Tyne Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 In a recent podcast, Stefan mentioned briefly a study done on infants that suggested that children as young as 3 months old cold preform moral reasoning. I believe babies and toddlers do have a strong sense of right and wrong, and I know that my pre-verbal son has a comprehension that far outstrips his vocabulary. However, I don't quite get how to morally reason with my son. An example of a common problem I have might be bittimg me during breastfeeding, which is playful but painful. Or smacking my face when he gets exited (again, playful but painful.) I try signing "pain" when he does these things while telling him "ouch. That hurts mommy," but I don't think he gets it at all. Maybe this isn't a good example of what Stefan was talking about, or maybe my approach is all wrong. What do you all do in these situations? Does anyone know of this study that Stefan was talking about?
bitcoin Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 My understanding was that babies and toddlers can pick up on social cues, understand and experience aggression as aggression, etc. rather than anything about reasoning and explaining UPB to his gentle, loving young soul. : ) Also I can't image your son would be doing any hitting intentionally at all. I can't even imagine (and I have not read any science to confirm or disprove) that they have enough control over themselves to attack or hit someone. I've been around some children, and I certainly have found and perceived that behaviors as playful and as means to have fun, connect and enjoy contact with other people. I don't think that this issue really has anything to do with ethics. In any case, congrats on have a child, for being a peaceful parent, and even for being curious about this stuff rather than resorting to any kind of punishment ! You are awesome
regevdl Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 In your example of him smacking your face out of excitement, consider this: He is not doing it intentionally. At that age they are still trying to control their bodies, so be patient. If he is happy and excitement and flails his body and occassionally causes pain to you or others, I would refrain from turning it into a 'negative' moment. Meaning...ouch...that hurts (sad face) etc. I reserve that suggestion ONLY when it's an isolated situation as you described. during feeding, etc. If he were to be playing on the floor, gets excited, runs over to you and smacks you out of his 'excitement' then of course, address it immediately and use your tactics to allow him to understand what you are experiencing (pain, etc). . It sounds counter-intuitive, I am aware but here is where I am coming from. you mentioned he is 1 years old. His experience of that situation is...I"m happy/excited and that hurts mommy. He is probably unaware of what his hand did during his excitement because his body is still not in his full control lol . Now, with that said, that doesn'tmean the issue should be ignored. In the heat of the moment, I would suggest gently preventing his hand from getting near your face. It's hard to explain in words without visual examples but while he's feeding, keep his hands occupied by 'massaging his hands or giving firm but gentle compressions so he 'feels' his own body (this is a GREAT exercise to improve proprioreception). If he still gets excited and flails, just put your hand out...palm down towards him and put your head back away out of his reach. Share his excitment with him with smiles but at the same time, keep his hands out of your facial vacinity. deflect. You don't need to say anything....after some tries, he will get the point. After he has calmed down (and is finished feeding), is a good time to discuss body control. "when you get excited you accidently hit mommy. That hurts sometimes. I know it's not on purpose but please be careful'. And then show him what you do when you get excited. Example: When mommy gets excited I.... (and then actually do something...) make it silly and fun and in a way that you exert action in your body in a way that a kid could mimic without hurting himself or others. Example: fist pumps or hand clapping (great to help him with coordination!!) or make fists and squeal....whatever. The overall point that after the moment has passed he is calm and not feeding, gives him an opportunity to listen and learn some safe examples to express his excitement. this works on many levels, physical development and body control and mental/emotional development as kids LOVE learning knew things. It's like handing them gold when you give them 'adult' advice. Many above mentioned that kids love to mimic and when you simply outright explain 'mommy does this when excited'...even if it's not what you do, but showing him kid-friendly alternatives. Hope that makes sense. lol! good luck!
Tyne Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 Thank you. This is all fantastic advice! I will keep trying, and I'm sure he'll get it. Usually, when he's smacking me or someone in the face playfully, it's hard not to laugh, but we do want him to understand his own strength and that it can hurt others. I haven't tried making the redirection more fun than the initial hitting, but it makes total sense now that you guys mention it.
AnarcoB Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 I struggled with the little ones. I am not inherently patient and able to concede the time infants and toddlers require. I and mine survived however. Looking back, I can see through all of the frustrations and worrying about behaviors and developmental stages and appreciate that the kids will pull through. I never found a sure fire technique that worked in every situation but time and behaviors pass. How we behave in principle and the examples of behavior and tone we convey year to year seem to be what matters.
Tyne Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 AnarcoB, that makes sense. What you're saying coincides with the idea that you look to who is influencing your child's behavior if you feel there needs to be a change, not to the child and then beg for or demand higher standards than what they're being shown.
AnarcoB Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Tyne, Yes. I find it terribly hypocritical to be the most important role model for a child (parent) and then berate a child for their behavior. I definitely have weaknesses in my skill set, but to recognize this is the first step in preventing a negative experience for a kid. I think we all construct walls to defend ourselves (not a bad thing) but then those walls prevent us from critically looking at ourselves and this seems to apply to how we parent. The long view of knowing the kids minds will develop and that they will outgrow the stage they are in, helps. Retrospectively, it's encouraging once they have matured to be able to look back and be able to respect the choices made in the midst of frustrating situations. One test I have if I am upset with a behavior is to imagine the kid as having already become an adult and able to watch how I am interacting with them as a child. (Or myself watching when I am older) As far as your initial question, I think at this age kindness and lack of reinforcement of negative behaviors works. By "works", I mean these behaviors will pass. There will still lots of difficult situations. I don't know of any strategies that work every time and every scenario, and that is probably what you would like help with the most. Here is a link to a book I thought was helpful http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Responsible-Children/dp/0609806939 Its a great principled approach but needs to be adopted by both parents I think, to be effective.
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