Verbal abuse of children witnessed daily.

[Zelenn]

So, it has become clear to me recently, in a way that has it has never been before, that I have a front row seat to the CONSTANT verbal assault of children in my profession.

 

I am a phlebotomist (blood taker) for a large medical diagnostics company and the entire purpose of my job is to stick needles into people and get samples of their blood. "People" also includes the children.

 

Sticking kids has always been a challenge for me, because adults can control themselves a bit better and have usually had this done once or twice before. When I have to stick a 6 year old or and 11 year old, its a bit different. They're scared, they're afraid it will hurt, their parent's have often "hyped up" the negativity of what they will experience, and to make matters worse, some parents are flat out abusive to their children in my presence.

 

Today, I had to stick an 11 year old girl. She was black. (An aside: So... this is gonna sound oddly racist, but... Why do black parents seem more often than other races, to be abusive? Is it just me, or does that seem to be the case?) So, this 11 year old came in. She was scared of having her arm stuck with a needle.

 

I'm trying to explain the procedure to her, tell her whats going to happen, address her by name, ask for her preference of arm to use, ya know... generally be a decent human being to her. And Mom is threatening to punch her if she doesn't sit still, ordering her to not look at the needle, and at one point she reaches over and physically grabs the girls face and turns her head.

 

At this point, I told Mom to go to the waiting area. The poor girl was crying and I hadn't even stuck her yet. When I brought the incident up, my co workers (all of them "minority" single Moms) said that the girl was "just sassy." Then I was informed that the parent I dismissed was my supervisor's sister!!!

 

I was so mad, my hand was shaking from the rage I was supressing. (Spolier alert: Not good for using a needle.) During the blood draw, the girl kept looking over to her mother for some kind of confirmation and the only thing I could think to myself was, "Doesn't this girl realize that her mother is abusive? Doesn't she know that this is wrong? Why does she seem to cling to her mother?"

 

And, how come my co workers don't understand that these interactions are wrong? This kind of thing happens in my lab at least once a week, maybe more. Can't report them, I've tried. The incidents are dismissed. The best I seem to be able to achieve is getting the parent away from the child for a few minutes.

 

Goddamit! Just stop being violent people! I'm not asking them to read Aristotle, or produce arguments against Kant's duty based ethics, or watch John Taylor Gatto's documentary on Education. Just stop treating your kids like something between a pet and a hobo! Just stop being violent. Its not that goddamn hard to understand.

 

I am increasing frustrated by the way I see children treated.

 

Any of you have jobs that give you a front row seat to child abuse?

[MagnumPI]

Fortunately at my job, they often do the bring the kids to the office thing on Fridays, but I never witness anything bad. Except of course that they brought them to an engineering office... A special kind of hell for a child, I'd imagine.

 

But I feel you. I see it when I get home. I live in a large, apartment complex with pretty open common areas. Only those with kids seem like the assholes.

[Zelenn]

I have a running theory that the adults so thoroughly hate their own lives and are abjectly lacking in self esteem and they download all of their own bullshit onto their children.

[Carl Green]

I'll share a possible tip that might help with discussing the procedure with kids. If you can get them to experience a similar level of pain from a source they're familiar with you might be able to ease their uncertainty of how much the needle's going to hurt. So, if you say something along the lines of "pinch the skin on your arm until it starts to hurt. I assure you, this needle isn't going to hurt any more than that." they will have an idea of what's about to go down so they hopefully won't be as afraid of it.

 

I'm glad you get to be a positive experience in these children's lives. Even if only for a brief moment. At least they're being exposed to the idea that there's a world out there that has a least some nice people and it's not all like it is in their house everywhere all the time. The abusive mother you gave as an example is the best that child has available to her, as far as she knows. From the girls perspective it's either take what little bit of compassion she can get from her mother, or get none at all from anyone.

[regevdl]

oh my.  I am so sorry for their and your experience!  First.  Continue treating the children like human beings.  bravo...keep that up!  This isn't a tip, so I apologize for that but what I noticed about pain and children is that they tend to react to pain how they see their parents react to pain.  Pain...to a degree is taught, in my observations.  Not to say that a needle prick doesn't hurt, but certainly when my children witness me stub my toe or really hurt myself, I refrain from wailing and making a spectactle and I discuss...as best I can in the moment...what I am experiencing...or at least after I can breath normally.  lol  This is from a small paper cut to a stubbed toe, etc.  Then I notice they tend to react the same way when the same happens to them.  Sometimes they 'laugh it off' if it's not that serious.  We never joke about injuries but once we see it's nothing serious, the laughing helps breathing and releases endorphines for pain.  

 

I'm not in the business you are in and even I have heard parents' theories on hyping up the pain so it won't seem that bad or downplaying it just to get them into the office and then....  

 

The only thing I can think of is pamphlets or some 'required' reading before they come to their appointment.  Something they are given or emailed when making appointment with tips that help children and the parent signs or electronically signs that they read it.  If they exhibit any of the don'ts from the pamphlet (that they signed) in your work space, then they will be asked to reschedule or re-read/sign and return.  This will all be told upfront to encourage them to actually READ it.... the 'recourse' of ....if you hit, threaten or scare your child, we will not do the proceedure and you will need to reschedule...for example. 

 

I don't know if there are any legal red tape against that and would require a lot more concern from more people in your line of work which sounds pretty apathetic group of individuals, I"m sorry to say.  

 

I just thought of this...to add to Carl's clever suggestion..... after they pinch their arm, offer they pinch yours!  lol  I mean I don't know how many kids you see in a day on average, so maybe that would be a tall order but if it's usually only a few, give them the ole' 'eye for an eye' treatment so they feel ' in control' or 'equal'.  

 

Best of luck and thanks so much for caring!  It's refreshing to know there are empathetic health workers out there.  

[Zelenn]

Great tip, Carl. 

 

Zelenn, I'd like to share some parts of your post that bothered me. I hope you understand these are just my feelings and not meant to be critical. Asking (I know it was only in your mind and not out loud) "Doesn't this girl realize that her mother is abusive? Doesn't she know that this is wrong? Why does she seem to cling to her mother?" feels really wrong to me. She is a child. Of course she looks to her mother for comfort. Do you expect her to stand up to her or shun her completely? Then what? As Stef says, teaching philosophy to children actually endangers them at the hands of their ignorant parents. I'm not sure whether that makes sense in this context. I hope you understand what I mean. 

 

Secondly, while reading, I assumed your call to action (marketing speak for what you are asking people to do when you advertise to them) would be for feedback similar to Carl's. It bothered me and felt really out of place and the wrong direction to then ask others to commiserate with you and fill the comments with stories similar to yours. I could be totally wrong, that was just my first reaction. So I wanted to share that with you honestly and see how that might resonate with you, or not. 

 

So, I commend you for trying to do better for these children in the little bit of time you have for them. I just wonder whether you would have more success in collaborating with the parents, or at least modeling to them. For example, you might want to set up expectations when they come in the room, that you will need to have control of the interactions and you will provide direction on what is needed from the parents. See if you can gain the parents' buy-in to step back and allow you to take the lead. That way the child can feel comfortable following your directions. Then you can look in the child's eyes and show them you are on their side, and listening to their feelings, understanding it is a scary experience. I'm hesitant to offer more, and have no idea whether what I've said is helpful or practical at all. But maybe just something to think about.

 

And if you try anything that we here suggest, it would be really cool to hear back on what worked or didn't. I at least for one, and probably others like Carl, would love to help further if possible! Good luck. Thanks for showing these kids some compassion.

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your thoughts and honesty. I want to answer some of your comments by saying that I think this post was meant to go in two directions. You had made a comment about my post going in one direction and then going in different direction and that it felt somewhat off to you. I think that was my purpose in writing. On the one hand I did indeed want genuine feedback and advice such as Carl's and your own. On the other hand, I think my post was a plea for empathy and for someone to simply relate to this kind of experience.

 

So I think responders can go either way with it. My "call to action" is to EITHER give feedback and practical advice, or just commiserate with me and tell me of a similar experience in your life; ya know, help me feel like I'm not the only one that deals with this in their work.

 

Practically speaking, you bring up a very good point. There really aren't any expectations of the parents. Generally speaking the parents are at least pleasant around their children and some are even iconic peaceful parents. Experiences like I posted are fortunately NOT a daily occurance. Because of this, there's nothing in place to handle parents like I spoke of. What I think I will do in the future, is ask the parents to "give us space to work." That will get the parents to back up physically, buffering the child and myself from them. And then I can connect with the child and explain everything, much in the manner Carl suggested; that's basically how I explain it to them.

 

Answering your first point, No, I don't expect the child to realize that her mother is abusive and I "get it." That's just me ranting in my head and venting to the boards. I do understand that philosophy is dangerous for 11 year old in an abusive situation.

 

But thanks for your honest response and don't be shy. Thanks.:-)

I'll share a possible tip that might help with discussing the procedure with kids. If you can get them to experience a similar level of pain from a source they're familiar with you might be able to ease their uncertainty of how much the needle's going to hurt. So, if you say something along the lines of "pinch the skin on your arm until it starts to hurt. I assure you, this needle isn't going to hurt any more than that." they will have an idea of what's about to go down so they hopefully won't be as afraid of it.

 

I'm glad you get to be a positive experience in these children's lives. Even if only for a brief moment. At least they're being exposed to the idea that there's a world out there that has a least some nice people and it's not all like it is in their house everywhere all the time. The abusive mother you gave as an example is the best that child has available to her, as far as she knows. From the girls perspective it's either take what little bit of compassion she can get from her mother, or get none at all from anyone.

Carl,

 

Thanks for you practical advice. That's basically how I explain it to kids. I tell them everything thing I'm going to do, from going over the paper work to putting the "rubber band" on their arm, to "feeling around their arm for something soft and squishy," to "then I'm gonna put a small needle in there and get some blood. And the whole thing will take a minute and a half."

 

I've never had a child that I've explained the procedure to "freak out."

 

But parent's gotta let me do my thing. If the parent's are amping them up, telling them not to look, or bribing them with toys to prepare them for this "awful experience," then the parent's are just priming the kid for anxiety and fear. Calmly explaining everything that will happen and that, yeah, it's gonna be "uncomfortable, but quick," has always worked. I've drawn 6 year olds that take it like a champ as long as I talk to them before and during the procedure.

And yes Carl,

 

It is important to be a positive experience in a child's life. I had many such "bright lights" in an otherwise dark childhood. Those people let me know that even if goodness was rare, at least it was possible and worthwhile to search for it; cultivate it in myself.