How Well Can Red Flags Be Hidden?

[MysterionMuffles]

A phenomenon I'm being reminded of lately is this idea of women not having any clue that the men they'd marry would later on become violent psychopaths.

 

Countless of times I've heard women talk of other women they knew who had no idea they'd be physically abused on their wedding day or later on in the marriage.

 

Is this avoidable with self knowledge and social awareness, or is it completely possible for a sociopathic man to be so well at his deceptions...that women literally have no idea that they'd be abused?

 

If you can spot indicators of future abuse or dissatisfaction in the relationship, what would some red flags be?

 

If you can't, and sociopaths are so good at deception, then how can women--or people in general--shield themselves from such deception? How can you trust anyone if it's true that some people can really fool you for a long long time and then do something that corrupts your entire perception of them?

[Danske]

In my opinion they're easy to spot. A million videos on youtube about red flags (love bombing, sensitivity to criticism, speed things along, don't apologize etc etc etc). The problem is how much you have been conditioned to help, support, appease abusers early on. It's easy to avoid drug dealers if you're not a drug addict. This is what most people in the psychopath/narcissism recovery circles don't want to focus on. They want to focus on how evil their partner was, instead of examining the root which is parents/people in their early environment who were wolves, threw them to the wolves, and who brainwashed their child into seeing them as benevolent sheep.

 

My one and only relationship was with someone who sulked, drank, had no impulse control and lied about her interests. It was blatantly easy to spot but I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame, acting out of compulsion and with no moral direction or values.

[MrCapitalism]

 If sociopaths are so good at hiding their red flags from women, and women are blind to red flags... then why is there an entire web industry devoted to getting nice guys to wave red flags to get the girl?

 

[MrCapitalism]

deleting this post...

[TheSchoolofAthens]

I just got out of a two year relationship that had an abundance of red flags. While I had many great times with this girl, I had put myself in a lot of bad situations, painful experiences, and damaged my integrity. The relationship should have never started. For example, she had done cocaine in the past (only 18 years old at this point) and she said she wanted to keep doing it. I said I wouldn't be with her if she kept doing it. She at first said she'd choose cocaine, but moments later said she would take me over cocaine. Even though she said she wouldn't do it anymore, I should have stopped dating her right then and there. Sure, she never did it again, but the fact that I would have to tell someone not to do something such as cocaine is a huge red flag. We dated for two years after that, going back and forth between marijuana, acid, molly, etc. I watched her and her friends do shrooms once, and I thought it was okay at the time. (I was a teenager living in one of the wealthiest cities in America, and it is so unfortunate how many teenagers do drugs so damn casually) I could go on and on with stories about how she did x and wanted to do y or z and I didn't like it, but all those details aren't necessary. My point is this: what kind of person dates a person who is a drug addict? A person who is a codependent addict. In other words, a person who has a lot of self knowledge to discover.

The best way to defend oneself from dangerous people, is to know thyself.

If I had read RTR  before I started my relationship, if I had read other books about narcissists (my father) and codependents (my mother), if I had gone to therapy and given myself time to heal from my childhood, then I would have never been in a relationship with her for I would have been too educated about myself and healthy relationships. The question isn't "will I end up in a dangerous relationship?" The question is "will I choose to be in a dangerous relationship as a result of avoiding responsibility?"

[Frosty]

I've been thinking about this kind of stuff recently, I think with some interest philosophy and researching this kind of thing you can become quite good at spotting red flags, I certainly was naive for a large part of my life but now I know better, although I'm sure if hidden well enough red flags might be impossible to spot.

 

I struggle less with that issue and instead struggle more with accountability of those who aren't educated in this stuff, if someone simply isn't very smart and hasn't studied this kind of thing then it's not surprising when they ultimately fall for it, to what degree do we hold those people responsible, they're not necessarily knowingly making a bad choice, they may simply be ignorant, I started another thread about holding my mother accountable for her decisions to marry my father, I'm not sure to what degree it was a bad decision and to what degree it was ignorance. I find that it's a hard thing to judge what is reasonable to know, should it be a reasonable expectation that people are proficient at spotting red flags, what about if they didn't have the same level of education and access to knowledge that we have now?

[fractional slacker]

The power of romance can overcome and fool even the best, given right set of circumstances. Anyone and everyone, regardless of self knowledge and philosophy, is susceptible at some point to making a mistake or being tempted by corruption. So, I would argue a well versed (for lack of a better term) FDR listener can be blinded/seduced by a non-virtuous person who masquerades as virtuous. The time and intensity of that seduction would be up for debate. But no one can claim 100% immunity from giving in to temptation anymore than one can claim 100% immunity from getting a cold.

[MysterionMuffles]

The power of romance can overcome and fool even the best, given right set of circumstances. Anyone and everyone, regardless of self knowledge and philosophy, is susceptible at some point to making a mistake or being tempted by corruption. So, I would argue a well versed (for lack of a better term) FDR listener can be blinded/seduced by a non-virtuous person who masquerades as virtuous. The time and intensity of that seduction would be up for debate. But no one can claim 100% immunity from giving in to temptation anymore than one can claim 100% immunity from getting a cold.

 

I don't know, the signs are always there. Though I do think despite of seeing them, the love hormones could make you rationalize otherwise. So it's not so much that we can be easily seduced to miss the signs as much as it is seeing the signs and actively choosing to ignore them.

[MagnumPI]

Everyone sees and ignores the signs. They overlook the flaws for the quick rush. This would be fine, but then where it gets hairy is people want to play make believe about what they've got. Thats the only problem. They want a serious relationship, found someone, ergo, they found a serious relationship.

FALSE. It's this "love the one you're with" horseshit. No, never. You know love is an earned trait, along with trust, respect, forgiveness. Assholes will tell you otherwise of course, but fuck them.

If you can't tell when someone is genuine, it won't matter if they are or aren't because you can't recognize it. Thats called "gambling". Everyone CAN win at Roulette or slot machines, but its basically all chance. Learn how to spot behavior, when to hold when to fold, then hit the poker table and play a skill game. Otherwise a win was dumb luck.

And the only way to get better, is by playing better opponents. Go to car lots and feign interest in nice cars. Find hot sales ladies if you can. Watch the signs, get into their movement. Practice swimming with the sharks and some fishing on the pier will be a cake walk. Or dirty massage parlors, strippers. Hookers if you can find them and not risk your life.

[Magnetic Synthesizer]

They are well hidden by our soceity. Our society helps them hide.

 

Hookers if you can find them and not risk your life.

why is it a risk to life?

[MagnumPI]

They are well hidden by our soceity. Our society helps them hide.

 

 

why is it a risk to life?

Hookers tend not to accumulate in safe neighborhoods in the US

[powder]

Everyone sees and ignores the signs. They overlook the flaws for the quick rush. This would be fine, but then where it gets hairy is people want to play make believe about what they've got. Thats the only problem. They want a serious relationship, found someone, ergo, they found a serious relationship.

FALSE. It's this "love the one you're with" horseshit. No, never. You know love is an earned trait, along with trust, respect, forgiveness. Assholes will tell you otherwise of course, but fuck them.

If you can't tell when someone is genuine, it won't matter if they are or aren't because you can't recognize it. Thats called "gambling". Everyone CAN win at Roulette or slot machines, but its basically all chance. Learn how to spot behavior, when to hold when to fold, then hit the poker table and play a skill game. Otherwise a win was dumb luck.

And the only way to get better, is by playing better opponents. Go to car lots and feign interest in nice cars. Find hot sales ladies if you can. Watch the signs, get into their movement. Practice swimming with the sharks and some fishing on the pier will be a cake walk. Or dirty massage parlors, strippers. Hookers if you can find them and not risk your life.

Interesting.  You are suggesting it is a good idea to hang around with wicked people that are out to deceive and manipulate so you can get good at recognizing their signals and behavior?  

 

As a life strategy though?  I know this works because I have learned a lot about non virtuous people by knowing some and being close enough to them to see how they operate.  I would not want to seek them out though.  

 

What about the opposite?  Find virtuous people and learn to recognize them.  As someone has mentioned it would be more automatic is we were raised by good people.  I am reminded of the Alanis Morrisette song about telling dad to be good to her daughter so she will grow up to recognize goodness.  

[MagnumPI]

Interesting.  You are suggesting it is a good idea to hang around with wicked people that are out to deceive and manipulate so you can get good at recognizing their signals and behavior?  

 

As a life strategy though?  I know this works because I have learned a lot about non virtuous people by knowing some and being close enough to them to see how they operate.  I would not want to seek them out though.  

 

What about the opposite?  Find virtuous people and learn to recognize them.  As someone has mentioned it would be more automatic is we were raised by good people.  I am reminded of the Alanis Morrisette song about telling dad to be good to her daughter so she will grow up to recognize goodness.  

 

Yes. To swim, you can't hang out in the kiddy pool. To lift heavy, you can't play around in the aerobics class. If you want to figure people out as a task, opposed to passive experience, there are ways to do it. We have a very, very corrupt society full of seedy characters. Years, and years, of experience or fast track it and get something done.

 

The thread is how to spot red flags, and how well they can be hidden. Looking for people who don't have them won't help with that. Especially if one is to start from a position of inexperience, or naivete, even. If someone already knows how to spot manipulators, then they aren't part of the topic.

[J. D. Stembal]

In my opinion they're easy to spot. A million videos on youtube about red flags (love bombing, sensitivity to criticism, speed things along, don't apologize etc etc etc). The problem is how much you have been conditioned to help, support, appease abusers early on. It's easy to avoid drug dealers if you're not a drug addict. This is what most people in the psychopath/narcissism recovery circles don't want to focus on. They want to focus on how evil their partner was, instead of examining the root which is parents/people in their early environment who were wolves, threw them to the wolves, and who brainwashed their child into seeing them as benevolent sheep.

 

My one and only relationship was with someone who sulked, drank, had no impulse control and lied about her interests. It was blatantly easy to spot but I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame, acting out of compulsion and with no moral direction or values.

 

I fit the description of a sociopathic narcissist, except that I have become self-aware, and now accept my identity. I can now use my unique qualities to champion the forces of virtue. Formerly, I used my charms and wit to victimize others, and ultimately, myself, but no more!

 

I am learning more and more that like attracts like, and opposites repel. Paula Abdul had it backward.

[J. D. Stembal]

Everyone sees and ignores the signs. They overlook the flaws for the quick rush. This would be fine, but then where it gets hairy is people want to play make believe about what they've got. Thats the only problem. They want a serious relationship, found someone, ergo, they found a serious relationship.

FALSE. It's this "love the one you're with" horseshit. No, never. You know love is an earned trait, along with trust, respect, forgiveness. Assholes will tell you otherwise of course, but fuck them.

If you can't tell when someone is genuine, it won't matter if they are or aren't because you can't recognize it. Thats called "gambling". Everyone CAN win at Roulette or slot machines, but its basically all chance. Learn how to spot behavior, when to hold when to fold, then hit the poker table and play a skill game. Otherwise a win was dumb luck.

And the only way to get better, is by playing better opponents. Go to car lots and feign interest in nice cars. Find hot sales ladies if you can. Watch the signs, get into their movement. Practice swimming with the sharks and some fishing on the pier will be a cake walk. Or dirty massage parlors, strippers. Hookers if you can find them and not risk your life.

 

You are quickly becoming my favorite FDR member for your no-nonsense insights. Please never stop posting here.

 

I am quickly learning that people carry on in life with very large blindspots because that is, in fact, what they desire and choose to do. It's like driving drunk, texting while driving, or fornicating without a glove. Before long, there will be a very terrible accident.

[AccuTron]

I don't know, the signs are always there. Though I do think despite of seeing them, the love hormones could make you rationalize otherwise. So it's not so much that we can be easily seduced to miss the signs as much as it is seeing the signs and actively choosing to ignore them.

I've had that problem with certain foods.  Maybe that's a coping mechanism:  it's easier to recover from bad food than bad humans.  On the other hand, maybe I should try throwing those little pink PeptoBismol tablets at certain people and see what happens.

[J. D. Stembal]

This guy makes a similar claim. Have you heard of him? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CSCCs00cbA

 

What claim am I making, and how is it similar to the author of this video? I'm not sure if I can experience true empathy. I never really learned it as a child. I was taught to manipulate to get what I desire.

[mahayana]

Yes. To swim, you can't hang out in the kiddy pool. To lift heavy, you can't play around in the aerobics class. If you want to figure people out as a task, opposed to passive experience, there are ways to do it. We have a very, very corrupt society full of seedy characters. Years, and years, of experience or fast track it and get something done.

 

The thread is how to spot red flags, and how well they can be hidden. Looking for people who don't have them won't help with that. Especially if one is to start from a position of inexperience, or naivete, even. If someone already knows how to spot manipulators, then they aren't part of the topic.

I am fascinated by your method of swimming with the sharks. What do you do once you infiltrate their groups? Do you pretend to be one of them or challenge their actions/philosophies? If you do pretend to be one of them aren't you sort of at their level because you are being deceptive and manipulative? If your goal is to gain genuine people in your life, can it be attained through insincere actions? For me I would also be worried about losing out on potential genuine relationships when others assume I'm a shark as well since I'm swimming with them.

[MagnumPI]

I am fascinated by your method of swimming with the sharks. What do you do once you infiltrate their groups? Do you pretend to be one of them or challenge their actions/philosophies? If you do pretend to be one of them aren't you sort of at their level because you are being deceptive and manipulative? If your goal is to gain genuine people in your life, can it be attained through insincere actions? For me I would also be worried about losing out on potential genuine relationships when others assume I'm a shark as well since I'm swimming with them.

 

Then don't do it. I mean, you're looking for a thousand reasons not to do something. You're not going to do it. Good luck, regardless. As to the specifics:

 

What do you mean infiltrate? Going to a car lot? Ask about the car. Say you're just browsing, if they leave you alone, go to the next lot. Find one who wants to sell you a car even though you're just looking around. It's just shopping. The other places, too, are open to the public. Someone wants to give you a happy-ending, start negotiating. Even if you don't want it, are you being disingenuous if you ask about the menu? I don't know how that is lying, it's interesting to learn about even if you just wanted the knots rubbed out. But even cell phone salesman, guys on the street, mall kiosks... Manipulators trying to take your money are everywhere. This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Go do some on-site work. Even just talking to other people on the street. Go find anyone for practice. Worst case, all you did was meet some people!

Pretend to be whatever you want, I don't know what you're talking about. Either you're interested or you aren't. If looking at a car you don't intend to buy seems too manipulative to you, don't do it.

 

If you think so, don't do it. I mean, if you go to a grocery store because it's a good place to meet women, aren't you being manipulative if you go looking to meet women? It's a grocery store, so you should be there to shop for groceries. But that's obviously horseshit. If you want to talk to someone, then do it. If it makes you feel better, you can even tell the salesman you just came to learn about salesmen! So, this 'being manipulative' is just a boogey man that a lot of people, particularly on this board, use as an excuse for inaction. Philosophy is supposed to be a a spoken discipline. Go do it.

 

Probably not, but learning about manipulative people is the goal... I don't know why, that's twice now, this has come up. Finding genuine people is separate from learning about manipulative people. You don't need to go out, find the sleaziest person you can, and start inviting them to BBQ's. The reason salesman are such a great target for this sort of stuff is they're 1) Accessible and 2) You already know their motives. That gives you the low-down on any single one of them and it requires next to no investment. A few minutes, you pick up on shifty eye movement, body language, actual language, tactics with hand shaking, sometimes they do the buddy thing and act like your friend, a lot like to say this 'chief' or 'boss' or 'champ' garbage, belittle you a little, all the things that I'm trying to explain that you have to experience to understand.

 

That's fine, don't do it. If you aren't taking any risks with people, you'll never come across sharks anyway, so it won't be a problem. Or you will, and they'll take you for a ride, and that's another(more expensive & painful way) to learn. I'm not knocking actual life experience, just putting forth an alternative, faster way to learn about people.

[J. D. Stembal]

Manipulators trying to take your money are everywhere.

 

I'd like to point out that the most effective manipulators with the above motivation are women with fresh eggs.

 

Therefore, if Mahayana would like a crash course in dealing with sociopaths, then I'd suggest dating as a heterosexual man.

[thebeardslastcall]

I am learning more and more that like attracts like, and opposites repel. Paula Abdul had it backward.

 

Could be more a puzzle pieces thing. Same puzzle then there will be a bad piece to fit, if you're of a different kind of puzzle then no piece from a bad puzzle will fit. Not so much being the same or different than it is being of compatible and incompatible types. Or put differently it isn't like vs different for everything, but for categories. Different types within the same category fit, while different categories don't mesh well. If you're in the abuser category the people are different in that one is the abuser role and one is the abused role, they're different, but the same category and they fit together. While if you're of a different category then you'll no longer fit into either one of those roles and won't be compatible with either an abuser or abused role. Same species, opposite sex. Likewise people with different ways of life are like different subspecies, only compatible with others of the same subspecies, but within that subspecies they have to be filling an opposing piece role to be compatible. If you like to be submissive you need a dominate partner. If you're of a different breed that likes to be on equal footing you won't attract to either a dominate or submissive person and only someone like yourself. Some levels of attraction and compatibility are inversive some are conversive.

[MagnumPI]

I'd like to point out that the most effective manipulators with the above motivation are women with fresh eggs.

 

Therefore, if Mahayana would like a crash course in dealing with sociopaths, then I'd suggest dating as a heterosexual man.

 

Yeah, that, too. Met one, another cougar, got drunk and told me, actual quote "it's my turn to be a gold digger". I swear, driving nice cars is the best truth serum money can buy. Want to scare up the cockroaches? Get a new sports car.

[J. D. Stembal]

Could be more a puzzle pieces thing. Same puzzle then there will be a bad piece to fit, if you're of a different kind of puzzle then no piece from a bad puzzle will fit. Not so much being the same or different than it is being of compatible and incompatible types. Or put differently it isn't like vs different for everything, but for categories. Different types within the same category fit, while different categories don't mesh well. If you're in the abuser category the people are different in that one is the abuser role and one is the abused role, they're different, but the same category and they fit together. While if you're of a different category then you'll no longer fit into either one of those roles and won't be compatible with either an abuser or abused role. Same species, opposite sex. Likewise people with different ways of life are like different subspecies, only compatible with others of the same subspecies, but within that subspecies they have to be filling an opposing piece role to be compatible. If you like to be submissive you need a dominate partner. If you're of a different breed that likes to be on equal footing you won't attract to either a dominate or submissive person and only someone like yourself. Some levels of attraction and compatibility are inversive some are conversive.

 

We're talking about narcissistic sociopaths, not fetish flavors. I like ropes. If you attract sociopaths, then guess what? You are one. There is no way a sociopath can carry on a normal relationship with a normal person for very long. It would be too exhausting, and eventually, the narcissist would give off the obvious tells, which have been described here and elsewhere in detail.

 

Ignore the signs at your own peril.

 

 

...cougar, got drunk...

 

This is such an obvious tell for me that I am dealing with a sociopath. If someone has to drink to excess just to socialize with me, I will stay very far away. I have self-medicated for two decades just to be able to handle being around others while pretending to be someone else.

 

I had a conversation with a woman the other night and I described my alcoholism as killing myself literally and figuratively at the same time. The end result would have eventually been death, but it was my true self that did not want to continue living because he was forced into hiding for twenty years.

 

Now, he's back and pissed as hell.

 

She thought the description was very illustrative and powerful. I now have hope that there are actually sane women out there that can overcome ingrained narcissistic tendencies. We philosophers have to keep dispensing with the self-knowledge bombs until there are no sociopaths left breeding.

[Susana]

How well can red flags be hidden?

 

~ The red flags are only hidden if the woman is lacking the self-knowledge about herself, she does not want to look at the truth. She might not be in a place to look for the truth, to look at dysfunctions in general much less in her own relationship. Just kinda going with the flow.

 

Having just finished "Real Time Relationships" https://freedomainradio.com/free/its amazing to see the progression of relationships and how we can begin to speak the truth in a truthful matter, that is easy, simple and without "baggage" or accusations or stuff like that. To speak the truth causes anxiety but by reading this book or in other ways one can become conscience and look at the interconnectedness of the human family and personal relationships helps unravel where and why that anxiety is coming from and then "red flags" or empirical data that happens to be a warning sign aka "red flag" becomes much much clearer.

 

~ Also we are generally all young and highly propagandized so I wonder WHY ISENT ANYONE AROUND THE WOMEN WARNING About the "red flags" and teaching better values................ hmmmm what does society want? What makes us the happiest? what makes us the most secure? What is best for the children? ... not like the future depends on it. Are people motivated by immediate gratification or for a better future for their children? Why the hell do we have the welfare state? If people dont want kids whats wrong with giving them for adoption?

 

logging out--- continuing on my journey of insight and discovery and research

 

 

 

 

[mahayana]

"... Manipulators trying to take your money are everywhere. This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Go do some on-site work. Even just talking to other people on the street. Go find anyone for practice. Worst case, all you did was meet some people!

Pretend to be whatever you want, I don't know what you're talking about. Either you're interested or you aren't. If looking at a car you don't intend to buy seems too manipulative to you, don't do it."

...learning about manipulative people is the goal... I don't know why, that's twice now, this has come up. Finding genuine people is separate from learning about manipulative people. "

I'd like to point out that the most effective manipulators with the above motivation are women with fresh eggs.

 

Therefore, if Mahayana would like a crash course in dealing with sociopaths, then I'd suggest dating as a heterosexual man.

 

Thanks for clarifying that. I don't know why but I was more under the impression you were suggesting befriending manipulative people to gain familiarity with the signs. I totally agree with you Magnum in that you can gain a lot of knowledge through observation & interaction with sociopaths. The good thing (or not so good) is that we come across such people on a daily basis so we really don't have to go out of our way to find them. In my opinion, the best way to avoid becoming a victim to them is to know what you're looking for. I'm not sure if I understand how getting close to sales people such as a sleazy car salesman would help or why the massage parlor. I don't see anything wrong with someone wanting to get a happy ending nor would come to any conclusions about the morality of the masseuse. If you're looking for a new car, do your research and know the prices so no matter how pushy a salesman is, if what he's selling doesn't match up to what you want you won't be persuaded. The same goes for finding partners. Do your research & know what you're looking for.

 

The next best thing to firsthand experience is learning through the firsthand experience of others. With the call in shows you have an abundance of material! I think if you're on this website, you most likely have been exposed to manipulative sociopaths!

 

Going back to the original posters question: (this is to Rainbow Jamz, I haven't figured out how to do the multi quote thing)

 

"If you can spot indicators of future abuse or dissatisfaction in the relationship, what would some red flags be?

If you can't, and sociopaths are so good at deception, then how can women--or people in general--shield themselves from such deception?"

 

If people want to shield themselves from sociopaths/deception, I would suggest keeping those walls up until you figure things out.  It drives me crazy because I constantly see people jumping into relationships without truly knowing the other person. I've had my share of physically abusive people in my life and the behaviors I've seen in common with all of them are explosive tempers, name calling/insulting, and punching walls/throwing things. I do think you can avoid such people and the red flags are always there if you know what you're looking for.

 

 

Agreed J.D. Thank goodness they make it easy for people to spot them out with their overpriced handbags, flawlessly coiffed hair, manicured nails, layers of make-up, designer clothes, etc...........

[Magnetic Synthesizer]

 

I don't want to give sociopaths an idea, If they don't act counter to sociopathy sometimes, then you should be concerned that they might be sociopathic. Sociopaths don't go full retard in their manipulations.

 

[J. D. Stembal]

I'm not sure if I understand how getting close to sales people such as a sleazy car salesman would help...

 

By any chance, did you mean to write sleazy pick-up artist here?

[J. D. Stembal]

That you're a recovering narcissist?

 

The word recovering is misleading, just as in recovering alcoholic. I will always be a narcissist, except that I have adequate self-knowledge to admit it openly.

 

Humans are born curious and are natural skeptics. They say no a lot and ask a ton of question, such as "Why?" in response to everything they do not understand. When parents shut this curiosity down repeatedly, children learn not to be curious about the feelings of others.

 

I don't agree with the author of the video. Empathy cannot be learned past the age of 5-7, when there is a critical threshold that is passed in the brain development of children. Once a narcissist, always a narcissist.

[webdever]

 

I don't want to give sociopaths an idea, If they don't act counter to sociopathy sometimes, then you should be concerned that they might be sociopathic. Sociopaths don't go full retard in their manipulations.

 

 

Not sure what you mean by "Sociopaths don't go full retard in their manipulations.", Often times they'll just make up absurd stuff, or say whatever they can think of to win you over, regardless of whether it makes sense or is consistent with anything else they've said, as long as they deliver it right people will go a long with it. 

 

Think Frank Abagnale with the out of order deposit box. I had someone tell me he was swiss royalty once and he needed me to cash a $10,000 cashiers check his mother was mailing him. I looked him up and he was regularly running this scam on women successfully. Often they seem pretty dumb and just rely on charm. Sociopaths know even if someone realizes what they're saying isn't adding up they will often still ignore their intuition and logic and allow themselves to be won over by charm.

[J. D. Stembal]

Sociopaths know even if someone realizes what they're saying isn't adding up they will often still ignore their intuition and logic and allow themselves to be won over by charm.

 

It's not that the person's faculties of reason are won over simply by charm, but that the person is motivated to not ask uncomfortable questions because they often provoke anxiety or anger in others.

 

I've been learning how to ask uncomfortable questions of the people close to me, and to do it fearlessly. The reactions I have received are very telling. Very quickly, I get to the "We're not having this conversation right now," followed by some weak excuse. At that point, I can keep pressing, or back off, but the result is the same.

[Magnetic Synthesizer]

 Find virtuous people and learn to recognize them.

How to do it better and faster?

[powder]

How to do it better and faster?

If you are raised with good parents in a loving and supportive environment, you will automatically seek out and attract that into your life.  It will be familiar to you and you will naturally shun the opposite.  

 

If you had a difficult and traumatic childhood, you will find yourself surrounded by the like as an adult.  I don't think we have a lot of control over our internal subconscious triggers, when your are around abusive manipulative people, they will press your buttons, make you feel bad.  

 

people can pretend to be nice, compassionate, empathetic, curious and interested in your well being, but they cannot hide their past.  ask the right questions of anyone that wants to be close to you and you will find out fast. 

[TheAuger]

@Marlon, It seems what you might be asking is how can you detect someone lying or covering up for patterns of abuse.

 

The answer is by asking them questions.  If they'd rather not be open and honest with you, come back to the issue in a later conversation, perhaps scheduled.  If they're still reticent and it's clear they're not being honest with you, or their story changes, then this would be a definite red flag for me.

[adamNJ]

I so agree with everything you've said. I might be able to form a coherent response at some point. But for now, this is spot on.

In the spirit of Tom Leykis, women love jerks, how about you tell us the story of your exhusband and the red flags you did not see.