Relatives and death

[PGP]

I had to decide whether to go to a funeral recently of someone (a relative) I thought horrid. I gave the decision very careful thought and I decided not to go and I am glad I made that decision. In the culture I live in, this is a decision not without cost, but the rubber has to meet the road at some point.

 

This podcast might help others with a similar decision to make.

 

https://player.fm/episodes?q=molyneux,%20grieving

[Wuzzums]

When it comes to funerals I always remember these wise words:

 

"You should always go to other people's funerals otherwise they won't come to yours." - Yogi Berra

[MMX2010]

To me, there are two main reasons to go to funerals: to honor the person who died, to honor the people left behind. 

 

So, by not going to the funeral, you're implying that neither the person who died nor the people left behind are honorable. 

[PGP]

When it comes to funerals I always remember these wise words:

 

"You should always go to other people's funerals otherwise they won't come to yours." - Yogi Berra

Wise words. I had taken that into consideration. 

 

To me, there are two main reasons to go to funerals: to honor the person who died, to honor the people left behind. 

 

So, by not going to the funeral, you're implying that neither the person who died nor the people left behind are honorable. 

I was not explicit in this, but yes, that is my position. The individual and the collective in this case are but different shades of the same colour. Costs and benefits.

[Kurtis]

When it comes to funerals I always remember these wise words:

 

"You should always go to other people's funerals otherwise they won't come to yours." - Yogi Berra

 

I disagree with the idea that those are wise words.  If I don't want to go to bad people's funerals, why would I want those same bad people at mine?  Why would good people not come to my funeral because of me not going to bad people's funerals?  It doesn't make any sense.  

 

Also, I find that your post is lacking in empathy for PGP.  He explained a very difficult situation, a decision that has negative consequences in his family and culture, and you implied to him that he should have gone or else he'll be alone.

 

Maybe it's just me but that quote seems very similar to the cultural message of "you should respect/love your parents otherwise you're bad".  

[J-William]

I disagree with the idea that those are wise words. If I don't want to go to bad people's funerals, why would I want those same bad people at mine? Why would good people not come to my funeral because of me not going to bad people's funerals? It doesn't make any sense.

I thought it was a joke... I mean dead people usually only attend their own funeral.

 

On the main topic. If you're choices are honoring or fondly remembering the dead person or placating/pleasing people. I'm not sure there's a winning hand to play if the dead person was a jerk. Honoring a jerk is decidedly poor form and playing along with people who want to pretend this person wasn't a jerk and would rather not hear your actual opinion of the person is self-erasure.

 

So all in all, I don't see it as a win-win.

[Kurtis]

I thought it was a joke...

 

 

I thought that was a possibility too. Which if that was the intent, I don't see how that was helpful to people who are struggling with this very real issue in their lives.

 

I agree with you on the self erasure comment. That is what i experienced at the last funeral I went to. I won't make that mistake again.

[Wuzzums]

I disagree with the idea that those are wise words.  If I don't want to go to bad people's funerals, why would I want those same bad people at mine?  Why would good people not come to my funeral because of me not going to bad people's funerals?  It doesn't make any sense.  

 

Also, I find that your post is lacking in empathy for PGP.  He explained a very difficult situation, a decision that has negative consequences in his family and culture, and you implied to him that he should have gone or else he'll be alone.

 

Maybe it's just me but that quote seems very similar to the cultural message of "you should respect/love your parents otherwise you're bad".  

 

Yogi Barra is a master of double entendre. For instance he takes advantage of the adage "respect others and others will respect you in return" and this is meaning you first get from the quote, it's a win-win. BUT it doesn't apply to this particular instance because the person you're supposed to show respect is dead. The person cannot get any respect because they're dead, and you can't get any respect back from the person cause they're dead, lose-lose. He uses "they won't come to yours" instead of "others" as a hint that he's talking about the deceased. You can either go or not go to a funeral, either way the result is the same.

[Kurtis]

Yogi Barra is a master of double entendre. For instance he takes advantage of the adage "respect others and others will respect you in return" and this is meaning you first get from the quote, it's a win-win. BUT it doesn't apply to this particular instance because the person you're supposed to show respect is dead. The person cannot get any respect because they're dead, and you can't get any respect back from the person cause they're dead, lose-lose. He uses "they won't come to yours" instead of "others" as a hint that he's talking about the deceased.

I'm so sorry for my misunderstanding and thank you for explaining it. I should have asked first instead of being accusatory. I'm feeling pretty embarrassed now!

[Wuzzums]

I'm so sorry for my misunderstanding and thank you for explaining it. I should have asked first instead of being accusatory. I'm feeling pretty embarrassed now!

Don't be. It was just a misunderstanding. I didn't find your post to be accusatory.

[shirgall]

Funerals are for the survivors to get closure. It's cathartic.