Just caught my step-father using violence against my step-sister.

[Archimedes]

I was browsing the web thirty minutes ago, when I heard my sister (18) screaming from above (I was in the basemet). I runned upstairs into the dining room. My step-father was grabbing her with both hands at her arms, shaking her and screaming at her. She was crying. My first response was to yell at him to let her go. He let go of her. He was still standing at her, dominating her with his body language. I remaind there, but I started to shake too, because my step-dad had one violent outburst against me when I was 5 and I had mental flashbacks. I noticed that he picked up on that. He was very calm and tried to dominate me too. I asked what's up and he started to blame my sister, that she had damaged the WIFI-stick they use to connect with the internet. I was unable to talk anymore and just standed there, trying to be as dominant as possible. My sister now escaped and hid behind me. The tension somewhat decreased, and he tried to manipulate me by saying in a friendly tone that it was good that I stepped in. I said to him that I was yelling at him, because he was attacking her. He dropped his act and became threatening again. He told me that I can't tell him what to do. I said to him, that I'm not telling him what to do, but that it is wrong to attack his child. He walked towards me and looked me deep in the eye. Telling me I should go back to the basement. I told him that I'm not going to do that and kept on standing there. We had a standoff and looked each other in the eyes. I honestly thought that he would throw a punch.

My mom came home, while we were still standing there, but I could see that he was preparing to manipulate her. I said again that it is wrong to attack his child, so my mom would know what's going on. My stepfather immediatly went to my mom pointing his finger at her and told her that I can't tell him what to do in his own house. I told him again that I was not telling him what to do. My mom asked what is going on. I told her that he was grabbing my sister. My mom just looked at my step-father and said nothing. My step-father said I was provoking him and left the house.

 

My sister now tells us that he slapped her in the face. I noticed that my mother didn't really act protective against my sister. Instead she said that she is looking for a flat and if she gets it we can move out (she is in the process of divorcing him and was already looking for a flat). However, she did not touch my sister or something, which I just find disturbing looking back.

 

I now find out that my other sister (20) was sitting in a room nearby and never said anything. My mom asked if she was there and she said yes. She was totally empty, didn't look me in the eyes and was trying to ignore everything that was going on. At this point my mom and my sister that got hit started to talk more intensively. I leave the room to collect myself.

 

My step-father showed up again and immediatly tries to manipulate my mom. Telling her that there are always two persons who do things wrong. And that I was provoking. I laugh at him and tell him, that he is the one who slapped his child. He again said that he is leaving and went out of the house. My mom was still not acting in any way protective.

 

Now I'm here and writing these words. I haven't yet talked to my mom about this. I somewhat feel more save to tell you guys first. My sister seems okay for now.

 

There is a backstory about all of this. I'm currently living at home becauce I couldn't find a job immediatly after graduating. But, I've found a job last month and am currently saving up to move out again. I already figured out a long time ago that my step-father is a narcissist, but I never knew that he was attacking my sister in a violent way. I suspected my mom was the co-dependent one. I told her this a year ago after listening to FDR. She said that she was planning to divorce my step-father, but she didn't responded to all this narcissism stuff. I tried to get her to read about these things, but I think she never did.

 

Two days ago my sister (the one that got attacked today) tells me how my parents treat her poorly. She tells me that when I wasn't living there, my mom and dad would often get drunk. My sister tells me one night she went into the kitchen wanting to prepare herself something to eat. She found my drunk parents there laughing at her, because there wasn't anything left to eat. This completly changed the way I looked at my mom, as I perceived her more as a victim before. But now I could retrosprectivly see, that my mom was treating her poorly too. My sister cried all the time she was telling me this. I told her that I was saving up for money and that she could move out with me and stay with me until she finds a job.

 

The thing is, I'm somewhat afraid that my step-dad will come back and become violent again. At least that's what my body is telling me. Maybe he realized that his days of manipulating everyone are over, fears that he is about to lose his narc supply and go crazy. There was just this calm calculation in his eyes, when he was starring me down. It was frightening how calm he was during this intense situation. I'm really not sure what he is capable of doing and I don't feel save right now.

 

---

 

Okay, while I was writing this, my mom showed up and we had a talk. The situation has somewhat changed, but I think it's valuable to keep the above text, so you'll get my raw input immediatly after the situation.

 

My mom told me that she told my father to get his stuff and leave. This happened while I was there, but I didn't register it. I think this was because I was fighting with callbacks of his violent outburst in my childhood. My mom now seemed more protective. She told me that she talked to both of my sisters. The sister who silently listened to the situation, told my mom what happened. My sister damaged the WIFI stick and my step-father confronted her about this. She started to yell at him to leave her alone and he slapped her in the face. He then grabbed here and this is when I showed up. My observant sister told my mom that I did not provoke him, but tried to protect my sister.

 

I tell my mom that I don't feel save here anymore. She says I don't need to be afraid. I tell her that he is a narcissist and these situations tend to make them go crazy. She tells me that she doesn't believe something will happen. I ask her how she can be sure. She doesn't say anything and I tell her that is because she can't. She then tells me that my step father is a coward and would never do such a thing. But I had his image of calmness during this situation in my had. I wasn't convined. We kind of left it there and continued the talk. My mom reasured me that she will try to get the flat. She told me that she is sick of this place and wants to leave.

 

I also talked to my sister. She now feels save and protected. I do to, because my mom and sisters telling me that my mom told my father to leave somewhat reasured me that she was indeed protective. However, I'm going to sleep with a knife tonight. My mom thinks he drove to his parents but he is also an alcoholic so I can't really know for sure what he will do.

 

My mom thinks we should wait until he shows up tomorrow and then have talk with him about how living together can't go on.

 

So these are my thoughts about what happened. I'm sorry I've rambled on to much.

[AccuTron]

Archimedes, I am sorry to hear of this; you are not in a safe place.  There is much injustice in your family's world.

 

I think you first need to contact your local police department and let them read what you wrote.  Ditto for anyone else you trust, such as a pastor or school principal.  (And yes, I cringe a bit saying this, as not all authorities are up to standards, so be picky.)

[Archimedes]

I thought of contacting the police. My mom is against it. My sister said she also thinks there is no need for it. I don't know if I should go against them and call the police.

[DCLugi]

Is there anyone else in your circle that you trust and can confide in?

[Archimedes]

Yes, I think I will talk to my aunt.

[Matthew Ed Moran]

In regards to your mom, there is a difference between actually being a protector, and being someone who cleans up a mess they created. What you wrote is some seriously treacherous and heart-breaking stuff. Your mom is not innocent and you would not had to endure such a catastrophic event if your mom was even close to an adult with empathy or compassion for her children. What I have read in this thread is the infliction of evil upon 3 children who will never be able to forget this, who will never be able to live as if this didn't happen. I am sorry you had to go through this and I hope you are safe. It was difficult to read, and from being in situations of abuse myself, I know it was infinitely more difficult to endure. I am sorry for your experiences and I hope you are able to reach some resolve with your mother when you are financially independent and feel safe to do so. Good luck you have my best wishes for being so brave in this situation

[Archimedes]

Yes, I know exacly what the role of my mother in this situation is. She has told me several times in the past that she wanted to move out, but never went through with it. I just want us to move out of here as fast as possible. We have a appointment with some people who offer a flat tomorrow. That's why I'm reluctant to call the cop. It might trigger her guilt, which could cause her to stop moving out as some sort of revenge, which would mean living here for another several months.

[Archimedes]

So the situation escalated this morning. I was sitting in the basement in front of my computer when my stepfather showed up. He told me to go up in my room. I told him that he can't order me around. He became angry, stormed to me and used his body language to intimidate me. I said that I will be calling the cops and he immediatly stopped what he was doing. I called the cops and I said that my stepfather threatened me. He asked me what happened. I told him what happened. And he said that this was not a threat by german law. I told him that he slapped my sister and that this is a violation of the german law. The cop said that the sister has to file charges. Meanwhile my stepfather sensed that I was not going anywhere and continued to use his body language to intimidated me. I told this the cop and he said that this was not a threat. He asked me how old I was. I said 26. He than said that this is his house and that if I don't like it there than I can move out. This ended the conversations. Now my stepfather basically knows he can intimidate me all he wants.

 

I told my mom that I no longer feel safe at home. We will go visit the flat this day. I don't know what to do.

[EuanM]

I thought of contacting the police. My mom is against it. My sister said she also thinks there is no need for it. I don't know if I should go against them and call the police.

 

I wouldn't worry about what your Mum thinks, but seeing as your sister is the aggrieved against party here I don't think it's a good idea to contact the police against her wishes. (particularly when you consider the quality of protection you are likely to receive from that quarter)

 

But if your stepfather ever assaults you that is a different story.

I'm sorry, my last post was made redundant right before I posted it. 

 

You'v told your stepfather several times that he can't order you around. However based on what you'v told us in seems to me that he *can* order you around; he has no moral justification to do so, but at a practical level it is within his power to do so. It seems to me that as long as you are living in this place that you have no choice but to obey his wishes, unless he's physically aggressing against you or one of your sisters.

 

Speaking as someone who had a stepfather I didn't get along with either (although what I had to deal with was nothing like this) I understand that that will be an extremely bitter, humiliating pill to swallow, but it might be the only way to avoid being assaulted.

 

Obviously you should continue to lean on your Mom as hard as possible to alter your living arrangements as soon as possible. It is a good thing that you told her that you don't feel safe anymore, because your not.

[Archimedes]

My mom had a really long talk with him. He now left to go living with his parents. He said he will announce it to us when he comes back. The meeting at the flat went really well. Maybe my sister and I are out of here in two weeks.

 

Btw, thank you for your advice, EuanM.