Because I feel like it

[kathryn]

Is it ok to do something just because you want to without much logical reasoning behind that choice? It seems like there are social needs to explain behavior, and for some reason it is socially unacceptable to say, "Just because I feel like it."

 

For instance, I would like to move, but I don't really have a good reason that can be concisely summed up. I guess I don't entirely know why I want to move so much. It may be because I am sick of living in my home town so close to my family of origin. The place I want to move is fairly arbitrary too. It looks like an interesting city, and I have one friend there. I feel a little uncertain on whether these are good enough reasons to uproot my life and start over in a place I've never been. 

 

I'd be curious to hear thoughts on this topic. Is it just a social pressure I feel to justify my decisions to others? Or is there something inherently wrong with not knowing why we do things? 

[PatrickC]

For instance, I would like to move, but I don't really have a good reason that can be concisely summed up. I guess I don't entirely know why I want to move so much. It may be because I am sick of living in my home town so close to my family of origin.

 

The question I might pose this potentially aesthetic question would be, 'compared to what?'

 

But in all seriousness, I think this question is probably more than just aesthetics for you. But only you can confirm that of course.

[Wuzzums]

We all know why we do things. For instance you just gave me several reasons why you wanted to move: "It may be because I am sick of living in my home town so close to my family of origin. The place I want to move is fairly arbitrary too. It looks like an interesting city, and I have one friend there."

 

This also answers your last question. You might feel unease at explaining yourself to others because, using your words, they might deem your reasons not "good enough". I often find that whenever I try to explain myself it's not that I don't know why I'm doing it, it's that other people don't want to accept the reasons I give for doing it. 

 

I wanted to move to another place too, and like yourself I have similar reasons for it, yet my parents insisted that there must be something else I'm not telling them. They were so convinced of this I started to believe it myself, at which point I started to search my head for some ulterior that I wasn't aware of. Of course I found none, therefore I concluded that I had no valid (or logical) reason for wanting to move and I only wanted to move "because I feel like it".

[thebeardslastcall]

Malcolm Gladwell on the perils of introspection: https://youtu.be/964va3YwPms?t=22m33s (starts at 22 min 33 secs)

 

Translated, you may know what you want, but can't verbalize the reasoning in a satisfactory way and thus if limited by simply what you can verbally rationalize to others you will often make the wrong decision (about whether to stay or move in this case). If you are confident what you want to do is right, don't let your inability to explain it hold you back.

[Carl Green]

Feeling like it *is* a reason. Your desires alone are valid enough to do something. Just keep reason along for the ride to make sure it's remaining in your best interest.

[bitcoin]

I appreciate you bringing this up because this is a very interesting topic. Im interested to hear more of other people's thoughts around this.

 

We certainly get a lot of mixed messages from 'society' in regards to this. And oftentimes you may receive polar opposite suggestions within the same day..

 

My brief thoughts are that it largely depends on the level of self-knowledge and healthy behaviours a person has to begin with. I don't see the harm in a healthy person, rewarding and pleasing themselves with actions / situations that makes them feel good. Heck, getting a massage, would feel great, and there is certainly no harm in paying for one just to help relax and feel good if you can afford it. 

Personally, I love taking walks, and meditating (which probably isn't the greatest example because many people don't), but I think doing these things, because I feel like it rather than "because its healthy" is great. It even makes the activity much more rewarding, enjoyable and potentially allowing a person to reap benefits even further in some cases by decreasing stress. 

 

Something to point out as well, is humans are very receptive to information and process it unconsciously very quickly. Often times "bad feelings" about a person, lets say, may arise because of the eye contact, posture, tone, etc. which consciously you may not be so quick to pick up on. So, again, I think its important, especially if you are a healthy person, to trust and respect the part of you that has desires and  interests just for the sake of those desires and interests. 

 

Emotions can be very powerful, productive tools when used by healthy, 'self-knowledgable' individuals.

 

That being said, if you aren't a healthy person, doing things simply because you feel like it, can be extremely destructive. (Spanking, unhealthy eating, watching tv, etc.)

 

Great question though. I find it very interesting! 

[kathryn]

I appreciate you bringing this up because this is a very interesting topic. Im interested to hear more of other people's thoughts around this.

 

We certainly get a lot of mixed messages from 'society' in regards to this. And oftentimes you may receive polar opposite suggestions within the same day..

 

My brief thoughts are that it largely depends on the level of self-knowledge and healthy behaviours a person has to begin with. I don't see the harm in a healthy person, rewarding and pleasing themselves with actions / situations that makes them feel good. Heck, getting a massage, would feel great, and there is certainly no harm in paying for one just to help relax and feel good if you can afford it. 

Personally, I love taking walks, and meditating (which probably isn't the greatest example because many people don't), but I think doing these things, because I feel like it rather than "because its healthy" is great. It even makes the activity much more rewarding, enjoyable and potentially allowing a person to reap benefits even further in some cases by decreasing stress. 

 

Something to point out as well, is humans are very receptive to information and process it unconsciously very quickly. Often times "bad feelings" about a person, lets say, may arise because of the eye contact, posture, tone, etc. which consciously you may not be so quick to pick up on. So, again, I think its important, especially if you are a healthy person, to trust and respect the part of you that has desires and  interests just for the sake of those desires and interests. 

 

Emotions can be very powerful, productive tools when used by healthy, 'self-knowledgable' individuals.

 

That being said, if you aren't a healthy person, doing things simply because you feel like it, can be extremely destructive. (Spanking, unhealthy eating, watching tv, etc.)

 

Great question though. I find it very interesting! 

 

These are great points you are making here. The things that we feel like doing are very telling to our internal states, and that can be dangerous to some people. I've been thinking a lot about this and other times in my life I didn't want to say, "Because I feel like it."

 

For instance, when I was married I felt like taking naps all the time. My husband would want an explanation for the constant napping and not getting out of bed. This seems odd to me now because he knew I was in cripplingly depressed at the time, but I would come up with excuses like, "I didn't sleep well the night before," or "I want to rest up before we go out with friends later." Saying those things would get him to leave me alone. If I had said, "Because I feel like it," that may have prompted more questions about how unhappy I felt. I didn't want to be honest about the fact that I didn't admire the man I was married to, and that I wasn't sure I ever loved him. Talking about my true feelings felt dangerous because it threatened the entire relationship, one that I felt a strong insecure attachment to. 

 

Another example I can think of where it didn't feel safe to say voice my true feelings was in grade school when my mother found out I wasn't doing my homework. She demanded to know why, and I wasn't allowed to say, "Because I didn't feel like it." That explanation would have pointed to the huge problems at home or to the resentment I felt towards her and my teachers for telling me what to do all the time. It was easier for mom to say I was a "bad girl" rather than address the things that were really bothering me. 

 

"Because I feel like it" is an honest feelings statement... I think the fear of saying that is just as telling as the feeling itself. Does that make sense? What are your thoughts? 

Malcolm Gladwell on the perils of introspection: https://youtu.be/964va3YwPms?t=22m33s (starts at 22 min 33 secs)

 

Translated, you may know what you want, but can't verbalize the reasoning in a satisfactory way and thus if limited by simply what you can verbally rationalize to others you will often make the wrong decision (about whether to stay or move in this case). If you are confident what you want to do is right, don't let your inability to explain it hold you back.

 

Thanks for sharing this! I loved Blink, but it's been a while since I read it, so this was a very helpful refresher. I have a lot of trouble trusting my own instincts and intuition, and I constantly doubt my decisions... Something I'm working on in therapy, but maybe it's time to reread Blink. :-) 

 

We all know why we do things. For instance you just gave me several reasons why you wanted to move: "It may be because I am sick of living in my home town so close to my family of origin. The place I want to move is fairly arbitrary too. It looks like an interesting city, and I have one friend there."

 

This also answers your last question. You might feel unease at explaining yourself to others because, using your words, they might deem your reasons not "good enough". I often find that whenever I try to explain myself it's not that I don't know why I'm doing it, it's that other people don't want to accept the reasons I give for doing it. 

 

I wanted to move to another place too, and like yourself I have similar reasons for it, yet my parents insisted that there must be something else I'm not telling them. They were so convinced of this I started to believe it myself, at which point I started to search my head for some ulterior that I wasn't aware of. Of course I found none, therefore I concluded that I had no valid (or logical) reason for wanting to move and I only wanted to move "because I feel like it".

 

Yes, I am very tired of explaining myself to others as well. So often the people that want those tedious explanations are not worth even being friends with, so why do I feel the need to defend my choices to them? That's rhetorical, I suppose... I know it has to do with my anxious attachment pattern. 

 

What did you do? Did you end up moving? How do you feel about the decision now?

[Wuzzums]

Yes, I am very tired of explaining myself to others as well. So often the people that want those tedious explanations are not worth even being friends with, so why do I feel the need to defend my choices to them? That's rhetorical, I suppose... I know it has to do with my anxious attachment pattern. 

 

What did you do? Did you end up moving? How do you feel about the decision now?

 

I didn't move. I got a job in my hometown that I plan to keep for a year to prepare myself for the job I'll get when I'll finally move away.

 

Or at least that's what I tell myself.

 

It's funny though. I only have a couple of months to the job "deadline" yet I feel that it wouldn't be so horrible to stay another year. And I know that another year will turn into 2 years and so on. Then I'll think to myself I've invested way too much in this one career path I shouldn't throw it aside. Even though I'm fully aware of the sunk costs fallacy, I can't help but feel like it's a safe and wise route to take. Very odd.

[bitcoin]

Thanks for the response Kathryn. 

First of all, I am very sorry to hear you were in such a crippling and negative relationship. I can't imagine that would have been easy at all. It also makes sense in context, because essentially what you were doing was just taking care of yourself. You had no desire to tell this man how you were feeling and therefore resorted to a passive (-aggressive?) comment. I don't know if that is 'good or bad', particularly because I know almost nothing about the relationship / situation, but I will say that if you didn't feel safe to be honest, you were still in the 'relationship' it makes sense to me that this would be your response. It sounds like you desperately wanted and needed space. 

 

It sounds like you really only say this to create boundaries for yourself? In both examples, it sounds like your honesty was at least perceived by you, to result in a negative. I do also get the impression though, that in both cases, the comment is quite a bit passive aggressive. Is that even close to your experience?

 

""Because I feel like it" is an honest feelings statement... I think the fear of saying that is just as telling as the feeling itself. Does that make sense? What are your thoughts? "

 

"Because I feel like it" is not an honest feeling statement..... Particularly because of the examples you mention, I am pretty skeptical of what you are saying. First of all, its not a feeling, But its also not direct or honest. Your honest response to the first situation would have been to mention your fear of expressing your lack of motivation and excitement of the relationship. Honesty would have been to express what you just stated, not "because I feel like it". "Because I feel like it" is, as you say, a tool to avoid conflict and a stressful conversation. 

Similarly, in the second situation, honesty would have been to say "I feel very unmotivated to do the work. I don't enjoy school nor do I enjoy the work I am being forced to do. Furthermore, I feel resentful towards you, my teachers and everyone around me who continues to put everything else above my needs.".

In my eyes, that is honesty. Just like you said it here. This may be false, but I see honesty in relationships as very different from honesty in business. In relationships, honesty requires, openness, vulnerability and being candid. This kind of passive honesty that you seem to be portraying, is completely different. If anything, it is a much "lower level" of honesty, which I would then question what your standards of honesty in your relationships are...?

Would you feel satisfied if your partner was this honest with you?

[kathryn]

Thanks for the response Kathryn. 

First of all, I am very sorry to hear you were in such a crippling and negative relationship. I can't imagine that would have been easy at all. It also makes sense in context, because essentially what you were doing was just taking care of yourself. You had no desire to tell this man how you were feeling and therefore resorted to a passive (-aggressive?) comment. I don't know if that is 'good or bad', particularly because I know almost nothing about the relationship / situation, but I will say that if you didn't feel safe to be honest, you were still in the 'relationship' it makes sense to me that this would be your response. It sounds like you desperately wanted and needed space. 

 

It sounds like you really only say this to create boundaries for yourself? In both examples, it sounds like your honesty was at least perceived by you, to result in a negative. I do also get the impression though, that in both cases, the comment is quite a bit passive aggressive. Is that even close to your experience?

 

""Because I feel like it" is an honest feelings statement... I think the fear of saying that is just as telling as the feeling itself. Does that make sense? What are your thoughts? "

 

"Because I feel like it" is not an honest feeling statement..... Particularly because of the examples you mention, I am pretty skeptical of what you are saying. First of all, its not a feeling, But its also not direct or honest. Your honest response to the first situation would have been to mention your fear of expressing your lack of motivation and excitement of the relationship. Honesty would have been to express what you just stated, not "because I feel like it". "Because I feel like it" is, as you say, a tool to avoid conflict and a stressful conversation. 

 

Similarly, in the second situation, honesty would have been to say "I feel very unmotivated to do the work. I don't enjoy school nor do I enjoy the work I am being forced to do. Furthermore, I feel resentful towards you, my teachers and everyone around me who continues to put everything else above my needs.".

 

In my eyes, that is honesty. Just like you said it here. This may be false, but I see honesty in relationships as very different from honesty in business. In relationships, honesty requires, openness, vulnerability and being candid. This kind of passive honesty that you seem to be portraying, is completely different. If anything, it is a much "lower level" of honesty, which I would then question what your standards of honesty in your relationships are...?

Would you feel satisfied if your partner was this honest with you?

 

You are absolutely right. "Because I feel like it" is not any kind of precise feeling statement. What I was thinking when I wrote that statement was that in open and honest relationships people are allowed to say things like "Because I feel like it," and it can be the beginning of a discussion. Imagining if I said that, someone might be curious and ask me more questions and want to know what is really going on. I was thinking "Because I feel like it" points to the true feelings. However, I see now that it should be the beginning of the discussion with myself about how I'm truly feeling because often when I use avoidant language it is because I feel uncertain, and I am trying to defer until I have more time to think about it. (Which, of course, I could just say out right.) I also see that thinking in that way, of bringing up an ambiguous feeling and hoping someone else will inquire further and help me figure it out, is robbing myself of personal responsibility in the scenario. It's not a fair expectation for another person to do all the work. 

 

It might be possible to say "Because I feel like it" without being passive aggressive, but I agree with you that the statement would be very difficult to say without the passive aggressive connotation. The whole reason I started this thread was that I was frustrated by people not being satisfied with my reasons for moving. I told them I have a friend where I want to move, and I'm sick of my hometown, but these things were not "good enough." (Or that is how I was perceiving their reaction, which could have been off because I didn't ask for clarification.) So, post-hoc I feel irritated and tell myself, "I'm doing this because I feel like it! No one can tell me that's wrong!" That's treating myself dismissively and avoidantly (as I treated my ex-husband) because then I don't get to the truth of the situation, which is that I'm really not feeling confident about my decision. 

 

I really appreciate your feedback. I'm going to think on this quite a bit more. Complete honesty about how I'm feeling still feels rather foreign to me. So much that I frequently feel very unsure about what my true feelings are. I feel disconnected from my true self. I'm in therapy twice a week and journal about this everyday, but I'm not living up to the standards I want to set for myself and others. This feels frustrating and defeating, and I don't feel good enough to be around good people. 

 

EDIT: I think the feeling of not being good enough to be around good people is accurate and healthy for me right now. This is the reason I'm choosing not to date at the moment because I don't live up to those standards yet. It would be hypocritical of me to expect that of a boyfriend or husband when I am not there myself. 

[kathryn]

A friend of mine noted that what makes "Because I feel like it" passive aggressive is the "Because." When one goes into an activity with "I feel like doing this," the phrase is neutral. But when one wants to do something, and another person asks (or usually demands) you to explain yourself, responding with "Because I feel like it" sounds defensive. 

 

This is method is particularly apropos to controlling people. In the case that you feel like doing something the controlling person doesn't want you to do, they want you to give some kind of explanation that they can argue with and pick apart. With my mother, my not feeling like doing homework shifted the power. She was then trying to make me do something that I didn't want to do. 

 

I feel like in healthy relationships this kind of thing would never happen. There would be mutual respect and honest dialog. 

[Matthew Ed Moran]

"I'm in therapy twice a week and journal about this everyday, but I'm not living up to the standards I want to set for myself and others. This feels frustrating and defeating, and I don't feel good enough to be around good people."

 

If you are in therapy twice a week and journal everyday, in what way are you not living up to your standards?

[kathryn]

"I'm in therapy twice a week and journal about this everyday, but I'm not living up to the standards I want to set for myself and others. This feels frustrating and defeating, and I don't feel good enough to be around good people."

 

If you are in therapy twice a week and journal everyday, in what way are you not living up to your standards?

 

It's interesting... When I first read your statement here I thought it was accusatory. I thought you were saying, "What are you doing not living up to your standards when you are in therapy and journaling?" Like you were saying, "How dare you! You should know better!" As I look at your question again, I don't think that was your connotation, but my reaction to it was a good example of how I am not living up to my personal standards. I was projecting my own shame and negativity on a curious and neutral inquiry. Does that make sense? 

 

Thanks for the question. It's something I definitely want to think more about and get a clearer picture of so I can get a better sense of my goals and where I want to be. 

[Carl Green]

... I'm not living up to the standards I want to set for myself and others. This feels frustrating and defeating, and I don't feel good enough to be around good people. 

 

EDIT: I think the feeling of not being good enough to be around good people is accurate and healthy for me right now. This is the reason I'm choosing not to date at the moment because I don't live up to those standards yet. It would be hypocritical of me to expect that of a boyfriend or husband when I am not there myself. 

 

Just don't beat yourself up too much over it unless you're deliberately not living up to a standard you have for yourself. Just because you can listen to Chopin and enjoy it (see/agree to a good standard), doesn't mean you'll be able to play it until you've been practicing for a good long while.

[neeeel]

I also wonder if you are feeling bad about yourself, or sensitive, because of some of the things said to you about you and your values and standards, when you first came to the site?

[Matthew Ed Moran]

It's interesting... When I first read your statement here I thought it was accusatory. I thought you were saying, "What are you doing not living up to your standards when you are in therapy and journaling?" Like you were saying, "How dare you! You should know better!" As I look at your question again, I don't think that was your connotation, but my reaction to it was a good example of how I am not living up to my personal standards. I was projecting my own shame and negativity on a curious and neutral inquiry. Does that make sense? 

 

Thanks for the question. It's something I definitely want to think more about and get a clearer picture of so I can get a better sense of my goals and where I want to be. 

 

Thanks for sharing, Kathryn. That's interesting. Do you know my question was curious and neutral, though? I have been thinking about the question I asked you and your response for an hour now, and I am not sure it was a completely honest question.

 

I asked you, "if you are in therapy and journal every day, in what way are you not living up to your standards?"

 

I think it's interesting I phrased it that way. I phrased it as if I had trouble imagining how your standards could go beyond journaling and therapy. But why shouldn't your standards include more than that? Who am I to say what you are doing is sufficient for you to meet your personal standards? I didn't ask what your standards are (which would have been a more curious question), and before this exchange we have never spoken before. So I actually apologize for phrasing my questions as if to decide your standards for you. I also find this questionable on my part because I do not journal often and I don't go to therapy (I do some self work but not a lot), and I do not feel proud of the standards I currently live by. I feel I subtly hinted that your standards should not be as high as they are, or that they are not just, and I regret that because I have no place to suggest what standards you should hold yourself to. At worst, I felt like my inner-mom crept into my post to subtly undermine your ambition. I apologize for this and am going to reflect more before I post on the board in general so as to be as honest with myself and others as possible.

 

P.S. I do see how you could have read it that way. I do not think it is an honestly phrased question, so consider that before you conclude you were projecting. I think a more productive and honest thing to ask you would have been "how can you better achieve living by your standards?" I appreciate you sharing what you did because I am not sure I would have taken the opportunity to introspect about my question unless you responded in the honest fashion that you did.

[LovePrevails]

Ayn Rand said the worst and most embarrassing thing for a man to say is that he said or did something "just because he felt like it."