Post divorce confussion

[_Michael]

Hi. I didnt know If I should post this thread in Men's Issues subforum, or here. It affected me personally, so I decided to post it here, but the problem is about my parents divorce and my issues with it. I still have problems figuring stuff out after 12 years. 

 

They divorces when I was 15. The issue that come up with me is how the house was given to my mother, and that he still payed child support for me after divorce. And there are issues surrounding their explenations of things. Lots of confusion in me about it. 

 

I stayed with my mother after divorce, maybe that is why I have one sided view of it. But now I live on my own and am trying to figure this out, after watching latest Stef's video on youtube called "cheating, flirting and the opposite sex". 

 

My father payed repayments for house during their marriage. And payed approximately half the salary of my mother monthly to her. They both work. My father did not do any of house work. I was so to speak in that role. The problem that I need to figure out is that if that was fair, that my mother was given house and child support after divorce. The divorce was proclaimed as his fault, becouse of cheating(after she find out that he cheat she wanted divorce), abuse, alcoholism etc. He wanted to take us to court, but she refuses, becouse as she said she dont want us to go thru this. 

 

But now I am confused. Was that fair? That she takes the house? Was that in our good, that we where not taken to court? Or that was her cover explanation. 

 

My father was mostly absent during my childhood. I heared mostly from my mother how dick he was. Occasionally my father was doing the same as to her. 

 

Is his dickishness explain or justify that she was given house after divorce. Was that fair?

 

I was thinking about talking about it with my father. But I am hesitant. He will rant me about how horrible this was to live with her and I will feel angry at her. And when I talk with her, she will rant me about him being a dick. Like bouncing ball I will feel, so i write here. Maybe someone can give me some clarity. Thanks for any response. 

[Lens]

In my view the betrayal came from both of your parents. You can choose to not to be a bouncing ball between the two and get out of this silly and dangerous game they put you in let them figure out their relationships on their own now they are using you as a tool because they do not want to confront real issues. I think what is most important is to feel how this affected you as a child and most likely the abuse started before divorce. Seeing the reality of your childhood for what it is will slowly bring more clarity to your vision and get you out of this confusion. You should not side with any one of your parents you should remain on your own side and on the side of the truth and not your parents' propaganda.

 

This podcast can help you

http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_1662_the_effects_of_divorce_listener_convo.mp3

[lorr]

Since I suffered through two divorces myself and since giving responsibility to my mother for her choice in men opened a gateway of self-knowledge that I was blind to before, I rather agree with Lens.  My father was also an alcoholic and I also experienced the "bouncing ball phenomenon" where neither parent can be honest with their child about the ways they have massively failed that child.  You speak of being confused. Though I don't expect your confusion is the same as mine, once I gave my mother responsibility for her choice in partners, at the very least, I was able to give women, in general, more responsibility for their actions, which allowed me to feel more accepting of men, which has allowed me to explore my bisexuality as well as better judge the people from whom I seek a romantic relationship.  Like I said, there's no reason to expect your experience to be identical to mine, but I wanted to illustrate how much I was able to learn about myself as a direct result of no longer giving my mother a pass on her responsibility.

[_Michael]

Thanks for you both responses. I will listen to that podcast lens. Thanks for staying on my side as a child. At some level I felt and still feel that even thinking about this topic is still playing this role of picking sides and bouncing between them. Abuse was very often in my family. Between them, and to me personally as a child. Thanks lorr for sharing about your father. It means much to me that you, as a child of alcoholic too are not excusing her like some of my family members that pick her side partially and are playing into her game of poor mother. And sory that your father was alcoholic too. Denial in my family is huge in the deeper areas. I dont know If that is only alcoholic families or in general dysfunctional families.

[AustinJames]

It makes me sad to hear about your struggle with this divorce, even so long after it happened.

 

I can sympathize with this, as I have had to deal with some ambiguity in my own childhood.  I have given up the notion that my parents will ever give me the truth; whether because they honestly don't know, or because they don't want me to know.  With the level of dysfunction displayed by your parents, I doubt you will ever get any clear, honest answers about what happened.

 

It may be good to talk to your parents, though I'm not sure.  Doing so may give you some kind of closure, but it may only frustrate and confuse you further.  I would recommend pondering what the implication of their responses may be.  If your dad said it was all your mom's fault, and your mom blamed your dad, what would that change for you?  What if the opposite happened and they both blamed themselves?  What if they had a somewhat nihilistic viewpoint, saying something like, "who's to know what should have been?  What happened has happened, it's beyond our control, what good does it do to find fault?"  

 

What would these responses mean to you?  Would any of them change anything?  I suspect not, but it may be something to consider when planning your next step in attaining self-knowledge in this matter.

 

Good luck!  I hope you update us here on the forum when you make progress on this.

[_Michael]

Thanks for writing. It makes me sad too. I was angry, frustrated before. But I think it begins to be clear to me and that's why I feel more sad. I was trying with mother, never about divorce tho. She makes me feel guilty for even opening my mouth about this topic. She told me that I am complaning. That you cant change anythink, why bother. Part of me is still angry, becouse complains about my father where not bad, but when I talk about myself, it is outdated, dont matter etc. My father just blame me for his shortcomings. He told me that he dont know how to talk to me, and put some untrue rumors about me. Last time he said to my sister, that he dont know how to help me, but he miss me 

 

My brother have that position about truth, that "who knows? what is truth?" and other bullshit like this. I have hard time giving up hope about them understanding me, like part of me still wanted them to be different. But they are not. They have kids, they make their mistakes, many like my parents, and they are ok with many things that I am not. And they seemed happy together, which makes me sick, becouse I remember what was happening, what they did, and I cant understand these happy pictures of seemingly normal family when I see them on facebook. 

 

I dont know If this is ok, that I am talking about it openly here. It feels like I am doing some bad thing, and hurting people just writing it. Thanks for even reading it. I would update when I make progress in my understanding. 

[Mister Mister]

What would be fair as far as divorce:
-  If one spouse gets the house, they should pay the other spouse half the value of the home.  If they can't afford to live in that house without alimony, they should sell it and split the proceeds.

-  Alimony, if at all, should be paid for a short time until the spouse receiving can make other arrangements.  This BS where you pay in perpetuity is crap.
-  Custody should be shared unless one spouse can be shown unfit to parent, or concedes custody.  If custody is shared, there is no need for one spouse to pay the other to take care of the child.  Accepting child support from a man while not allowing him to see the kids is so fucking insulting and harmful I don't have words for it.
-  If one spouse is abusive, and an unfit parent, should the other spouse be rewarded for choosing an unfit spouse and co-parent? 

 

Really think about this.  Modern family courts are subsidizing poor choices with regards to one of the most important choices a person can make: the choice of with whom. to have kids.  If you choose a great partner, stay together for life, you get taxed, but if you choose poorly, you get subsidized.  Your mother acts as if she is "entitled" to something for marrying an asshole.  If anything, they both owe you.  But rather than sacrifice her lifestyle, and put extra effort into making it work for you, she just took his money.  You may not get to the truth of what happened between them, but you can be certain of what needs of yours weren't met as a child, and what your parents own and what they don't, for which I am very sorry.

[_Michael]

RoseCodex. It is hard to think that about my mother. Even imagine that. It was always about her and her needs. The divorce was hard on her("family"). She never ask me how I feel about it, neither he. She was acting out around, with him, making scenes, yealing at the women he cheated on. She was making alot of noise around, and then complaining in home about how hard it is for the family, which she never give a second to think about in the first place. Now I am thinking about her as scary, crazy woman. Thanks for your perspective. 

 

Few other things came to my mind. She just wanted easy money, to everything be like she wanted, unable to compromise and let go and I dont respect her for that now. I am thinking how this affected me after listening to podcast, and I wonder how this affected my present situation. I am renting room from a woman, and her husband disapear. I wonder If I have something to do with that, If I dont repeat my home situation, when I was living with my mom. I am living here for two years now. I feel guilty and responsible. They where discussing and fighting a little bit and now he is gone. She is very narcissistic woman, hard on her doughter, she care alot about looks, and cleanness around the house and inside. I feel traped once again, and feeling contempt for the women I am living with. I wonder why I am repeating the same situation and what can I do to escape and do not repeat it again. I am thinking about changing room, but it makes me feel guilty for thinking about it. 

 

My father didn't want custody. He gave it up just like house. He wanted to see me sometimes, but I always feel pushed, or guilty for meeting him. Like my mother pushed or make me feel guilty. Like in childchood when she pushed me to be with him when he was drunk, or leave me with him. 

 

I was trying to think what would happen if they blamed themselfes. And first what came to my mind is "no way, they would never do that!" It is very hard to imagine that happening, they both always played victims, and it feels strange, like I was lacking somethink that they owe me. Scared, angry.