs and what do you talk about? You may be wrong or right.. What is the content of what you want to say or find yourself saying when you talk?

Hmm, I really don't have any specific conversations. It's more of me observing the situation as it's happening. The conversation often times ends with me.

There was a time some years ago where a "friend" of mine (I put that in quotes because looking back on it, she wasn't much of a friend) was having issues and I, as her friend only, offered some advice and she shouted back that I wasn't her father. That was the first real indication that perhaps I talked more than listened. I can't recall if she ever asked for the advice, but I thought it was appropriate based on her tone of voice. Either way, after that I distanced myself from her and haven't been that close since.

 

 

Something you have mentioned in your first paragraph bothers me a bit.  "When I was younger, I was very shy and didn't have many friends, nor did I talk much. People always said I was really quiet."  I dont think children are naturally quiet or not sociable.  That is if people take interest in them, namely parents.  It might be worth exploring your childhood further.  I also am not sure what you mean when you say that you keep "jabbering" away?  Is "jabbering" your word, or is it the word that someone used on you in the past to shut down your talking?  

 

Lastly, I am not certain that indeed you talk too much, the paragraphs you have written seem to be very concise and to the point, no tendencies for incoherent run ons.  Its really hard to say.  If you do have this happening, well the question might be best answered while putting others into this equation, by this I mean; does this happen with people who are not interesting to you or does this happen with people you are trying to connect with?     

I was often alone as a child because my parents divorced when I was nine, and my brother went to live with my dad. So it was just me and my mother from that point on until I was around 15 or so. But even before all of that, my dad was just sort of distant and didn't really talk to me much. My mother was the type that she was the adult and my opinion really didn't matter. I've always been opinionated about something but she never really bothered to care about what it was. Even now, she seems to listen but the topics I talk about she just shows no interest in whatsoever. More recently, we've found a common interest to talk about so that is nice, but up until then there wasn't much there. My ideas about life, religion, etc. are largely opposite of hers, so instead of being curious about why I felt the way I did, she just sort of dismisses it or denies it.

ask lots of questions

 

pretend you're a private eye trying to find out what they enjoy talking about the most and get them talking on that issue

 

ask them about things they know about that you are not well researched in

 

you may find that you enjoy other people talking more if they are enjoying themselves more

Thank you. I do know that I need to be curious about others and ask more questions, my problem is that impulse of injecting my thought into something is where I stumble. The person will say something that I feel I can relate to, and in some way I think saying that I have a similar story or can relate in some way is an attempt at forming a connection or empathizing with them. 

 

That's a very good book. Helped me a lot too.

 

But yeah, good way to stop this is wonder...is it really THAT bad? Has anyone ever complained that you talk too much about yourself? We all have the tendancy to share things about ourselves that may relate to what the other person is saying.

 

For active listening, try to feel yourself hold your thoughts back. I think I can relate to the anxiety you may or may not feel when it comes to witholding certain thoughts and opinions. You really do need to learn detachment from them if what somebody else is talking about, and their conversational flow, is more important than whatever little quibbles you like to add in.

 

It's good that you're self aware so there's some work to get done. Another thing I'd suggest is maybe recording audio journals or writing in a journal so you can get your need for self expression out of your system. I notice I become more of a listener of other people if I've listened to myself a great deal first. Either in a recording/writing of an audio/regular journal or listening/reading entries so I get a grasp of my current mental bearings.

 

Try also remembering how conversations went with your parents as a kid. Did they ask you much questions or just talk over you? I notice that a lot of people I've befriended here have the habit of non-stop talking, which isn't a bad thing, because I love to hear their thoughts on things. But sometimes, and within myself, it speaks volumes of how little we were allowed to express our most honest thoughts, so when someone finally wants to listen, we can't get enough of that attention.

 

Based on the conversations you had with your parents, if they were the egocentric type to only speak of themselves instead of taking an interest in the thoughts of your developing infant brain as a kid, it would point to how and why you've become a "conversational narcissist."

 

So few questions I guess I should ask you:

1. What's the worst case scenario if you don't interject with your thoughts while someone else is talking?
2. How many questions are you asking based on what they've said vs. for the sake of trying to keep the conversation going?
3. If you're not asking any questions, why not?
4. Are you around people who keep talking unless interrupted, or do they know when to stop?
5. Are the people around you asking you any questions about you?
6. Have any of them brought up any criticisms about you talking about yourself?

 

Thank you for the suggestion. I will look into writing or recording a journal. I know I have lots of opinions, and I want to get better at expressing them, so perhaps this is a way I can do both. Have you found recording or writing to be more beneficial? I will try both and see what works for me. I've often found my writing skill is better than my verbal skills.

1. I have had situations where I have successfully held back my thoughts, and nothing bad happened. However, at the time I was more focused on not expressing the thought than listening to what was being said. This was in a group situation however so it was a bit easier to hold back.

 

2. I feel as I do ask more questions now, but anytime they give an answer, I let them finish and then inject my thoughts. I am now practicing witholding my thoughts until they ask me about my opinion on the matter. 

3. I do ask questions, I don't believe there's ever a time where I completely dominate the conversation but I'd like to reduce it to 50/50. I guess I'm making progress in that regard.

 

4. Most of the people I am around are co-workers these days, and all seem to be decent conversationalists. I've found I don't have much in common with many of them, but a few I feel I can share a discussion with.

 

5. Not really. Some do, and those are the ones I find it easier to talk to. It's weird, the ones where I find more common ground with I don't seem to have a problem. I will say though, that talking to my best friend back home (I live in Japan, they're back in the States) usually involves me talking a lot though. We hardly ever talk and while we do share our opinions back and forth, I tend to talk more in that case. Perhaps with the time apart, the stuff I want to talk about just builds up and the dam bursts when we finally connect. He never complains though, but I will work on letting him speak more. We email back and forth regularly and it's more 50/50.

 

6. Not so much now. I've heard it in the past from people, but not in recent years. Perhaps they're trying not to be rude and don't want to say it, but I find people will sometimes just not respond to what I say. They sort of just nod their head and change the topic or end the conversation. 

[AustinJames]

I can sympathize with your dilemma.  I'm afraid I don't have a perfect solution, as I am currently struggling in a similar way, but I can tell you this:  when I refrain from giving my personal opinion in some conversations, I find I am more curious, and more capable of empathy.  In my experience, it's helpful to ask lots of questions and exhibit abundant curiosity, and withhold my own viewpoint until I am convinced I am dealing with someone with equal (or at least similar) empathetic capability.  Be equally curious about yourself and about those you converse with.  

 

Once you have established that there is equal interest, there is nothing wrong with talking about yourself; in fact it would be rationally inconsistent at that point to be withholding.  Grow your own empathetic capabilities to sense when you are being narcissistic and when you are being self-deprecating.

 

Practice.  Talk with people who are pursuing self-knowledge.  They will tell you when you are being a jerk.  

[LovePrevails]

Thank you for the suggestion. I will look into writing or recording a journal. I know I have lots of opinions, and I want to get better at expressing them, so perhaps this is a way I can do both. Have you found recording or writing to be more beneficial? I will try both and see what works for me. I've often found my writing skill is better than my verbal skills.

 

Shea that is surprisingly common and is called "Personal story telling" - lots of people do it - and there is a time and place for it, we relate by telling stories

What you have is a self-monitoring  defecit, you're impatient maybe, in case you forget something important or don't get your say

peg your personal story and hold onto for a while, wait till the other person gives an indication that it's your turn and go for it!

 

Probably the best thing you can do to improve your self-monitoring is take some kind of course in life coaching or counselling skills, even a basic one must help a lot if it gives you first hand experience coaching/counselling people

alternatively you can volunteer with an agency like the samaritans which take phone calls, they will provide you in training in how to listen and relate effectively before sharing your own material

 

warm regards

[cagney156]

I don't know the details of your situation... But from my experience there aren't that many people with whom you can really communicate on an intellectuell level!

 

In the case of my parents I realised that they stopped developing emotionaly and intellectually at age 17 or something. They have a inner stasis and I guess on ther death bed they still will be children inside, but thats ok. Sometimes it's just fine to have a emotional connection to people, when they're beautiful and not sick or abusive on an emotional level. Growing up is nothing that happens by itself, it's an decission that everyone of us has to make and constantly work on... To use a more spiritual terminology for growing up: allign oneself with truth! very, very few people really do that! Most people have decided to stay little children and hide their whole life in childisch, abstract emotions, drugabuse or ridicilous, time wasting forms of entertainment.

 

My mother allways tells me, not everybody can be a smartass like you! and she's right... There are different levels of connection to other human beings. When a person is still more earth than soul, you may enjoy his/her presence and so on, but you'll never be able to connect on a really deep and transcendental level with that person... It's like trying to put an ocean into a little swimming pool, it's just physically impossible. A rich and deep Mind is just too much to handle for most people, so you have to adapt and somewhat reduce yourself to that portion of yourself, that will fit into the pool of underdeveloped, unreflectet consciousness. I'm not telling you to hide or deny yourself!... just be realistic about the state of human consciousness in our times and make adjustments so you don't get destroyd by it.

 

There are three types of conversations... trivial jiberisch about banal stuff. Trivial jiberisch hidden in a pseudo intellectuall suit... those two are the most common in reality! the last one is true and authentic communication of wisdom and truth between two developed and reflected humanbeings... this is one is acctually are very rare thing! to find someone who is not filled with ideological bullshit, who is not an unreflected slave of his biology, filled with objectivity hijacking hormones. To find someone who has developed his/her own thoughts and made an painfull effort to allign with morality and truth is one of the main objectives in life, the old story of the needle in the hay!... what I also realised is that this type of releationship is almost not present in nature. Most of the times it's just a mentor/pupil thing. we as a species have to try to teach the ignorant and learn from the great!

 

Nowdays everybody is a smartass, every fool knows best... the fruits of democracy and liberalism!... In reality life is made up of relationships between mentors and pupils. All of us have our own Teachers and our own pupils. Every person is on a different page when it comes to alignment with reality and a wise man/women should know threw selfknowledge and constant, intellectuall effort, to recognize when in life you are in the position of a mentor and when you should shut the fuck up and listen and learn, like a good pupil.

Some people are just so far away from my emotional and intellectuall development state, that trying to talk to them on an eye to eye, equal level is like tryring to explain maths and metaphysics to a donkey! It's just silly and totaly impossible!... on the other hand, there are some people that are so deep and developt, that they give me the feeling of still being an embrio! I happily give my ego away and listen and learn from their experience and knowledge, without defending my personal take on reality like an egomanic, smartass, who thinks that he knows everything!

 

dont buy in to that stupid, relativistic bullshit... ohh nobody is smarter, nobody has more quality and value than others... that's just naive, propaganda nonsence and a total refusal of the realitys of life. Recognize the patterns and know when it's your time to teach, preach and motivate and when to be quiet and listen and learn from a wise and reflected person, that is even wiser and more developed than you are. 

 

This democratic ''I'm so bad, because i'm no interested in your jibberisch'' is silly. Be honest about natural hirarchy and don't try to treat everybody equal, we are just not! Don't pretend to be interested in people when you're not, don't smile and pretend to listen, when a person is talking stupid bullshit. You don't do yourself any favor and you're not doing other people any favor by ignoring or appreceating their lack of emotional and intellectual maturity. In this area tolerance is just the biggest motivator to stay shallow and ignorant.

 

If they have decided to stay ignorant, let them be and move on. You don't have to enforce wisdom and beauty to others! I'm just telling you to act honest and manly in each interaction! To constantly reflect in your relationships, in wich pole of the mentor/teacher dynamic you are standing at the moment and act accordingly to it.

[villagewisdom]

I can relate. I'm going to chime in with some of the others here and say that it is not "bad". It is something you want more self knowledge about and some control over.

 

Asking questions is the easiest for me and most fulfilling. It just takes a little practice. Keep doing what you are doing and it will get easier. No one learns how to play the guitar in one session.

 

Also, identifying more completely when it happens can be helpful. Who are the people you are most likely to do it with? I identified it happens for me when I meet someone new and in almost all social situations where there are lots of people. I began to feel my insecurity and acknowledged it. This brought much greater awareness of how and when I was doing it. I found it is a protective and control mechanism for me. 

 

What I found beneath the insecurity is that if I keep talking, no one can say anything mean to me. I can appear intelligent.

 

There are other things also but when I notice, I just stop, refocus on asking questions, and repeat as many times as needed. Practice, practice, practice. You've already done the hard part -- Self-awareness. 

[Sean V]

You could try exploring the reason behind the impulse to talk which is most likely unconscious.

 

So you could have an underlying belief that goes something like..."When I don't talk nobody notices me and I fade into oblivion therefor I must talk whenever possible in order to be seen and heard"

 

These beliefs usually get formed in childhood and they could come from specific situations or experiences in your past.

 

One way to uncover unconscious stuff is to do sentence completion exercises such as "if I listened more intently to others without speaking I would...." and then just rattle off a bunch completions without thinking about it too much. Or you could imagine a situation where you don't interject so much with your own thoughts and notice how it makes you feel. Is it anxiety or fear?

 

Once you've uncovered the reasoning behind the impulse you can try talking to that part of you that holds the beliefs that compel you to talk a lot. You can try listening to, addressing its concerns, and reassure that part of you that nothing negative will happen if you give the other person time to talk while listening intently to what they have to say. From there you would basically just debunk the underlying belief while being empathetic with yourself.

[MMX2010]

You could try exploring the reason behind the impulse to talk which is most likely unconscious.

 

 

Going inside of your own head to cure what you believe to be a narcissistic problem is the worst idea ever. 

 

The root cause of narcissism is that narcissists eternally dwell in their own heads and don't genuinely care what's inside other peoples' heads. 

[Sean V]

Going inside of your own head to cure what you believe to be a narcissistic problem is the worst idea ever. 

 

The root cause of narcissism is that narcissists eternally dwell in their own heads and don't genuinely care what's inside other peoples' heads. 

 

 

Shea's concerned about being "narcissistic" in conversations. Since he's concerned about how much he talks and wishes to change I think he's not a narcissist by definition but I could be wrong about the definition of narcissism. Being concerned about how much you talk around others demonstrates that you empathize with people who don't get to talk in conversations. Am I right about this?

 

And I think eternally dwelling in your own head is more likely a symptom of something deeper and not the cause of narcissism. The cause would be whatever bad situation or childhood experience made the narcissism a necessary coping mechanism. This is all based on stuff I've read and my own observations of my mind i'm not a psychologist or anything.

 

He's talking about an impulse to talk which prevents him from listening effectively. This probably means that impulse is reacting to some underlying negative feeling or anxiety that he would feel if he didn't talk. If the reason for that anxiety was made explicit he would be able to better understand it and correct it. I trust that he can handle going inside his own head without it being "the worst idea ever". Since he's on a self knowledge message board I assume he's already done this to some degree and is willing to do more of it.

[MMX2010]

Shea's concerned about being "narcissistic" in conversations. Since he's concerned about how much he talks and wishes to change I think he's not a narcissist by definition but I could be wrong about the definition of narcissism. Being concerned about how much you talk around others demonstrates that you empathize with people who don't get to talk in conversations. Am I right about this?

 

 

Not necessarily.  Narcissists are hyper-concerned about how they appear to everyone else; they're just not concerned about what other people are really feeling. 

 

 

And I think eternally dwelling in your own head is more likely a symptom of something deeper and not the cause of narcissism. The cause would be whatever bad situation or childhood experience made the narcissism a necessary coping mechanism. This is all based on stuff I've read and my own observations of my mind i'm not a psychologist or anything.

 

He's talking about an impulse to talk which prevents him from listening effectively. This probably means that impulse is reacting to some underlying negative feeling or anxiety that he would feel if he didn't talk. If the reason for that anxiety was made explicit he would be able to better understand it and correct it. I trust that he can handle going inside his own head without it being "the worst idea ever". Since he's on a self knowledge message board I assume he's already done this to some degree and is willing to do more of it.

 

I'm a big fan of TheLastPsychiatrist, who has many anti-therapy and anti-introspection articles. 

 

This is the best short one, but there are (many!) other longer ones.

 

Let me know if this is helpful.  I'm going to start working out soon, so I feel like I'm probably not giving maximum or sufficient focus to my post here.

 

 

http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/02/the_other_ego_epidemic.html

[Kurtis]

 

 

Does anyone have any past experience with this or advice on what I can do? I know I need to ask questions and be genuinely interested in others, but that impulsive itch to talk always creeps up and it's hard to stamp out when it does.

 

 

 

 

Try also remembering how conversations went with your parents as a kid. Did they ask you much questions or just talk over you? I notice that a lot of people I've befriended here have the habit of non-stop talking, which isn't a bad thing, because I love to hear their thoughts on things. But sometimes, and within myself, it speaks volumes of how little we were allowed to express our most honest thoughts, so when someone finally wants to listen, we can't get enough of that attention.

 

 

Hello Shea, thank you for sharing this difficulty of yours.  I don't know if my story will help, but the way you described your struggles reminded me exactly of how I felt while trying to figure out my own struggles with controlling conversations.   

 

For years I knew I had this tendency to "dominate" conversations, even after I became aware of it I had trouble avoiding it.  I would usually notice after the fact, like at the end of the night after a potluck with friends.  And yet despite wanting to stop I'd find myself continuing to do it next time.  Eventually I figured out the root cause and that was what enabled me to finally start adjusting my behaviour to be in line with how I desired to treat other people.  

 

The moment it all clicked for me was when I saw myself as a young child (around 7 or so), and I remembered how I used to try to use words to get attention, usually in a class or after school care type situation.  My own life narrative had been that this is just the way I was, which was a funny guy with a strong wit.  But in that moment I saw how that behaviour was exactly the same as that which I had continued into adulthood.  I saw it for what it really was, which was a child that was aching to be noticed, to be told I was special.  Which is something that I never received at home as a child.  

 

It was difficult to see that I was acting this way around those few friends, the people that I care most about, all because of how my parents had treated me.  I saw how much of a disservice this was doing me.  During therapy while discussing this realization my therapist brought up a very good additional detail, which was that as a child this verbal acting out was a way of fighting back at the adults in my life (like if I could make the class laugh at the expense of the teacher, I'd feel like I had got in a good jab).  I feel this to be true and possibly came from my anger at not having a single adult in my life ever honestly ask me how I was doing (along with anger at my parents).

 

Through my self work I have come to know my value and no longer feel that childhood need for external validation from others.  This has greatly changed my conversations, as I no longer have a subconscious agenda to pursue.  I now find myself much more able to be present in these conversations in a way that facilitates more natural give and take.  

 

I too used to describe myself as a shy kid, but now I see that it was growing up with parents who put their own interests above mine that created a child who had difficulty expressing himself.  The way you describe your "conversations" with your parents sounds like this may also be the key to your question.

You could try exploring the reason behind the impulse to talk which is most likely unconscious.

 

So you could have an underlying belief that goes something like..."When I don't talk nobody notices me and I fade into oblivion therefor I must talk whenever possible in order to be seen and heard"

 

These beliefs usually get formed in childhood and they could come from specific situations or experiences in your past.

 

One way to uncover unconscious stuff is to do sentence completion exercises such as "if I listened more intently to others without speaking I would...." and then just rattle off a bunch completions without thinking about it too much. Or you could imagine a situation where you don't interject so much with your own thoughts and notice how it makes you feel. Is it anxiety or fear?

 

Once you've uncovered the reasoning behind the impulse you can try talking to that part of you that holds the beliefs that compel you to talk a lot. You can try listening to, addressing its concerns, and reassure that part of you that nothing negative will happen if you give the other person time to talk while listening intently to what they have to say. From there you would basically just debunk the underlying belief while being empathetic with yourself.

+1

[Shea Roberts]

Hello everyone,

 

I apologize for being absent from the discussion for so long. 

But I have been consciously observing myself when having conversations. And while I have caught myself going on a bit too much or giving information to people that wasn't asked (not advice, just something random) I have noticed that I am doing this less frequently.

 

Kurtis, I agree with you. I remember when I would tell stories to my mom, or tell her something new I learned, it was often met with a response that would be "Well, you think you're just so smart, don't you?" or a look of why I would tell her that. And she wonders now why we don't talk much or have much in common as adults. She was never really curious about me as a person. And it's not to say it was just her, but most of the adults in my life were like that. It wasn't until I got into university I believe that I met professors who took an earnest interest in what I had to say. Or at least they acted interested in it and gave some feedback.

 

So it might be one of my inner child selves that is seeking recognition and approval by dominating conversations. 

But I think I've also come to terms that I can't have great conversations with everyone, and there are some people I just really don't want to talk to. I've reduced my interaction with these people to bare minimum and it's helped me focus on more important people in my life and conversations. 

Still an ongoing process, but after hearing feedback, writing in a journal a bit about it, and just being aware of it in the moment has really helped in the past month.

 

Thank you all for the feedback and suggestions!

[Kurtis]

That's all fantastic, great work!

 

...there are some people I just really don't want to talk to. I've reduced my interaction with these people to bare minimum and it's helped me focus on more important people in my life...

 

I'm so happy to hear you focusing on the people that are important to you. These people are your allies, they love you. By putting more effort into these relationships, you are enriching them and yourself.

 

[Sima]

I understand a lot of talking as:

• power :  those who want to be the leader of the group talk the most
• knowledge : you need to share important information with someone who needs it
• competent for the situation :  like the doctor  at the place where a person was injured, has to talk and do most to save that person
• changing the emotional climate around: you talk to control people's emotions (sometimes just to make them feel comfortable)
• trying to get rid of your emotions
• somebody asking a lot of questions  looks as someone who tries to study that person so he could use him some way : looking for weak spots and so on. 
• i dont ask questions when its very clear the other person has very poor inner life. With most people i dont need to ask much questions to understand who they are and what ideas rule there life (crowd people, who don't think for themselves), i hardly ever hear anything new  from them what i didn't see on TV.
• i talk a lot when i see what the other people feel but they don't acknowledge that, so i express their feelings through some of my personal stories, so they can feel comfortable to express their emotions as well.
• there are very little people who would get my genuine attention, so , yeah, i dont ask much.
• and in general i prefer reading body language and analyse people's behaviour in place of asking them direct. They can lie, say nonsense, but watching them give better and more precise results.
• questions are a perfect solution when i get angry (the other person can explain why he or she did something, then i'm not angry anymore) . I mean it is better to ask first calmly, then first to explode with angriness.