Should I date this woman?

[Alex Bell]

Recently I've started to become romantically interested in a girl I met at work, we've known each other for a few months now.  At first I didn't pay much attention to her other than to recognize she was a reasonably attractive female in my age group, over the past few weeks, I've started to like and respect her more.

 

A week ago I found out things have come to a head between her and her parents, and she's decided to move out of their house - 3 days before going back to college.  I was a bit taken aback at first but intrigued.  I just happened to have gotten half-moved in to my new apartment but wasn't living there yet, so I told her I might have a place for her to stay if I thought she was doing the right thing.

 

She told me her story, there's been physical and emotional abuse in her family, a lot of what she was telling me resonated with my experience.  It took me back to when I was kicked out, and remembering how I had almost no one to turn to, I decided to help her out.  Over the course of the next couple of days, I hung out with her, learned more about her.  This is when my attitude toward her shifted from light interest to the beginnings of infatuation as my heart became involved.

 

It's been a long time since my last relationship, which didn't end well, and I'm sensitive to starting a new one, but also coming to appreciate the emotional aspects of life and the fact that I haven't felt this way about someone in a long time.  I don't want to just let the feeling die, but make a decision  to pursue a relationship or not and stick to it.

 

So I need your help:  I don't have many people in my life I trust to give me feedback on this kind of thing so I'd like to know what you guys think.  I see virtue/value in her as well as things I think are red flags.

 

Things I like about her: she's attractive, thoughtful, hard working, courageous, proactive, wants to be a good parent, likes teaching people, we have similar histories we can connect over.

 

Things I don't like about her: she can be impulsive to the point of recklessness, drinks and consumes cannabis regularly, I think she's made bad relationship choices in the past (still investigating), is potentially narcissistic (she can talk a lot at times, but does ask about my thoughts), and she goes to college 2 hours away (not her fault, but makes things more difficult).

 

Any advice you can give as far as how to decide, ways to think about this is appreciated.  My heart says yes but I don't trust it yet.  My head says no but I have trouble trusting it too.

 

[WasatchMan]

Its really hard to say, but the negatives don't sound good.  If you think she is potentially narcissistic I would try try to flesh that out.  Be honest about things she does that annoys/troubles you and see if she 1) tries to understand where you are coming from and then actually works on fixing it or 2) tries to minimize your experience, escalate and try to leverage any power position she has on you, and then doesn't change.  A narcissist (in my experience) will almost always resort to number 2 when confronted with someone elses experience that inconveniences/aggravates.

 

One thing I can tell you is that if you are thinking about dating her, she can't be your roommate.  Don't know if I read this wrong, but you can't offer her a place to live with you. That is asking for trouble, especially with both your histories.

[stMarkus]

That's very honest of you for stating the things you don't like about her. It's still not much to go on but I'll give you my take on it.

 

I have been in a similar situation of liking a woman, having doubts, asking people about the situation, even talking to Stef about that woman specifically. Even though Stef told me what I now realize is the truth, I still kept pursuing the relationship. My head also kind of wanted to say no but the emotional drive was too strong.

 

I`m not saying it`s the same in your case but for me, my heart was deluding me and my head was trying to save me from a catastrophe.

 

What helped me realize the truth was me opening up to her and actually expressing my emotions, being vulnerable with her, speaking honestly about my feelings and hers etc. My honest emotional openness and vulnerability weren't really reciprocated since she just wasn't capable of them. So I gradually started drifting towards the truth and once the idealization was gone, I saw her for what she actually was and I didn't fancy her anymore.

 

So if you feel she is the best woman in the world, express it with all your heart! If you feel you can be honest with her and talk to her about anything, do it and be thankful that you have that kind of a person! You can tell by the subtleties of her reactions whether you’re deluding yourself or if you`ve actually struck gold.

 

What pulled me in initially was this kind of unconscious manipulation with trauma that we both seemed to share at some level. It will feel like love if the trauma is unprocessed and she will be fucking good at this manipulation since she has done it all her life. It's like a role play, only it's unconscious and will actually feel real. Since you both share and haven`t grown out of the same type of trauma, she (or you) will use this to assume a role that will trigger the love reaction in the partner so that they will do anything for you. This is because if you`re stuck in a trauma, you still believe the fake love and fantasies of redemption that the abuser sold you in order to tame you. Hence if someone uses these dogmatic beliefs of yours and by assuming an appropriate role, tangles these fake ideas in front of you like they were real, it will turn you into a hypnotized little monkey.

 

I feel in these kinds of relationships, one of the two has to be a more dominant side. In my case, it was her generally. But still the manipulation has to come from both sides.

 

Sorry if this sounds sinister but if a relationship is not based on sincere love and connection, it really is. After I eventually analyzed our little infatuated role plays that we did, the amount of manipulation and an effort to realize really fucked up fantasies of what a relationship should be like, that were revealed, made me really glad that I got the fuck out of that situation before anything serious happened.

 

To see this initially, I had to have ended my relationship with my mother as well, who is mostly the source of my traumas. It seems you have done this, so good for you.

 

You both have certainly had significant traumas and she hasn't obviously processed hers. Have you? Now in your case there seems to be another complication with you being a source of resources for her that she apparently desperately needs. I don't have experience with this type of a situation but what I said still applies. Good luck!

[asreon]

This topic somewhat reminds me of a friendship I had gotten myself into and out of a few days before.

Things I like about her: she's attractive, thoughtful, hard working, courageous, proactive, wants to be a good parent, likes teaching people, we have similar histories we can connect over.

 

Things I don't like about her: she can be impulsive to the point of recklessness, drinks and consumes cannabis regularly, I think she's made bad relationship choices in the past (still investigating),

Her positive points do seem like she would make a wonderful girlfriend/wife, but what I would personally worry about the most would be the point of "drinking and consuming cannabis regularly" and the part where you said she "wants" to be a good parent. If she is indeed a regular consumer of the drug, can you be 100% certain the children won't become cannabis addicts as well (since children tend to copy their parents)? 

Another thing is what you said about her impulsiveness. These can lead to large mistakes being made at critical points and could make you greatly unhappy and regretting your decision. The less impulsiveness there is in a relationship the better. What if one night she said she wanted a child due to her impulsive decision and then afterwards the two of you are unable to carry the responsibility?

It's good to have someone whom you are able to connect to on a personal level, but it's probably best if you tread carefully. Many people tend to put on a "show" when they are looking for another partner, so you have to make sure you know who she is and what her real intentions are before getting on board with forming a relationship with her.
However, regarding the matter of letting her live with you, it will most likely end up with trouble. It would probably be best to help her find somewhere else to live. I know it might seem harsh, but that is the best way to avoid any unwanted problems. 

[DeepThoughtsForever]

You've stated that she talks a lot and assume she's being narcissistic. It doesn't just necessarily mean that, it could just be she likes to talk.  Also, there seems to be a lot of positives, and you could be the one to rein her in in both the recklessness and cannabis use.

 

I think you should go for it, but definitely be cautious at first.

 

Good luck 

[emma9085]

This may sound "sappy" but here is what I think...

 

First: back story

 

I met my boyfriend Ryan 3 years ago in January. We met at a bar (most romantic I know), and since the moment I met him, we have been inseparable. The longest time we've been apart (since I MET him) is a whopping 3 days when I went to visit my grandma for a weekend. We spend almost 24 hours a day together (we work for the same business) and, frankly I’ve never been happier. We almost never fight and when we do its small and over in at most an hour or two, and we never seem to run out of things to say.

 

When we met there were many reasons not to be together such as our past romantic histories, general flaws in character, and so on. We were both told to "stay away from that person" and for some pretty good reasons.

 

The point is this. We did not stay away. We did not because it just wasn’t an option. I believe there is no point in starting a relationship with a person if you can honestly ask yourself "should I?” It shouldn't be possible not to, if it is a mutual attraction. Anything else would be grossly unfair to you and to her.

 

I believe any relationship needs 100% dedication. You need to be invested and willing to commit yourself, even when things go bad.

 

What is the point of love if there is no passion? I think many people these days (maybe always) feel that true, passionate "Love" is just a story, but it is only when you let it be. It is only when you are impatient and decide to settle for something less.

 

So, in short, I think you should ask yourself, "Can I actually decide to NOT pursue this person?"

 

If the answer is yes, you could bring yourself to do it, then you have your answer.

[David Ottinger]

The heart wants what the heart wants.   However, intellectually you're telling us something is not right.   And, unless I missed it, I don't see why you find yourself thinking that.  Could you elaborate on that?

 

 

Edit:  Wait.  I just realized this thread is 2 months old.  I'm guessing a lot has happened since then. 

[regevdl]

Stefan would as, "if she was an elderly Chinese man, would your 'interest' be equally as intense in your conversations?" If no....then you are in lust and need to not only dig into deeper conversations but know how to read the answers and filter.  And if she isn't taking interest or empathy in your past..... then that is not a good sign. 

 

Also, if you know there is abuse and she left abruptly and has not tried to seek out professional help (even if chariatable help/therapy, etc) then you run the risk of enabling any issues she has (or you have if you had similar experiences) OR... the person you know and care for today will not the be the person you know and care for in the future if she does finally get the mental/emotional help she needs.  So you will either hold her back (unless you also get the help you need based on your past) or she will outgrow you if she gets help and you do not.  

 

What do you mean by courageous?  She likes to skydive, etc...a thrillseeker or is morally courageous?  There is a big difference.

 

I can understand bonding over a bad past but don't count that as a plus....please.  that's a red flag for both of you.  It's like....heroin addicts can also bond over their overdose stories but it doesn't make them a loving, virtuous, compatable couple. 

 

Stefan spoke a few things about this that helped me put some pieces together for my disaterous past of relationships (now happily married for 13 years with 2 amazing kids...peaceful parenting, etc) is that 'clicking' based on our traumas...which happens and we usually don't recognize is, it quite toxic.  Sometimes that 'close' feeling is the familiar feeling of abuse and should not seek refuge in that feeling. She speaks the language of abuse, you speak the language of a abuse and it feels 'compatible'.  not good.

 

 I'm not saying she is a bad person and doesn't care for you and vice versa, it's just that be VERY careful.  If you remove the point that you both can bond over a bad past (which you should be sharing that with a professional more than each other) then what is left....anything of virtue?

 

Are you looking for virtue?  If so, none of the 'good' qualities you listed are actual virtues. Ask yourself which virtues are you after, give yourself a 'scale' to measure so you can more easily identify them rather than after-the-fact shoehorn in 'good qualities', if that makes sense.  Is she honest?  I mean you say impulsive, made bad relationship decisions and mix that with living 2 hours away....can you trust her?  You didn't mention any of these types of virtues.  Trustworthy, Honest, etc.  

 

 

What I learned (sorry to sound like an old timer) is that if she cannot respect herself (body without careless overconsumption or risky behavior) then how in the world can she be a balancing 'better' half for you?  She is barely looking out for herself.  So either you will have to do that, to which you will enable her  or you will 'rescue' her to which is contemptful as she will not learn the necessary skills to grow and improve on her own or take the necessary steps to better health (mental/emotional) or she won't be looking out for your well being as she doesn't even know how to recognized or control her own impulses....not good for you.

 

Neither of you should be rescuing one another.  There is a difference between support and taking the burden for someone you think you care about.  

 

Once I did this, my hubby was EASY to spot.  Rather than seraching for 'good guys'...whatever that meant, I simply wrote out virtuous qualities that I want in a man.  There was lust...that's impossible to avoid but you quickly can filter if they are virtuous, balanced, etc and be more honest with yourself. 

 

Everyone wants to be a good parents....even the ones who abuse.  My mom still thinks she's a great mother and she was horrible! they simply justify their abuse as good parenting.  So be clear (with each other) what that means.  No one will ever say, "I want to be a horrible parent".  

 

 

Hope those are points that can help you assess effectively and clearly.