A negative memory of my brother and I came out of nowhere

[Panoptic]

I was just laying on the ground studying for a summer class I am taking. I was reading through the textbook trying to figure out how to approach a particular circuit problem and all of the sudden I received a sudden and sharp recollection of last October when my brother wanted to go to a Halloween party with me. I did not want to go but I felt really bad for him. He was gently pressuring me to change my mind and to go to the costume store with him to pick up a pair of costumes on Halloween night. I felt bad and did not want him to be upset. So I gave him some false hope by telling him I would go to the store.

 

We got there and looked around and I thought the prices were pretty expensive. I walked off to look around the store to try to subconsciously signal him that I was not interested. He was very patient and found a pair of costumes that came as a pair and were cheap (yes, the classic hot dog and mustard combination). I was having a lot of anxiety and kept walking around, and he picked up a ticket to go get the costumes at the counter. Then he tracked me down and asked me if I wanted to do it. I said I don't know yet. I kept pushing the decision off. I didn't want to commit but I felt sorry for him. He was patient and kept asking me if I had decided yet. Eventually I told him I didn't want to go. He was upset and said he thought I wanted to go to the party and I said in a mean way "I never said I wanted to go". So he asked why we were even at the store to begin with and I think I told him that I just wanted to look around. He said in a disappointing and resentful voice "okay lets go". I vividly recall walking behind him out of the store and him in front of me dropping his ticket without looking down in the garbage can. I felt a huge surge of sadness and guilt. I can't stop thinking about his hand dropping the ticket in the garbage. He didn't seem sad, just disappointed and resentful.

 

I tried laying on the floor when this thought came up and experiencing the emotions I was feeling. I began to tear up. I kept recalling other times I had disappointed him. I feel like I must sit down with him at some point to tell him how I feel. (He is my fraternal twin and he is a few minutes younger than me.)

 

I have a history of feeling sad and guilty towards him, like I've done him so much harm. I think after puberty I began to "leave him behind" so to speak throughout middle school and high school. When people we mean to him, I was usually embarrassed about him and try to isolate him from my life. In high school and college, I would wait until he was not around to go hang out with people so he couldn't ask to come with me. I wanted "my own friends", I wanted a life separate from him. And I wanted him to have friends because I felt bad, just not the same friends as me.

 

The relationship between us in life seems to have manifested itself where I am somewhat of an older brother/parent to him and he is the more fragile one. Does this sound reasonable? I am kind of just writing my thoughts down on here. Why would I feel so sad and sorry for him all the time? Is it because I was mean to him in the past? Or could others reasons be a factor as well?

[percentient]

Thanks for sharing.

 

What is the fear though? You didn't say this, but am I correct in assuming that you foresaw embarrassment at the party?  It sounds like there's a disconnect between your past friendship with him, and whatever approval you wanted from other kids. And you didn't want to protect him, but yourself from having to articulate the reasons for rejecting him. My guess.

[Slavik]

    Hi Panoptic, thank you for opening up.  Reading your story I could feel tremendous sadness in you, for your brother, deep guilt as well, the way you describe everything, I know you have wrote as much so I am not guessing anything here, all I am saying is that I can really feel it in you through your descriptions.  The question I have for you, is where are the parents in all of this?  It seemed very lonely for your brother?  How about for you?  How did your parents treat you both? 

 

To answer your questions.  Yes, there are many instances where in one family you can have a child who is very fragile or has a high level of emotional sensitivity.  It could have very well be the fact that he saw you as the "stronger one," and there was some kind of transference as in he saw you as a father figure, but where is your father in all of this?    

[Kevin Beal]

It's ironic that when you attempted to not disappoint him, that's what ended up happening. And it was probably even more disappointing than if you had said "no" the begin with.

 

I have done that sort of thing a ton of times so I really sympathize with you. And I don't know your relationship with your brother beyond what you've written here and could be totally wrong about everything, but I wonder if actually the fragility is made worse by him seeing you like a father figure.

 

I think that it's fair enough to say that the opposite of fragility includes some measure of realism, and seeing things as they really are, without pretension. If you are avoiding saying that you don't want to go to a party, it's likely true that even more uncomfortable truths are even harder to speak aloud. There must be a lot of things you've never said, despite thinking it.

 

To be fragile is to lack self esteem, to lack a sense that we are capable human beings who can achieve the things we want if only we try hard at it. We are responsible for that self image, but certainly there are factors which make it more or less difficult.

 

Imagine a guy who's gone blind. In his blind state, he misses things like boogers hanging from his nose, his fly is undone, and even though he can't see anything, some pretty ladies mistakenly believe he is ogling their breasts on the bus. He very much wants to be taken seriously and be well liked.

 

You could let him know that his fly is undone and he's got stalactites hanging off his face, and he scared away some women, or you could say nothing and let him think that he's cool. If you tell him he will be embarrassed, and feel in that moment like his is not being taken seriously and is not cool, but at least he can better learn to take precautions like that in the future, thereby increasing his chances to be taken seriously and be cool.

 

We are all a little blind. We only see ourselves from the inside, not the way that others see us.

 

I really think that if you want to help your brother, you should be more honest with him. Don't let him walk around with boogers hanging out. And in that sense, I think that guilt is not entirely unearned. I think that's healthy guilt, in this case. You are not a murderer, it's not immoral, but I don't think that's something that you want on your conscience.

 

Something I've noticed is that when it comes to my fear of disappointing other people, is that it's never ever ever as bad as I think it will be when I just come out and honestly say my piece. Like with this post. It's critical, but I'm guessing you appreciate it on some level.

 

How do you feel about it? You can handle it, right? I think that your brother can too.

[Panoptic]

Thank you all for the responses, I really appreciate it.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

What is the fear though? You didn't say this, but am I correct in assuming that you foresaw embarrassment at the party?  It sounds like there's a disconnect between your past friendship with him, and whatever approval you wanted from other kids. And you didn't want to protect him, but yourself from having to articulate the reasons for rejecting him. My guess.

I'm not sure what you are referring to. Do you mean my reluctance to go to that party in the first place? Or my reluctance to go with my brother? I originally knew that the event was going to take place, but I knew I wasn't interested when I was invited. I also anticipated my brother eventually inviting me from the onset and I dreaded this. Usually when I try to avoid going to events with my brother, it is because I act differently when he is not around. I feel more social awkwardness around my brother than around others. 

 

    Hi Panoptic, thank you for opening up.  Reading your story I could feel tremendous sadness in you, for your brother, deep guilt as well, the way you describe everything, I know you have wrote as much so I am not guessing anything here, all I am saying is that I can really feel it in you through your descriptions.  The question I have for you, is where are the parents in all of this?  It seemed very lonely for your brother?  How about for you?  How did your parents treat you both? 

 

To answer your questions.  Yes, there are many instances where in one family you can have a child who is very fragile or has a high level of emotional sensitivity.  It could have very well be the fact that he saw you as the "stronger one," and there was some kind of transference as in he saw you as a father figure, but where is your father in all of this?    

My parents were always very reluctant to communicate with us. They hardly even communicated with each other. There was hardly any communication besides the basic "how are you?" and "what's going on?", let alone communication about emotions. Whenever I tried to talk to my parents about emotional things, they always sat there, listened, and then never really said anything. It always seemed like they just wanted to get out of those situations as quickly as possible. To give an example, my half-brother got a divorce and nobody told me. I didn't find out about it until over a year later.

 

It's ironic that when you attempted to not disappoint him, that's what ended up happening. And it was probably even more disappointing than if you had said "no" the begin with.

 

I have done that sort of thing a ton of times so I really sympathize with you. And I don't know your relationship with your brother beyond what you've written here and could be totally wrong about everything, but I wonder if actually the fragility is made worse by him seeing you like a father figure.

 

I think that it's fair enough to say that the opposite of fragility includes some measure of realism, and seeing things as they really are, without pretension. If you are avoiding saying that you don't want to go to a party, it's likely true that even more uncomfortable truths are even harder to speak aloud. There must be a lot of things you've never said, despite thinking it.

 

To be fragile is to lack self esteem, to lack a sense that we are capable human beings who can achieve the things we want if only we try hard at it. We are responsible for that self image, but certainly there are factors which make it more or less difficult.

 

Imagine a guy who's gone blind. In his blind state, he misses things like boogers hanging from his nose, his fly is undone, and even though he can't see anything, some pretty ladies mistakenly believe he is ogling their breasts on the bus. He very much wants to be taken seriously and be well liked.

 

You could let him know that his fly is undone and he's got stalactites hanging off his face, and he scared away some women, or you could say nothing and let him think that he's cool. If you tell him he will be embarrassed, and feel in that moment like his is not being taken seriously and is not cool, but at least he can better learn to take precautions like that in the future, thereby increasing his chances to be taken seriously and be cool.

 

We are all a little blind. We only see ourselves from the inside, not the way that others see us.

 

I really think that if you want to help your brother, you should be more honest with him. Don't let him walk around with boogers hanging out. And in that sense, I think that guilt is not entirely unearned. I think that's healthy guilt, in this case. You are not a murderer, it's not immoral, but I don't think that's something that you want on your conscience.

 

Something I've noticed is that when it comes to my fear of disappointing other people, is that it's never ever ever as bad as I think it will be when I just come out and honestly say my piece. Like with this post. It's critical, but I'm guessing you appreciate it on some level.

 

How do you feel about it? You can handle it, right? I think that your brother can too.

Hm, you definitely have great perspectives. When I made the post, I was thinking that this is all about me and that there must be something wrong with me. But you are pointing out that my brother is in fact fragile (from what you can tell from my original post) and that the guilt is not necessarily a bad thing. I appreciate that your answer tends to be more action based (e.g. if you want to help your brother you should be more honest with him) rather than analytical (e.g. what were your parents like?). Not that either are bad. But I guess in the end what I really need to do is take some action with my brother and maybe even speak with him about my own feelings aside from that. Like I said above (in this post), I feel almost infinitely more socially awkward around my brother than around others. I think I can begin to break though that if I just begin to be more honest with him. Thank you.

[Kevin Beal]

Hm, you definitely have great perspectives. When I made the post, I was thinking that this is all about me and that there must be something wrong with me. But you are pointing out that my brother is in fact fragile (from what you can tell from my original post) and that the guilt is not necessarily a bad thing. I appreciate that your answer tends to be more action based (e.g. if you want to help your brother you should be more honest with him) rather than analytical (e.g. what were your parents like?). Not that either are bad. But I guess in the end what I really need to do is take some action with my brother and maybe even speak with him about my own feelings aside from that. Like I said above (in this post), I feel almost infinitely more socially awkward around my brother than around others. I think I can begin to break though that if I just begin to be more honest with him. Thank you.

I think that would be a courageous and admirable thing to do.

 

There is no courage without fear (or at least awkwardness)