Matt D Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 From my blog: Not Perfect All defensive moves look the same. When someone is about to throw a punch we instinctively raise our arms to act as a shield. It makes sense from an evolutionary point of view that we developed a wide variety of strategies for attacking, based on the regional climate or environment. However, when defending against predatory attack, we have only an instant to react to the threat. Thus, we evolved with just a few mechanisms of defense because we didn’t need variation; we just needed something that worked. Most of us aren’t afraid of being punched on a daily basis. (If you are, you need to read a different post.) But many times, we perceive an attack when facing criticism from colleagues and friends, even when they’re genuinely trying to help us. The defensive move is very simple. We say, “Yeah well, nobody’s perfect.” It’s true that nobody’s perfect. But context matters. Do you think an Olympic ski jumper would refuse the gold medal because his or her landing was a little too far to the left? Of course not. And if you pointed this out, the other person would probably laugh at you and ask why you didn’t enter the competition, since you clearly know so much. However, if the roles were reversed and an Olympic ski jumper was giving you instructions on the bunny hill, it would be silly for you to say, “I’m not perfect, you know.” That’s the point — you are nowhere near perfect, which is why you’re taking a lesson from someone who is much better than you in this particular area! There are probably skills you have that your ski instructor does not. When someone says—so and so is not perfect—they really mean, “I don’t worship this person in an unhealthy way and I recognize that he or she has certain flaws like everybody else.” Most people will agree with this statement when confronted about it, but psychology indicates there may be something happening on a deeper level.* As infants and young children, our adult caregivers are naturally viewed as perfect. They are so much bigger and more intelligent than us, and they have so much power over our lives that they literally feel like perfect gods in our tiny world. So when the perfection retort is used to fend off criticism against parents, whether one’s own or someone else’s, or even someone who has filled the void left by an absent parent, we are talking about a feeling that goes way back to when we were helpless and dependent newborns. The tactic shifts the blame onto the person broaching the topic, implying that she is criticizing an Olympic ski jumper for a slightly botched landing, rather than someone whose skills are sub-par and didn’t even bother taking lessons to improve. Let’s face it, criticism towards parents is usually extremely volatile. Much more so than heckling some Olympic sport from the comfort of your living room. And yet, parenting is arguably the most important job in the world. We have to get over our fear of potentially, maybe offending someone—the stakes are too high. In any other area of the market, we would hold people to a much higher standard because we recognize that quality matters; without it customers will go somewhere else. If we excuse the behavior of our friends, parents, and partners by stating truisms like ‘nobody’s perfect’, we aren’t able to have any control over our relationships, and the improvement that deep down everyone wants will never happen. It may feel to us like a just defense at the time, but the only person it hurts in the end is ourselves. *Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist and the content of this post are merely my opinions. Please consult a trained psychotherapist if you are seeking help with mental health.
labmath2 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I think you only touched on the weaker vetsions of this argument. There is the "when you have a child and you see how hard it is, you will understand." Then the "The reason your child talks back (or some other behavoir they deem ungood) is because of your inadequate parenting." The final "you turned out fine because of what we did. So even if you parent better than us, its because we did better than our parents so its only natural you will be a better parent."
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