Self-criticism

[John Sambrook]

Hello,

 

I'm wondering how one should deal with self-criticism and self-censoring. I find that I often don't speak my mind, tend not to trust my own conclusions as much as I perhaps should, and tend to be overly gentle and deferential to others.

 

To be brief, I am the youngest of four children. There is an 11-year age gap between me and my next-oldest brother. I have one other brother, and a sister, who is the oldest of the siblings. I was born in 1959, and am currently 55 years old.

 

I was an unplanned child, and grew up in a family of very capable brothers and sisters. My sister earned a Chemical Engineering degree from CWRU, one brother was an officer in the US Army, and my other brother earned an Aeronautical Engineering degree from MIT. 

 

My education was a very different story. I got off the rails, academically, at a young age, and pretty much earned C's, D's and some F's throughout school. My parents tried to help, a bit, but I have the sense that I was largely an embarrassment to them. I have always been idealistic and was interested in science and electronics from a young age. If I was interested in something, I gave it my full attention, but if I wasn't interested in it, I typically ignored it. Generally speaking, I never had help with my homework. 

 

I remember sitting around the kitchen table, when my siblings would come home, and being constantly afraid to breathe or say anything, for fear that someone would make a nasty comment, or ask me about my grades, etc. I felt like the black sheep of the family, if that makes any sense. 

 

From time to time I would lie, and say that I did things in school that I didn't do. My parents should have realized that what I was claiming was bullshit, but they didn't seem to investigate, or call me on it, or recognize it as a sign of something being wrong.

 

My parents would often say "You're smart enough to do well, but you're just lazy." 

 

Over time, I developed perfectionist tendencies, and I think they have been with me my whole adult life. I earned a degree in Computer and Information Science from The Ohio State University in 1983, and have made a good income as a software engineer since then. 

 

Sadly, I got divorced after 30 or so years of marriage. I am on good terms with my ex-wife and strive to treat her and others with justice. 

 

Bottom line, I have had a hard time shaking feelings of inadequacy. I'm very interested in practical philosophy, and I have had a big Ayn Rand / rationalistic phase. I think I'm getting away from the rationalistic aspects of it, but still consider most of Objectivism valid, even if I tend to lean more towards a stateless society these days. I have been listening to Stephan for the last year or so. 

 

I'd welcome any advice you might have for me. I'm wondering to what degree I should be angry with my parents. They are both dead now. I know the old line about "They did the best they could with the knowledge that they had," but I'm pissed that they kind of just let me struggle. I don't understand why they couldn't find some goddamn time to simply help me with my homework more. 

 

Thoughts?

 

Best,

 

John

[Jeridan Kowal]

Thanks for sharing John, that is a lot to have on your mind.

Life at home sounded pretty fearful. Having trouble in school is hard enough, but not having support at home is even more anxiety inducing.
The people closest to you, the ones you so desperately wanted/needed to please, were the ones holding the whips of insults and condemning you to hell for not being successful.

 

Now they're gone and the whip is in your hand.

 

You said you were interested in practical philosophy. So you want to do something to quell that inner critic.
 

For me, it was important to have someone else to speak with. Having them put up resistance to my criticisms.

Gradually, it became easier for me to let the more gentle voices in my head provide that same resistance.
Ask for proof, look for evidence, find different perspectives to frame and explore your behaviour. That way, you wont have the automatic hammer of guilt and self mistrust knocking you off your feet at every turn.
 

I don't know how angry you should be at your parents. There is a lot you can do in the way of introspection and mourning what you didn't receive growing up.
Journalling, therapy, artistic expression, finding or creating a network of support. Sounds like you're already heading in that direction. 

 

Above all I'd say be patient with yourself. It's an easy trap to get frustrated with where you are and what you can/can't do. Of course this only serves to keep us from emerging as full human beings.

Again, thank you for sharing, I'm sorry about your history. I hope you keep up the self exploration.

http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/1149/inner-critic-the-roleplay

 

http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/1191/ending-self-attacks-a-listener-conversation

[PatrickC]

Self criticism and self censoring can be a very useful and constructive aspect to our lives. For instance we can look back on our past actions and ask ourselves how we could have improved. We self censor for quite healthy reasons, depending on the company we are in. It's not healthy to share parts of yourself with complete strangers. Unless it has some context, such as this board.

 

However, what you could be talking about (unknowingly perhaps) is 'self erasure'. I've highlighted below the parts of your opening post where you might be doing that. I've very loosely outlined the the blue comments as facts and the red ones as what one might call feelings. Except they aren't feelings at all, they are your opinions. You might disagree with some of my conclusions in this manner, which is fine, they could be wrong. They are simply mean't as a guide to help you deconstruct your own thinking when you consider yourself.

 

I'm wondering how one should deal with self-criticism and self-censoring. I find that I often don't speak my mind, tend not to trust my own conclusions as much as I perhaps should, and tend to be overly gentle and deferential to others.

 

I was an unplanned child, and grew up in a family of very capable brothers and sisters. My sister earned a Chemical Engineering degree from CWRU, one brother was an officer in the US Army, and my other brother earned an Aeronautical Engineering degree from MIT. 

 

My education was a very different story. I got off the rails, academically, at a young age, and pretty much earned C's, D's and some F's throughout school. My parents tried to help, a bit, but I have the sense that I was largely an embarrassment to them. I have always been idealistic and was interested in science and electronics from a young age. If I was interested in something, I gave it my full attention, but if I wasn't interested in it, I typically ignored it. Generally speaking, I never had help with my homework. 

 

I remember sitting around the kitchen table, when my siblings would come home, and being constantly afraid to breathe or say anything, for fear that someone would make a nasty comment, or ask me about my grades, etc. I felt like the black sheep of the family, if that makes any sense. 

 

From time to time I would lie, and say that I did things in school that I didn't do. My parents should have realized that what I was claiming was bullshit, but they didn't seem to investigate, or call me on it, or recognize it as a sign of something being wrong.

 

My parents would often say "You're smart enough to do well, but you're just lazy." 

 

Over time, I developed perfectionist tendencies, and I think they have been with me my whole adult life. I earned a degree in Computer and Information Science from The Ohio State University in 1983, and have made a good income as a software engineer since then. 

 

Bottom line, I have had a hard time shaking feelings of inadequacy. I'm very interested in practical philosophy, and I have had a big Ayn Rand / rationalistic phase. I think I'm getting away from the rationalistic aspects of it, but still consider most of Objectivism valid, even if I tend to lean more towards a stateless society these days. I have been listening to Stephan for the last year or so.

 

Ask yourself where did these opinions originate from. After which you can start to build a picture of more facts around them, which will either hold you or others to account for them. By which time you will know the degree of anger you should feel towards your parents. One way you could do this is by asking your remaining siblings how your parents felt when you were born. Did they treat you differently compared to them etc.

 

Anyway this will likely be a slow process, as one thought often leads to another and so forth. Just keep reminding yourself that you weren't born this way. You will notice that sporadically throughout your opening post you were already doing this. Albeit slightly muddled and disconnected.

 

Generally speaking, I never had help with my homework.

 

My parents should have realized that what I was claiming was bullshit, but they didn't seem to investigate, or call me on it

 

My parents would often say "You're smart enough to do well, but you're just lazy." 

 

but I'm pissed that they kind of just let me struggle. I don't understand why they couldn't find some goddamn time to simply help me with my homework more. 

 

Just keep doing this more, making sure you attach correctly the opinion with the facts. Lastly, you need to start attaching 'real' feelings to these situations (rather than opinions). You did a little of this as below. Note that I highlighted the feeling in blue as a 'fact'. Do more.

 

I remember sitting around the kitchen table, when my siblings would come home, and being constantly afraid to breathe or say anything, for fear that someone would make a nasty comment, or ask me about my grades, etc.

 

This process is helped along much faster with good therapy and commited journalling. My thoughts here are merely a guide and not an end in of itself. That said, I hope it proves useful to you and others and best wishes.

[John Sambrook]

Jeridan and Patrick, thank you for investing time in helping me. Much appreciated.

 

One of things I am thinking about is how to be gentler with myself. I really have been my harshest, most relentless critic. You're right, Jeridan, the whip really is in my own hand at this time, and has been for many years. I appreciate the links to Stefan's podcasts. I'm listening to the first one this morning.

 

Patrick, the clarity between feelings and opinions / conclusions is helpful. 

 

Is self-censoring a more conscious act, where self-erasure is less so? I'm not clear on the difference between the two.

 

Thanks, guys.

[Mister Mister]

I really recommend the book "Taming your Inner Critic" by Jay Earley, an introduction to Internal Family Systems approach to Psychotherapy.  I am working through it now and it is really mind-blowing and helpful.

[AustinJames]

Hello,

 

I'm wondering how one should deal with self-criticism and self-censoring. I find that I often don't speak my mind, tend not to trust my own conclusions as much as I perhaps should, and tend to be overly gentle and deferential to others.

 

To be brief, I am the youngest of four children. There is an 11-year age gap between me and my next-oldest brother. I have one other brother, and a sister, who is the oldest of the siblings. I was born in 1959, and am currently 55 years old.

 

I was an unplanned child, and grew up in a family of very capable brothers and sisters. My sister earned a Chemical Engineering degree from CWRU, one brother was an officer in the US Army, and my other brother earned an Aeronautical Engineering degree from MIT. 

 

My education was a very different story. I got off the rails, academically, at a young age, and pretty much earned C's, D's and some F's throughout school. My parents tried to help, a bit, but I have the sense that I was largely an embarrassment to them. I have always been idealistic and was interested in science and electronics from a young age. If I was interested in something, I gave it my full attention, but if I wasn't interested in it, I typically ignored it. Generally speaking, I never had help with my homework. 

 

I remember sitting around the kitchen table, when my siblings would come home, and being constantly afraid to breathe or say anything, for fear that someone would make a nasty comment, or ask me about my grades, etc. I felt like the black sheep of the family, if that makes any sense. 

 

From time to time I would lie, and say that I did things in school that I didn't do. My parents should have realized that what I was claiming was bullshit, but they didn't seem to investigate, or call me on it, or recognize it as a sign of something being wrong.

 

My parents would often say "You're smart enough to do well, but you're just lazy." 

 

Over time, I developed perfectionist tendencies, and I think they have been with me my whole adult life. I earned a degree in Computer and Information Science from The Ohio State University in 1983, and have made a good income as a software engineer since then. 

 

Sadly, I got divorced after 30 or so years of marriage. I am on good terms with my ex-wife and strive to treat her and others with justice. 

 

Bottom line, I have had a hard time shaking feelings of inadequacy. I'm very interested in practical philosophy, and I have had a big Ayn Rand / rationalistic phase. I think I'm getting away from the rationalistic aspects of it, but still consider most of Objectivism valid, even if I tend to lean more towards a stateless society these days. I have been listening to Stephan for the last year or so. 

 

I'd welcome any advice you might have for me. I'm wondering to what degree I should be angry with my parents. They are both dead now. I know the old line about "They did the best they could with the knowledge that they had," but I'm pissed that they kind of just let me struggle. I don't understand why they couldn't find some goddamn time to simply help me with my homework more. 

 

Thoughts?

 

Best,

 

John

I would recommend free-writing.

 

It's kind of like journaling, but you purposefully avoid self-censorship.

 

Just sit down with a pen and paper (or a computer, or type-writer, or whatever your preferred medium) and record thoughts as a flow of consciousness.  Try not to stop writing, whatever comes out, and however sloppy it is.

 

This is not a solution, but it is a tool that has worked for me.  Good luck!

[PatrickC]

Is self-censoring a more conscious act, where self-erasure is less so? I'm not clear on the difference between the two.

 

Self erasing (in your case) could be a way in which you use self critcism as a means to not holding the source of the critcism to proper account. This is why you prefaced all your opinions as 'feels like', 'seems like' etc. As if these things you and you alone were the cause of.

 

People can self erase in a number of different ways. The classic one which Stefan often picks people up on, is to laugh at ones past trauma. This is a defense mechanism to avoid further trauma, which you brilliantly learn in childhood. However, it becomes defunct and a downright hindrance when applied in adulthood, when you're quite safe from the harm inflicted on you as a child.

[John Sambrook]

Thank you, Rose.  As it turns out, I have that book in my Kindle collection, but haven't gotten to it yet. I will move it up on the stack. 

 

I have done a little work with IFS and should go back to it. I have a couple of friends that recommended it to me and I do think it's helpful.