Rather Disturbing Discovery

[Snafui]

I never created an introduction because I didn't know whom to introduce. And although this isn't an introduction, it is quite revealing as that I am no longer who I once was--so says the wife. At this point it will do.

When I first took the ACE I had a score of 4; then I took it after a few months of therapy and had an 8; now, it's a 9. And unless someone went to prison and never told me that should stand.

I began EMDR in the Fall of 2014, using audible and tactile sensation alternating from one side to the other. Because I had been meditating since 7th grade this was quite enlightening as it enhanced my ability to focus.

One of the first areas of focus was an event that happened in 2nd grade because I drew a bat. It was around Halloween when I saw a PBS documentary about how bats were useful and critical to an ecosystem. So, I drew a very large bat on a joint art work with a girl from my class. She cried. She was terrified by the artwork of a 2nd grader. The teacher was telling her that it was OK, not to be scared, and that "bats aren't real." The teacher and I had a shouting match about the reality of bats. I spewed forth everything learned from the documentary. She had me cover it up with a tree. No one came to my defense.

Another altercation was in the library. A 6th grade bully took a record off the phonograph as I was listening to it. I threw a fit. The librarian came over, wrapped her hands around me, and carried me out of the library. I was kicking, screaming, and clawed her hands so viciously that it drew blood. "She had to wear bandages," my mother yelled.

A third incident was when a teacher had her hand on my shoulder leading me to the principal's office for kicking a girl. We were seated Indian Style (PC crowd get a grip!), as I adjusted my leg, it popped forward because it had gone numb. I apologized profusely but to no avail. The teacher's nails were digging into my shoulder as I tried to squirm away from her escort. I reached up and grabbed her wrist, then pulled--executing a rather deft martial arts throw for being untrained--she rolled down a hill of large lava rocks. The report was that I "beat up a teacher."

For one week I was kicked off the bus, so my mother hired a taxi to take me to school each morning and return me home. I was so embarrassed by this that I hiked the hills to get to school instead.

These events all happened in a few months time. I was expelled from Happy Valley Elementary (irony?), then expelled from a special needs school, followed by the whole school district. At least this is what my parents tell me. I have contacted the school, they have no records of this--you would think that if all this took place there would be a real, and quite serious, permanent record of events--although I have my report cards that ask my mother to take me to a psychiatrist, twice. My parents sent me to Saint Catherine's Military Academy by Thanksgiving.

And here comes the abandonment issues, but only to a certain degree because my mother was distant to begin with. She was quite detached as she had already lost three children: My eldest sister died 30 hours after birth; an older brother died at age 7; a still birth at 8 1/2 months. Also, I had another brother that was in a state hospital due to a broken chromosome issue. While sympathy, and even empathy, are not without merit, you don't leave an 8 year old to fend for himself to the point that he packs his own lunch and cooks his own meals. I could fix eggs by age 5. Although I have often noted that I learned to cook out of self defense because her cooking was quite bad (my sister taught me to cook!)

I am now at this boarding school, seated on my bed, staring at my hands, and wondering "what did I do so evil?" I envision bars on the windows. There are no other students because I was dropped off during Thanksgiving break. The isolation still hurts. Although, sadly, no emotions at all toward my mother for leaving me there, even during EMDR. The first day of school, a Commandant decided that he needed to swat me with a paddle for not knowing left from right quick enough, and it gave him the "opportunity to work on his golf swing." Following that I was beaten by an 8th grader because he wanted to be first in line to the canteen for the afternoon snack. With blood coming from my nose, tears from my eyes, a nun told me I was just homesick. I replied, "that's the last place I want to be."

How did I really get there? This is where I can thank therapy. During EMDR a pain in my chest began to stand out. A rather angry, spiked, black miasma with bright red eyes, inside a cage with runes on the bars to ensure he cannot get out, resides in the center of my chest. Also trapped within the miasma was a rare, male calico cat. The miasma was dubbed Chaos; the cat, Sherlock.

Sherlock likes to sit on a bed in a very large library. He is stoic, knowledgeable, and can delve secrets from everything he sees, hence the name. Chaos is quite acerbic, will use knowledge as a weapon, and will fight back in pure rage (that poor librarian).

Why the schism?

Not long ago, during another EMDR session while talking to Chaos, my right hand went numb and I felt pressure on my throat. I wanted to vomit. Having studied enough psychology I immediately realized what had happened.

During the time frame above, my older sister came into my room one night saying, "the guy that is watching us is in my bed and it is making me uncomfortable. Can I sleep with you?" Years later my step-father told a story about how he got rid of that same guy "threatened to call the cops and claim he raped our 12 year old daughter." I was shocked by this story. I immediately told my step-father about the night that my sister came into my room. My step-father was stunned. Wait, he didn't know? Recently, I asked my mother about that guy and she said that he had stolen jewelry from them and they chased him off. My mother has pieces of jewelry that could cover an ivy league collegiate education but didn't call the cops? Something didn't add up.
 
This guy had access to the house. My sister came to my room. My step-father didn't know about it. This guy supposedly stole jewelry. The cops were not called.

Was my mother not home that night?

My mother was probably with my step-father where he worked as an entertainer. My sister must have told her what happened. My mother had my step-father chase off that guy. They couldn't call the cops because she would have to explain where she was. Also, this was during custody issues with my father and my mother couldn't let him win. My mother was that self-centered! It was more important to save her own hide than get proper help for her children. That is seriously demented.

Now, after that last detour into the details of what caused the schism, I could finally address Chaos in that cage: He had a secret. One that he was not allowed to tell. I can hear my mother's voice through clenched teeth, "we do not talk of this!" This is why I watched PBS and read books at every opportunity. It was so I could think about, or talk about, anything but what had happened. The violent reaction that developed during this time came from being grabbed, pinned down and held by the throat--perhaps even a knife. And why I was not taken to psychiatrist. Because I was talking about it but no one would listen. A psychiatrist probably would have and my mother would have been exposed. Someone violated me in some sexual manner.
 
No, I am not able to recall what precisely happened, nor do I wish to. But the good news is that Chaos is no longer in a cage; he even smiles when I talk to him. Sherlock could still use a bit of help because no one has ever shown him any love--especially not his parents who hate "those academic types." That aspect will take time but now that Chaos is happy Sherlock is sure to follow. It is truly amazing what you can discover about yourself from therapy and how much it can help you relieve a burden.

Perhaps I should have an ACE of a 10; someone should have gone to jail--not Chaos.

[Anuojat]

That is a truly chilling and terribly discovery indeed. :S

 

This sorta thing sounds exactly like the idea that our mind repress very strong the most henious of acts committed by our parents or by those around us.

OR traumas that would be too much to bear.

 

I too have lot of "unspoken" memories that are barely there in sound of vision but still felt just as strongly as yours i soppose.

[regevdl]

I'm blown away by many things.  first your eloquent telling of your experience and your bravery and resolution to sharing such a personal, traumatic and heroic story.  Just everything wrapped in one.  So I am very sorry you had those experiences or repressed experiences and kudos for taking the necessary steps to process it in healthy and healing ways and sharing that with us here.

 

I have a question and if it's none of my business or you don't want to share,  I will totally understand but did you have any suspicion (before therapy or during) that you might have been sexually abused?  Or did the thought never cross your mind, even if you were aware of other 'parenting inadequacies' then or now.

 

I'll share why I am asking.  I am fully aware of the many bad parenting tactics used against me from my parents and teacher and community.  I have exhibited (as do my sisters) symptoms of trauma, neglect, emotional manipulation, and abandonment.  However, recently, the thought or suspicion entered my mind that I could have been sexually abused but don't remember it.  Obviously I am vary scared to go down that thought path but also cautious because that is a heavy accusation that cannot be taken back if proven false.  I haven't gone to therapy on this issue in particular as of yet. 

 

But...and this will sound very weird and I am not trying to justify the actions of my parents but we were an intact family, middle class, some spanking/slapping, college educated, religious (red flag! lol) etc   and what I am getting at is when I assess our 'symptoms' of me and my sisters, they come off pretty extreme for your typical upbringing in our surroundings.  (by using the word typical I am not justifying or minimizing it...just showing that it was average but yet me and my siblings exhibited far more destructive symptoms than other kids in our community with similar upbringings as children and how they have manifested as adults).  

 

I hope that made sense.  So it's making me wonder if more happend that I have totally blacked out of my consciousness and even subconscious.  

[Snafui]

regevdl, thank you for the kudos. 

I had no idea that it had happened to me until recently--I had only suspected what happened to my sister. There were certain details that finally led me, via EMDR, to this line of thinking. When I would try to talk to Chaos my mind would suddenly be thinking of anything but what I would ask him. He would distract me so much that I forgot I was even talking to him. It took a lot of mental effort to realize he was doing it on purpose. It was that strong of a block.

The following clues led to the realization that Chaos had a secret that we were not allowed to talk about:

 

After leaving boarding schools, starting in high school, people that were abused felt safe around me. I had countless people tell me about their abuse as children within minutes of meeting them. While this made me feel uncomfortable, I was always quite empathetic toward them. On the other hand, my sister, whom shared the abuser, was violent toward me. I have a scar on my arm where I blocked a knife she swung at my head because I didn't empty the dishwasher. Abuse victims can feel some camaraderie while those that share an abuser will often shun one another. I had begun to wonder, "am I in that clique?"

 

Adding to this mix was considering my sister's behaviors within just a couple of years of the incident: promiscuity, drugs, criminal activity (which she was never held accountable), and as an adult, an alcoholic. I have been studying sexual behavior for quite some time now (the book my avatar is reading is "Sex for Dummies") and a sign of sexual abuse is how young a person starts to have sex. I started at 11 and my sister by 13.

 

The time spent in therapy on abandonment issues and on Boarding School Syndrome didn't reveal much. Then it dawned on me that my violent behaviors started prior to being sent to boarding school but after living with my father during part of first grade. So this was a short window to consider. Something specific must have happened, something that would be uncommon to my experience.

 

So how did I then get Chaos to finally cooperate over piecing this together? Family Systems Therapy. At first I tried to be stern with him, the paternal approach--I remember Hawaii. Then the maternal approach--I remember that fight. The worst part, only because I thought Chaos was evil put on me at first, was realizing that I must address him as part of me, and as an equal to Sherlock, and being in that cage is his choice to make. The peaceful approach worked. I was finally able to coax those physiological responses out.

 

To the other part of parental response, I would have to say, my parents were purely egocentric. They had a public image to maintain. She knew she had failed and she felt, as at that time would be normal, that only the "lowly people" have that "stuff" happen to them. She felt superior and therefore it could not have happened. They tried to discipline it out of me, and when that failed, I was sent to boarding schools. When I did ask her about it she didn't ask why I thought that happened. She didn't probe my feelings with any empathy whatsoever. She said, "did not happen!!" (This was via texts btw.) So, in my case this is a bit beyond normal parenting for the time frame. To make maters worse, my half-brother was also sexually abused. When this became known she refused to take him to a psychiatrist, too. My brother was later arrested for transporting drugs. (ACE still a 9 that was when we were both adults and out of the house.)

 

As to whether a person should delve into these things or not? I did because my wife and I cannot sleep in the same bed; I had violent vocal out bursts; I would wake up in the middle of the night dripping sweat; I get so irritable I don't like being in the same room with myself. If you have symptoms that are keeping you from functioning properly then therapy could help. And you never know what you might discover. I'm a whole new person. My wife says I'm "too damn chipper all the time and it's weird!"

 

p.s. after typing all that up, I still feel I haven't answered your questions for some reason...

[regevdl]

You have....don't worry.   Thank you again for being so generous and sharing.  I am so sorry that anyone had to experience what you and your siblings did but very happy for you that you found resolution. 

 

For me, I don't feel impaired by my symptoms/suspicions so I am glad you used that as the 'benchmark' because I have overcome a lot of the negative manifestations (my sisters have not but I can only control myself).  And why I was going back and and forth of whether or not to dive into that issue as it might be more than I can handle and it's not longer a threat, if it ever existed at all, etc.  

 

Anyway, with all of that said, thank you so very much and continued success to you!

[Copper_Heart]

Hi,

 

First and foremost, I am truly sorry for what happened to you. I also wont to give you my respects for incredible sight you have, because, unlike many, you got somewhere really important.

 

I would have few questions for you, of a practical nature, if you do not mind.

 

How have you came to contact with Chaos and Sherlock? Was it sort of going deep in some trance like state? Some what between sleep and meditation?

 

And second, what books, having all that perspective, would you recommend?

[Snafui]

Hi,

 

First and foremost, I am truly sorry for what happened to you. I also wont to give you my respects for incredible sight you have, because, unlike many, you got somewhere really important.

 

I would have few questions for you, of a practical nature, if you do not mind.

 

How have you came to contact with Chaos and Sherlock? Was it sort of going deep in some trance like state? Some what between sleep and meditation?

 

And second, what books, having all that perspective, would you recommend?

 

Through EMDR the therapist and I began to focus on chronic pain in various parts of my body with the most persistent being a feeling centered in my chest. With EMDR you then focus on that feeling, on that location, you let what ever images and memories come to the surface, and then we would talk about those. Because emotions can shut down your access to logic, EMDR can help you detach emotions from events allowing you to relive them with a fresh perspective. During EMDR I was able to go into a twilight state which is right at the edge of falling asleep, when controlled this allows a deep, almost hallucinogenic state (some people can have those "out of body experiences"). That is where I met Chaos. Shortly after this I realized that Chaos was a miasma that covered Sherlock. And then that Chaos was holding Sherlock back. This split was rather telling because on the one hand if I get angry property damage can take place (always my own, or own body) because of long pent up anger from what happened as a child. With some events I am completely stoic and so calm that, according to friends and family, that's when it gets really scary. Chaos is a warning to get away; Sherlock means I am considering options on how to handle the threat. But now that I can readily see both of them contact is as simple as focusing on them. As of last weeks session with EMDR, Chaos is in the library with Sherlock. He looks like a small black kitten with red eyes and is climbing all over my books--good thing I didn't imagine collectibles on the shelves, too.

 

I could not easily recommend because your own therapist would be more able to pick what you need. I've read books on hypnosis, meditation, psychology, therapy, trauma, and more over a 40 year span. Some of this knowledge interfered with previous attempts at therapy because I knew what they were trying to do and Chaos always fought to keep a secret.

 

But...

 

For beginning meditation I would suggest the audio and book for "Heal Your Mind, Rewire Your Brain" by Patt Lind-Kyle. And "Mindfulness for Dummies" by Shamash Alidina was quite good because it points out the pros and cons where most do not. There are also meditation aids but they are not cheap, a biofeedback device can cost $70 or more.

 

For understanding internal dialogue I would recommend "Internal Family Systems Therapy" by Richard C. Schwartz (anyone a Spaceballs fan?!)

[Copper_Heart]

Through EMDR the therapist and I began to focus on chronic pain in various parts of my body with the most persistent being a feeling centered in my chest. With EMDR you then focus on that feeling, on that location, you let what ever images and memories come to the surface, and then we would talk about those. Because emotions can shut down your access to logic, EMDR can help you detach emotions from events allowing you to relive them with a fresh perspective. During EMDR I was able to go into a twilight state which is right at the edge of falling asleep, when controlled this allows a deep, almost hallucinogenic state (some people can have those "out of body experiences"). That is where I met Chaos. Shortly after this I realized that Chaos was a miasma that covered Sherlock. And then that Chaos was holding Sherlock back. This split was rather telling because on the one hand if I get angry property damage can take place (always my own, or own body) because of long pent up anger from what happened as a child. With some events I am completely stoic and so calm that, according to friends and family, that's when it gets really scary. Chaos is a warning to get away; Sherlock means I am considering options on how to handle the threat. But now that I can readily see both of them contact is as simple as focusing on them. As of last weeks session with EMDR, Chaos is in the library with Sherlock. He looks like a small black kitten with red eyes and is climbing all over my books--good thing I didn't imagine collectibles on the shelves, too.

 

I could not easily recommend because your own therapist would be more able to pick what you need. I've read books on hypnosis, meditation, psychology, therapy, trauma, and more over a 40 year span. Some of this knowledge interfered with previous attempts at therapy because I knew what they were trying to do and Chaos always fought to keep a secret.

 

But...

 

For beginning meditation I would suggest the audio and book for "Heal Your Mind, Rewire Your Brain" by Patt Lind-Kyle. And "Mindfulness for Dummies" by Shamash Alidina was quite good because it points out the pros and cons where most do not. There are also meditation aids but they are not cheap, a biofeedback device can cost $70 or more.

 

For understanding internal dialogue I would recommend "Internal Family Systems Therapy" by Richard C. Schwartz (anyone a Spaceballs fan?!)

 

Wow. This is just amazing. It never ends to amaze me how coherent everything really is when you start digging.

 

You mentioned chest pain. I also have it. It never goes away even at moments when I am happy or act happy. For me it is happiness and desire to cry. How is it for you? I also have strong sensation in middle of my palms, I later read in books that it means fear -- get a stone or climb the tree, probably.

 

Actually when a doctor asked me where it hearts, pain became kind of foggy and I never could have point to it's position, except in most general terms.

 

One question you said your Sherlock was locked in a runed cage, was the cage locking Sherlock or chaos or both of them? You said "I am completely stoic and so calm that, according to friends and family, that's when it gets really scary." Can you explain a bit? Like you are scarred inside or people around you or the situation?

 

 

This split was rather telling because on the one hand if I get angry property damage can take place (always my own, or own body) because of long pent up anger from what happened as a child.

 

Here I am not sure, who represents what? Cat's are usually fierce animals and Chaos seams more like a psychological portrait of fear. It also seams so because Chaos is holding Sherlock and so does the cage. What is Chaos made of?

 

So if the cage represents your will power -- I assume it does -- then runes represent reason, because they are letters? Can you read them?

 

I know it may be all very personal, so you obviously do not have to answer. I am probably more exited then I should be...

[Snafui]

The chest pain was a dull ache for as long as I could remember. Thanks to the EMDR and finding its source it has vanished.

 

The runes on the cage were just odd symbols, nothing legible, and as it turns out that was to keep the secret inside. Also, Chaos was alone in the cage at first; Sherlock was divided later once it was realized that Chaos was a miasma that covered Sherlock. Through the therapy it was revealed that I had a feeling that "evil was put on me," that it wasn't an act I had actually done. When that feeling came to light it we knew there was something much darker in that cage.

 

Those that know me will see me get angry they know I might yell or act out, sometimes breaking things with my bare hands--nothing serious, usually junk. This is just to let off steam. But if I remain too calm for the situation people know I am preparing to act. This comes from being bipolar where I have some control over the fight-or-flight response--I covered that here. It would be foreign to anyone seeing it and that's why it scares people.

 

Did I get everything?

[Copper_Heart]

I am sorry I have not answered, I was expecting to receive a notification. Not accustomed to how this plays works, so far.

 

Every thing you told me was extremely useful and interesting. I am very grateful for your replying. I used this knowledge in my self therapy and gave me an outright result. Great insight really.

 

Theres is this therm in neurophysiology called "memory reconsolidation". It is names a process by which all deep psychological changes happen. I think it can be useful in order to change your "breaking habit". What it says is that to change some emotional learning you need to find it's rasón d'etre  and then find a disconfirming knowledge.

 

Actually I also am prone to breaking things, but because I am very hard to anger I have done it only once in my life: I made a mess out of the house some body even called police.