I'm SO ANGRY

[Alvaro Bernardes]

I'm pissed. I'm feeling something I haven't felt in a looong time. I'm really angry at my parents, and I'm happy that I'm this mad.

 

I was listening to http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/766/maternal-suffocationand I just had this amazing awakening moment. I just felt all the rage from the listener towards his parents and it made me remind myself of all the rage I felt during my teens. I thought about suicide for a year. I counted every minute in school. I felt like shit for not studying stupid subjects. I was bullied. I was pressured by everyone to get a girlfriend. I felt like a big failure with no future. I was put in the worst school in the city under the pretext that it would teach me life. I felt my life threatened among kids whose parents have been in jail. There were cases of rape in the bathrooms. If a kid from 5th grade asked me for my money I had to give it to him even though I was 4 years older, because if I didn't and escalated, his family and friends would be waiting for me outside.

I was put in this situation by the people who are supposed to take care of me. The people I should be able to trust.

 

Writing this made me feel really sad and even angrier!

 

All this inside a 16 year old mind, who had no one to share it with. I could never ever trust my parents with this. I would never share it with them. They made fun of me when I talked about this girl I liked when I was about 6. My parents and grandmother, at the table, laughing at me for liking this girl. Mocking me... BAH IM SO PISSED!!

 

So with this all inside my mind I got super pissed at them but I repressed it... until now. All this time I've been trying to get work done and be productive only to find myself procrastinating. It was like my brain was saying "There are more important stuff for you to deal with!". And I ignored it and played videogames. And then I felt like shit because I was being really unproductive, so i go work and the cycle continues...

Today I figured out what my feelings were trying to tell me. Why I couldn't work for more than 30 minutes without going back to videogames. Why I wasted over 7000 hours playing fucking video games!!!!

 

I'm so fucking pissed I wasted ALL THAT TIME. I could be living alone far from this hellhole getting a good salary. I denied job offers because I would feel depressed when i thought of working. Maybe because I had all this rage built up inside of me! I repressed all that I felt towards my parents and didn't face it! I hid behind videogames to waste time purposefully! I probably thought that work would be videogames 2.0 to repress my feelings towards my parents, since at leaste while playing I can listen to podcasts and think about my life.

 

I'm starting to feel less anger and it's probably because I'm disconnecting emotionally... 

I'm super scared of letting this general feeling go away, and go back to where I was. I am afraid of continuing to live a unproductive life, feeling inferior when other people ask me what i've been up to.. "Oh you know just played 100h of league of legends, what about you?"

I'm feeling sad and scared now and stopped feeling anger.

 

All this time growing up i've had little to none emotional support and useful life lessons. I've never trusted my parents advice (thank god) and was going in a really bad direction until I found FDR. Thank you Stef Mike and Stoyan for doing this. You are literally saving lives. Thank you so so much.

 

I wanted to share this with all of you and if anyone can help me out I'd be very very grateful..

[Will Torbald]

I'm sorry you were forced to live in a hell hole. What I've learned about my own anger is that I can't be angry at something without also having a "should" in my mind. When I take the should out, the anger also goes. That means to me that anger is the insistence of molding the world and others to our own will. Your parents should not have mocked you. Your school should not have bullied you. You should not have played videogames. At every point in time any of those things happened it was reasoned to be the choice they would make. They made you feel shame, fear, or fun at the moment they were happening. But it only becomes anger when you remember them and think of how it "should" have been.

 

That's just my take on things. I'm no expert and I welcome any counterarguments, but that's how I deal with my own.

[neeeel]

I think you should cut yourself a bit of slack. 

The pressure you describe yourself under at school, the pressure to get a girlfriend etc, sounds exactly like the pressure you are putting yourself under to be productive. 

Theres nothing inherently wrong with video games, and you are likely to be using them to avoid something, some pain or distressing feelings/memories. Thats ok, dont be hard on yourself for doing that.

Are you in therapy at all? You say you have had no one and no emotional support. It sounds like therapy is something you would really need.

[DaVinci]

I'm sorry you went through that, and I'm sorry you are feeling so much anger. 

 

If you don't want to spend more time on video games, which I understand as I have played my fair share of them, then what do you want to do? When I ask you "What do you want to do with your life?" there must be at least a couple of things that pop into your mind immediately. If you asked me that question I would tell you "Drawing" right away. After that I would say writing, game design, etc. I have a list of things I like to do and I prioritize them in my mind. So what is your answer? If video game time is wasted time then what wouldn't be wasted time for you? 

 

I know this probably doesn't help with what happened to you and how others have treated you (parents, peers, etc) but I hope it does help change your mood. Anger and depression can both be strangling and I've found myself confronting them many times myself. Now I'm not saying jump into something you like as a distraction from confronting those issues, I'm just saying if you really feel like you are wasting time with something you need to try to figure out what it is you would rather be doing with that time. 

[Romulox]

I hid behind videogames to waste time purposefully! I probably thought that work would be videogames 2.0 to repress my feelings towards my parents, since at leaste while playing I can listen to podcasts and think about my life.

 

I'm starting to feel less anger and it's probably because I'm disconnecting emotionally... 

I'm super scared of letting this general feeling go away, and go back to where I was. I am afraid of continuing to live a unproductive life, feeling inferior when other people ask me what i've been up to.. "Oh you know just played 100h of league of legends, what about you?"

 

If you are listening to FDR podcasts and thinking about your life while playing videogames for hours on end, then perhaps consider that you are living the most productive life you possibly can be right now.  Processing the past is the first step to making rational decisions about the future, and the fact that your anger has subsided may be a good indication that this is happening exactly as it should be as you continue plowing through the FDR podcasts. 

 

When people ask you what you've been up to, would you feel inferior if you said, "Oh, you know, just spent 100 hours studying psychology and self improvement strategies from a teacher who has saved a countless number of lives, what about you?"

[RCali]

^

 

If you are listening to FDR podcasts and thinking about your life while playing videogames for hours on end, then perhaps consider that you are living the most productive life you possibly can be right now.  Processing the past is the first step to making rational decisions about the future, and the fact that your anger has subsided may be a good indication that this is happening exactly as it should be as you continue plowing through the FDR podcasts. 

 

When people ask you what you've been up to, would you feel inferior if you said, "Oh, you know, just spent 100 hours studying psychology and self improvement strategies from a teacher who has saved a countless number of lives, what about you?"

 

Totally agree with this. Every time I play videogames I'm listening to someone smart at the same time. Though, I don't think that's what this is about at all. It's not that videogames are bad, it's his weakness on turning them off and doing something else, when he knows he should.

I can tell you of me: I experienced the same exact thing in the past, and I'm back to that shithole, right now, after having completely climbed out of it. And I do not have an incredibly inteligent way of climbing out of it. It's a matter of sheer willpower and continued strength to do those other activities you wish to participate in, and to turn away from the procrastination. Videogames are absolutely fine. After all, everyone needs something to waste their time with. The other thing which helped me turn away from sloth was physical exercise. Which, again, requires a lot of willpower to continue doing regularly, but the reward of free natural drugs giving you a permanent high makes everything so much easier. Running would probably be the best for this. I've both read about and felt the results of a strong cardiovascular system in my energy.

[Alvaro Bernardes]

If you are listening to FDR podcasts and thinking about your life while playing videogames for hours on end, then perhaps consider that you are living the most productive life you possibly can be right now.  Processing the past is the first step to making rational decisions about the future, and the fact that your anger has subsided may be a good indication that this is happening exactly as it should be as you continue plowing through the FDR podcasts. 

 

When people ask you what you've been up to, would you feel inferior if you said, "Oh, you know, just spent 100 hours studying psychology and self improvement strategies from a teacher who has saved a countless number of lives, what about you?"

 

That's true, and you're probably right saying that i'm living a productive life considering my background. I should think about that more and try to have more empathy with myself. I do always listen to podcasts when i'm playing. I can't play without listening to a podcast be it FDR or others. I find it too boring...

 

What I experience when I'm not working is just like a little annoyance as if it was saying "you should be doing something" and "why are you so lazy".

 

Thank you for your comment, I'll really think about what you've said

I'm sorry you went through that, and I'm sorry you are feeling so much anger. 

 

If you don't want to spend more time on video games, which I understand as I have played my fair share of them, then what do you want to do? When I ask you "What do you want to do with your life?" there must be at least a couple of things that pop into your mind immediately. If you asked me that question I would tell you "Drawing" right away. After that I would say writing, game design, etc. I have a list of things I like to do and I prioritize them in my mind. So what is your answer? If video game time is wasted time then what wouldn't be wasted time for you? 

 

I know this probably doesn't help with what happened to you and how others have treated you (parents, peers, etc) but I hope it does help change your mood. Anger and depression can both be strangling and I've found myself confronting them many times myself. Now I'm not saying jump into something you like as a distraction from confronting those issues, I'm just saying if you really feel like you are wasting time with something you need to try to figure out what it is you would rather be doing with that time. 

 

What pops into my mind is web development. That's an area I've some experience with and it's my work. That's what I feel like I should be doing during the time I'm playing.

I think you should cut yourself a bit of slack. 

The pressure you describe yourself under at school, the pressure to get a girlfriend etc, sounds exactly like the pressure you are putting yourself under to be productive. 

Theres nothing inherently wrong with video games, and you are likely to be using them to avoid something, some pain or distressing feelings/memories. Thats ok, dont be hard on yourself for doing that.

Are you in therapy at all? You say you have had no one and no emotional support. It sounds like therapy is something you would really need.

 

I find that there are big similarities in what I feel with the pressure...

 

I'm not in therapy, and I agree it would be a good thing to do, tough I fear fear when considering it.

I'm sorry you were forced to live in a hell hole. What I've learned about my own anger is that I can't be angry at something without also having a "should" in my mind. When I take the should out, the anger also goes. That means to me that anger is the insistence of molding the world and others to our own will. Your parents should not have mocked you. Your school should not have bullied you. You should not have played videogames. At every point in time any of those things happened it was reasoned to be the choice they would make. They made you feel shame, fear, or fun at the moment they were happening. But it only becomes anger when you remember them and think of how it "should" have been.

 

That's just my take on things. I'm no expert and I welcome any counterarguments, but that's how I deal with my own.

 

What you wrote is probably correct, though I've not thought about it very much. Do you think it's healthy to remove the should? Because in my case I think all the "shoulds" are justified. Wouldn't it be negative to lie to myself to avoid the feeling? I hope I'm not misunderstanding what you're saying

Edited October 15, 2015 by Alvaro Bernardes

[Darknecrosforte]

Gold II Katarina/Ziggs main. 3.8 college GPA in Exercise Science with medical electives. Waiting on medical school admissions and I have a pretty good shot. Videogames often get in the way for most people, but just letting you know that the anger is more likely the problem, and possibly playing more than 3 games in a row when you have stuff to learn.

 

I was an avid gamer who coasted through school. I hated my childhood and family so much that I said "F it" and joined the Marine Corps for 5 years. Learned how to study and push through bs to get things done and valued my life again. Found Stefan's work and that being a doctor gives the highest credibility if I wanted to spread peaceful parenting.

 

So rather than join the military, maybe look for a Free Mason's group or Toastmasters. From there, maybe find out what the 90 year old you would regret not doing and do that.

[Romulox]

 

Totally agree with this. Every time I play videogames I'm listening to someone smart at the same time. Though, I don't think that's what this is about at all. It's not that videogames are bad, it's his weakness on turning them off and doing something else, when he knows he should.

 

I'm not so sure that he should be turning them off at this point; were he to do something else, would he be listening to FDR, or would he be as receptive to the message as he is while playing video games?  If he needs the video game environment in order to continue processing his anger at this point in time (and the fact that he is becoming less angry now may be evidence of this), perhaps he shouldn't fight it right now.  Maybe the addiction is actually to FDR, but is consciously manifested as a craving to play video games, since this is where he hears the majority if not all of the podcasts. 

 

If this is the case, I absolutely agree that he should try to move away from the videogames at some point; and listening to podcasts while exercising works great for me as well.  In particular, just taking a walk in the woods and spending some time out in nature free from distractions really helps you get lost in the conversation. 

[Alvaro Bernardes]

I'm not so sure that he should be turning them off at this point; were he to do something else, would he be listening to FDR, or would he be as receptive to the message as he is while playing video games?  If he needs the video game environment in order to continue processing his anger at this point in time (and the fact that he is becoming less angry now may be evidence of this), perhaps he shouldn't fight it right now.  Maybe the addiction is actually to FDR, but is consciously manifested as a craving to play video games, since this is where he hears the majority if not all of the podcasts. 

 

If this is the case, I absolutely agree that he should try to move away from the videogames at some point; and listening to podcasts while exercising works great for me as well.  In particular, just taking a walk in the woods and spending some time out in nature free from distractions really helps you get lost in the conversation. 

 

That makes total sense to me. I do listen to podcasts while cycling, and like I said before, I don't think I'd play videogames if I wasn't listening to a podcast meanwhile.

I wonder though, why do I play video games while listening... why not just listen? I sometimes feel it's boring to just listen (not that the show's boring, it's just that listening to anything for 3 hours and doing nothing meanwhile bores me) so i play video games, many times competitively, so I get some sense of achievement.

[Romulox]

I am exactly the same way; I have to be doing something while listening to podcasts, otherwise I get that little annoying voice saying "you should be doing something productive" in the back of my head.  Cycling is definitely one of my favorite "productive" activities as well.

 

Perhaps once in a while, when you get the urge to turn on the video games, try going out for a bike ride instead (while listening to FDR, of course), and see how you feel afterwards.  It might give you some insight as to whether or not you are craving the video games themselves or if you just have a positive association with them since that is when you are processing your emotions via FDR podcasts.  If you start logging more miles on the bike every week, you could use that to prove to yourself that you are making progress towards one of your goals (reducing your time playing video games).  Plus, the extra exercise will make you feel great! 

[regevdl]

I am so incredibly sorry you had this type of childhood.  I will say, for what it's worth, don't compare your 'achievements' based on what OTHERS expect of you.  It sounds like the people who raised you and the environment they kept you in was full of people who refused to let others 'rise above' them and so it was a race to the bottom.  So, with that said, the things OTHERS pressured on you AND sabotaged (pressuring you to get a girlfriend and then mocking you when you showed interest is horrible! ) is not your cross to bear in terms of feeling bad that you didn't achieve that, considering the conditions.

 

I hope your acknowledgment of your anger will be good fuel to achieve things you DO want.  It might take time for you to clear this anger which will then help you think more clearly on your goals you want to work on and achieve.  Maybe one is first...process this anger...that's a good goal to start with.  That isn't to say.  oh...don't be angry.  hell no.  you should be and weren't allowed so this is a good thing, just make sure you go about it in a healthy way.  If you can obtain a therapist or a counselor to facilitate you in this process to make sure you are going about it in a safe and productive way.  

 

You know, you mentioned wasting 7000 hours playing video games.  That is about 291 days.  Sometimes coming to these CLEAR facts about what we have or have not accumulated is a great way to snap out of our funk.  

 

My final observation and probably the most important for you to hear and will hopefully help kickstart your motivation......

that procrastination you feel is still your family being inside your head.  Meaning, they are STILL sabotaging you.  So every time you play a video game when you know you should be focusing on more prodcutive, self-helping type activities (work, self awareness, therapy, etc) KICK THEM OUT OF YOUR HEAD.  

 

They continue to exist in your head to keep you down, at their level.  They have conditioned you to procrastinate to feel hopeless to feel that dreams and achievement are stupid and worthless etc.  Don't let them be correct!  Don't validate what they say.  

 

It's not easy as turning off a switch but sometimes being aware of it can help you catch yourself 'in the act' and snap out of it.  

 

My favorite phrase or mantra is "don't be the monster they say you are or expect you to be".  

[RCali]

If we assume FDR podcasts have the same value as books (very good books, for that matter), why would you want to not listen? No, I do believe the problem aren't the podcasts or video games. And I say this because of two reasons. The first being: it makes no sense, according to what you've told, and it would make no sense, either way, since most addictions are related to underlying issues, not the addicting behavior itself. The second reason being: I've done the same thing extensively, myself. And I can safely say I've played more than you have. I've went through a phase thinking "I must be addicted to video games. I do nothing else all day long. I'll stop". And I do. And then I return, because I had nothing else I could find at the time to spend my time on. Bullied at home, bullied at school, lived relatively far from my friends (definitely no walking to where they lived). So I played, and played, and played some more. Eventually, not many years ago, I understood the problem. After much introspection - all of my life, basically, as I've always been one prone to intelectuality - I understood the problems. My childhood and teenage had greatly scarred me. Likely, open wounds, still, those which could never heal. It still hurt, everything that had been done to me, and I then understood that I used videogames both as a coping mechanism, and that I was just naturally attracted to them, especially strategy games.

No, drugs aren't the problem, it's the past, and present way of living. Think and act on your problems, and you'll be whomever you wish.

[Alvaro Bernardes]

I am exactly the same way; I have to be doing something while listening to podcasts, otherwise I get that little annoying voice saying "you should be doing something productive" in the back of my head.  Cycling is definitely one of my favorite "productive" activities as well.

 

Perhaps once in a while, when you get the urge to turn on the video games, try going out for a bike ride instead (while listening to FDR, of course), and see how you feel afterwards.  It might give you some insight as to whether or not you are craving the video games themselves or if you just have a positive association with them since that is when you are processing your emotions via FDR podcasts.  If you start logging more miles on the bike every week, you could use that to prove to yourself that you are making progress towards one of your goals (reducing your time playing video games).  Plus, the extra exercise will make you feel great! 

 

I'm going through a knee problem which should be fixed in the next 3 months, then I will follow your advice. even though cycling isn't "productive" as work is, it's much healthier and I don't feel bad for doing it.

I am so incredibly sorry you had this type of childhood.  I will say, for what it's worth, don't compare your 'achievements' based on what OTHERS expect of you.  It sounds like the people who raised you and the environment they kept you in was full of people who refused to let others 'rise above' them and so it was a race to the bottom.  So, with that said, the things OTHERS pressured on you AND sabotaged (pressuring you to get a girlfriend and then mocking you when you showed interest is horrible! ) is not your cross to bear in terms of feeling bad that you didn't achieve that, considering the conditions.

 

I hope your acknowledgment of your anger will be good fuel to achieve things you DO want.  It might take time for you to clear this anger which will then help you think more clearly on your goals you want to work on and achieve.  Maybe one is first...process this anger...that's a good goal to start with.  That isn't to say.  oh...don't be angry.  hell no.  you should be and weren't allowed so this is a good thing, just make sure you go about it in a healthy way.  If you can obtain a therapist or a counselor to facilitate you in this process to make sure you are going about it in a safe and productive way.  

 

You know, you mentioned wasting 7000 hours playing video games.  That is about 291 days.  Sometimes coming to these CLEAR facts about what we have or have not accumulated is a great way to snap out of our funk.  

 

My final observation and probably the most important for you to hear and will hopefully help kickstart your motivation......

that procrastination you feel is still your family being inside your head.  Meaning, they are STILL sabotaging you.  So every time you play a video game when you know you should be focusing on more prodcutive, self-helping type activities (work, self awareness, therapy, etc) KICK THEM OUT OF YOUR HEAD.  

 

They continue to exist in your head to keep you down, at their level.  They have conditioned you to procrastinate to feel hopeless to feel that dreams and achievement are stupid and worthless etc.  Don't let them be correct!  Don't validate what they say.  

 

It's not easy as turning off a switch but sometimes being aware of it can help you catch yourself 'in the act' and snap out of it.  

 

My favorite phrase or mantra is "don't be the monster they say you are or expect you to be".  

 

 

Thank you for your comment. Just to clarify one thing the pressure didn't come from my parents, but from my peers, though it was probably harder for me coming from them.

 

If you don't mind, would you expand on how to connect with your final observation? Let me clarify: Usually when I'm working my mindset just switches from getting enjoyment from being productive to wanting to play video games. It happens really fast, and usually when I finish some part of the work. When I start going to play video games I sometimes think to myself "I shouldn't be doing this", but ignore it and go play.

[regevdl]

I'm going through a knee problem which should be fixed in the next 3 months, then I will follow your advice. even though cycling isn't "productive" as work is, it's much healthier and I don't feel bad for doing it.

 

 

Thank you for your comment. Just to clarify one thing the pressure didn't come from my parents, but from my peers, though it was probably harder for me coming from them.

 

 

 

 

Sure, I'll be happy to do my best.  and BTW, thanks for the clarification in that the pressure came from the friends and not the family more often.  

 

Maybe if I offer some practical solutions you could try out to see how they work for you or adjust them to make them fit your needs?

I re-read my message and yours and these are the first things that came to mind as far as practical solutions.

 

If you are working and are productive and suddenly get the urge to play video games, set a timer.  Indulge in the impulse but set a timer for say, 20min or 45min.  Then, as you settle into this new approach, lower the video game time.  Example:  If you started limiting yourself to 45minutes, after a week/month, etc go down to 40 minutes or 35...etc

If you still have the urge after the timer is up or shortly after you leave the game, go on a walk, do some pushups, something constructive but distracting. 

OH!  and a quick daily ritual.... when you are finished gaming, put ALL the components where you cannot see them.  I am saying this based on the assumption that when you are done, you might put them in a spot near the TV but they can be seen, even when not in use.  If that is the case, put them in a box, a cabinet, cover them.  Each and every time.  

 

When we try to teach ourselves discipline, we ALWAYS need a backup.  It's not guaranteeing we will faulter but it's good to have a safety net to catch us and put us back on track that instant.  

 

That way you get what you want but don't go overboard and slowly you will trainyourself to have better self control.  The longterm objective is to be able to enjoy longer periods of productivity and even when you want to reward yourself with gaming, you won't let it consume you.  Be patient, it will take time but just do your best to be disciplined at it.  

 

Another method...quite unconventional is put a mirror where you can see yourself gaming.  I tried this when I tried to quit smoking or biting my nails, if I could SEE myself doing it.....I did it less.  So put a mirror in front of you where you can still game and you can see yourself doing it.  Trust me.... it can be intense but stick with it and I guarantee it will help curb some of the impulses.  

 

I don't think the objective is quit gaming alltogether.  Every has and needs a vice of some sort.  So be realistic and set goals (that can be altered as you achieve more and more).  But first discipline needs to be your foundation and that is what these exercises are for.  Once you have the discipline and can trust yourself that if you sit down and game you won't fall back into very long periods of gaming and no production.  Keep things in balance.  

 

So from time to time, physically write down (with pen and paper) and put on your door or refrigerator or gaming control device, et what you goal is.  Example:  My goal is to achieve x hours in production and will allow myself x hours/day/week of gaming.  or whatever it is you want to achieve.  Put it where you see it everyday, even several times a day.  

 

I would lastly suggest that after you put in a serious effort  on these (or your own methods catered to you) for about a month, see how you feel. If you feel you have more discipline but still need more work, kick it up a notch.  raise the stakes, make it a bit mroe challenging.  I would suggest then, adding ONE new interest per month.  It doesn't mean you have to participate in that interest (that would be ideal) but LEARN.  That way you are training your brain to be curious and actively searching for different and constructive stimuli rather than having the gaming as you 'only' escape or vice for lack of a better term.  

 

Best of luck. I hope these serve of some use.  if not, feel free to send me the feedback as that is useful too!