What do my mother's behaviors mean?

[AlexB]

It's been several months since I told my mother that I'd prefer not to have a communications with her for the immediate future. I told her that I feel anxiety and discomfort when I'm around her. She recently sent me a message saying how she had gone through "a very negative period this past year" and that if we had an opportunity to see each other that she would "do her very best to make sure she doesn't revert to such negative behavior".

The other day I was walking home from work when she honked at me from her car and waved. Then she pulled over and got out to talk to me. Her behavior seemed to be the exact same as all of our interactions had been. She tells me about some problem she's having, I can't remember exactly what it was this time but it was to the affect of "I just had to have something fixed with the car". Then after congratulating me on a recent work promotion she moved on to telling me about one of my relatives being in town and asking me - if my relative brought it up, if they could both see me. This seems to be what she does every time we have an interaction; she offloads information about all her difficulties and then tries to get me involved in some sort of interaction with her family.

I've explained to her before that I have no interest in any of my relatives so at very least it seems to be a disregard for my preferences. I'm curious to understanding this seeming ritual of hers. A part of me wants to identify it so that I can tell her what she needs help with if she plans to continue having a relationship with me.

 

Until an ex-partner of mine pointed out the dysfunction in my relationship/interactions with my mother, I was seemingly blind to it. In the same way I seem to have difficulty identifying what it is about our interactions that give me anxiety/discomfort. If I had to label it, I would say that I constantly feel manipulated when I'm around her, but it's hard for me to come up with examples of it.

Any thoughts on this would be welcome. If I need to provide more information I can.

[Tomas van de Wiel]

Hey Alex,

 

I can relate to the situation you describe with your mother, that's why I think I might have something helpful to say.
You say you have difficulty coming up with examples of her being manipulative. I don't think that's totally true, as you just gave a very clear example of it in your post.
Just as I did, you told your mother how you felt in her presence and that you needed time away from her. What was her response to that? You didn't mention this in your post.
But the answer to it is already quite obvious, I think, when looking at her behaviour afterwards. 
You opened up a conversation about very important things, your experience when talking to her, and then later she contacts you again talking about her problems of which the importance comes not even close to the problem you are having. You were vulnerable, you gave yourself and her a chance to explore why this is your experience and to better the relationship.

Did you feel like she was genuinely curious about your experience? Did she express that? Do you feel like she sees the importance of this?
How can you help her, or your relationship, if she does not see the importance of talking about your experience of the relationship? How can there be any improvement if this is put on the side for the utter unimportant fact that her car was broken? Or that she'd like you to be around certain family members?

The manipulation is right in front of you, when she changes the subject of the conversation to something completely irrelevant, when she ignores your anxiety and discomfort, which in my case showed me very clearly where that discomfort came from.
You feel constantly manipulated, because she is constantly manipulating you into not paying attention to your true experience of her.
She wants you to be blind because that's the only way in which the relationship would hold.

I'm sorry if I'm very bold and I know that I might be projecting in some way, because this has been my experience with my parents.
So please tell me if this is helpful to you, or if you think I'm off somewhere.

[Mister Mister]

Did she ask you how you are doing?

[PatrickC]

Going from RoseCodex's excellent question. Did your mother mention anything about your previous conversations with her before your requested break from the relationship?

 

I'm guessing not (perhaps wrongly), but I think it's important to remind her when you've already asked for space. That a coincidence meeting doesn't mean she gets to ignore that request. It's a breach of trust in that explicit agreement.

 

You have my sympathy mind, as I had a very similar situation (after 7 years) occur for me recently. Except this time they showed up at my house with no warning whatsoever.

[AlexB]

@RoseCodex, that's a good question. I can't quite remember. I assume it's likely she did but I feel like I would have automatically responded with "good".

@PatrickC, she definitely didn't acknowledge any previous conversations and I really appreciate you pointing this out. I'm sorry you've had a similar situation. My mother has also done similar things (showing up to drive me somewhere with a surprise relative in the car, showing up at my home with a relative and asking if they could come in).

I grew up with an alcoholic father. I sometimes think that she tries to leverage visits with relatives to prey on that instinct of showing the outside world that everything is "okay" at home.

[PatrickC]

I grew up with an alcoholic father. I sometimes think that she tries to leverage visits with relatives to prey on that instinct of showing the outside world that everything is "okay" at home.

 

Right, so I gather she is really good at avoiding the truth of things in her personal relationships. She is managing her own feelings here and certainly not processing yours at all.

[Mister Mister]

@RoseCodex, that's a good question. I can't quite remember. I assume it's likely she did but I feel like I would have automatically responded with "good".

 

 

Well even if that's the case, does that strike you as weird?  You have asked for space, then she basically just ambushes you into a conversation, without any acknowledgement that she is violating your expressed preferences, any concern or curiosity as to how you have been doing, what's going on in your life, what's on your mind and in your heart.  Instead she just talks mostly about herself and her problems, and an expression of HER needs for you, i.e. to show up at your relative's thing.  It reminds me of a panhandler or canvasser or sidewalk-salesman who just comes up to you randomly and starts talking, giving you a "pitch".  They might ask your name or how you are doing, but they really don't care about you, they just want your money.

 

I think your question "what does my mother's behavior mean" is not the right one at all.  You're trying to understand the reasoning and motivation of a person, without even having asked, and a person who probably wouldn't give you a straight answer if you did ask.  But rather than trying to figure out what it MEANS, I would suggest just trying to see the behavior in the proper context:  your mother is acting without any regard for your lived experience as a person, and your clear expression of preference.  I can certainly identify, and offer my sympathy for how tough this must be for you.  It's really hard to see this stuff when you have grown up around it.

[Kurtis]

Did she ask you how you are doing?

 

 

 

Right, so I gather she is really good at avoiding the truth of things in her personal relationships. She is managing her own feelings here and certainly not processing yours at all.

This was exactly my experience when I also told my emotionally manipulative mother that I needed some time apart. She continued to disregard my preferences, forcing me to do a full defoo to get the boundaries I needed.

 

Until I completely cut her out, every time we talked she would tell me how upset she was, how much my actions were hurting her etc. and never asked how I was doing.

 

She is in so much denial that she was unable to hear the truth of my experience, because it would destroy her personal narrative.

 

I'm so sorry Alex. It is hard when we have to take on the responsibility because of the failures of our parents. Are you currently in therapy? This can be very helpful during this process you are undertaking (and to help you heal the things that were broken in your childhood).

 

Also, trust what your body is telling you. The anxiety, discomfort, etc, is your body communicating to you very important info to keep you safe.

 

Thankyou for sharing and keep up the good work. You are worth it!

[Devon Gibbons]

I told my mother that I'd prefer not to have a communications with her for the immediate future. ...She recently sent me a message.

What did you have in mind when you said "immediate future"? What I mean is, did you specify a length of time or a pre-condition for communications to continue?

[AlexB]

Well even if that's the case, does that strike you as weird?  You have asked for space, then she basically just ambushes you into a conversation, without any acknowledgement that she is violating your expressed preferences, any concern or curiosity as to how you have been doing, what's going on in your life, what's on your mind and in your heart.  Instead she just talks mostly about herself and her problems, and an expression of HER needs for you, i.e. to show up at your relative's thing.  It reminds me of a panhandler or canvasser or sidewalk-salesman who just comes up to you randomly and starts talking, giving you a "pitch".  They might ask your name or how you are doing, but they really don't care about you, they just want your money.

 

I think your question "what does my mother's behavior mean" is not the right one at all.  You're trying to understand the reasoning and motivation of a person, without even having asked, and a person who probably wouldn't give you a straight answer if you did ask.  But rather than trying to figure out what it MEANS, I would suggest just trying to see the behavior in the proper context:  your mother is acting without any regard for your lived experience as a person, and your clear expression of preference.  I can certainly identify, and offer my sympathy for how tough this must be for you.  It's really hard to see this stuff when you have grown up around it.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts, I feel like I can't quite express how valuable they are me adequately through text. How she acts is very weird, and certainly not motherly. I will definitely attempt to see her behavior in the proper context but when I'm confronted with her I seem to have anxiety and then adopt some role or play out some pattern that seems to hijack the philosophical/observant parts of me.Thank you so much for your sympathy and again for your insight.

[AlexB]

 

 

 

This was exactly my experience when I also told my emotionally manipulative mother that I needed some time apart. She continued to disregard my preferences, forcing me to do a full defoo to get the boundaries I needed.

 

Until I completely cut her out, every time we talked she would tell me how upset she was, how much my actions were hurting her etc. and never asked how I was doing.

 

She is in so much denial that she was unable to hear the truth of my experience, because it would destroy her personal narrative.

 

I'm so sorry Alex. It is hard when we have to take on the responsibility because of the failures of our parents. Are you currently in therapy? This can be very helpful during this process you are undertaking (and to help you heal the things that were broken in your childhood).

 

Also, trust what your body is telling you. The anxiety, discomfort, etc, is your body communicating to you very important info to keep you safe.

 

Thankyou for sharing and keep up the good work. You are worth it!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, your thoughts and your sympathy/empathy. I began therapy with an IFS therapist via Skype but I seem to be procrastinating on continuing it in addition to it being expensive. 

[AlexB]

What did you have in mind when you said "immediate future"? What I mean is, did you specify a length of time or a pre-condition for communications to continue?

I could look through my FaceBook messages (I prefer communicating with my mother that way so that I can keep a record, it's much easier to sort through than my memories of our conversations) but I believe the context I put it in with her was "until further notice". After having read these replies however, I feel confident in communicating her behavior, how it makes me feel, as well as refining the expectation on the boundary I have set with her.

[J-William]

Don't worry about what they mean, it's much more important how her actions make you feel, and I'm guessin you wouldn't post about it here if they made you feel good.

 

Until I completely cut her out, every time we talked she would tell me how upset she was, how much my actions were hurting her etc. and never asked how I was doing.

 

How are you doing?

 

Thanks for the post, you triggered a very interesting realization for me.

I deFOOed last year and didn't realize til reading your post that my parents hadn't asked me about how I was doing. They complained about how my mother wasn't happy that I didn't want much to do with them. That comment had stuck with me since a discussion we'd had back in 2011.

[Kurtis]

How are you doing?

 

 

I'm very happy, thanks for asking!     PM sent to avoid taking focus away from the OP.