How to deal with anger? I feel miserable.

[SgtSam]

Good morning everyone,

 

this is going to be a somewhat long post. 

 

I used to live with 3 roommates. Let's call them: Joe, Michael and Tony.

 

Joe has anger issue. He can not accept any criticism or feedback. You remind him that he left the light on in the bathroom, he takes it personal. He has a huge ego and thinks apologizing is for ''pussy''. 

 

Michael is the depressed guy. He is not the smartest and he is at the moment without a job.

 

Tony is a very nice guy. He is the one that always try to solve the situation. He is also the one who is getting f*** because he is too nice.

 

I lived with them 5 months before deciding to move. The main reason was that Joe was never paying his part of the services/rent on time. Joe was taking advantage of our kindness to try to screw us over. Michael and Tony are very apathetic, they are way too chill. They were paying his part and lending him money etc. 

 

It came to the point were they were cutting us the internet/electricity many times because of Joe. We both reached the point where we started to ignore each other because Joe was starting to threat me like his bit*h. I tried to talk to him, but he see kindness and virtue as a weakness. So I told Tony that I was going to move (20 days in advance). 

 

I have a lot of stuff in the house and moving is taking me some time because I am very busy. Now every-time I go there, this guy is trying to fuck with me. Trying to maliciously give me order. Telling me that I have to pay this or clean this. This is petty and I try to ignore him or just answer calmly. I try my best not to escalate the situation. But the fact that he is trying to ''Alpha'' me and f*ck with make me is making me extremely angry. I want to punch him in the face and make him bleed. Every time I go there I am scared to death, I am afraid that the whole thing just blow up. I know I have nothing to win if we fight. Anyway I finally moved all my stuff today but the situation is pissing me off. 

 

When I was a teenager, I used to always answer with violence. When I started to work on myself, I realize that this was stupid. However, the part of me that I am suppressing feel that the only way to get closure is to get into a fist fight. The rational part of my brain know that I should just move on and let him be miserable.  

But I can't move on. I still feel angry. I still feel violent inside. I feel miserable, I have no idea how to deal with this. 

 

 

 

[thebeardslastcall]

this is going to be a somewhat long post. 

 

Judging by the size of your post I can only presume you're fairly new to forums on the internet and FDR specifically.

 

First off if you're still doing it at all I'd stop giving Joe any feedback. Take the lesson. He's telling you he doesn't care and you're pretending telling him again will make him care. Only tell him things you're specifically willing to take action for and what those actions will be. Be straight and blunt with him and don't "nag" him about anything. Tell him once what you want him to know and never again, no reminders.

 

Does Joe threaten to attack you if you say "no" to him? Are you afraid to just say "no" to his requests/demands? What's stopping you from being completely straight with him? If he doesn't like "pussy" behavior then be upright and tell him "like a man" what you intend and don't intend to do and importantly be relaxed about it, don't escalate into violence if you can avoid it, as that can get ugly and dangerous very quickly.

 

If you're upset with him not meeting expectations then do exactly what you'd expect a moral person to do in your situation and don't say or suggesting you'll do any more than that and be willing to say that forthrightly, what you're willing and not willing to do. Calmly explain your position to him if that might help, without making any accusations tell him your perspective. And if you can say this without getting hit feel free to say "I'm scared too", because something tells me he's angry because he's scared that his life will be harder with one less person to blame (to evade personal responsibility) and take advantage of in the house.

 

Either way you're going to be out of the situation soon. Good job on deciding to get out of there. You'll be away from him soon and if the other two guys are wise they'll get the guy out of there life too and if not then it's their fault for not getting away from him. Especially after you show them how it's done. If they're the ones who own the place then they'd be smart to just kick him out and find a better roommate, which will be extra easy if he's not paying his share anyways. Or simply stop paying his share so the landlord kicks them out. If you have any parting words of wisdom give them and let them decide for themselves what they want to do with their lives. Some people you can help, some you can't, help yourself first and be a good example if you want to help others.

 

Good luck, you'll be out soon, so focus forward.

[SgtSam]

Thank you very much thebeardslastcall, your post was very insightful. 

[A4E]

I am wondering what Joe was doing that made him deserve to live there in the eyes of the other 2.

 

Having new people around will make you forget about those people. This should diffuse your built up anger, which will in turn lower the negative feeling you have.

[SgtSam]

I am wondering what Joe was doing that made him deserve to live there in the eyes of the other 2.

 

Having new people around will make you forget about those people. This should diffuse your built up anger, which will in turn lower the negative feeling you have.

 

Good morning. The problem was that the other 2 are incredibly apathetic and are afraid of confrontation. Anyway, I finally moved all my stuff. I went in the morning and there were no one. I still have to pay my part of the water bill (around 100$) but they haven't contacted me for that and I think they wont. Joe deleted me and blocked me from Facebook today and that is an excellent thing. I've cut all contact with them. 

[GailG]

Here is how I escaped the cycles of anger.  You have to walk THROUGH the anger.

 

About 30 years ago, I was frustrated by my anger.  Anger hurts.  It doesn't feel good.  I could never gain congtrol of it.  One day I wonderd what anger really is.  At that point I was a Xian, so I wondered if my emotions could be gifts from god that I was refusing examine.  Perhaps they are a gift that I'm not using properly (among other wondering).  So I decided to explore my anger to see what it is if I could.

 

I chose a time when I was alone in the house.  I fixed a cup of coffee, sat down, and proceeded to let my fury loose.  Something had been upsetting me so it was very easy to get anger.  Soon, I was as angry as I had ever been, but because this was an intellectual exercise, I didn't feel any of the pain that comes with anger.  At that moment, I realized that what is so painful about anger is our fear of it.

 

So I looked around in my mind (with the mind's eye)  to see if there was any more anger in there.  I found some hiding in a dark corner, and I invited myself to experience it.  Immediately, I heard a popping sound in my ears, and felt like a whole giant bathtub of invisible water just washed over me.  the anger was 100% gone.

 

But then, I remembered that I hadn't learned anything about my anger, which made me angry enough to do the exercise over again.  I repeated it.  At the point of the ears clicking and the inivisble water washing over me, I was laughing hysterically.

 

VIVID memories were wizzing through my mind.  These memories were of me as a  young child.  The first was me at age 4.5.  I had been wanting to read for at least a year but no one would teach me because I had to wait until I started school.  I thought I would trick them into teaching me.  I asked my father to write me name on a piece of paper, which he did.  I then went to the coffee table and started practicing over and over and over and over again.  After what seemed a long enough time back then (probably 5 minutes or less), I wrote my name on another piece of paper and showed it to him.  He looked and pointed out that the "a" was backwards.  I was devastated.  I started crying.  I felt so ashamed and embarrassed.  I hadn't been careful enough.  I was too stupid to teach myself to read.  As I watched that memory (from the outside), I wanted to tell her that she hadn't done anything wrong and she certainly wasn't stupid.  At that point I realized how perfect she was.  As a Chritian, I found this shocking.  I had never seen anyone's perfection before, and this perfection was mine.  Then another memory.  These were wizzing by so quicly I couldn't keep up as I tried to write notes about each memory.  Every single memory was a memory where I unfairly and harshly critized myself.

 

I didn't grow up in a physicallyt abusive home, so I didn't have to face memories that others might have to face as they realize that they are angry at themselves for judging themselves.

 

By the time the exercise was over and the last of the memories passed, I realized that I could no longer be angry at the someone I had been angry at.  I could see the perfection at the core of her being, because if it was in me, it was in her as well.  Now I see only perfection when I see others, even if they are making mistakes because of errors in their belief system.

 

whenever I start to get angry, before it can root itself in me, I go to my front porch, sit on the rocker, and remember what my perfection feels like.  It feels wonderful.

 

Those who live in anger are really beating themselves up with it.  I can't share your emotions.  You are alone with them.  You can choose to abuse yourself with them (masochism) or you can get rid of them.  The choice is yours.

 

Good luck