Is music is a form of emotional avoidance?

[markovcd]

Recently I've been mauling about my present and past music preferences. For majority of my teenage life I was getting into more heavy styles of metal (death metal, metalcore etc.). Back then I lacked the connection with myself and didn't even knew it. Now I understand how my trauma led me to like particular styles.

 

Nowadays, I can appreciate wild range of rock, blues, metal. I can't however connect with purely "happy" music. To me it just feels artificial and pompous (no judgement here, just my subjective experience). When I listen to melancholic sounding tracks I tend to get emotional, sad.

 

Does the music I connect with is good in bringing out the pain of the past or is it used as self-medication to project the emotions somewhere else?

 

I get that when lacking self-knowledge music can be used to avoid stuff but when one accepts true source of pain can embracing darker sounds can aid better connection with oneself?

 

How does your path to self understanding changed your music preferences?

[NotDarkYet]

Awesome question(s).

 

I'd love to hear other people talk about this:

 

IMHO:

 

When you are attracted to a particular form of music, it fills a need. 

 

I loved Bob Dylan, because I lacked a father figure, and he seemed incredibly wise.

 

I loved Radiohead because they seemed one step ahead of me, like an older brother.

 

All my friends loved punk music.  I assume because they had authority figures in their life.  But I was raised with no rules...so Punk music didn't fill any need.

 

 

 

[MMX2010]

 

How does your path to self understanding changed your music preferences?

 

 

Because I'm trying to make large-scale, permanent changes to my personality, all of my music is high-energy and inspirational. 

[markovcd]

Because I'm trying to make large-scale, permanent changes to my personality, all of my music is high-energy and inspirational.

 

 

I didn't found out this approach useful. To me listening to music that don't reflect my emotional state does nothing for me. I fully accept that I'm full of sadness and sorrow and don't try pretend otherwise. Therefore I'm drawn towards darker stuff. Of course if in the moment I'm feeling happy or pumped up I tend to listen to more lively stuff.

 

I have particular aversion towards mainstream pop, because in my opinion it sends the message "be happy no matter what" which is no different than base dissosiation. Especially I dislike songs about so called "love". It dawned on me one day that there's kind of desperate undertone in them. Then I concluded that it has to do with feelings of abandonment from childhood which then are projected to the perfect guy/girl in the song. It's unsettling to me because it presents sadness as happiness.

[MMX2010]

I didn't found out this approach useful. To me listening to music that don't reflect my emotional state does nothing for me. I fully accept that I'm full of sadness and sorrow and don't try pretend otherwise. Therefore I'm drawn towards darker stuff. Of course if in the moment I'm feeling happy or pumped up I tend to listen to more lively stuff.

 

I have particular aversion towards mainstream pop, because in my opinion it sends the message "be happy no matter what" which is no different than base dissosiation. Especially I dislike songs about so called "love". It dawned on me one day that there's kind of desperate undertone in them. Then I concluded that it has to do with feelings of abandonment from childhood which then are projected to the perfect guy/girl in the song. It's unsettling to me because it presents sadness as happiness.

 

 

I'm not trying to be rude here, but I'm guessing you don't have many friends with whom you can either feel deeply emotional with or talk about really deep philosophical stuff.  Am I right?

[markovcd]

That's interesting. What lead you to that conclusion?

 

You are half right. I don't have many friends but I'm working on improving those relationships. However I'm in a romantic relationship with fantastic person who I have incredibly deep connection with. Thanks to her I started to denormalize my dysfunctions. When I encountered FDR I brought those new ideas to her which lead to further improvement of our connection.

[MMX2010]

That's interesting. What lead you to that conclusion?

 

The way you described trying to change your mood by listening to the music, as if changing your mood were the goal.  But I said I was trying to change my personality, which isn't the same as changing my mood. 

 

Also, "To me listening to music that don't reflect my emotional state does nothing for me. I fully accept that I'm full of sadness and sorrow and don't try pretend otherwise."  The fact that you called it "pretending", rather than "changing your emotional focus from sadness to something-else". 

 

 

 

However I'm in a romantic relationship with fantastic person who I have incredibly deep connection with. Thanks to her I started to denormalize my dysfunctions. When I encountered FDR I brought those new ideas to her which lead to further improvement of our connection.

 

I'm glad about that.   

 

One of the subtler benefits of falling in love is that you realize your emotions affect each other, for better or for worse.  From there, you can develop a much stronger sense of "managing your emotions" or "changing your emotional focus from sadness/anger to something else". 

 

As I make more and more promises to more and more people, I have less time and energy with which to dwell on my anger or depression. 

[Pepin]

I think music can tell you something about yourself, but it is better to be careful.

 

Though it is possible that your musical taste is guided by your past, your taste in music may also be like your taste in food. Sure, it has been culturally conditioned to some degree, sure, your parents might have had some influence, but there may not be anything deeper to your like or dislike of spinach.

 

Music is clearly a super-normal stimuli, and some music will stimulate us more than others. In these cases, there isn't anything more to it than "I like this".

 

With that said, a lot of the music I listen to is a result of my brain. I tend to listen to music with patterns and themes I don't really understand, and my goal is to understand them.

 

There are some bands and albums that I will listen to when I am in a certain mood. In the past there were certain songs that I listened to because they related with my circumstance. Some Pink Floyd and System of a Down is certainly in that category, though with SOAD my interest was more this perspective that I hadn't been familiar with and grasping what it was about.

 

But more often than not, I ignore the lyrics and go more for the instrumentals. I am a bit of a musician and big into playing guitar, so some good riffs and great solos is what I go for.

[Olle Persson]

I think music can sometimes be a message carrier with information to ourself, I sometimes find my self singing the chorus "My lonliness is killing me" from Baby One More Time - Britney Spears, even though I don't listen to Britney Spears. So i don't regard music as avoidance in that sense, more as information from the subconcious. 

 

I've listened to a band called Keane since my teenage years, and I love their songs becuase the singer a very friendly, open and loving voice which a part of me finds soothing, and the songs express emotional honesty to me which allows me to connect with myself. So that is another effect music has on me.

 

But everyone uses music for different reasons of course so I don't think it's black and white.

I didn't found out this approach useful. To me listening to music that don't reflect my emotional state does nothing for me. I fully accept that I'm full of sadness and sorrow and don't try pretend otherwise. Therefore I'm drawn towards darker stuff. Of course if in the moment I'm feeling happy or pumped up I tend to listen to more lively stuff.

I have particular aversion towards mainstream pop, because in my opinion it sends the message "be happy no matter what" which is no different than base dissosiation. Especially I dislike songs about so called "love". It dawned on me one day that there's kind of desperate undertone in them. Then I concluded that it has to do with feelings of abandonment from childhood which then are projected to the perfect guy/girl in the song. It's unsettling to me because it presents sadness as happiness.

 

Yes I think you are right in that love song has a desperate/co-dependent undertone, lyrics like "I cant live without you" really carry that message.

[Jinr0h]

If attraction to a specific genre was typical of a specific childhood trauma than wouldn't that be universal?

I know that when I was in Afghanistan there was no metal around and I can assure you that children there are severely abused.

There are so many factors to take into account as mentioned in some of the replies but for example if you have never been exposed to a genre then that can never be an option, unless there have been instances of genres being invented multiple times in cultures with no contact.

 

If we take music to be an expression of the self then we could say that as individuals we can relate to that emotion / story being expressed but that is a very honest conversation that requires introspection and I do not think the majority of music listeners in popular culture do any of that, I would say that a music genre or song may not be what an individual is relating to but rather the community that surrounds that genre as a place to feel that your existence is justified in some way. Kind of like gang signs or prison tattoos.

 

I also think that music can be used as a tool, I do better working out listening to metal but I do better gardening whilst listening to a podcast so maybe music can be used as a frame to structure an action or thought?

[markovcd]

Strange coincidence. Just stumbled upon this podcast (start at 30 minute mark):

http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_1766_Sunday_Show_10_Oct_2010.mp3

 

http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/1766

 

There are interesting insights about topic in question by the caller and Stef.

[MysterionMuffles]

I think it heightens what's already there within you. If a song speaks to you, it's important to understand why in terms of lyrics. It can be a reflection of unmet needs, or needs that are being met.

 

For the most part I'm open to most music, but I have been thinking about the screamy growly metal and I wonder to what degree that is just normalizing being screamed at as a child. It can also be a reflection of someone's own inner voice screaming for whatever the lyricist longs for. 

 

But then screaming doesn't always mean anger. A band I used to listen to called Alexisonfire featured screaming as the dominant vocals, but the lyrics were sometimes just random poetry and happiness. I guess during the time I listened to them a lot, I was all about the abstract intellectualizations and the incoherence that needs to be studied in order to be understood. 

 

This is a great topic and I feel like my thoughts are really jumbled right now, I'll be back later. It's a very good topic and I've made a few similar topics, so I look forward to what everyone else has to say about this.

Does the music I connect with is good in bringing out the pain of the past or is it used as self-medication to project the emotions somewhere else?

I get that when lacking self-knowledge music can be used to avoid stuff but when one accepts true source of pain can embracing darker sounds can aid better connection with oneself?

How does your path to self understanding changed your music preferences?

 

I think it may be good to bring it out if you're highly aware of what the song is bringing up for you. If you're listening to a song about heartbreak, for instance, it's important to look at the lyrics that touch you the most and see what they're trying to say to you. Again, I have more on this later, I'll even share with you some songs that really hit me and why.

 

I don't know if lacking self knowledge music can be used to avoid stuff. It's hard to define really. I feel like, if the song has come from a sincere place, the lyrics are in itself a self exploration. Minus any rap where all they do is brag about their riches and bitches, I believe that any form of lyrics that come from a place of vulnerability and honesty is a way to show how one IS connected to themselves--hopefully helping you do the same.

 

My path to self understanding changed my music preferences, I guess you can easily find in my opening post in my thread Identifying With the Music You Listen To as well as my move from growling and screaming to more clean vocals in my Growly Screamy Music thread. It's a lot of reading I know, you don't have to read the entire threads if you don't want to, it's more the opening posts I wanted to draw your attention to for more of my already stated thoughts.

[notjam]

it seems that moslty music is a reflection of our emotional state, we relate to the vibe that resonates with us in that particular emotional state. which is why most enjoy many different genres of music. and even when people only like one genre, they still have diversity within :

example : most metal / rock bands have at least one ballad per album

 

but not all attraction to music is based on our emotional state, some may be intelectual intrigue . such as complex progressive, fusion, classical, jazz, and such. like enjoying a painting it can evoke our emotions or our minds. and sometimes both. 

[Lens]

Sometimes music can bring you closer to yourself and other times it can separate you from you true feelings for example you listen to happy music to not to feel sad or angry but if you want to be honest with yourself you need to face the feelings you are avoiding so the first step is to acknowledge that sometimes you will use music to escape a bit and to have a respite which is totally ok if it is a temporary measure. You can use therapy or self-therapy to know yourself better and know your feelings also to build more tolerance for your most difficult emotions that you are escaping with music. You will escape them less and less in the future and ultimately you will listen to the music that goes so well with your true self depending on how you feel in the present moment. One more thing if you cannot easily cry you can use sad music to help you to open the floodgates in this way music can be very helpful to ease the resistance to your feelings.

[August Boulder]

If we take music to be an expression of the self then we could say that as individuals we can relate to that emotion / story being expressed but that is a very honest conversation that requires introspection and I do not think the majority of music listeners in popular culture do any of that, I would say that a music genre or song may not be what an individual is relating to but rather the community that surrounds that genre as a place to feel that your existence is justified in some way. Kind of like gang signs or prison tattoos.

 

This is a very good point. I can't speak for others, and don't want to make generalizations, but I believe most people choose the music they listen to based on their friends' preferences and whatever is readily available that they identify with. However, I think that a great many people refrain from listening to genres or particular artists that they would otherwise enjoy in fear of their peers' rejection and possible ostracization. Also, I think most people tend to give a rather small space to music within their lives – it's rather time consuming to be constantly looking for new artists, especially now that it's become so easy to listen to thousands of artists within most genres, it's tough to find the music you really identify with.

 

I've been listening to music seriously for some time now, and find that I like a few artists within practically every genre, although I do have certain preferred genres and record labels. Most of my favorite music is of a melancholy nature, but I also listen to some upbeat music, especially 80's New Wave, and I really like intricate melodies and interesting sounds and environments. However, though I have tried finding artists in the metal scene to identify with, I have come to the conclusion that this genre just does not fit with me at all. I find most of it rather violent, and emotionally oppressive. It generally makes me feel a bit anxious and the themes it generally covers are just so infantile. Of course, progressive metal is rather different, and I remember liking bands like Tool when I was younger. Tool have rather beautiful melodies, and the singers voice is also quite beautiful in that he has a wide vocal range and employs it very well.

 

Addressing the OP concerns, I think that music can certainly be a way of avoiding change in one's lifestyle. I think that if a certain person is living an apathetic life, for example, the music that they listen to may be a way of reinforcing those ideas to prevent (sometimes even unconsciously) a change that might prove quite difficult. I recently underwent a radical change, after a sort of crisis, and activated my emotions which had been "turned off" for a very long time. And I noticed that my taste in music started to change, because my newly rekindled emotions would not permit me to continue listening to some of the music I had been listening to before. These artists had some very negative elements in their work, and I chose to stop listening to them because of it. In order to move ahead and become more positive.

 

I think that my preference for melancholy in music, has a lot to do with my awareness of the current state of the world. If we are to be empathetic individuals, I think that it makes sense to identify with art that reflects the difficulties we face as a race, and addresses the issues that we all deal with on a daily basis. Life is pretty hard, and the road to happiness is full of obstacles. And so to me, sad music basically helps me feel like I'm not alone in feeling this way. However, it's important that art also give us hope for the future... I don't know, I have a lot of thoughts on these issues, and don't feel like I can express them all now.

 

I recently discoved Elliott Smith, a greatly talented songwriter, and would recommend it to you all. Also, Zbignew Preisner's music is very beautiful – I recommend him as well. You may be familiar with his scores (Krzysztof Kieslowski's films, The Secret Garden)...

 

"Melancholy is the happiness in sadness." - Victor Hugo