Addiction, Anger and the Fallacy of the Twelve Steps

[J. D. Stembal]

I am celebrating one year of sobriety, and have put together an audio journal about addiction. This is the most difficult presentation I have put together so far. I had to carefully explore my parental inner-voices. It is a reconstruction of three different sessions recorded over the past week.

 

I could not have explored this topic so closely without first deFOOing from my toxic family.

 

Toward the end, I reflect on a strategy for changing the Twelve Step Program to remove god and the abdication of the self from the equation, which makes it a more humanizing process.

 

Thank you for listening, and I appreciate the input as always!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptkhFWbmUI4

 

I want to recommend any of Nathaniel Brandon's works on self-esteem and Jay Earley's IFS books, as these are the primary resources that I use for self-exploration and therapy.

 

Shout out to Elliot Hulse of Strength Camp for providing a physical manifestation of self-esteem that I can model, and Stefan Molyneux and the Philosophy Crew at Free Domain Radio for being major influences on me recognizing and acknowledging my destructive addiction. This has been a collaborative effort to be certain.

[_LiveFree_]

Damn! I ran out of 1 ups for you! Way to go J.D.! Also, everything you recommended in your post I 2nd!

[J. D. Stembal]

Damn! I ran out of 1 ups for you! Way to go J.D.! Also, everything you recommended in your post I 2nd!

 

Don't worry. I got your back, Jack!

[_LiveFree_]

Ok, there we go!

 

+1 for you sir!

[J. D. Stembal]

Ok, there we go!

 

+1 for you sir!

 

Thanks, I really appreciate it, Nathan.

 

I want to put out the invitation that I am also seeking questions, specific criticisms or input on the content. I know it's a longer listen, so I will be patient. I am happy I was able to cut it down to under forty minutes.

 

I was absolutely thrilled by the feedback I got several weeks back on my "Hacking the Gibson" Dream Analysis/Book Review from Lens and a few others. It really helped me see what my subconscious was telling me, and I am planning a follow-up to the dream analysis video in order to explore additional areas I purposely omitted the first time around.

[Lens]

Congratulations on your sobriety it must feel good to get out of addiction that is a lot of courage!! I can share your enthusiasm also because I stopped smoking a little more than a year ago and I feel great and my lungs feel great too! The more you escape toxic people the less you will feel the need to destroy yourself. Addiction to substances is the price we pay to continue to lie to ourselves out of fear of exposing our family's lies. The 12 steps are maybe helpful to encourage people to stop but they do never treat the root problems of addiction to alcohol which are violence, humiliations and sexual abuse in childhood mainly perpetrated by parents the twelve steps clearly protect parents at the highest level. 

[J. D. Stembal]

Congratulations on your sobriety it must feel good to get out of addiction that is a lot of courage!! I can share your enthusiasm also because I stopped smoking a little more than a year ago and I feel great and my lungs feel great too! The more you escape toxic people the less you will feel the need to destroy yourself. Addiction to substances is the price we pay to continue to lie to ourselves out of fear of exposing our family's lies. The 12 steps are maybe helpful to encourage people to stop but they do never treat the root problems of addiction to alcohol which are violence, humiliations and sexual abuse in childhood mainly perpetrated by parents the twelve steps clearly protect parents at the highest level. 

 

Oh, that is great news, Lens!

 

I feel better now than I have in my entire life. Alcohol and drugs hold no appeal any more. I also shelved all the video games, which I have been playing since I was four or five. They hold a certain power over me as well since they were my surrogate parents for a lot of my childhood.

 

Unfortunately, I picked the cigar habit back up when I was writing my deFOO letters. I had been smoke-free for a number of months. I will give it up again, I'm sure.

 

This didn't make the final cut of the audio journal, although perhaps it should have. I spoke of my father and my anger at the NA meeting. It's hard to know for sure because no one is allowed to ask me questions when I am speaking, but I could visibly see everyone's eyes turn glassy and unfocused around me like they didn't know how or were refusing to process what I was saying emotionally. It was very creepy to experience the amygdalas of a dozen people scream in unison.

[Lens]

Oh, that is great news, Lens!

 

I feel better now than I have in my entire life. Alcohol and drugs hold no appeal any more. I also shelved all the video games, which I have been playing since I was four or five. They hold a certain power over me as well since they were my surrogate parents for a lot of my childhood.

 

Unfortunately, I picked the cigar habit back up when I was writing my deFOO letters. I had been smoke-free for a number of months. I will give it up again, I'm sure.

 

This didn't make the final cut of the audio journal, although perhaps it should have. I spoke of my father and my anger at the NA meeting. It's hard to know for sure because no one is allowed to ask me questions when I am speaking, but I could visibly see everyone's eyes turn glassy and unfocused around me like they didn't know how or were refusing to process what I was saying emotionally. It was very creepy to experience the amygdalas of a dozen people scream in unison.

 

 

I strongly believe that people know exactly what they are trying to block from processing. They know it unconsciously some are open to investigate and others (majority) will blame you for their chaotic emotional state. Btw I tried many times to speak to people about my family at first you get their attention but the more you go deep especially in very early childhood experiences the harder they can follow sometimes I get the silence treatment. It makes perfect sense to me that people cannot process your emotional reaction when talking about your anger against your father they prefer to hide their anger behind notions like spirituality and higher power and they talk about successful recovery I call that having a new pair of crutches. Real recovery is one day walking without them not seeking to upgrade them to the latest model. I wish you much success in completely getting rid of every obsession and addiction in your life you are very much worth it and by the way I admire your courage to be on YouTube it's something I envy you I hope one day to be able to do something like what you're doing. 

[J. D. Stembal]

It makes perfect sense to me that people cannot process your emotional reaction when talking about your anger against your father they prefer to hide their anger behind notions like spirituality and higher power and they talk about successful recovery I call that having a new pair of crutches. Real recovery is one day walking without them not seeking to upgrade them to the latest model. I wish you much success in completely getting rid of every obsession and addiction in your life you are very much worth it and by the way I admire your courage to be on YouTube it's something I envy you I hope one day to be able to do something like what you're doing. 

 

That's exactly what bothered me so much about the NA group! By abdicating self-efficacy and throwing in my hat with religion, I would be saying to my self-esteem "I am so weak that I have to embrace irrationality to cope and admit that I am sinful and something is wrong with my soul."

 

Thank you for the motivational message. I knew it was a recording that I needed to do for a while. I was dragging my feet on it. Are you are one of my seven subscribers?

[Lens]

Yes I know that feeling of letting go of your right to defend yourself and giving it up to an imaginary power. That is the illusion we had as children when we surrendered to our abusive parents and fantasized that they loved us and they will always protect us, which is a complete lie they were abusing us in the worst way possible and no one noticed it. People who think that the slaps, beatings and disrespect they got from their parents was a sign of love and for their own good will for sure repeat this illusion with god, spiritual gurus or with other parent figures I can imagine a woman who views herself helpless and victim her whole life (like a child) wants to be in a relationship with a "strong and influential man" so she feels loved and protected at last she feels that she means something, she feels she is loved and her fears and inadequacies are temporary gone. A lot of people are trapped like that. I am really happy for you that you can protect yourself from these guys and openly talk about it.

 

No I am not a subscriber I watch your videos when you post them here.

[J. D. Stembal]

I don't recall the context at the moment, but last night, I had a dream that I was drinking again. What could this mean?

 

Considering that I've just met a lot of new people through the local crossfit gym, I have a suspicion that there are some who are threatened when I am being genuine and authentic, which is the inciting stimuli for the Asshole Proximity Disorder Stefan described last year, the show that convinced me to stop drinking.

 

Keep in mind that I told two of the trainers, and the general manager that I wanted to train for an Olympic or powerlifting competition and win, preferably before age 41. I'm obviously in the zone where no one is taking me seriously quite yet, but I sense that some of the other members perceive my attitude to be intimidating or overeager.

 

I have been showing up an hour early to stretch and watch the 6:30 class. I was asked by one of the trainers to do my stretching outside in the parking lot when another class is in session, which seemed like a weird request since there is plenty of room inside the building. At any rate, I complied with the trainer's request.

[_LiveFree_]

I don't recall the context at the moment, but last night, I had a dream that I was drinking again. What could this mean?

 

Considering that I've just met a lot of new people through the local crossfit gym, I have a suspicion that there are some who are threatened when I am being genuine and authentic, which is the inciting stimuli for the Asshole Proximity Disorder Stefan described last year, the show that convinced me to stop drinking.

 

Keep in mind that I told two of the trainers, and the general manager that I wanted to train for an Olympic or powerlifting competition and win, preferably before age 41. I'm obviously in the zone where no one is taking me seriously quite yet, but I sense that some of the other members perceive my attitude to be intimidating or overeager.

 

I have been showing up an hour early to stretch and watch the 6:30 class. I was asked by one of the trainers to do my stretching outside in the parking lot when another class is in session, which seemed like a weird request since there is plenty of room inside the building. At any rate, I complied with the trainer's request.

 

 

How is your sleep overall?

[J. D. Stembal]

How is your sleep overall?

 

I generally sleep very restfully. Sometimes, I wake up to take a leak in the middle of the night because you must hydrate extensively before bed in the high alpine environment. I have been noticing that the abnormal level of physical exertion required for crossfit class keeps me charged and awake far longer than I am used to. Normally, I lift between 8:00-10:00PM and lay down to bed just afterwards.

 

Last night, I felt like I wanted to eat before bed, so I put down about 1000 kcal before trying to fall asleep, and my mind wouldn't shut off. I am very excited about joining the fitness community and learning more about how to improve my mind, body, and overall well-being. I imagine that this weekend, I will sleep like a stone every night.

 

I still don not recall exactly which people were around me in the dream, but it is clear that I was drinking alcohol. I think it was either my old drinking buddies from Chicago or my former circle of friends in Denver who consider me to be now completely brainwashed as a full-fledged Stefbot.

 

It may be worth pointing out that my trainer might be a fellow self-medicator. He was talking about how he got into crossfit and the story began with him and his friend watching the 2010 Crossfit Games in a sports bar. A quick examination of his body tells me that he may be drinking many of his calories in the form of beer. If he's been into crossfit for 5 years, there's something holding him back health-wise.

[_LiveFree_]

Do you recall anything else about the dream?

[J. D. Stembal]

Do you recall anything else about the dream?

 

I do not recall anything more about the dream other than "out drinking with old drinking partners". I thought it was significant enough to point out that my subconscious was examining alcohol again. Perhaps it thinks that I can start using again without it being a problem, but the very desire behind that urge is a problem. (Fitting in with the muggles around me.)

[Lens]

The dream may tell you that you are still drinking your parent's propaganda. It takes so many years to heal. Dreams are very helpful and can be highly symbolic and very clear like in this one. Some of my childhood memories came up in dreams and they were very clear I used them to advance in self knowledge.

 

Don't forget that your drinking habit was to numb your pain. Anything done in excess is to numb emotional pain and to not to remember the past. Beware of anything you are doing in your life in excess that can serve your escapism. Also beware of finding all sorts of "logical" excuses to your escapism. Sometimes we need to stop to run and face the past. You are a very smart man use that asset to extricate yourself from your abusive past, please don't repeat it.

[J. D. Stembal]

The dream may tell you that you are still drinking your parent's propaganda. It takes so many years to heal. Dreams are very helpful and can be highly symbolic and very clear like in this one. Some of my childhood memories came up in dreams and they were very clear I used them to advance in self knowledge.

 

Don't forget that your drinking habit was to numb your pain. Anything done in excess is to numb emotional pain and to not to remember the past. Beware of anything you are doing in your life in excess that can serve your escapism. Also beware of finding all sorts of "logical" excuses to your escapism. Sometimes we need to stop to run and face the past. You are a very smart man use that asset to extricate yourself from your abusive past, please don't repeat it.

 

I am spending a large part of my time exploring self-knowledge, reading, thinking and writing. That's where I get the insights for my videos. It dwarfs the amount of time I spend on exercise, if that is a concern.

 

More than a year ago, I would not have been able to be honest with myself that I was surrounded by toxic people, my girlfriend included, and that my parents were the most toxic. I was only just beginning to suspect it (and despairing from the reality of it) because I had pushed away the bottle. I was thinking clearly and for myself for the first time since I was a teenager.

 

The first two times I visited my Denver friends from the mountains after giving up alcohol, I was invited to a bar for a college football game, and a friend's house for a professional football game, where people were drunk - so drunk I could smell the stink of it on them.

 

I remember being very uncomfortable and I didn't say much. I was offered a beer, but I refused. I spoke with one of my friends after the game was over, because I had a lot of things that I wanted to tell him about my family. It was a BLARP on my part. The guy had a deer in headlights look on his face (he was probably six beers into it) and I realized that everything I was saying was not registering, and I was most likely torturing him so I stopped and left.

 

This is the last conversation of any substance that I've had, or attempted, with most friends from my alcoholic past. Since then, I've been telling people that I'm an alcoholic, trying to look for friends that appreciate sobriety, or have also had a difficult past with substance abuse.

 

I'm planning to start a non-religious addiction outreach group in my county, and I've inquired with S.O.S. There are several programs already, but they all take place at Christian churches. There are a few zealous bible-thumpers up here in the mountains, and I wish to avoid them for obvious reasons.

 

 

[Lens]

Yes it was concern that sports would take you away from self-knowledge thank you for clarifying your position. Self knowledge for me is the most important thing in the world. I hope it becomes also an important thing for others too. I wish you good luck in your projects!

[J. D. Stembal]

Yes it was concern that sports would take you away from self-knowledge thank you for clarifying your position. Self knowledge for me is the most important thing in the world. I hope it becomes also an important thing for others too. I wish you good luck in your projects!

 

I see fitness and wellness as two sides of the same coin of overall health. Exercise is a vital component to my therapy, as much as removing toxic people from my life was.

 

Thank you for the words of support! (I need to hear more of them from the family in my head.) Without you and Nathan, many of my threads would be me typing to myself.

 

The crowd on Twitter, Facebook and Google provided me with polarized responses on my genital integrity message. On here, nothing.

[_LiveFree_]

If the only thing you recall about the dream was drinking alcohol then I would guess this is a stark representation of your current emotional state. You have come from an abusive past, from which developed certain habits and ways of thinking. Instead of feeling the anger, despair, and terror of that environment you self-medicated with alcohol, other substances, and relationships/sex. The thing about addiction is that it's the mind being addicted to anything that prohibits moving forward. It's like the brain is wired up to only act out addictive behaviors. The object or action that is addicted to is not so much as important as the physiological drive to unconsciously engage them. You know all of this, of course.
 
I think what the dream is trying to remind you of is that you are still wired up as an addict. A burn victim doesn't become A-OK just because they've been doused with water. They will have major damage to their skin that can never be fully repaired back to brand new. Your past cannot be undone. An analogy that Stef has used is that you cannot make a plate new that has been dropped and shattered. What you can do is the painstaking, time consuming work of carefully gluing it back together.  You'll never be as strong as you could have been, but you can be stronger than those who do not acknowledge they have been shattered. 
 
The thing about a shattered plate is that there are many pieces that are no longer working together. They are in their own space, going their own direction, and sometimes contradicting other pieces. Two pieces that come together don't necessarily fit together. So if you had a large 5 gallon bucket and it was full of tiny puzzle pieces, how would you approach putting those puzzles back together? Would you dive in and immediately start gluing pieces together in an attempt to make them fit in order to look like progress is being made? Or would you take the time to separate them out and examine them? Would you start gluing before you knew exactly where they fit? 
 
Just about everyone who embarks on self-knowledge work has false starts or pushes too hard in the beginning. They experience it as excitement of something new, feeling better, getting stronger. But what is actually happening is they are fleeing in terror. This causes the individual to take wrong paths and have to back track later and start again. 
 
You say you are not exercising to the point of addiction. Fair enough, I accept that. 
 
The start of putting together a puzzle is like meditation; you do a whole heaping of observing without acting. 
 
Do you feel that there are actions you must take right away? 
 
 
(one quick thought, do you have a guide for the exercising that you are doing? Like a trainer? Do you have a guide for the self-work that you are doing?)

[Lens]

You're welcome I think we all need the help of others especially when we are in the beginning of the path to the real self slowly you will need less validation from others and you will provide validation for yourself without much doubts. Sometimes you will find yourself typing for yourself and no one really understand or want to understand your struggle at that precise time you should not feel guilty or abandon yourself, at that precise moment you need your own unconditional compassion for your own self because the person that ultimately should understand you is YOU others can bring support to help you to trust YOU. I too sometimes type for myself. I think that self knowledge is not yet as popular as it should be that is why you don't get much attention. On a mother note I recommend you a book called The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting by Alice Miller

 

Take care

[J. D. Stembal]

You say you are not exercising to the point of addiction. Fair enough, I accept that. 

 

The start of putting together a puzzle is like meditation; you do a whole heaping of observing without acting. 

 

Do you feel that there are actions you must take right away? 

 

 

(one quick thought, do you have a guide for the exercising that you are doing? Like a trainer? Do you have a guide for the self-work that you are doing?)

 

I am very carefully examining my motivations for pursuing weight lifting. It feels good but not in the buzzed manner chemical or sex neurochemical dependency does. In the past (teens and early twenties), I did just enough of it to appear physically attractive to women. My goal had nothing to do with longevity or health because I was mainly eating fast food and microwaveable prepared meals, smoking, drinking, and doing drug. Me and my penis wanted to make another penis without knowing why.

 

I've turned my former goal of fitness 180 degrees and placed myself first, not women, or the expectations of others. My body has long suffered from an acute distress caused by neglect and abuse, and I am working to repair it from the ground up, much like the broken plate you mentioned. My back, for instance, is badly misaligned from years of slouching behind a computer desk, and I've had numerous back and neck problems over the years. I am going to schedule a session with a chiropractor for next week.

 

I've done enough observation and reflection. Now is the time for more action, hence taking my fitness to the next level.

 

I have had a trainer for the last week, but it is a group session and not a one-on-one appointment. This is the man I mentioned earlier in the thread. He is knowledgeable about the movements of weight lifting, but I suspect he lacks self-knowledge judging by how he reacted non-verbally to me saying that I had a drinking problem. It was a momentary flinch of the eyes, but I saw it.

 

I've spoken with two or three other trainers at the same gym so far, but none of them seem to get it yet. I'm sure there are a lot of people who come in with some sort of non-confrontational motivation all the time and do it for a couple months and then quit.

 

(For example, my classmate in the acclimation class is a mother of two who is motivated to lose weight for her husband. I think that it's a poor choice as far as motivations are concerned but who is anyone to tell her otherwise?)

 

I walked in two Mondays ago and said that I want to train to compete. I know there is someone around that knows how to train competitors. Natalie Newhart hangs around here for a reason. She is the up and coming women's crossfit contender, however, she got injured last year. She looks fantastic now, physically. I intend on picking her brain at the soonest possible opportunity. I don't like the answer she gives in the last paragraph of this article, however.

 

http://boxlifemagazine.com/athlete-profiles/natalie-mclain-a-crossfitter-like-no-other

[J. D. Stembal]

You're welcome I think we all need the help of others especially when we are in the beginning of the path to the real self slowly you will need less validation from others and you will provide validation for yourself without much doubts. Sometimes you will find yourself typing for yourself and no one really understand or want to understand your struggle at that precise time you should not feel guilty or abandon yourself, at that precise moment you need your own unconditional compassion for your own self because the person that ultimately should understand you is YOU others can bring support to help you to trust YOU. I too sometimes type for myself. I think that self knowledge is not yet as popular as it should be that is why you don't get much attention. On a mother note I recommend you a book called The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting by Alice Miller

 

Take care

 

Thank you, Lens. I was impressed with The Drama of the Gifted Child, so I will read another from Miller!

 

I'm not here to type for attention. I understand that self-knowledge is extremely unpopular in the wider world. If I simply wanted attention, my writing would not come from the heart. Trolling is much more effective to illicit a response.

[_LiveFree_]

I am very carefully examining my motivations for pursuing weight lifting. It feels good but not in the buzzed manner chemical or sex neurochemical dependency does. In the past (teens and early twenties), I did just enough of it to appear physically attractive to women. My goal had nothing to do with longevity or health because I was mainly eating fast food and microwaveable prepared meals, smoking, drinking, and doing drug. Me and my penis wanted to make another penis without knowing why.

 

I've turned my former goal of fitness 180 degrees and placed myself first, not women, or the expectations of others. My body has long suffered from an acute distress caused by neglect and abuse, and I am working to repair it from the ground up, much like the broken plate you mentioned. My back, for instance, is badly misaligned from years of slouching behind a computer desk, and I've had numerous back and neck problems over the years. I am going to schedule a session with a chiropractor for next week.

 

I've done enough observation and reflection. Now is the time for more action, hence taking my fitness to the next level.

 

I have had a trainer for the last week, but it is a group session and not a one-on-one appointment. This is the man I mentioned earlier in the thread. He is knowledgeable about the movements of weight lifting, but I suspect he lacks self-knowledge judging by how he reacted non-verbally to me saying that I had a drinking problem. It was a momentary flinch of the eyes, but I saw it.

 

I've spoken with two or three other trainers at the same gym so far, but none of them seem to get it yet. I'm sure there are a lot of people who come in with some sort of non-confrontational motivation all the time and do it for a couple months and then quit.

 

(For example, my classmate in the acclimation class is a mother of two who is motivated to lose weight for her husband. I think that it's a poor choice as far as motivations are concerned but who is anyone to tell her otherwise?)

 

I walked in two Mondays ago and said that I want to train to compete. I know there is someone around that knows how to train competitors. Natalie Newhart hangs around here for a reason. She is the up and coming women's crossfit contender, however, she got injured last year. She looks fantastic now, physically. I intend on picking her brain at the soonest possible opportunity. I don't like the answer she gives in the last paragraph of this article, however.

 

http://boxlifemagazine.com/athlete-profiles/natalie-mclain-a-crossfitter-like-no-other

 

 

Ok, so you didn't respond to my questions and then, again, made an attempt to convince me that your motivations for training are solid. This whole post in a response to a post where I specifically said,...

 

"You say you are not exercising to the point of addiction. Fair enough, I accept that."

 

So, it's ok. I don't need to be convinced of that anymore. But it is interesting that you would go on about it again, while not answering my other questions. (To be fair, you did answer my question about you having a physical trainer.)

 

So how about we cut to the chase. You continually avoid talk of seeing therapist. Why? 

[Lens]

I know and feel you write from the heart! Thank you

[J. D. Stembal]

 You continually avoid talk of seeing therapist. Why? 

 

Exercise is one of my main avenues to therapy. I've had many insights while walking especially.

 

I've also worked through Nathaniel Branden's The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. I have three IFS books from Jay Earley that I am currently working through. I journal, meditate, attempt dream analysis with the help of FDR members, talk to myself in a mirror, and I am learning to love and accept myself after deFOOing and quitting drinking.

 

I plan on giving the Talkspace people a half hour test drive to see if I like it. I would prefer to talk to someone in person. There is no IFS therapist in this county.

[_LiveFree_]

Exercise is one of my main avenues to therapy. I've had many insights while walking especially.

 

I've also worked through Nathaniel Branden's The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. I have three IFS books from Jay Earley that I am currently working through. I journal, meditate, attempt dream analysis with the help of FDR members, talk to myself in a mirror, and I am learning to love and accept myself after deFOOing and quitting drinking.

 

I plan on giving the Talkspace people a half hour test drive to see if I like it. I would prefer to talk to someone in person. There is no IFS therapist in this county.

 

Again, you did not answer my question, not that this is wrong or bad. I'm just acknowledging that you didn't answer my question. I know that you are doing all of those things you listed. What I don't know is why you avoid talking about seeing a therapist. Nor am I trying to guilt you into seeing a therapist or pressure you into it. That would almost ensure you got nothing out of it if you did go. 

 

So this was my question..

 

"You continually avoid talk of seeing therapist. Why?"

 

You do not have to answer if you do not want to, but I do think exploring this will help you greatly. 

 

(Something else to note is that Stefan strenuously encourages anyone who is thinking of breaking from their family to do it under the guidance of a therapist. My own experience of this is breaking from my father for 10 years and mother for 2 before having to reconnect with them in order to properly and finally break from them.)

[Artist707]

I heard your video, and I thought it was interesting to hear. First I want to sympathize with your upbringings as a child. I can relate to you on many levels and it seems like you had a really tough time especially in high school. I'm sorry that has happened. 

 

I think that addiction is a very serious problem. I have recently realized that I have been addicted to porn, drugs, academia, relationships, among others things that had (and still is) a negative effect on my well being. I have recently put my priorities on helping myself with my sexual addiction rather than any other issue that has affected me. I'm currently seeing a therapist for this because I realize that I cannot go about it alone. 

 

From my experience, anyone who has a compulsive disorder (or an addiction) will try to substitute another addiction if he or she were to repress the initial addiction without dealing with the root causes. For example, I substituted computer programming and academia for porn for awhile. I convinced myself that I'm getting out of porn, but really I wasn't because I still had compulsions that were harming me. Without a competent person (therapist included) or friends that can help you see these problems, it will be nearly impossible to see what you are planning to be addicted to next, in my opinion. I'm a very smart person but I failed to miss many things that were (and I bet still is) happening with my behavior.

 

Why I mention is because I feel skeptical of your actions of becoming a power-lifter. I might be projecting my issues here, but I see a lot of the behaviors that I see when I try to take up something new to be immersed in it. And every time, they don't get me what I want. I believe this is so because I'm looking for my next addiction. I would look into what the best possible way it is to get good at something. Then find the "perfect" way to do it. And really obsess about how I'm going to be a "top" person in the field. I might be wrong, but I see similar behavior here. And I'm not saying it's wrong to look up how to be the best at something. It's just that for someone like you and me who are addicts need to really be careful what we decide to focus (or distract) our minds on.