BradleyHillman Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Misleading title, sorry, but it's still true in a sense. Stefan Molyneux, and his team at freedomainradio, are responsible for improving my life tenfold at least. I was a depressed socialist "progressive" when I left high school and I really needed to learn critical thinking. The philosophy I picked up from FDR's videos and podcast can easily be pointed at as the medicine that saved my life. There is very little chance I could've turned things around if I stayed on the path I was on. The most toxic thing about my past mindset was that I was always making excuses and blaming other people for my situation and my actions. Taking responsibility for myself has been a breath of fresh air, though the embarassment from the past is sometimes hard to think about without cringing. Aside from just the philosophy of it all though I picked up a lot of knowledge. In fact, I picked up a love of learning that was beaten out of me by the school system and family who was less-than-welcoming of questions regarding serious things like religion or the morality of spanking. I still smoke marijuana every day, a habit that is still having a profoundly negative effect on my life and relationship, but I've begun to recognize things don't have to be this way anymore. I know that I will always be an addict. Always. Largely as a result of the amphetamines I was on since I was a small child. I want to take an abstinence based approach to quitting drugs and staying clean. I plan to start the process soon. How soon? Probably as soon as I recognize that I need to do it now and stop pretending like there's some chance I'll decide to start quitting tomorrow.Besides my drug problem, though, there are very few problems that stress me out on a daily basis. I'm unemployed and need to get a job, once I get a job I need to start paying for free mental health aid and knowledge Stefan has provided me with, and ultimately even then it will take me some time to feel I've adequately repaid the FDR team for the value they've provided me. In the meantime I already do run a few blogs, primarily nonviolentanarchistphilosophy.tumblr.com (NonviolentAnarchistPhilosophy = NAP , and on those blogs I do regularly share Stefans videos as well as cite his books and ideas whenever relavant. This isn't something I do to make myself feel better about receiving value without compensating FDR, but because I truly believe that this community and Stefan's show may hold the key to a widespread shift in philosophy and how people interact. Stefan advocates a world I would like to live in and I'm happy to stand by him, through controversy and celebration, as FDR moves forward with it's mission of spreading enlightenment and rational thought. This is both a thank you and an apology not only to Stefan himself and the rest of the FDR team but to the donators who carry the bill for this show while people like myself make the lifechanges needed to have the disposable wealth necessary to adequately support FDR. Thank you for all that you do, I'm sorry for how little I've done. Now to back up both my thanks and remorse with action. Mark the date, October 28, 2015, because this is the day I promised to make the change from leach to contributor. I'm posting this publicly on the FDR forums so that there's no way I can take this back. No way that I can allow myself to weasel out of my obligations. 1
dsayers Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 In the meantime I already do run a few blogs, primarily nonviolentanarchistphilosophy.tumblr.com (NonviolentAnarchistPhilosophy = NAP , and on those blogs I do regularly share Stefans videos as well as cite his books and ideas whenever relavant. This isn't something I do to make myself feel better about receiving value without compensating FDR Exchanging value for value doesn't always mean currency. Sharing videos, taking your TIME to share ideas that lead to peaceful parenting and a peaceful world are perfectly valid ways of exchanging value. Especially in the face of having some very real problems of your own. YOU come first, then everything that comes from you improves also. For what it's worth, I think you're very rational and articulate. Not somebody I would suspect has a drug problem or a traumatized past. I did want to ask though... The most toxic thing about my past mindset was that I was always making excuses and blaming other people for my situation and my actions. Taking responsibility for myself has been a breath of fresh air What did you mean by this? I ask because I noticed a lack of reference to your parents or your childhood. If you're on page 100 of a book, there's no virtue in pretending there was no page 99. Just wanted to clarify since some people mistake remembering something with holding a grudge or even rightfully holding a grudge with being vindictive. Was hoping you'd provide a clearer picture of where you're at so that any attempts at healing don't result in failure and in turn discourage you.
AccuTron Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 First, you have a great/grateful attitude. Kudos. I wonder how old you are. I smoked pot since I was in my early twenties. Never did booze or t'baccy. (I knew that was bad.) I had severe problems, all kinds of abuse...etc., and pot was my only relief from grief. I had nobody to help me in other ways, curious to ponder if FDR had been around then.... Many years later...still no booze...I have done tons of mental work, am a totally refurbished person. I still like pot. A puff now and then, not required, more like a small glass of wine instead of an empty bottle. I recall that for many years it was so confusing, the initial abuse vs. the pot pain relief. If you mentally confuse the two, it will trip you up. You will smoke pot as long as you need to, at some level you are meeting a need. As you refine yourself, your pot use will automatically adjust. This is NOT visible to you now, like the ground way ahead is not visible, when you're on the beginning of a trail. But it's there! I suggest not considering your pot use a bad thing. (It's not booze!!!--value that!) It is a symptom, not a cause. Mentally, get that. Then you will be more focused on the real issues, the sources.
BradleyHillman Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 Exchanging value for value doesn't always mean currency. Sharing videos, taking your TIME to share ideas that lead to peaceful parenting and a peaceful world are perfectly valid ways of exchanging value. Especially in the face of having some very real problems of your own. YOU come first, then everything that comes from you improves also. For what it's worth, I think you're very rational and articulate. Not somebody I would suspect has a drug problem or a traumatized past. I did want to ask though... I appreciate this. I do what I can to contribute now by sharing Stefan's videos and citing his work in my blog posts, but I would like to be at a place in my life where I can also contrinbute financially. Me and my fiancee also plan on having kids and raising them nonviolently with principles and philosophy. It's funny because the fact I'm someone nobody expects to have a drug problem actually played a major role in the start of my marijuana use. See, I went to the same catholic school for 10 years and almost all of my classmates were close friends because we were in the same class year after year. This was actually a break for me because if I were in public school I would've been harassed relentlessly. I've always been very bright but also physically underweight and very pale. Typical nerd. This isn't to say catholic school wasn't without difficulties, it was hell more times than not, both my peers and teachers were interchangeably the reason I would fake sick often growing up. This probably set me up on the path of not taking responsibility for myself. Anyway I went to high school and things were much different. When I realized people's first impression of me was something between "loser nerd" and "potential school shooter" I knew I needed a rebranding strategy. So I started smoking weed and drinking. After all being underweight and without a history in sports "stoner" always seemed a more attainable label than athlete. This led to my grades slipping, a long spiraling history of addiction problems, and ultimately led me to dealing pot as an upperclassmen. What a mistake in hindsight. I was smart, I went into high school already in AP & Honors classes, I tested well on my ACT (26 composite) and would be in a much better place now if I had just not allowed myself to get into this position. I never should've cared what other students thought of me. Other than that a history of alcoholism and depression in my family combined with the ADHD medicine I was on my whole life basically created the perfect environment for addiction to thrive. What did you mean by this? I ask because I noticed a lack of reference to your parents or your childhood. If you're on page 100 of a book, there's no virtue in pretending there was no page 99. Just wanted to clarify since some people mistake remembering something with holding a grudge or even rightfully holding a grudge with being vindictive. Was hoping you'd provide a clearer picture of where you're at so that any attempts at healing don't result in failure and in turn discourage you.My parents and I are likely as reconciled and close as we will ever be. My mother and I have never been able to truly get along, we have a history of dramatic and for me even traumatic fights, and I don't expect this to change. My father has expressed remorse for the mistakes he made raising me and he's a really good guy. He tries hard. He negotiated and compromised with me growing up rather than hit and he still gives me as much financial support as he can and houses me. Regardless of their role, and I'm not saying they are without any guilt, they are in no position to help me right my situation. The vast majority of my household's income goes to my two sisters' tuition and the rest barely pays for the food and life necessities after bills are paid. I have some pretty alarming health problems and no health insurance, same with my parents except their health is even more troubling, and have less than great credit due to a hospital bill that I was told I wouldn't be charged for (it was a charity hospital). My situation is unfortunate but for the most part cannot be blamed on anyone but myself, and regardless of blame it's either fix my life or don't.. no one else is going to do it for me. I have a post in the welcome forums with a little more info about my past if this still isn't enough, hopefully I answered your question, if not I guess simplified what I meant by it's been better since I've taken responsibility for myself is: I always felt hopeless kind of, like life was just getting screwed over again and again, and since I've taken responsibility for my role in screwing myself over I've been able to look at life as more of a challenge to be met than a punishment to be dealt with.
RCali Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 First, you have a great/grateful attitude. Kudos. I see not only that, but a lot of guilt in his words. Misleading title, sorry, but it's still true in a sense. Stefan Molyneux, and his team at freedomainradio, are responsible for improving my life tenfold at least. I was a depressed socialist "progressive" when I left high school and I really needed to learn critical thinking. The philosophy I picked up from FDR's videos and podcast can easily be pointed at as the medicine that saved my life. There is very little chance I could've turned things around if I stayed on the path I was on. The most toxic thing about my past mindset was that I was always making excuses and blaming other people for my situation and my actions. Taking responsibility for myself has been a breath of fresh air, though the embarassment from the past is sometimes hard to think about without cringing. It's OK, and admirable to be thankful for the good cause that FDR is, but I see an extreme lack of self commendation on your part for what you've done. You credit only FDR's work. What about yours? It surely was fun for you, some, or many, or perhaps even most of the time. But it's very likely that many times, it was pure work and sacrifice of enjoyment that kept you listening to the show, or reading, the books, or whatever may be. Why don't you credit yourself for the work you've done studying all that you have thus far? You say you made many excuses and blamed others for your situation... You still are. You're not taking responsability for your newly acquired knowledge. Aside from just the philosophy of it all though I picked up a lot of knowledge. In fact, I picked up a love of learning that was beaten out of me by the school system and family who was less-than-welcoming of questions regarding serious things like religion or the morality of spanking. I still smoke marijuana every day, a habit that is still having a profoundly negative effect on my life and relationship, but I've begun to recognize things don't have to be this way anymore. I know that I will always be an addict. Always. Largely as a result of the amphetamines I was on since I was a small child. I want to take an abstinence based approach to quitting drugs and staying clean. I plan to start the process soon. How soon? Probably as soon as I recognize that I need to do it now and stop pretending like there's some chance I'll decide to start quitting tomorrow. I'm sorry that you were forced to take drugs, for whatever reason may have been. It wasn't at all fair for you. Do you understand that, regarding the marijuana, drugs aren't, or aren't your main problem? You're doing that because of an underlying problem. There was something that has lead you to take those drugs, as a way to enhance your mood, not letting you slide into depression. Have you considered that pot could not at all be your problem? I won't comment on the final part of this quote, as I trust you have the required inteligence to see your own bullshit. I'll comment, though, if requested. For the rest of your post, I'll refer to my first comment. There's so much guilt in what you say. I can only guess how this relates to your past. Do share if you're interested in having such a conversation. And know that you spreading the message of peace and logic bears much heavier than whatever money you could provide for this team. They are good men who would have the world improve before their houses. 1
BradleyHillman Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 First, you have a great/grateful attitude. Kudos. I wonder how old you are. I smoked pot since I was in my early twenties. Never did booze or t'baccy. (I knew that was bad.) I had severe problems, all kinds of abuse...etc., and pot was my only relief from grief. I had nobody to help me in other ways, curious to ponder if FDR had been around then.... Many years later...still no booze...I have done tons of mental work, am a totally refurbished person. I still like pot. A puff now and then, not required, more like a small glass of wine instead of an empty bottle. I recall that for many years it was so confusing, the initial abuse vs. the pot pain relief. If you mentally confuse the two, it will trip you up. You will smoke pot as long as you need to, at some level you are meeting a need. As you refine yourself, your pot use will automatically adjust. This is NOT visible to you now, like the ground way ahead is not visible, when you're on the beginning of a trail. But it's there! I suggest not considering your pot use a bad thing. (It's not booze!!!--value that!) It is a symptom, not a cause. Mentally, get that. Then you will be more focused on the real issues, the sources. I appreciate the response. In the future I may use marijuana for medicinal purposes but recreationally I think abstinence is the way for me. I'd be interested in seeing other people's thoughts on your comment. I know I could still like it, like you say, it's not even that I don't like it now because I do. It's just that I don't think I can control my use. I don't think I'm in control when I buy marijuana. I mean I'm in control of myself even during the high, yeah, because I hardly get high anymore due to tolerance but I have no control over how much I smoke. It's embarrassing and bad though. Way more money is spent on that than food in a typical week for me. I realize I'm use it to cope, filling a void so to speak, but I hope I can find healthier and more productive coping mechanisms than substance abuse in the future. My pot use is the real issue right now because if I could get my finances straight my life would fall into line. But my drug use is obstructing that. I see not only that, but a lot of guilt in his words. It's OK, and admirable to be thankful for the good cause that FDR is, but I see an extreme lack of self commendation on your part for what you've done. You credit only FDR's work. What about yours? It surely was fun for you, some, or many, or perhaps even most of the time. But it's very likely that many times, it was pure work and sacrifice of enjoyment that kept you listening to the show, or reading, the books, or whatever may be. Why don't you credit yourself for the work you've done studying all that you have thus far? You say you made many excuses and blamed others for your situation... You still are. You're not taking responsability for your newly acquired knowledge. My "work" was absorbing the work they actually produced. I don't know, I don't really feel like bettering myself was something I deserve credit for, it was in my own self-interest after all. It was what I was supposed to do, wasn't it? I'm sorry that you were forced to take drugs, for whatever reason may have been. It wasn't at all fair for you. Do you understand that, regarding the marijuana, drugs aren't, or aren't your main problem? You're doing that because of an underlying problem. There was something that has lead you to take those drugs, as a way to enhance your mood, not letting you slide into depression. Have you considered that pot could not at all be your problem? I won't comment on the final part of this quote, as I trust you have the required inteligence to see your own bullshit. I'll comment, though, if requested. For the rest of your post, I'll refer to my first comment. There's so much guilt in what you say. I can only guess how this relates to your past. Do share if you're interested in having such a conversation. And know that you spreading the message of peace and logic bears much heavier than whatever money you could provide for this team. They are good men who would have the world improve before their houses. You're not wrong, this addiction would be infinitely times more disposable if I didn't struggle with depression and anxiety chronically. I lost my chance at tuition free college by not applying myself at all (did drugs til I dropped out) and I can't seem to find employment anywhere. It's killing me, because I have the best fiancee who works five days a week and I'm just sitting on my ass. The weed keeps me emotionally and mentally stable from the stress and depression but completely ruins my finances resulting in further inability to find work or re-enroll in college and the cycle continues. I've deduced that quitting smoking weed is the first step in permanently ending it.
RCali Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Bradley, I still see incredible amounts of guilt in every post you're making here. Would you watch the following video, and tell me your opinion?
dsayers Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 My parents and I are likely as reconciled and close as we will ever be. My mother and I have never been able to truly get along, we have a history of dramatic and for me even traumatic fights, and I don't expect this to change. My father has expressed remorse for the mistakes he made raising me and he's a really good guy. He tries hard. He negotiated and compromised with me growing up rather than hit and he still gives me as much financial support as he can and houses me. Regardless of their role, and I'm not saying they are without any guilt, they are in no position to help me right my situation. The vast majority of my household's income goes to my two sisters' tuition and the rest barely pays for the food and life necessities after bills are paid. I have some pretty alarming health problems and no health insurance, same with my parents except their health is even more troubling, and have less than great credit due to a hospital bill that I was told I wouldn't be charged for (it was a charity hospital). My situation is unfortunate but for the most part cannot be blamed on anyone but myself, and regardless of blame it's either fix my life or don't.. no one else is going to do it for me. My heart sunk as I read this. I understand now why you resist the idea that safety comes from being able to call things by their proper name. I want you to know that what I read here makes me cautious in terms of how close I would allow myself to get to you. Even before I got to this part, I was going to say that I don't think that choosing a life partner before you've worked on self-knowledge is a wise move. If you were to have children before self-knowledge, you will continue the cycle of abuse regardless of how mildly and unintentionally. I don't know how much more I want to say because I have little reason to believe any of it will be received. You say there's nothing they can do to help right your life but taking responsibility would be a first step of such magnitude that I couldn't express in a single post. I don't know what "expressed remorse" looks like, but it sounds like you're an easy sell because you are accustomed to erasing yourself for their benefit. I have so much more I could say, but I'll end with a little secret about holding parents accountable for the neglect and abuse they inflict upon a child that both shortens and ruins so much of their life: Your dad is not a good guy if your mother's not a good mother. The only reason she's your mother is because HE chose her to be. Just as you lack self-knowledge and therefore cannot know if the woman you're choosing to have kids with will be somebody you can rely on to do so safely and peacefully. I am so sorry for the reality of your past. You severely limit if not flat out prohibit your capability to heal if you cannot be honest about their responsibility. I hope somebody at some point is able to reach you. I hope some day you look around and become so angry at your abusers that you hold them accountable instead of giving them a free pass. Which essentially just allows them to re-victimize you in the present and victimize others through you on into the future. 3
RCali Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 *zip* What makes you think you don't have the capacity to reach him, or that he's too hard to reach with reason? He seems like a smart man, with the words he has shared with us here, and is seeking knowledge and to repair his emotional state. All things lead that he is in fact easy to reach. And I do use the term "easy" without any temporal attachment, but simply as a possibility, and likelihood that he will devote much work into achieving what he was predisposed to become. 1 1
dsayers Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 link I don't think the ability to differentiate between threat and nourishment as the basis for survival to be a controversial position. Yet in that thread, he demonstrated a NEED for that to not be true. As I stated above, I think I now understand why. When people tell you that they NEED for their parents to be blame free, they're deadly serious. Do you have a reason to doubt he's telling us the truth as he sees it? I'm not sure why you're asking. I haven't written him off as evidenced by my trying to provide SOME perspective. Of all the people I have seen that are so inspired by FDR that they join the forums and share their story while pretending their parents aren't responsible, I haven't seen ONE ever open up to the possibility that maybe it's not okay that the people that promised him to protect him and nurture him neglected/abused him. Doesn't mean it can't/won't happen. I sincerely hope it does because I have already conceded that I find him to be generally rational and articulate.
RCali Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 link I don't think the ability to differentiate between threat and nourishment as the basis for survival to be a controversial position. Yet in that thread, he demonstrated a NEED for that to not be true. As I stated above, I think I now understand why. When people tell you that they NEED for their parents to be blame free, they're deadly serious. Do you have a reason to doubt he's telling us the truth as he sees it? I'm sorry, but I can't see it. When does he show he needs parents to be blame free in this "Religion of Peace" topic? I saw only a discussion among you two failling, since there was difficulty with definitions being understood.
Carl Green Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Largely as a result of the amphetamines I was on since I was a small child... I appreciate the response. In the future I may use marijuana for medicinal purposes but recreationally I think abstinence is the way for me. I'd be interested in seeing other people's thoughts on your comment... I'm not an expert by any means, just gonna offer potential research leads. You have a natural cannabinoid system. I think this system has a part in regulating things like mood and such. Since you were horribly subjected to amphetamines (my sincere sympathies for this Bradley) during development, I think it might be possible that some of these systems were affected and changed. For example, if you were getting exterior sources of mood regulating chemicals, the natural systems will be less productive and more dependent, and might leave you that way after development. I'm not sure if quitting anything will eventually get your body to produce these things more naturally, similar to how you would have been producing them without the drugs. That being said, there are still other reasons to quit, like it costing too much money right now and the "I'll just gradually cut my usage down" approach is extremely tough even if you have an iron will. Maybe consider switching to edibles/cooking it if you're currently smoking it. Then you'll still be getting the chemicals but the habit part changes and might be more controllable in a sense. If you go the full abstinence route, I guess just be prepared for a period of time where the lows are lower than usual because you're still in the process of trying to reset your systems. Getting through that is tough but not impossible. ---- Now, as for the main topic of the thread title, I bet if you just get a few people around you to even start thinking about 'voluntaryist peaceful living' by being engaging and talking with people, Stefan and company might call it even for now
BradleyHillman Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 Bradley, I still see incredible amounts of guilt in every post you're making here. Would you watch the following video, and tell me your opinion? Bradley, I still see incredible amounts of guilt in every post you're making here. Would you watch the following video, and tell me your opinion? I'm glad he found something that works for him. I get it, it isn't terribly complicated, it has elements similar to buddhist mantras which I'm familiar with. I'm hesitant to worry about any "guilt" I may subconsciously be displaying because if I am acting guilty it's probably because I am and I recognize that. The lifestyle I've been living, not the mention the bare minimal effort I put into my future when I had a much wider array of opportunities, has me ashamed. Maybe because shame and guilt are very similar, and by no means mutually exclusive, that's what you could be picking up on. Shame and guilt that I'm very much aware of and am actively choosing to hold onto rather than move on because if I don't get tough on myself no one else is going to. I don't have much of an opinion to give you on the video. I watched the whole thing and think it's a interesting idea that could be helpful to many. Perhaps even me. What makes you think you don't have the capacity to reach him, or that he's too hard to reach with reason? He seems like a smart man, with the words he has shared with us here, and is seeking knowledge and to repair his emotional state. All things lead that he is in fact easy to reach. And I do use the term "easy" without any temporal attachment, but simply as a possibility, and likelihood that he will devote much work into achieving what he was predisposed to become. For whomever it may concern (so I can avoid repeating myself in the future on this): I am willing to listen to anyone's perspective. Meaning I'll consider it and discuss it with you. I pride myself on this and have been this way for quite some time now. I follow the evidence and rational thought wherever it may lead. That being said I notice a lot of people here may think they are some sort of authority on logic or rational thought. Let me just say that if I disagree with you, and i present reasons for why I disagree with you, it's rather condescending to reply with misrepresentation of both my beliefs and mental state by asserting that I'm putting up some sort of mental blocks or am otherwise unwilling to listen. I am willing to listen. Let's talk. Just remember that me being willing to listen to what you have to say doesn't always mean I'm going to agree with it. If you believe my disagreement is rooted in emotion or cognitive dissonance feel free to explain how and why you came to this conclusion. I'm sorry, but I can't see it. When does he show he needs parents to be blame free in this "Religion of Peace" topic? I saw only a discussion among you two failling, since there was difficulty with definitions being understood. Yeah, my disagreement had absolutely nothing to do with my personal life in this regard, I just disagree that safety "comes from" honesty. It's not an important subject of debate or anything but I can assure you that my stance on that topic was completely unrelated to anything personal to me. It was just my understanding of the foundation of safety which differs from dsayers opinion on what the foundation of safety is. Once again, as I said in the last topic, I never said detecting threats is an unimportant part of safety. I just disagree that safety "comes from" honesty. I'm completely open to continue down that topic of conversation too if he, or anyone else, wants to continue that line of thought. I found it a rather trivial thing to argue about but I'm not shying away from debate on the subject if people want to discuss it.
BradleyHillman Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 Thanks for the kind words about the show and I'm glad you've found it helpful. I'd certainly rather you put your money towards therapy at this point than feel any pressure to support the show financially. I really appreciate sentiment and best of luck in your continued self-knowledge journey! One day in the future when I have my own disposable finances I definitely will contribute though! Thanks for the well wishes and let me know if you guys ever need someone to volunteer to do research or anything. I know you probably spend countless hours doing research and preparation for the show and I'd be happy to help in any way I can. In the meantime I'll continue promoting the show and it's message both in my real life interactions and throughout the places of the internet that I frequently visit. My heart sunk as I read this. I understand now why you resist the idea that safety comes from being able to call things by their proper name. I want you to know that what I read here makes me cautious in terms of how close I would allow myself to get to you. Even before I got to this part, I was going to say that I don't think that choosing a life partner before you've worked on self-knowledge is a wise move. If you were to have children before self-knowledge, you will continue the cycle of abuse regardless of how mildly and unintentionally. I don't know how much more I want to say because I have little reason to believe any of it will be received. You say there's nothing they can do to help right your life but taking responsibility would be a first step of such magnitude that I couldn't express in a single post. I don't know what "expressed remorse" looks like, but it sounds like you're an easy sell because you are accustomed to erasing yourself for their benefit. I have so much more I could say, but I'll end with a little secret about holding parents accountable for the neglect and abuse they inflict upon a child that both shortens and ruins so much of their life: Your dad is not a good guy if your mother's not a good mother. The only reason she's your mother is because HE chose her to be. Just as you lack self-knowledge and therefore cannot know if the woman you're choosing to have kids with will be somebody you can rely on to do so safely and peacefully. I am so sorry for the reality of your past. You severely limit if not flat out prohibit your capability to heal if you cannot be honest about their responsibility. I hope somebody at some point is able to reach you. I hope some day you look around and become so angry at your abusers that you hold them accountable instead of giving them a free pass. Which essentially just allows them to re-victimize you in the present and victimize others through you on into the future. It's a long relationship. We are already engaged. There couldn't be a better woman for me, really, I can't even begin to explain how much I owe her and how much faith I have in her ability to raise children. We are both big Stefan fans, though I'm quite a bit more avid about it than she, and we have every intention of doing our research and being the best parents you can imagine. We'd like to model our "style" after Stefan's relationship with his daughter, an expectation we are sure to always be straining to meet, because we both agree if we could go back and choose the way we were parented we would both choose peaceful parenting based on cooperation and compromise rather than coercion and manipulation. We have both already made great strides at being much less manipulative towards and recognizing manipulative behaviors from outside of our relationship. It is decided, that's what an engagement is, a promise to enter a lifelong commitment. So while I'm open to discussion on my relationship and my future with my fiancee I can assure you that's one thing I'm unlikely to budge on. The love I feel for her is unlike anything I've ever felt for another person. As far as my parents go; what makes you think I care so much what they believe? Do I seem in some way deeply distraught by this? I've seen countless shows about this kind of things on FDR and I'm afraid I have to suggest that you maybe projecting things onto me that just aren't there. They could both come to me tomorrow and break down sobbing explaining how they feel responsible for everything wrong with my life and I would still be in the same situation. Would my relationship with them be better? Sure. But my relationship with them isn't of huge importance. They won't have a big part in my children's lives. They don't have a big part in my personal life. They are continuing to give me money, without expectations of repayment, so that I can survive. Money they don't actually own to give me in the first place more often than not. They have no retirement money. They have no health insurance. Their health is deteriorating. They both work at the same small business, an Italian buffet, my mom a waitress and my dad is the locations manager. They've been working those same jobs for 20 years now and the business doesn't look like it'll survive another 5. Look, I get it, they fucked up. Sure. They really did, I agree, and I don't mean this sarcastically in the least. But they also made sacrifices above and beyond what any of the people who called in to the show to speak about their parents have made. They put me through private schooling my entire life based on income far below the average household at the schools I attended, sacrificing much because they believed it would ensure me a safe and productive place to learn, and for that I'm grateful. For the money they give me now to buy food I'm grateful. For the room they let me move back into that I still live in today I'm grateful. I wasn't perfect either growing up, they weren't the only ones who fucked up, and while it's easy to make assumptions I can assure you from experience that my issues are hardly rooted in my home life growing up. Read the small text on this thread. I didn't have perfect parents, hell I didn't even have spectacular parents, but my parents did an above average job in comparison to your average family considering the situation they grew up in. My parents met in a mental hospital for depression by the way, they were both abused relentlessly and grew up in pretty shitty homes. Both had alcoholic physically abusive fathers and extremely manipulative mothers. The little violence I faced from my caretakers growing up was almost (maybe even 100%) perpetrated by my mother and her side of the family who I spent my days with growing up since my parents both had to work to keep the house afloat. Also, I said "my parents" a lot throughout this response, let me reiterate: My father did a pretty okay job. My mother has rarely ever been much of a mother. We basically hated each other throughout my adolescence. I've come to accept it, I accepted it a long time ago, there is no more need for me to be "honest" with myself. I've gone through introspection and have been able to vocalize this stuff to my Fiancee who is good at listening and aiding me in figuring this kind of stuff out. I had all of these realizations when I first stumbled onto Stefan quite a long time ago. Now I'm trying to address ongoing toxic habits that I have such as a history of responsibility avoidance and my addictive personality. Something is still wrong, sure, but if we are going to continue down the "it's something your parents did during childhood" route I'm going to need you to explain to me how you seem positive that you've deduced the root cause of my issues and yet you are just now hearing my actual background in bits and pieces. link I don't think the ability to differentiate between threat and nourishment as the basis for survival to be a controversial position. Yet in that thread, he demonstrated a NEED for that to not be true. As I stated above, I think I now understand why. When people tell you that they NEED for their parents to be blame free, they're deadly serious. Do you have a reason to doubt he's telling us the truth as he sees it? I'm not sure why you're asking. I haven't written him off as evidenced by my trying to provide SOME perspective. Of all the people I have seen that are so inspired by FDR that they join the forums and share their story while pretending their parents aren't responsible, I haven't seen ONE ever open up to the possibility that maybe it's not okay that the people that promised him to protect him and nurture him neglected/abused him. Doesn't mean it can't/won't happen. I sincerely hope it does because I have already conceded that I find him to be generally rational and articulate. Very condescending. A "need" for it to not be true? I'm totally open to admitting it is true once you've demonstrated such to be true. Every time someone disagrees with you isn't a sign of some deeply rooted emotional block. Sometimes people just have different opinions. It happens. Unlike the vast majority of people I've encountered I'm completely willing to change my opinion when exposed to new information. If you'd like to explain how I'm wrong we can continue the basis of safety conversation on this thread or in the other one. No one ever said my parents are blame free. What I said was for the most part the responsibility for my situation falls on myself. For the most part being critical to the message here. I went on to make the point that ultimately assigning blame isn't going to do much of anything for me. I have practical desires that I need to work towards and honestly I have very little interest in repairing my relationship with my parents. We just don't have much in common. I love them, sure, but they're christian republicans (pro-military, pro-cop) and I'm an atheist anarchist. I'm into nerdy stuff like reading and discussing a mixture of philosophy and politics. They're into boring stuff like watching reality television. One of my most prominent beliefs is the non aggression principle and the opposition against using force on children & babies, one of their most prominent beliefs is that negative consequences for bad behavior is the best way to raise a 'good' child. We aren't similar. We live in the same house yet don't even talk more than maybe once or twice a week. Once I move out, as I have in the past for about a year, it will likely be back to me only seeing them a few times per year. The entire premise for your assertion that my home life is behind my addiction problem is based around the idea that I can't accept their flaws and previous evil actions. But that's false. I accepted this stuff long ago. I'm not an expert by any means, just gonna offer potential research leads. You have a natural cannabinoid system. I think this system has a part in regulating things like mood and such. Since you were horribly subjected to amphetamines (my sincere sympathies for this Bradley) during development, I think it might be possible that some of these systems were affected and changed. For example, if you were getting exterior sources of mood regulating chemicals, the natural systems will be less productive and more dependent, and might leave you that way after development. I'm not sure if quitting anything will eventually get your body to produce these things more naturally, similar to how you would have been producing them without the drugs. That being said, there are still other reasons to quit, like it costing too much money right now and the "I'll just gradually cut my usage down" approach is extremely tough even if you have an iron will. Maybe consider switching to edibles/cooking it if you're currently smoking it. Then you'll still be getting the chemicals but the habit part changes and might be more controllable in a sense. If you go the full abstinence route, I guess just be prepared for a period of time where the lows are lower than usual because you're still in the process of trying to reset your systems. Getting through that is tough but not impossible. ---- Now, as for the main topic of the thread title, I bet if you just get a few people around you to even start thinking about 'voluntaryist peaceful living' by being engaging and talking with people, Stefan and company might call it even for now That's a really good point. I'll have to reconsider how I plan to deal with permanently imbalanced dopamine levels and other chemical imbalances that resulted from years and years of taking medicine that changes my brain. You've given me a bit to think about. I can't really cook because I live with my parents and it's illegal in my state so they don't really allow me to be open about my pot use while I live here. I used to have a vape, a couple different ones actually, and they worked wonders for cutting down the amount I use in addition to being much healthier. Sadly I no longer have either of them though and a new vape is rather pricey. I'll figure something out, I'd still like to attempt an abstinence based approach to getting clean, even if just as a trial that I later realize is not the method I want to use. ___ I try. The problem is the way the education system is structured makes finding people from my generation who are capable of watching an hour long video, much less one about something serious like Stefan's videos, nearly impossible. That's mostly why I try to spread it through my internet presence. A few hundred followers on a couple tumblr blogs gives me a much higher chance of finding people who fit the mold of critical thinkers than suggesting the video to person after person in my town (Laplace, Louisiana) just for them to tell me they'll watch it later (inevitably they don't, those who feign interest typically will just say they are busy any time I bring it back up).
RCali Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Bradley, you're a very inteligent person, but for whatever it may be worth, it's not helping in this situation. You're very avoidant of giving responsability to your father. Yes, you've given him some on how your past went, but not enough. He chose your mother, who did you harm. He didn't just choose her once to meet, or twice to kiss, or three times to have sex. He chose her hundreds of times throughout his life, and, eventually, created you with her. He must have known, even if he chose to ignore the nature of that person, for reasons that do not matter to this conversation. You also show a lot of guilt not only to yourself, as you tried to deflect, but towards others. Maybe it's not obvious to you, but, I assure you, to anyone else whom your words reach, it's as clear as a bright Summer's day. Your high IQ may be clouding your thought process. Could you be dismissing possibilities because you thought of them once and assumed them wrong? I've done this in the past, extensivelly. The idea behind sharing the video was to see how you would think you could substitute the drug with this exercise. The idea of the exercise, basically, is to vocalize and dance your sorrow and anger away. I have no idea how it could work for you, but I sure know how screaming and punching and vibrating through beating my feet on the ground makes me feel. Utterly and completely free. Hope I haven't missed anything I'd like to have said.
Matthew Ed Moran Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 "My father did a pretty okay job. My mother has rarely ever been much of a mother. We basically hated each other throughout my adolescence." Then later you said you loved both your parents. I find that confusing. If your mother showed hatred towards you, it is likely you internalized this and began to hate yourself. If you still feel hatred for yourself, it would make sense that you would not hold others responsible for their abuse, and that you would be unwilling to empathize with yourself. Because if you believe you are worthy of hatred then you believe you are not worthy of empathy or restitution, and that you are deserving of abuse and hatred. I think if you want to be empathetic to your own children, you must be able empathize with your own self now and as a child, first. If you are still harboring feelings of self hatred then this will undoubtedly manifest when you are raising children, and it will be 100x harder to deal with then than now. Does that make sense? Btw if your father married a woman who openly hated you, I do not see how he isn't responsible for putting you through some of the worst abuse possible, along with your mother. I'm very sorry you had to go through that.
dsayers Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Very condescending. A "need" for it to not be true? I'm totally open to admitting it is true once you've demonstrated such to be true. Every time someone disagrees with you isn't a sign of some deeply rooted emotional block. The word disagree suggests it is up to us. It is not. Watch some nature show and see how some predators disguise themselves and lay in wait to fool their prey into thinking a situation is safe when it is not. Take note of how much simpler your life is because gravity is consistent and how this frees your mind up to consider other things. There is no question that survival comes from accurate assessment of the world around us. Regarding your use of the word condescending: If I think I see something that you don't and I try to show it to you, how is this indicative of us existing on "different levels"? And if it were indicative of us being on different "levels," how would me trying to nurture you (bring you up to my level in your framing) be a sign of somebody trying to harm you instead of help you? It's because what I'm trying to show you would mean that people you think are helpful are harmful, so you have to call my trying to help as me trying to harm. I'm not trying to tell you your experience. But whether you realize it or not, we communicate with others with far more than just our words. For example, a person who puts forth an objective claim is also saying that there's such a thing as truth, such a thing as falsehood, and that truth is preferable to falsehood. Or when somebody says god exists, they're also saying that consciousness exists without matter or energy (CEw/oME), only one CEw/oME, the one CEw/oME happens to be the one they were taught about, and that they intervene. My point is that I felt you communicated a need for abusers to not be abusers when you rejected that safety is derived from calling things by their proper names. In this thread, you opened by telling us (between the lines) the abuse of your childhood with no mention of your parent's responsibility. When I pointed out this void, you tried to convince me of the narrative that comes from normalizing your abuse. And just as I predicted, you're describing me as abusive to avoid calling your abusers abusive. You can call it confirmation bias, but I think you've been consistent to the point of removing all doubt that this assessment fits. Also, I think it's dismissive to say that I'm projecting. If you say you want to head north but you're heading south, for me to point out to you how to go north is not projecting. If you want health, you need nutrition. If you want to remove a screw, you have to turn it. If you want to fix a problem, you can't address only the symptoms. Personalizing it is just a way of ignoring that your stated goal doesn't coalesce with the actions you're taking with regards to it. And you know what else? I see a lot of people here trying to help you by pointing out blind spots. We all have them. Can you admit that much please?
Carl Green Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I try. The problem is the way the education system is structured makes finding people from my generation who are capable of watching an hour long video, much less one about something serious like Stefan's videos, nearly impossible.... By any means necessary my friend. Doesn't have to be by getting them to watch FDR videos. Just get people to start seeing the gun in the room and the benefits of peaceful parenting. Think of it as the person being a lock, and you have to find the correctly 'shaped' key. (unless the lock is rusted shut, than just move on)
Troubador Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I'll leave the nuances of the counsel you are getting to wiser heads who have a better understanding of your situation, but kudos on your aspirations and the work you have done so far. It's no easy thing. Many people have tried and failed to reach where you have struggled to get to today, and take heart in the fact that many people have gone on to greater heights. No reason why you can't be one of them!
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