I struggle very hard with being myself?

[myclippedwings]

Hi guys just like the title says,

 

This anxiety has tortured me for most of my life, where I can just not seem to be myself around people??

I feel that if I be myself and show my true emotions, people won't like me for who I am??

I feel like they would rather see the "fake" me, the one who always smiles, jokes or conforms to the friend group?

 

I think this definitely stems from childhood, since my mother flat out made it clear to me how much she hated/rejected me when I pissed her off for no apparent reason whatsoever (ata a young age of course)? 

 

So I feel like I constantly have this anxiety with me in social situations where I fear this rejection/abandonment from people because deep down it feels like people will reject me just as my mother used to do to e when I was young?

 

It feels very painful when I realize this, but it's the truth? Of course my mom now regrets all the abuse she dished out to me when I was young, but now I have to suffer with these long term anxiety/depression effects?

 

So far Alice Miller's books and being authentic with my emotions, even the difficult ones like this anxiety has helped me so far?

 

I used to almost become reclusive and be addicted to video games/internet just to avoid these negative emotions on a daily basis??

 

Does anyone else have some advise or similar experiences to this? Can anyone shed some light on this??

I have been all alone with these feelings so far, I definitely cannot trust the people around me enough for me to share stuff like this with them

[Timi]

I`m in a similar situation so i know how hard and lonely it can feel. Unfortunately i don't have a solid solution for you other than jut keep trying and eventually you`ll find nice people who accept you for who you are. They are rare but they are out there.

 

We could always get to know each other and heal each other out if you want.  

[A4E]

Being authentic will probably drive away a portion of the people around you, which would likely result in you finding out who the quality people are.

 

So I would like to ask you this first: Do you want to respect yourself and do what is ultimately best for yourself in the long run, or do you want to keep all the people around you at the moment, and have them like you, with the fake person you have created?

 

This is important, because you are right in being scared that (some) people will not like you if you are real. But are you getting paid by the people around you to always be positive and always make them laugh? (or whatever else you are doing for them) Comedians get paid to entertain people, but they dont have to always self sacrifice to entertain their friends or family.

 

Also, do you want to be liked by as many people as possible? If so, why?

 

Another thing about the people around you now. I think they do not respect you. I remember now that I have actually been in your situation. I had little to no respect for myself, and little to no respect from others, because I was usually just trying to entertain those around me, and everyone picked up on that superfluous and shallow personality. This was partly due to me eating a pharmaceutical poison for years, because a lot of that junk will mess with your head. but thats another story. I was liked by mostly everyone, like an audience will like a clown for a while, but they had little to no respect for me as a person.

 

It was mainly a toxic environment, that only served to degrade me further as a person. Thankfully I stopped eating the artificial chemical, and gradually stopped entering into the toxic environment. Now my life is much better.

 

Maybe the solution for you might be the same it was for me, to (gradually) stop putting yourself in the situations where you turn into another person. You might see that the obligation you put on yourself to be mister happy positive guy will slowly fade away.

 

Your ultimate goal should be to respect your feelings and respect yourself no matter where you are or what you are doing. You do not need to be liked by as many people as possible. Life is way too short and valuable to go around pleasing or entertaining everyone with the self sacrifice that entails.

[regevdl]

THank you for sharing your deep and personal emotions and experience and I am sorry for the abuse you endured and the manifestations from that.  I can relate to your experience and hopefully provide anything useful for you.  My brief background was a strict, authoritative matriarchal religious background.  Spanking/slapping occurred and emotional neglect.  When Stefan speaks about children left in daycare experiencing symptoms of abandonment, my parents both worked from home and I didn't enter school until 1/2 days at kindergarten and I still experienced symptoms of neglect and abandonment.  For me, I think that is where my insecurities stem from.  Now, I still have insecurities and those same concerns but they do not rule my life anymore.  There are times where they are severely challenged and I do go through a 'pause' but always come out of t. 

 

I am happy o share some of the exercises I implemented in my life everyday until it became 2nd nature.

 

Become GOOD at something.  ...something respectable, productive, useful.  In this, you raise your confidence in obtaining a skill and will naturally orbit around others in that field who will give you constructive criticism and genuine praise. You might need to dabble in a few things to find what you enjoy AND are good at.  I am a quick learner and can be good/proficient or master many things but I didn't necessarily love or enjoy doing them at length or long term.  many ran their course and I moved on to other things.  But going on this egg-hunt of talent not only keeps you occupied  but obtaining skills, meeting people in those fields who are supportive AND helps you mold and shape and trim up the edges of who YOU really are which will help you behave as...well... YOU  :->

 

I will say, I am 36 and I lived a lot of my life in the 'pleasing others' or 'hiding myself in plain sight' etc and it's exhausting and not sustainable, so the sooner you unravel this, the better in the long run (as I'm sure you are fully aware.)

 

So, always use that as your motivation.  I would have a question that I would always ask myself that would work most of the time to calm my anxieties and put things in perspective.  (feel free to use it or come up with your own).  That was..... will this person (who I care if they like me) still be a significant part of my life in a year, 5 years, 10 years, etc.    So the answer to that WILL determine the level of anxiety I should exercise.  

 

In practical terms, if I showed a little part of my true self to someone and they reacted negatively, then I would later sit an ponder what this person really is to me in my life now and how they would fit into my future or IF they would fit into my future.  A real life occurance of mine.  I had a 'friend' and we worked together, took smoke breaks together, I tried to click with her other circle of friends which was BRUTAL, etc.  I told her I wanted to quit smoking and she freaked out on me.  At that moment, I realized I invested 2+ years in our 'friendship' was always supportive....even of things that I shouldn't have been supported of for her and she is not happy that I am trying to improve myself.  So, I confronted her about my experience of her behavior and she again, flipped out.  I asked myself....do I seriously see this person in my life in a year from now?  If so, can I handle the next year (+)either showing her who I am and her flipping out each time or HER eventually ending the friendship from her intolerance or supressing who I am.  As those would be the only options.

 

 So, I told her I cannot continue this and left it at that.  She attempted to contact me and reconcile and I resisted.  I felt guilty one day and relieved the next.  It was HARD but in the end was one of the BEST moves I could have made.  

 

So in that, I just showed a fraction of my true self and simultaneously removed one person of a whole network in my life of someone who didn't approve which made space for a future 'candidate' to fill who DID approve of my life (coincidentally...my now husband!) 

 

So I did it in a very systematic approach.  I started with small and seemingly non-threatining 'about me' issues and people's reaction told me all I needed to know.  

 

If it was someone in my life or I perceived to be in my life awhile I made sure it was for good reasons..for them AND for me.  I made it a point to 'check in' with those people and have more open, deep conversations.  Sadly, even among some of them, it was too much and we parted ways..and the ones who remained are golden.  

 

This may not be philosophical but I used the phrase on myself of 'fake it to make it'.  I know that sounds disingenuous but the way I applied it was ONLY when I needed confidence.  There were MANY times where I forced myself to interact in groups, mingle at parties to get experience and practice.  Sometimes I failed miserably but always reminded myself it was not in vain.  It taught me what worked and what didn't and careful not to conform to others just to avoid the bad feeling.  

 

When I needed to be confident at job interviews I had to really fake it without looking fake or without overcompensating.  Or when I would go out with 'friends' there were common conversations or behaviors that repeated that I always wanted to resist but didn't want to rock the boat or be mocked.  So many times, I would fake confidence to speak up and fake confidence to take on the backlash and insults from the idiots around me.  Sometimes I would leave the situation if they were persistant or my confident but not threatening/non judging tone would be enough. 

 

Another unconventional trick I use is I plan ahead conversations.  That sounds super weird or sinister but I imagine conversations that are likely to pop up with the people in my circle that might challenge my confidence, etc.  Since I know these pepole and their personality, I have the 2 way conversation in my head in how I assume they would respond (realistically) and how I would respond to them.  

I would NOT then go and force that conversation on anyone, simply go about and if it happened it happened, if not, at least I had the preparation that helped me step into the world prepared.  

 

Now, I live in a foreign country and I do that with the foreign language.  Like before I go to the store, I always have certain phrases that challenge me so I prepare common questions before I leave the house in case I need them while running errands.  lol!  

 

Anyway, I hope those are a few points to mull over.  Good luck!! 

[BaylorPRSer]

In my view, the solution is to "experiment with" being yourself.  I think Stef is definitely an advocate of being yourself, but he has also cautioned against spewing all of your baggage on new people in one fell swoop.  I have an example that will hopefully illustrate my point:

 

One time I was drunk and stoned, and told a friend who I'd known for probably 3 weeks that back in college my roommate hung himself. In almost the same breath, I then told him that fall I had a serious girlfriend who eventually threatened to kill herself.  He didn't really know what to do with that information.  He also gave me no indicators that he was particularly into self=knowledge.  

 

However, a few nights ago, I was eating at a kebab place and two fairly attractive girls sat at the table next to me.  I am in Vietnam currently, so the go to conversation starter with anyone who isn't Asian is "where are you travelling from?"  They were from Holland, and we made some basic small talk.  

 

They were on vacation whereas I am an expat, so one of them asked "why Vietnam?"

 

I said that the free time had a lot to do with it, and that I had some unhealed stuff from past friendships and relationships.  

 

She then finished my sentence and said, "so you could think about it?"

 

I nodded.

 

She immediately asked, "how old are you?"

 

I loved that she asked this question at that moment.  Part of the reason I made the decision to go was because it's better to heal SOONER as OPPOSED to later.  The fact that she asked that question when she did means that on some level, she understood my reasoning.  

 

I didn't have my phone on me and didn't bother getting their numbers, but I told the about a coffee shop where I and other expats/vacationers hang out and said "maybe I'll see you there".  Her smile was cheek to cheek.  Despite the fact I didn't make much use of it, there is no doubt that they enjoyed the interaction.  Especially the one who did most of the talking.  I was being very vulnerable by saying that I was in Vietnam to pursue healing; however, the degree to which I presented the whole picture was significantly less than when I told my friend that my roommate hung himself on my ceiling fan and then dated a chick that threatened to kill herself.  I also had no context, when I told him that.  

 

It was only through experimentation that I discovered how to make "being myself" work for me.  I'm still experimenting.  Up until that interaction with those girls when people asked me "why Vietnam?" I never mentioned that I was pursuing healing.  When the context is there, be honest, but feel free to spare some of the gory details when you're in the beginning stages of getting to know people.

 

Hope this helps and let me know if it doesn't make sense.

[David Ottinger]

According to the IFS model, there is a part of you that holds all these feelings, and then there is a manager/protector trying to limit your exposure to them.   If you approach these aspects of yourself with curiosity and appreciation, you may find a way to upgrade them to the current environment you face.  Hopefully, when you establish that connection with this side of you, you embrace a parental role in order to re-nurture this side of yours.  Soon enough, you'll find that it's you who you've been looking for and waiting for the whole time. 

[hewiestolarz]

Be honest, and don't interact with people you don't have a safe bond with, like random peers or some faces in a party, because these unpredictable situations have a much bigger risk of rejection, and even after you learned how to be honest around the closest friends, those high-risk situations easily make you fall back into the trap. It is still going to be terribly difficult, as for rejected children the acceptance of others is like a life or death question, and every time you express an honest feeling, you will might also experience some sort of panic, like "ohmylord, this must be unpleasing for my partner to hear" and all the anxiety and fear and fast-beating heart coming with it, as you are programmed from childhood to think, that honesty or not pleasing your partner must be followed by the abandonment and pain.  

But the people you have a safe bond with hopefully wont reject you for your honesty, and by practicing it should become easier and easier later on. It is a very long time process, very painful and difficult, and it might requires a supporting and honest partner.

 

I hope it helps.

[myclippedwings]

According to the IFS model, there is a part of you that holds all these feelings, and then there is a manager/protector trying to limit your exposure to them.   If you approach these aspects of yourself with curiosity and appreciation, you may find a way to upgrade them to the current environment you face.  Hopefully, when you establish that connection with this side of you, you embrace a parental role in order to re-nurture this side of yours.  Soon enough, you'll find that it's you who you've been looking for and waiting for the whole time. 

I'm not really into IFS, I'm more into Alice Miller's concepts.

 

But I kind of agree with the part about nurturing myself?

 

I guess I constantly seek approval from others so that I indirectly make other people nurture me? But the more I pay attention and care about my own feelings, the more I learn that I can only nurture myself, so yes, it is myself who I am desperately looking for all along , isn't that sad?

THank you for sharing your deep and personal emotions and experience and I am sorry for the abuse you endured and the manifestations from that.  I can relate to your experience and hopefully provide anything useful for you.  My brief background was a strict, authoritative matriarchal religious background.  Spanking/slapping occurred and emotional neglect.  When Stefan speaks about children left in daycare experiencing symptoms of abandonment, my parents both worked from home and I didn't enter school until 1/2 days at kindergarten and I still experienced symptoms of neglect and abandonment.  For me, I think that is where my insecurities stem from.  Now, I still have insecurities and those same concerns but they do not rule my life anymore.  There are times where they are severely challenged and I do go through a 'pause' but always come out of t. 

 

I am happy o share some of the exercises I implemented in my life everyday until it became 2nd nature.

 

Become GOOD at something.  ...something respectable, productive, useful.  In this, you raise your confidence in obtaining a skill and will naturally orbit around others in that field who will give you constructive criticism and genuine praise. You might need to dabble in a few things to find what you enjoy AND are good at.  I am a quick learner and can be good/proficient or master many things but I didn't necessarily love or enjoy doing them at length or long term.  many ran their course and I moved on to other things.  But going on this egg-hunt of talent not only keeps you occupied  but obtaining skills, meeting people in those fields who are supportive AND helps you mold and shape and trim up the edges of who YOU really are which will help you behave as...well... YOU  :->

 

I will say, I am 36 and I lived a lot of my life in the 'pleasing others' or 'hiding myself in plain sight' etc and it's exhausting and not sustainable, so the sooner you unravel this, the better in the long run (as I'm sure you are fully aware.)

 

So, always use that as your motivation.  I would have a question that I would always ask myself that would work most of the time to calm my anxieties and put things in perspective.  (feel free to use it or come up with your own).  That was..... will this person (who I care if they like me) still be a significant part of my life in a year, 5 years, 10 years, etc.    So the answer to that WILL determine the level of anxiety I should exercise.  

 

In practical terms, if I showed a little part of my true self to someone and they reacted negatively, then I would later sit an ponder what this person really is to me in my life now and how they would fit into my future or IF they would fit into my future.  A real life occurance of mine.  I had a 'friend' and we worked together, took smoke breaks together, I tried to click with her other circle of friends which was BRUTAL, etc.  I told her I wanted to quit smoking and she freaked out on me.  At that moment, I realized I invested 2+ years in our 'friendship' was always supportive....even of things that I shouldn't have been supported of for her and she is not happy that I am trying to improve myself.  So, I confronted her about my experience of her behavior and she again, flipped out.  I asked myself....do I seriously see this person in my life in a year from now?  If so, can I handle the next year (+)either showing her who I am and her flipping out each time or HER eventually ending the friendship from her intolerance or supressing who I am.  As those would be the only options.

 

 So, I told her I cannot continue this and left it at that.  She attempted to contact me and reconcile and I resisted.  I felt guilty one day and relieved the next.  It was HARD but in the end was one of the BEST moves I could have made.  

 

So in that, I just showed a fraction of my true self and simultaneously removed one person of a whole network in my life of someone who didn't approve which made space for a future 'candidate' to fill who DID approve of my life (coincidentally...my now husband!) 

 

So I did it in a very systematic approach.  I started with small and seemingly non-threatining 'about me' issues and people's reaction told me all I needed to know.  

 

If it was someone in my life or I perceived to be in my life awhile I made sure it was for good reasons..for them AND for me.  I made it a point to 'check in' with those people and have more open, deep conversations.  Sadly, even among some of them, it was too much and we parted ways..and the ones who remained are golden.  

 

This may not be philosophical but I used the phrase on myself of 'fake it to make it'.  I know that sounds disingenuous but the way I applied it was ONLY when I needed confidence.  There were MANY times where I forced myself to interact in groups, mingle at parties to get experience and practice.  Sometimes I failed miserably but always reminded myself it was not in vain.  It taught me what worked and what didn't and careful not to conform to others just to avoid the bad feeling.  

 

When I needed to be confident at job interviews I had to really fake it without looking fake or without overcompensating.  Or when I would go out with 'friends' there were common conversations or behaviors that repeated that I always wanted to resist but didn't want to rock the boat or be mocked.  So many times, I would fake confidence to speak up and fake confidence to take on the backlash and insults from the idiots around me.  Sometimes I would leave the situation if they were persistant or my confident but not threatening/non judging tone would be enough. 

 

Another unconventional trick I use is I plan ahead conversations.  That sounds super weird or sinister but I imagine conversations that are likely to pop up with the people in my circle that might challenge my confidence, etc.  Since I know these pepole and their personality, I have the 2 way conversation in my head in how I assume they would respond (realistically) and how I would respond to them.  

I would NOT then go and force that conversation on anyone, simply go about and if it happened it happened, if not, at least I had the preparation that helped me step into the world prepared.  

 

Now, I live in a foreign country and I do that with the foreign language.  Like before I go to the store, I always have certain phrases that challenge me so I prepare common questions before I leave the house in case I need them while running errands.  lol!  

 

Anyway, I hope those are a few points to mull over.  Good luck!! 

Thank you very much for your advice, I sometimes "try" to be myself to see the "consequence"?

 

By consequences I mean that I always feel that I will get punished for being myself by either being abandoned, labelled as boring or just as inferior by other people?

 

But thankfully most of the time, I see that it's quite the opposite, I really do filter out the shitty people by being myself...

Being authentic will probably drive away a portion of the people around you, which would likely result in you finding out who the quality people are.

 

So I would like to ask you this first: Do you want to respect yourself and do what is ultimately best for yourself in the long run, or do you want to keep all the people around you at the moment, and have them like you, with the fake person you have created?

 

This is important, because you are right in being scared that (some) people will not like you if you are real. But are you getting paid by the people around you to always be positive and always make them laugh? (or whatever else you are doing for them) Comedians get paid to entertain people, but they dont have to always self sacrifice to entertain their friends or family.

 

Also, do you want to be liked by as many people as possible? If so, why?

 

Another thing about the people around you now. I think they do not respect you. I remember now that I have actually been in your situation. I had little to no respect for myself, and little to no respect from others, because I was usually just trying to entertain those around me, and everyone picked up on that superfluous and shallow personality. This was partly due to me eating a pharmaceutical poison for years, because a lot of that junk will mess with your head. but thats another story. I was liked by mostly everyone, like an audience will like a clown for a while, but they had little to no respect for me as a person.

 

It was mainly a toxic environment, that only served to degrade me further as a person. Thankfully I stopped eating the artificial chemical, and gradually stopped entering into the toxic environment. Now my life is much better.

 

Maybe the solution for you might be the same it was for me, to (gradually) stop putting yourself in the situations where you turn into another person. You might see that the obligation you put on yourself to be mister happy positive guy will slowly fade away.

 

Your ultimate goal should be to respect your feelings and respect yourself no matter where you are or what you are doing. You do not need to be liked by as many people as possible. Life is way too short and valuable to go around pleasing or entertaining everyone with the self sacrifice that entails.

This podcast by Stefan sums up everything about how I feel about this: http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_720_The_Hell_Of_Attempted_Connection.mp3

 

Basically, I still have these feelings of being abandoned, rejected, labelled as inferior that are all from the past, but because I have not faced them/processed them. It is as if people will reject me in the present?

 

Luckily I have tried to be myself a lot more now since arriving at university. I would rather be good friends with a few people who care about me, rather than sell my self out and be a tag along for the group of people who will never appreciate me.

 

The more and more I admit to feeling bad (from the past), the more I recognize the pattern, the easier it is to control my behaviour, the easier it is to make choices and the easier it is to deal with people. And most importantly the more I realize that I can't control people, I can never make people love me and fill that void that I have from repressing my feelings?

 

That's another reason for this, like I stated earlier, all this seeking for validation seems to be another way of me trying to nurture myself through other people?? Through, Stefan, Alice Miller and by validating my negative feelings, I realize more and more that the best person to nurture myself is myself, as straightforward and common sense as it seems.

 

Coming from my abusive background, where I had to have no needs of my own to please my parents, it is really hard to do, because of the tremendous fear and anxiety that stands in the way like a massive roadblock :/

 

And this roadblock is the crossroads where either two things happen:

 

1) I massively repress this anxiety and fear, which causes depression. I have no choices, my life never changes, I am a born loser and it will never change? And neither myself, nor other people like me? I feel a massive void inside, and I fill this with addiction...

 

2)I Admit to it, feel it and try to understand it. Suddenly I recognize my behaviour for what it is, and I can see people for who they are. Now I have clear choices to make to take care of my inner self?

Be honest, and don't interact with people you don't have a safe bond with, like random peers or some faces in a party, because these unpredictable situations have a much bigger risk of rejection, and even after you learned how to be honest around the closest friends, those high-risk situations easily make you fall back into the trap. It is still going to be terribly difficult, as for rejected children the acceptance of others is like a life or death question, and every time you express an honest feeling, you will might also experience some sort of panic, like "ohmylord, this must be unpleasing for my partner to hear" and all the anxiety and fear and fast-beating heart coming with it, as you are programmed from childhood to think, that honesty or not pleasing your partner must be followed by the abandonment and pain.  

But the people you have a safe bond with hopefully wont reject you for your honesty, and by practicing it should become easier and easier later on. It is a very long time process, very painful and difficult, and it might requires a supporting and honest partner.

 

I hope it helps.

That's what I realized as well...

 

I have been so used to focusing on the needs of others, their emotional reactions, their opinions of me that whenever I look within for some inner life to share with others, there is more than often a sense of emptiness. Just like you, I just switch off and can't talk, because either I am afraid of being rejected for what I say, or I have repressed my feelings so heavily there is nothing inside for me to share with other people in a conversation?

 

If we don't get validation from our parents, and then in turn we don't learn how to validate ourselves in adulthood, then we are only left with one option: squeezing validation from those around you. Which just feels like daily mental torture. Because the more you focus all your attention on getting validation from others, the more you neglect validating yourself. And it's just a daily cycle of the anxiety of rejection, the disappointment of not getting validated, followed by the depression of avoiding the pain of rejection and finally closing the cycle by more repression through addiction to get through the depression.

 

Luckily, I do not feel pessimistic about this, rather optimistic, because being myself really works, it really does give you that clarity of find to recognize the choices you have in front of you (in other words, freedom). I have always, ALWAYS felt more happy, satisfied and better off(I still feel negatively, doesn't mean that I only feel positive all the time)being myself, than when I give in to my fear and look for validation.

Be honest, and don't interact with people you don't have a safe bond with, like random peers or some faces in a party, because these unpredictable situations have a much bigger risk of rejection, and even after you learned how to be honest around the closest friends, those high-risk situations easily make you fall back into the trap. It is still going to be terribly difficult, as for rejected children the acceptance of others is like a life or death question, and every time you express an honest feeling, you will might also experience some sort of panic, like "ohmylord, this must be unpleasing for my partner to hear" and all the anxiety and fear and fast-beating heart coming with it, as you are programmed from childhood to think, that honesty or not pleasing your partner must be followed by the abandonment and pain.  

But the people you have a safe bond with hopefully wont reject you for your honesty, and by practicing it should become easier and easier later on. It is a very long time process, very painful and difficult, and it might requires a supporting and honest partner.

 

I hope it helps.

That's what I realized as well...

 

I have been so used to focusing on the needs of others, their emotional reactions, their opinions of me that whenever I look within for some inner life to share with others, there is more than often a sense of emptiness. Just like you, I just switch off and can't talk, because either I am afraid of being rejected for what I say, or I have repressed my feelings so heavily there is nothing inside for me to share with other people in a conversation?

 

If we don't get validation from our parents, and then in turn we don't learn how to validate ourselves in adulthood, then we are only left with one option: squeezing validation from those around you. Which just feels like daily mental torture. Because the more you focus all your attention on getting validation from others, the more you neglect validating yourself. And it's just a daily cycle of the anxiety of rejection, the disappointment of not getting validated, followed by the depression of avoiding the pain of rejection and finally closing the cycle by more repression through addiction to get through the depression.

 

Luckily, I do not feel pessimistic about this, rather optimistic, because being myself really works, it really does give you that clarity of find to recognize the choices you have in front of you (in other words, freedom). I have always, ALWAYS felt more happy, satisfied and better off(I still feel negatively, doesn't mean that I only feel positive all the time)being myself, than when I give in to my fear and look for validation.

Be honest, and don't interact with people you don't have a safe bond with, like random peers or some faces in a party, because these unpredictable situations have a much bigger risk of rejection, and even after you learned how to be honest around the closest friends, those high-risk situations easily make you fall back into the trap. It is still going to be terribly difficult, as for rejected children the acceptance of others is like a life or death question, and every time you express an honest feeling, you will might also experience some sort of panic, like "ohmylord, this must be unpleasing for my partner to hear" and all the anxiety and fear and fast-beating heart coming with it, as you are programmed from childhood to think, that honesty or not pleasing your partner must be followed by the abandonment and pain.  

But the people you have a safe bond with hopefully wont reject you for your honesty, and by practicing it should become easier and easier later on. It is a very long time process, very painful and difficult, and it might requires a supporting and honest partner.

 

I hope it helps.

That's what I realized as well...

 

I have been so used to focusing on the needs of others, their emotional reactions, their opinions of me that whenever I look within for some inner life to share with others, there is more than often a sense of emptiness. Just like you, I just switch off and can't talk, because either I am afraid of being rejected for what I say, or I have repressed my feelings so heavily there is nothing inside for me to share with other people in a conversation?

 

If we don't get validation from our parents, and then in turn we don't learn how to validate ourselves in adulthood, then we are only left with one option: squeezing validation from those around you. Which just feels like daily mental torture. Because the more you focus all your attention on getting validation from others, the more you neglect validating yourself. And it's just a daily cycle of the anxiety of rejection, the disappointment of not getting validated, followed by the depression of avoiding the pain of rejection and finally closing the cycle by more repression through addiction to get through the depression.

 

Luckily, I do not feel pessimistic about this, rather optimistic, because being myself really works, it really does give you that clarity of find to recognize the choices you have in front of you (in other words, freedom). I have always, ALWAYS felt more happy, satisfied and better off(I still feel negatively, doesn't mean that I only feel positive all the time)being myself, than when I give in to my fear and look for validation.

Be honest, and don't interact with people you don't have a safe bond with, like random peers or some faces in a party, because these unpredictable situations have a much bigger risk of rejection, and even after you learned how to be honest around the closest friends, those high-risk situations easily make you fall back into the trap. It is still going to be terribly difficult, as for rejected children the acceptance of others is like a life or death question, and every time you express an honest feeling, you will might also experience some sort of panic, like "ohmylord, this must be unpleasing for my partner to hear" and all the anxiety and fear and fast-beating heart coming with it, as you are programmed from childhood to think, that honesty or not pleasing your partner must be followed by the abandonment and pain.  

But the people you have a safe bond with hopefully wont reject you for your honesty, and by practicing it should become easier and easier later on. It is a very long time process, very painful and difficult, and it might requires a supporting and honest partner.

 

I hope it helps.

That's what I realized as well...

 

I have been so used to focusing on the needs of others, their emotional reactions, their opinions of me that whenever I look within for some inner life to share with others, there is more than often a sense of emptiness. Just like you, I just switch off and can't talk, because either I am afraid of being rejected for what I say, or I have repressed my feelings so heavily there is nothing inside for me to share with other people in a conversation?

 

If we don't get validation from our parents, and then in turn we don't learn how to validate ourselves in adulthood, then we are only left with one option: squeezing validation from those around you. Which just feels like daily mental torture. Because the more you focus all your attention on getting validation from others, the more you neglect validating yourself. And it's just a daily cycle of the anxiety of rejection, the disappointment of not getting validated, followed by the depression of avoiding the pain of rejection and finally closing the cycle by more repression through addiction to get through the depression.

 

Luckily, I do not feel pessimistic about this, rather optimistic, because being myself really works, it really does give you that clarity of find to recognize the choices you have in front of you (in other words, freedom). I have always, ALWAYS felt more happy, satisfied and better off(I still feel negatively, doesn't mean that I only feel positive all the time)being myself, than when I give in to my fear and look for validation.

Be honest, and don't interact with people you don't have a safe bond with, like random peers or some faces in a party, because these unpredictable situations have a much bigger risk of rejection, and even after you learned how to be honest around the closest friends, those high-risk situations easily make you fall back into the trap. It is still going to be terribly difficult, as for rejected children the acceptance of others is like a life or death question, and every time you express an honest feeling, you will might also experience some sort of panic, like "ohmylord, this must be unpleasing for my partner to hear" and all the anxiety and fear and fast-beating heart coming with it, as you are programmed from childhood to think, that honesty or not pleasing your partner must be followed by the abandonment and pain.  

But the people you have a safe bond with hopefully wont reject you for your honesty, and by practicing it should become easier and easier later on. It is a very long time process, very painful and difficult, and it might requires a supporting and honest partner.

 

I hope it helps.

That's what I realized as well...

 

I have been so used to focusing on the needs of others, their emotional reactions, their opinions of me that whenever I look within for some inner life to share with others, there is more than often a sense of emptiness. Just like you, I just switch off and can't talk, because either I am afraid of being rejected for what I say, or I have repressed my feelings so heavily there is nothing inside for me to share with other people in a conversation?

 

If we don't get validation from our parents, and then in turn we don't learn how to validate ourselves in adulthood, then we are only left with one option: squeezing validation from those around you. Which just feels like daily mental torture. Because the more you focus all your attention on getting validation from others, the more you neglect validating yourself. And it's just a daily cycle of the anxiety of rejection, the disappointment of not getting validated, followed by the depression of avoiding the pain of rejection and finally closing the cycle by more repression through addiction to get through the depression.

 

Luckily, I do not feel pessimistic about this, rather optimistic, because being myself really works, it really does give you that clarity of find to recognize the choices you have in front of you (in other words, freedom). I have always, ALWAYS felt more happy, satisfied and better off(I still feel negatively, doesn't mean that I only feel positive all the time)being myself, than when I give in to my fear and look for validation.

[David Ottinger]

 

I'm not really into IFS, I'm more into Alice Miller's concepts.

 

But I kind of agree with the part about nurturing myself?

 

I guess I constantly seek approval from others so that I indirectly make other people nurture me? But the more I pay attention and care about my own feelings, the more I learn that I can only nurture myself, so yes, it is myself who I am desperately looking for all along , isn't that sad?

 

 

I'm assuming these questions are rhetorical, but correct me if I'm wrong.   And I am curious about the last one.  Why does that make you feel sad?

[regevdl]

However try to spin it more positively.  Meaning, it's not actually a punishment when people 'react negatively' to you being you.  they are doing you a favor in helping you see ALL that you need to see...gather all the information you need to make a healthy, positive decision for you.    

 

I know it feels uncomfortable in the moment but the sooner they are out of your immedidate orbit, the sooner that sting goes away and will stay away.  And by this, it's assumed that once you are yourself and they react negatively that you also call them out on how you are experiencing their behavior.  Their reaction to being called out in a calm, loving cricticism approach will tell you more about them.

 

I had a terrible experience with a mother of a school bully.  He bullied my son.  I approched her and she handled the situation TERRIBLY.  I later confronted her on the incident, not only the bullying from her son but how she did not respond to my feelings or observations when trying to communicate with her.  Even though I KNEW how she would react, I gave her a chance to do so, she has to prove to ME who she is.  I give everyone a chance.  

 

So she acted/reacted just as she had with everyone else and I made it clear to her that she is no longer part of our life, etc.  This was a very extreme case.  but the point is that don't judge only on their reaction to you because sometimes that can be startling to people..e.spcially if you have put up a 'facade' for so long.  Be sure to let them know how their reaction felt to you (good or bad!) and then go from there.  

 

Another example is a friend of mine tried doing a 'reverse troll' on his FB page.  He normally curses and makes crude jokes and such.  Then one day he made an announcement that he is stepping away from that and is following Jesus etc.  And based on his YEARS of ironic and reverse psychology humor, no one..not even his brother could tell if he was joking or not.  He went on with this for days.  It was interesting to see people's reaction.  THey were even MORE harsh in their weird sense of humor of bashign one another, than before.  It was so confusing.  I simply told him...if this is the real him just a new him and he's happy, then great.  If it's a social experiment...great.  lol  

 

It really showed him a LOT about his 'friends' and I think he deleted some of them in the end.  But to be fair, he didn't show empathy to his friends base because he literally did a 180/about-face which if people want to make an instant personality change and NOT expect people to be skeptical (they don't need to be cruel) then that is a bit unrealistic. 

 

So sorry to babble on, just wanted to throw out some caveats to help.  

[myclippedwings]

I'm assuming these questions are rhetorical, but correct me if I'm wrong.   And I am curious about the last one.  Why does that make you feel sad?

It feels a bit tragic because I constantly seek for others to fulfill me, but I didn't realize al along that I myself am the best person to fufill what I really want for myself?

I really have been raised, almost trained to behave like this in my childhood. As the most important thing was to behave, be a good boy and be obedient to get my parents approval. Rather than seeking approval internally from my own standards?

[David Ottinger]

It feels a bit tragic because I constantly seek for others to fulfill me, but I didn't realize al along that I myself am the best person to fufill what I really want for myself?

I really have been raised, almost trained to behave like this in my childhood. As the most important thing was to behave, be a good boy and be obedient to get my parents approval. Rather than seeking approval internally from my own standards?

 

I hope this new found autonomy brings you some relief.  I can see its still something you need to explore further, but you got it from what I can tell.  And, yeah, given the brief insight you've given us, it's clear it was an unfortunate experience you went through.  A tragedy of sorts.  And you're not alone in that.  The good thing is that now the doors of opportunity are open for you.  You can build your internal system however you want now, and in turn you fulfill yourself.  Whatever we put into practice we become. 

[Kurtis]

...  The good thing is that now the doors of opportunity are open for you.  You can build your internal system however you want now, and in turn you fulfill yourself.  Whatever we put into practice we become. 

 

I wanted to add onto what David said, which is a concept that came out of my therapy and was very useful for my healing. 

 

Which is the idea of being your own competent caretaker.  For those of us who were unfortunate enough to not have a competent caretaker during our childhoods when we needed one, there is a hole there that needs to be healed.  Speaking from my personal experience, my lack of competent caretakers created situations where I was neglected and or abused.  This led to me internalizing things and destroying my sense of self worth.

 

If you can find your way to self love and realizing you are worthy of love and care, then you can really start "rebuilding your internal system" as David said.  The current adult version of you, can be the competent caretaker for your inner child that needed, and still needs, that care. protection, and love.  The more you explore this, the more you will see how your entire being has been trying to take care of you all along (For example, by body sensations connected to your nervous system such as warnings of danger experienced as anxiety. Or messages from your subconscious expressed in dreams.)  

 

For me this concept led to some major trauma processing, but was under the guidance of a therapist.  The more people I meet who suffer from trauma, the more it seems to me that the finding of one's self worth is an integral component to healing... perhaps even the primary requirement.  

 

The more you act to nurture yourself, the more you will feel nurtured.  You do have the power within yourself to heal what was broken, to be your own competent caretaker.

[Dave Bockman]

Hi guys just like the title says,

 

This anxiety has tortured me for most of my life, where I can just not seem to be myself around people??

I feel that if I be myself and show my true emotions, people won't like me for who I am??

I feel like they would rather see the "fake" me, the one who always smiles, jokes or conforms to the friend group?

 

I think this definitely stems from childhood, since my mother flat out made it clear to me how much she hated/rejected me when I pissed her off for no apparent reason whatsoever (ata a young age of course)? 

 

So I feel like I constantly have this anxiety with me in social situations where I fear this rejection/abandonment from people because deep down it feels like people will reject me just as my mother used to do to e when I was young?

 

It feels very painful when I realize this, but it's the truth? Of course my mom now regrets all the abuse she dished out to me when I was young, but now I have to suffer with these long term anxiety/depression effects?

 

So far Alice Miller's books and being authentic with my emotions, even the difficult ones like this anxiety has helped me so far?

 

I used to almost become reclusive and be addicted to video games/internet just to avoid these negative emotions on a daily basis??

 

Does anyone else have some advise or similar experiences to this? Can anyone shed some light on this??

I have been all alone with these feelings so far, I definitely cannot trust the people around me enough for me to share stuff like this with them

 

This is something I've struggled with as well. When who we are as children is summarily rejected, ignored, degraded through neglect, outright insults, or disgust, that is an absolute anathema to us. The most powerful coping mechanism can be to become a kind of blank Etch-a-Sketch whereon other may write whatever they wish in order for us to perceive ourselves as 'useful', 'good', valuable', 'cool', 'one of the herd', etc.

 

I will say that for me, one of the hardest challenges is to understand *emotionally* that because I never experienced authentic nurturing love and intense enjoyment of my company from my parents when I was a child, I will *never* be able to experience those feelings as an adult. Intellectually, I get it. The hard part is connecting with those inner child parts, getting them to trust, and then giving those emotions to them from your adult-self, if that makes sense.

 

Adult relationships with others, no matter how fulfilling, will never fill that black hole of non-existent parental nurturing-- nor should it. People sure try though, with a variety of awful consequences.

 

Feelings of love, honoring the self, feelings of being nurtured and safe and GOOD ENOUGH, these all have to be self-generated as an adult. Expecting others to provide those feelings (or dulling the pain of their absence with alcohol drugs, promiscious sex, workaholism, religion, etc) will never work, it's asking a square peg to slide easily into a round hole.

 

I think it's awesome you're reading Alice MIller, she's absolutely fabulous. Another book I found very helpful for these specific issues you're strugging with is Honoring The Self: The Psychology of Confidence and Respect by Nathaniel Branden.

[myclippedwings]

This is something I've struggled with as well. When who we are as children is summarily rejected, ignored, degraded through neglect, outright insults, or disgust, that is an absolute anathema to us. The most powerful coping mechanism can be to become a kind of blank Etch-a-Sketch whereon other may write whatever they wish in order for us to perceive ourselves as 'useful', 'good', valuable', 'cool', 'one of the herd', etc.

 

I will say that for me, one of the hardest challenges is to understand *emotionally* that because I never experienced authentic nurturing love and intense enjoyment of my company from my parents when I was a child, I will *never* be able to experience those feelings as an adult. Intellectually, I get it. The hard part is connecting with those inner child parts, getting them to trust, and then giving those emotions to them from your adult-self, if that makes sense.

 

Adult relationships with others, no matter how fulfilling, will never fill that black hole of non-existent parental nurturing-- nor should it. People sure try though, with a variety of awful consequences.

 

Feelings of love, honoring the self, feelings of being nurtured and safe and GOOD ENOUGH, these all have to be self-generated as an adult. Expecting others to provide those feelings (or dulling the pain of their absence with alcohol drugs, promiscious sex, workaholism, religion, etc) will never work, it's asking a square peg to slide easily into a round hole.

 

I think it's awesome you're reading Alice MIller, she's absolutely fabulous. Another book I found very helpful for these specific issues you're strugging with is Honoring The Self: The Psychology of Confidence and Respect by Nathaniel Branden.

Sorry for the late reply Dave,

 

I bought Nathaniel Branden's book and it's absolutely amazing, I'm kinda sad I hadn't discovered it earlier as I just stuck to FDR and Alice Miller for so long. It's very hard staying true to my inner emotions as I get distracted by people around me playing the "get validation" game, which makes me feel pressured to look outward for validation again, rather than from my self?

 

But seriously thank you so much for the recommendation, I'm still rereading the book after I finished it. My favourite chapters are the one about the struggle for individuation and where he talks about people being raised from childhood to suppress their internal signals for external approval, pretty much the story of my life.