Transference? Looking for more information.

[Rachelle]

I have a relationship which I considered a friendship in it's early stages, but very soon turned into something more in my mind as I treated him more as a role model, parent, and therapist. We were both focused on my psychology and history rather than it being more of a two-way mutually beneficial relationship. I knew him when I was in my mid-teens but didn't start to have a more serious and consuming relationship until I was in my 20s when we reconnected online. I encouraged him to take a more authoritarian position in our relationship, which he felt uncomfortable with doing at first, but eventually complied and more and more it became a teacher and student relationship, which turned into a patient and therapist relationship.

As we explored my childhood and subjects like attachment theory and parentification I had deep emotional experiences where I would go from having intense feelings of adoration to violent anger and jealousy for this man. We recognized that a lot of this have to do with my childhood and that I wasn't really angry at him because he hadn't  done anything to harm me (certainly not proportionate to what I was feeling/experiencing). We decided to explore this further by doing a type of pseudo therapy, where I was encouraged to explore my childhood experiences and try to reconnect emotionally while being in a safe place provided by him. I would try to re-experience what I had in the past and then have him take me out once it became overwhelming for me and I would have him act as my parent giving me what I desired or needed as a child while I acted like a child. I went to a very dark place and started experiencing extreme anxiety and fear of abandonment, which neither of us knew how to handle and eventually it became too much for him (understandably) and our relationship broke. I was a mess when this happened and I experienced this break with terrifying despair and confusion. I had no other friends or family I was really in contact with at the time because I had moved to a different state to take a break from my family and the toxicity. And as a side note I am starting to think I had a hidden motivation for moving which I think is that it was easier for me to attach myself to this man and move to a different state (never having moved before) than it was for me to confront my father and have a conversation with him about my insecurities and how his emotional unavailability and neglect affected my life. The violent anger and terror (of making him uncomfortable to the point of abandoning me) I projected onto the man I attached myself to, I now realize belongs to my father and that throughout our relationship (3 years not counting teen years) I have consistently assigned emotions to this man as their source when they fundamentally had nothing to do with him.

After speaking with my friend about this he linked me an article on transference. Which seems relevant to my experience and so I am interested in further exploring this idea and would like more information on it. So I'm requesting that if anyone has further information on this or anything like this, I would very much appreciate it if you would be willing to share.

I'd also like to caution anyone who might be in a similar situation and is considering exploring this kind of pseudo therapy with someone who isn't a professional or has had experience dealing with such things. From my experience I put myself in a very dangerous situation by choosing to have this kind of relationship and exploring what I did with someone when we didn't know what we were doing and I suffered a lot as a consequence and so did the man in this relationship. I added onto his suffering by showing little to no empathy for him during our 3 year relationship which is partly his fault and partly mine. Mine because I didn't acknowledge that I wasn't considering his feelings whenever I was only concerned with alleviating my anxiety and using him to do so.

As a secondary thought (I apologize for the long post), I've been considering calling in to the show to talk about my relationship in which I have experienced this but I haven't figured out what to ask or what specifically I'd like to focus on to make the show enjoyable and helpful for myself and others. Any suggestions or thoughts would be welcome. And yes I plan on getting therapy.

[things make sense]

Do you think Stef's relationship with some of his listeners follow, to some extent, the teacher-student model that you described?

I could be completely wrong, but I think the transference thing is a red herring because your entire post felt like it was devoid of raw emotions. You are talking about incredibly sad things but I feel a bit frustrated because I'm just reading compressed facts after another with heavily regulated words. Could it be because other people's needs come before your own so you felt the need to keep the post short? Also, you went through all that experience but you are more focused on making the show enjoyable and helpful for others. Stef mentioned that we live in a society where people run away from you when you start talking about your past trauma, and that is one of the reasons why people have a tendency to self-attack and put other people's needs over their own. Is this relevant to you?

[Rachelle]

Without putting much thought into it, yes I'd say the relationship with some of Stefan's listeners have a teacher student model. You say I described a model but I don't think I described much of a model in my post, I only stated that my relationship became one where I was more of a student and he a teacher, before it changed into a patient & therapist one. I don't have a problem with a student teacher relationship, I think they can be very healthy and productive. Why did you ask this question? It's unclear to me.

My goal wasn't to express my raw emotion in my previous post and besides that I'm not even sure how I'd be able to successfully convey my raw emotion over text or how that would be helpful for me or anyone. I'm curious, what would expressing raw emotion look like to you in text?

You're right it is compressed because that's what I was trying to do. I don't think it would be helpful for me or anyone if I wrote out my entire history and emotions that I felt (or in some instances still feel) on a forum without having more of a focus or goal. No one would know what specific problem I'd like help with and the only thing I'd convey is the fact that I am emotionally raw and would like help. I wanted to be as concise as possible while giving people some context on my situation and relationship so that they would be better able to help me or give me information on it, or on what I specifically asked about, which is transference and how it may or may not relate to my relationship.

I can understand your frustration if you believe I was minimizing my emotional experience or trying to censor them in some way, but I certainly didn't feel that way when I was writing my previous post, and even after reflecting on your words I still don't feel like I was neglecting my emotions. However, I am still working on expressing my emotions and being emotionally connected to others without "blarping" or being overwhelmed, so it's possible that I'm missing something so I'll explore it more. I do think I'm able to speak about this relationship the way I am now because I've done a lot of processing and I'm not as emotionally raw as I was or have been in the past due to unprocessed pain and confusion.

I don't believe I'm ignoring my needs by trying to keep my post short, I was satisfied with the length even while knowing it might be too long for others to be interested in reading. I don't think being aware of other people's possible needs or preferences necessarily means that I'm sacrificing my own. I agree with some people's criticisms that long posts can be difficult to follow or understand and I was aware of that while writing.

I don't think it's fair to say that I'm more focused on making the show enjoyable for others. I said enjoyable and helpful for myself AND others. It was my intention to show my consideration towards others knowing that the show wouldn't be just for me and to express my own personal desire I have and pleasure I would receive if I am able to help others like others on the show have helped me.

I am aware that the way I talk is careful, because I am being careful, I'm trying to keep as many bad habits as I can out of my conversations.