What to do after a relationship ends

[Mothra]

I finally ended my two year relationship that I had been ambivalent about for going on a year now. I feel a mixture of emotions... relief, sadness, regret (that it took so long to get in touch with how I really felt), fear... about now being alone, with no one to come home to at the end of the day and talk to and hug. Fear that no one will understand me as well as he did. Also financial fear now that I have to pay the full share of rent and bills. Guilt, for hurting him.

 

I've cycled through sadness, panic (that I had made a huge mistake and wanted to take it all back), and acceptance. Now I am oddly at some sort of peace. For now anyway.

 

Any thoughts on moving on with one's life and how to even begin to process everything would be greatly appreciated. Part of me wants to just move on and stop thinking about it. I've expended way too much mental and emotional energy on it already. But part of me thinks I need some sort of relationship autopsy. I just worry about getting sucked into it too much.

[things make sense]

Maybe overthinking it is not a good idea. It seems like you listed only 1 positive emotion (relief) and 3 negative ones (sadness, regret, and fear). Don't focus so much on the negative emotions and look forward is my suggestion.

[shirgall]

A good time to review Real Time Relationships

 

[A4E]

If you find yourself wandering into the past, you can:

 

-Focus on the reasons why it ended / had to end.

-Imagine how miserable your life could have become had it not ended.

-Realize how many good virtuous people he would have kept you from meeting.

 

If you still feel guilty, then you can remember that:

 

-Relationships are voluntary.

-Bad people absolutely need to see consequences for their actions.

-Peaceful / good people have no obligation to hang around or try to fix bad people.

-By staying with bad people you are indirectly accepting their bad behavior.

 

When you find the 1, it will be crystal clear how the others were 0s.

[Kurtis]

You mentioned fear, and fear of being alone. While I think partly that is normal for us social beings, I wonder if you have a childhood past that could be triggered by this loss?

 

I could be wrong, and it may just be that your description of your ambivalence and then fear resonated very well with experiences I've had in the past. Either way, this time after a breakup is an excellent opportunity for you to explore yourself and possibly gain new insights and growth.

 

You express a desire to move on, I think this may be best achieved if you can understand what brought you to this point. This may be the start of a difficult but rewarding journey.

[Mothra]

You mentioned fear, and fear of being alone. While I think partly that is normal for us social beings, I wonder if you have a childhood past that could be triggered by this loss?

 

I could be wrong, and it may just be that your description of your ambivalence and then fear resonated very well with experiences I've had in the past. Either way, this time after a breakup is an excellent opportunity for you to explore yourself and possibly gain new insights and growth.

 

You express a desire to move on, I think this may be best achieved if you can understand what brought you to this point. This may be the start of a difficult but rewarding journey.

 

Yeah, that makes sense. I had never truly connected with anyone until I was about 19 (I'm 33 now). I had friendships but they were fairly superficial. Definitely not close with either of my parents, though they weren't abusive. At least for me, once I finally found someone I could be close with, I dove right in. All of those relationships faded or fell apart over time. I've never really been able to hold on to any of them. So this is just another case of letting one of those go.

Of course, I could only get SO close to him. That was one of the big problems. But just having someone I could be partially close to felt pretty good. Better than nobody. That's what I told myself anyway. But it turned out not to be true. It was torture not being able to get that full closeness and intimacy.

[TheSchoolofAthens]

Yeah, that makes sense. I had never truly connected with anyone until I was about 19 (I'm 33 now). I had friendships but they were fairly superficial. Definitely not close with either of my parents, though they weren't abusive. At least for me, once I finally found someone I could be close with, I dove right in. All of those relationships faded or fell apart over time. I've never really been able to hold on to any of them. So this is just another case of letting one of those go.

Of course, I could only get SO close to him. That was one of the big problems. But just having someone I could be partially close to felt pretty good. Better than nobody. That's what I told myself anyway. But it turned out not to be true. It was torture not being able to get that full closeness and intimacy.

 

Hey Mothra,

 

I am in the same boat. I am younger, 20, but I just got out of a two year relationship and I totally understand where you are coming from. I didn't get out sooner, even though there were plenty of signs along the way that  said it wouldn't be best for me. I ignored the signs, and I feel so odd now for not breaking up sooner. Just remember, anyone can give you a good cuddle, anyone can talk to you. But it takes a very virtuous person to have those cuddles and conversations matter. 

 

I have been doing okay with my recent break up, just a few days ago, because I have been focusing on the good reasons that I broke up. Yes I have cried here and there and it has been sad, but it was the right decision to make and I know that I now have the maturity to avoid such a relationship in the future. I have more integrity now - now I have to stay principled and not make exceptions in the name of "yeah she is pretty awesome except for x, y, and z".

 

I know that you can find happiness after this relationship. In order to help you get to that point, and avoid unhappy relationships in the future, if I may ask, why did the two of you break up?

[Mothra]

Hey Mothra,

 

I am in the same boat. I am younger, 20, but I just got out of a two year relationship and I totally understand where you are coming from. I didn't get out sooner, even though there were plenty of signs along the way that  said it wouldn't be best for me. I ignored the signs, and I feel so odd now for not breaking up sooner. Just remember, anyone can give you a good cuddle, anyone can talk to you. But it takes a very virtuous person to have those cuddles and conversations matter. 

 

I have been doing okay with my recent break up, just a few days ago, because I have been focusing on the good reasons that I broke up. Yes I have cried here and there and it has been sad, but it was the right decision to make and I know that I now have the maturity to avoid such a relationship in the future. I have more integrity now - now I have to stay principled and not make exceptions in the name of "yeah she is pretty awesome except for x, y, and z".

 

I know that you can find happiness after this relationship. In order to help you get to that point, and avoid unhappy relationships in the future, if I may ask, why did the two of you break up?

 

Sorry to hear you're going through the same thing, but I guess we will learn a lot from our mistakes. I'm trying to do the same thing and focus on the positive. Mostly, I am excited at all the freed up mental energy I have now and am putting towards learning more about the things I am interested in.

 

There was not one reason in particular why we broke up. It was lots of little things that just kept piling up. If I look closer at it, all of the little things were probably indicative of a large thing, mainly that he was just too damaged to give me the kind of intimacy that I craved. He had a serious video game addiction, and used it as a coping mechanism for stress. He also had an extremely low tolerance for stress. He was fine with just being in my presence, without actually interacting or talking about anything meaningful. Sex was only naughty, he could never have loving or playful or any other kind of sex. He wouldn't look me in the eye. He wouldn't pick up after himself. He was unmotivated. He was more apt to spend time being passively entertained than to explore things he was curious about. Come to think about it, there didn't seem to be much he was passionately curious about that I didn't bring up initially.

 

But man, did he have a glorious hairy chest to nestle in!

 

I'm with you on wondering why you didn't break up sooner. I have been thinking a lot about that myself lately. There's probably some self esteem stuff going on there. Maybe I thought that nobody better would like me. Maybe I thought that I would never find anyone else that I liked as much.

[TheSchoolofAthens]

Well, Mothra (is your name Martha? You punny woman!) I have a post you can check out about the very topic of my break up right here.

 

I am very sorry that he would do those things. There are some strategy video games that I'd like to get back into, but he wasn't moderating himself in a healthy way. He was basically using video games in the same way some people use drugs. Video games were his drug. It was his avoidance mechanism - he would stunt his growth through it. Just as my ex would do so with drugs. And we both stunted our own growth by having such poor and low standards.

I can't stand not making eye contact with someone who I am supposed to be close to, as it reveals that we really aren't close after all. Eye contact is very important in a relationship. My ex also had a problem with that. We could make eye contact every now and then, but it wasn't deep, it didn't last long, it wasn't very passionate or romantic. She did go to therapy and her therapist pointed out that she hadn't made eye contact with her (the therapist) the entire session. I think she improved upon it but she has so much improvement to do. That is for her to figure out now and hopefully she will see a therapist - it's not my concern anymore. Your ex should see one as well. He is clearly avoiding responsibility for his own life by hiding and escaping in video games.

I am going to see a therapist soon to talk about my relationship, but really it is to talk about WHY I was in that relationship. My childhood experiences is the obvious place to look. I plan on growing a lot and I know you can too if you take the proper steps by going through a similar process, I'd recommend therapy.

We will never grow if we choose to make the wrong decisions. They might be easier and more comfortable to make, but learning about ourselves, building our self esteem, and talking to professionals is the best way to escape bad histories and create beautiful futures.

[Mothra]

Well, Mothra (is your name Martha? You punny woman!) I have a post you can check out about the very topic of my break up right here.

 

I am very sorry that he would do those things. There are some strategy video games that I'd like to get back into, but he wasn't moderating himself in a healthy way. He was basically using video games in the same way some people use drugs. Video games were his drug. It was his avoidance mechanism - he would stunt his growth through it. Just as my ex would do so with drugs. And we both stunted our own growth by having such poor and low standards.

 

I can't stand not making eye contact with someone who I am supposed to be close to, as it reveals that we really aren't close after all. Eye contact is very important in a relationship. My ex also had a problem with that. We could make eye contact every now and then, but it wasn't deep, it didn't last long, it wasn't very passionate or romantic. She did go to therapy and her therapist pointed out that she hadn't made eye contact with her (the therapist) the entire session. I think she improved upon it but she has so much improvement to do. That is for her to figure out now and hopefully she will see a therapist - it's not my concern anymore. Your ex should see one as well. He is clearly avoiding responsibility for his own life by hiding and escaping in video games.

 

I am going to see a therapist soon to talk about my relationship, but really it is to talk about WHY I was in that relationship. My childhood experiences is the obvious place to look. I plan on growing a lot and I know you can too if you take the proper steps by going through a similar process, I'd recommend therapy.

 

We will never grow if we choose to make the wrong decisions. They might be easier and more comfortable to make, but learning about ourselves, building our self esteem, and talking to professionals is the best way to escape bad histories and create beautiful futures.

 

Just got through reading your post and it sounds lot like my situation! My boyfriend was also an atheist, ancap, and into peaceful parenting. It's so hard to give that up because it's so rare and you find yourself trying to justify negative traits because of it.

 

I'd like to go to therapy too, but in light of increased expenses since I am now paying the entire rent/bills on my own, I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford it. We went to couples therapy for about 3 months earlier this year, but it didn't really help at all. The boyfriend was even more resistant to opening up to him as he was with me, and the therapist just trotted out tired old stereotypes of "women are this, and men are that." It's so hard to find a good therapist. I just ordered a couple of books to get started... Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child and Nathaniel Branden's The Psychology of Romantic Love. There are some online therapists that have been recommended, and I may look into those too.

[TheSchoolofAthens]

Just got through reading your post and it sounds lot like my situation! My boyfriend was also an atheist, ancap, and into peaceful parenting. It's so hard to give that up because it's so rare and you find yourself trying to justify negative traits because of it.

 

I'd like to go to therapy too, but in light of increased expenses since I am now paying the entire rent/bills on my own, I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford it. We went to couples therapy for about 3 months earlier this year, but it didn't really help at all. The boyfriend was even more resistant to opening up to him as he was with me, and the therapist just trotted out tired old stereotypes of "women are this, and men are that." It's so hard to find a good therapist. I just ordered a couple of books to get started... Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child and Nathaniel Branden's The Psychology of Romantic Love. There are some online therapists that have been recommended, and I may look into those too.

 

Yes, it is hard to afford especially given your current circumstances. I am moving out soon, well trying to! It is a bit difficult to find a place to stay in my area given my young age and lack of credit/lease history that comes with it. Online therapy could work good!

 

I haven't started my therapy yet either, but I know - there are too many therapists that are unhelpful and have piss poor philosophies, but there are good ones. They just take some digging. It is good that you have hear of some possible online therapists, please update us here if you choose someone!

 

I've read some of Branden's book, but I need to finish it! Such a great book from what I've read so far! Great choice, I will have to look into Alice Miller.