Quadrewple Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 It was difficult for me to find a good way to word my question. I know there is no objective answer, but I want to explore it and get some feedback. From as early as I can remember until age 9, I was frequently and viciously beaten by my dad, and also by my mom. I was mostly beaten by my dad at the request of my mom, who requested these beatings for my questioning her authority or disobeying her orders. My memory of my entire childhood is very fuzzy because I was forced to be on the constant lookout for anything I might say or do which would get me beaten, and also because I was severely neglected. As early as age 6 my parents would leave me home alone for a day, and when my mom (labeled schizophrenic) moved across the country to a group home at age 9, I lost the only of the two parents which paid any attention to me whatsoever. My dad stayed on his computer or in his room and ignored me and my younger siblings and I only have two clear memories of him which don't involve him beating me. One major problem I still face because of all the abuse is that my nervous system still constantly prepares me for being physically attacked. In other words, it's extremely difficult for me to relax and take a deep breath. I have been in a state of non-stop stress ever since I can remember, because almost any interaction with other people has the potential to trigger an emotional flashback to childhood. It has improved since going no contact with my father and my extended family (it has been just over 4 months at this point), but there are still days when the whole day I am stuck in a state of physical and emotional pain, combined with an inability to feel physical or emotional pleasure. When I put my preferences over the other person's - especially if it's someone I don't know well or trust my fear response is activated. I am equally as prone to be triggered by positive events as I am with negative ones. Someone being very nice to me often triggers my fear that I'm being tricked somehow into letting my guard down so I can be hurt even more. This is especially true with women, which makes sense given the fact that my mom was capable of being very nice to me when she wasn't threatening me, brainwashing me, or keeping me from developing my own identity. I struggle with flashbacks at my customer service job. I was never able to develop my own identity with my mom around because she treated me as an object which she could showcase to her friends. Because I was smart, because she was so good at teaching me language skills (homeschool), and because she was a narcissist, I was something for her to show off to her friends in the church and the only way for me to gain her affection was to play the smart, obedient little boy to gain her status with her "friends". I was never able to develop my own identity around my father because he simply didn't interact with us in the home. In high school I started to use my constant anxiety and verbal skills to make people laugh and started to become very popular for this. I had 2 of my 4 closest friends move away and for various other reasons, I was unable to continue to use this strategy, which was a type of personality structure in reaction to my trauma. My personality changed to something akin to a paranoid schizoid, which I couldn't truly shake until I moved out of my dad's house and to a different city. This drastic change in my personality happened sometime between the end of 10th grade and the beginning of 11th grade. I never consciously decided to make either of these changes to my personality - they happened unconsciously, and because of my lack of social support, not a single person reached out to see to try to understand why I went from loud, popular guy to eating lunch in the bathrooms guy who couldn't make eye contact over the course of a few months. I believe the only reason I survived this period of my life without killing myself or becoming a monstrous sadist was because I was able to suppress (in the short-term) my impulses, feelings, and do whatever the people I was hanging out with me wanted to do. I am unable and/or unwilling to go back to either of those personality types. My ability to exist and express myself unconsciously was taken away from me, because I was filled with rage and hate yet smart enough to realize the social consequences of me acting out my rage on others (other than my siblings which I unfortunately was abusive to when I was a child). For me to "be real" in front of other people would have gotten me ostracized by anyone other than someone else who had their humanity stolen from them. It feels like I can't be real now (except in therapy and with my one good friend), because the real me is full of rage, sadness, and fear. I have been in therapy for 5 years now and have made tons of progress, but it's very disheartening how much I struggle each and every day. To me this is the most sinister part of child abuse combined with severe neglect. You are filling the child with rage and hateful, murderous impulses - which gives them one of two options: Either act out the impulses and face the consequences from others and society as a whole (probably prison), or constantly suppress those impulses which is to create one's own prison and erase one's identity. It's extremely difficult to be outgoing without being either a people-pleaser or letting my rage surface. I work at a gas station and I have been leaning towards the people-pleaser side because at least I get some positive reactions from people, but I can no longer keep that up and it makes me miserable to act this way. I know how to be nice, and I can tell which people deserve to be treated nicely, but I hate doing it because when they are nice to me it triggers me that this person is trying to lull me into a false sense of security and will send someone to torture me (the way my mom did). When they are mean to me it triggers me and my brain sends the signals to my body and mind to prepare for torture. Also, when I am nice when I don't want to be, it feels like a continuation of my survival strategy in my childhood environment. It takes so much work for me to get through each and every day having to constantly suppress the emotional roller-coaster that my brain and body go through even during what other people consider mundane social interactions. My brain is constantly going a mile a minute and telling my body to go a mile a minute, but I realize that these are impulses which don't need to be acted on, and if are acted on only serve to tighten the chains of my past around my neck. I feel trapped. Maybe my weariness with people-pleasing means I am finally strong enough to live without the positive opinions of people who I don't really care about, but the fact that lots and lots of people now know who I am and the way I usually act (practically everyone in my relatively small town comes into my gas station) makes being the real me even more difficult. I've stopped hanging out with two people I was spending a lot of time with and have hung out with for several years with because I recognized I was constantly engaged in people-pleasing with them. I think I'm already taking good steps to solve my problems but I could use some advice from anyone else who has struggled with similar issues. Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting an unwinnable battle and it feels like I've been fighting for a lifetime. 3
Magnetic Synthesizer Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 That's some real negative stuff you had to deal with there. I must say I am impressed by your ability to prioritize and identify the differences at play from your point of reference. Great Text, I enjoyed reading it and quickly developped interest in your story. I think I have more questions than answers due to my shortcomings in what appears to be a complex subject. I don't want to impede help towards you. 1. How can your anxiety be useful to make people laugh? I use the opposite of anxiety when I do that. 2.in ''wasn't threatening me, brainwashing me, or keeping me from developing my own identity'' does 'wasn't' apply to every object of the enumaration (grammar question)? I do not share the same problems and history. But I would suggest the following: That rage will subside and give way to peace if you had enough of: Someone, or multiple individuals who where close to you physicaly (not across the internet) and would be on the same page opinion-wise, ones that could truthfully agree and confirm the reality. They may come from different views, but what I mean by ''same page opinion wise'' is the same side of the battle. I found that when you try to dig into yourself to find out the reasons that cause whatever symptom you can't explain, thinking at what you desire in reaction is a great way to find the answer. I found that what I desire most in reaction to the symptom is the ultimate(core) cure. All you have to do is find out what the cure cures you of, and thats how you can find the hidden cause.
Magnetic Synthesizer Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I think if you get better things in your life it would give you experiences which fall outside that paradigm thus cancelling it. I'm talking quality career and relationships. If people are not singificantly outside of that paradigm, the paradigm cna still survive on ''they are just deceiving me''. So neutral people is not enough, you need to find quality and it needs to be the rule of your environement not the exception. I think it would greatly help to subside the remnants of that trauma. The world of coercion of self and identity by torture is unexplored to me, it looks very bad. 1
A4E Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Sounds horrible. I really feel with you. Before in my life my brain obsessively wanted to make sure where everyone was at every second. I think this was due to bullying at school up until late teens. Turning the other cheek did not seem to work...Many years later one day I was exposed to something that had the effect of shutting down most of my thinking, and I also coincidentally went to the general store where the obsessive thoughts would initiate, and this time the thoughts were gone, I did not need to know where everyone was, which was a very weird experience for me at the time. Just that one day realization made my brain understand that it did not have to know where everyone was all the time, and all subsequent trips to the store was more and more relaxing, and now a breeze. So from just that one day, my brain seemed to rearrange itself, so that now my brain is a lot more relaxed.Maybe you can try to occupy your brain with something else while working, like listening to low volume music (so that you can hear the customers), or play a simple game while talking to them. Or watch a movie. You can notify your boss that you are struggling with something and want to experiment with different things one day. Just my amateur advice.
Magnetic Synthesizer Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 A4E, what was that something you were exposed to?
Kurtis Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I'm very sorry for what you experienced as a child. I have very similar parental figures, although it sounds like mine were not as extreme. However, I did experience the fear (of death) at the hands of my stepfather and my mother used me as a source of happiness, in a way that was very damaging to my sense of self. You mention your struggles with rage. Do you have anger also, or can you differentiate the two in what you feel? There are threads here in the self knowledge forum that discuss the benefits of anger, that may be of interest to you. In my understanding, anger is healthy in that it helps keep you safe. Whereas, rage is not as specific, or directed, and can be a very destructive force in your life. https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/44123-is-anger-really-healthy-for-you/ What kind of therapy are you in? Have you tried a therapist trained in somatic experiencing? It has been extremely helpful for me. Especially concerning my fear and anger. http://www.traumahealing.org/about-se.php You said it's been 4 months since cutting your father out of your life. How was that process for you? What is the status of your mother and her involvement, or not, in your life? Is the small town you live in the same one you grew up in, the same as where your family still resides? I know very well the struggles you describe with your nervous system constantly being in a state of fight or flight (sympathetic). It has taken me quite some time to process my traumas and be able to exist in the peaceful 'rest and digest' state (parasympathetic). This will be a key component to your healing, the ability to have your subconscious know that you are now safe. This will involve processing the trauma inflicted by your father. And you've made a huge step in that direction by removing his access to you. The work to deal with the damage caused by your mother is a separate task, and again in my experience, will be easier to achieve once you are no longer living in a fear state. This work will be crucial in order for you to be able to have a healthy relationship with a female. I have some more thoughts but will await your answers to my questions above, and if you have any questions for me, please ask away. What you are doing takes great courage, so take the time to thank yourself for how much you've already done to get to this point today. Finding your self worth and love will be extremely important in this process. 2
Quadrewple Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 I appreciate all the responses! You mention your struggles with rage. Do you have anger also, or can you differentiate the two in what you feel? There are threads here in the self knowledge forum that discuss the benefits of anger, that may be of interest to you. In my understanding, anger is healthy in that it helps keep you safe. Whereas, rage is not as specific, or directed, and can be a very destructive force in your life.https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/44123-is-anger-really-healthy-for-you/What kind of therapy are you in? Have you tried a therapist trained in somatic experiencing? It has been extremely helpful for me. Especially concerning my fear and anger.http://www.traumahealing.org/about-se.phpYou said it's been 4 months since cutting your father out of your life. How was that process for you? What is the status of your mother and her involvement, or not, in your life? Is the small town you live in the same one you grew up in, the same as where your family still resides?I know very well the struggles you describe with your nervous system constantly being in a state of fight or flight (sympathetic). It has taken me quite some time to process my traumas and be able to exist in the peaceful 'rest and digest' state (parasympathetic).This will be a key component to your healing, the ability to have your subconscious know that you are now safe. This will involve processing the trauma inflicted by your father. And you've made a huge step in that direction by removing his access to you.The work to deal with the damage caused by your mother is a separate task, and again in my experience, will be easier to achieve once you are no longer living in a fear state. This work will be crucial in order for you to be able to have a healthy relationship with a female.I have some more thoughts but will await your answers to my questions above, and if you have any questions for me, please ask away.What you are doing takes great courage, so take the time to thank yourself for how much you've already done to get to this point today. Finding your self worth and love will be extremely important in this process. Kurtis - the first two months of me going no-contact with my dad were hell. Basically every waking moment I was consumed by rage - this combined with the physical and mental exhaustion of my job (busy gas station), my long bike rides to get me to and from work, and the lack of quality sleep due to muscle spasms and night terrors led to many many days which I considered suicide. After this experience, which my therapist referred to as a type of purging, I understand why it took me 4 years of therapy to be ready to go no-contact. At a certain point I came to a crossroad - either I had to act out my rage on someone (it would have been my father) or I had to find a way to let go of it. I still believe death would not be an unjust punishment for what he put me through (not just what he did to me, but the person he turned me into), but if I had chosen to kill him, I would've also killed myself to avoid prison. Then I thought about how terrible the aftermath of all that would've been for my brother and sister and that was a stronger motivator than anything positive to look forward to in my own future. Though I do have a lot of hope now, the way I feel now may as well have been an eternity after back then. Back then I was more or less operating on faith - faith that things really would get better, faith that I would eventually go from dozens of flashbacks a day to recently having two or three days in a row without flashbacks, faith that the onslaught of negative thoughts and feelings were a result of breaking contact with the person I hate the most and finally feeling a lifetime's worth of backed up pain - not a permanent part of my existence. My mother lives in a group home somewhere in Alabama (I'm in California) and I do not remember the last time I spoke with her - probably about 5 years ago and she is so heavily medicated and out of touch with reality as it is, I don't know how useful it would be to talk to her, though more recently I have been thinking about telling her how horrible she made my childhood by everything she did while she was here and by abandoning me and my siblings. I still live in the same small town I grew up in. I have been slowly chipping away at repairing relations between me and my brother and thankfully they are at an all-time good. I don't have contact with my sister - it may take a long time for us to have the type of relationship me and my brother have now (which is still awkward), for lots of reasons, including that I treated her very badly when she was young. I don't plan on having any contact with my extended family, as not one of them stepped in to help me process my mom abandoning us, and I never really felt a connection to any of them so much as I felt the obligation to feel a connection to them. I didn't get one word of sympathy or one hug - with the exception of my mother's mother who kept reiterating how much my mom loved me, how she wasn't responsible for her craziness, and who successfully made me feel guilty for not keeping in touch with my mother even though SHE is the one who abandoned ME. I go to a CBT therapist currently. I hadn't heard of SE therapy, but I have had some recent success in trembling and relieving physical tension while meditating - Elliot Hulse's videos have been immensely helpful in the bodywork side of things. Are there any specific things you can tell me about your experiences in SE therapy?
Quadrewple Posted August 29, 2015 Author Posted August 29, 2015 Many years later one day I was exposed to something that had the effect of shutting down most of my thinking, and I also coincidentally went to the general store where the obsessive thoughts would initiate, and this time the thoughts were gone, I did not need to know where everyone was, which was a very weird experience for me at the time. Just that one day realization made my brain understand that it did not have to know where everyone was all the time, and all subsequent trips to the store was more and more relaxing, and now a breeze. So from just that one day, my brain seemed to rearrange itself, so that now my brain is a lot more relaxed. What were you exposed to that shut down your thinking? I have had some success with marijuana in helping with the body pain which in turn helps with the hypervigilance and not feeling the need to know where everyone else is, but I want to try and fix the problem at its root - not simply manage its effects which is easier said than done for me.
cherapple Posted August 29, 2015 Posted August 29, 2015 Much courage for sharing your experience. Can you leave the town you grew up in? Give yourself as many messages as you can that things are different now and that you have more personal power to help yourself and choose more options. Do the opposite of what you did and had to do as a child. Experiment with as many new actions and choices as possible, if only to let yourself know that experimentation is safe now. Failure is safe now. Success is safe now. Just do things, lots of different things, and pay attention to what happens. Sometimes the results will be painful, and other times they will be joyful. Either way, the feelings now belong to you. Just do, and above all notice. Journaling A LOT and becoming "an idea machine" (more recently) have been helpful for me: http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2014/05/the-ultimate-guide-for-becoming-an-idea-machine/ Flex all the muscles you were punished for flexing as a child. (Breathing deeply is still a challenge for me, too.) Cheryl 4
Kurtis Posted August 30, 2015 Posted August 30, 2015 Thank you Quadrewple for your candor. Especially the aspects about your anger towards your father. Those thoughts of murder are something I've experienced and had dreams of towards my step father. That can be a very difficult thing to talk about, but given the violence that you were subjected to, it is very understandable. And yet, as you realized, now that you are out of harms way violence is not the answer to violence. In my experience this desire came directly from my unprocessed trauma. Because my mind/body still was in the fight or flight response, violence seemed like a very possible solution. Once I processed those traumas I no longer felt that way. I no longer see my step father as a threat, I only see a scared little child in an old man's body. (Who I still maintain the separation with) I understand what you describe about your extended family and their inaction in your childhood. Something that came out of my therapy that was very useful was the concept of being my own "competent caretaker". I also did not have any adults in my life who protected me, but now I have found my own way to providing myself what I missed out on as a child. That self love has been very instrumental in my healing journey. I think the advice that Cheryl gave above is very good. That idea of discovering and showing your self that you are now safe, will be very helpful to diminishing your struggles in your body. The main benefits I've had from somatic therapy were in dealing with the anxiety and fear that would manifest physically in my body, as a result of my parents. Early on in my process, the mere thought of receiving a text or email from my parents would create severe tightness and discomfort in my chest and sometimes stomach. My therapist would guide and teach me techniques to recover my nervous system from this state back to the "rest and digest" peaceful state. These physical techniques have also had very direct benefits to my mental health. The process of discovering the power of the body to regulate the mind, and vice versa, has been very empowering. I had learned from my parents that I shouldn't trust my instincts, but this work in somatic experiencing has shown me that my body knew the truth all along, and that my 'gut feeling' is something I can trust completely; that my body is my best ally in my path to greater happiness. I want to also tell you that freedom from all of these struggles is very possible, and to practice forgiveness and love for yourself. Keep up the good work!
A4E Posted August 30, 2015 Posted August 30, 2015 What were you exposed to that shut down your thinking? I have had some success with marijuana in helping with the body pain which in turn helps with the hypervigilance and not feeling the need to know where everyone else is, but I want to try and fix the problem at its root - not simply manage its effects which is easier said than done for me. Wow, you have the same feeling? Hyper vigilance is a very accurate description indeed. It is so consuming! And takes away a lot of enjoyment of being alive. I was hoping that no one would start asking what I was exposed to, and here are the reasons why I did not want to reveal it: -I absolutely hated not thinking. I felt like a walking sack of water able to respond to simple inquiries. I love to think about anything, so I did not touch it after that day, but I know one guy personally who don't want to think at all. -It could possibly ruin people's life and potential, and I don't want to be that catalyst. I might even get banned here. -Perhaps there are much better ways to achieve the same effect it had on me. -There are probably other ways to get rid of the hyper vigilance. -I don't want to promote it.
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