The traveling father

[Koroviev]

Can you be a good (peaceful) parent when your work requires you to travel?

 

My wife and I are preparing to have our first child and as most parents-to-be we have our concerns. One of the concerns I've really been struggling with pertains to my job, and I was hoping to get some FDR insight.

 

I work for a small information security consulting company. Basically, there are four of us who travel around the U.S. to different businesses and perform a variety of services pertaining to information security. Although being away from my wife (and our future child) is definitely a big downside the job also has a LOT of very big upsides.

 1. Travel is only one week chunks. This means I am always home on the weekends. The goal is one week home one week on the road, although it doesn't always work out this way it generally evens itself out. 

 2. When I am not traveling I am working from home and for the most part am able to set my own schedule.

 3. The owners have a very "spouse-centered" view. Basically they know (from experience) if the wife ain't happy something needs to change. They are very family oriented and understand that there are more important things than getting the work done.

 4. Because of this job my wife will get to be a stay-at-home mother and we will get to home school our child. On top of that one of my bosses home schooled his three kids so it's a nice resource for us.

 5. It's encouraged to have my wife (and baby) travel with me. This is a little more challenging on plane trips but for any driving trips they're already renting me a car and a hotel room so there's no reason for them not to come with.

 6. I've already talked to the owners about cutting down my travel for at least the first 6 months after the baby is born. This means, ideally, no more than 1 week a month of travel.

 7. It really is a fantastic job working for and with really great people, good benefits, etc. etc.

 

My concerns:

 1. a week seems like a really long time to be away from my family

 2. we don't have any family around to help my wife out when I'm not around.

 3. Is my child going to feel abandoned with me gone so much

 

I really do feel like the benefits overall outweigh the costs, especially considering what it would take to start a new career at this point in time and everything that would go along with that, it seems likely that that would give me even less time/energy to put into parenting.

 

What are your thoughts? Are my concerns valid or am I just getting nervous about being a parent? Do you have any suggestions on how to best connect with my child when I'm on the road? Can I make up for the "lost" time on the weekends? Will our child grow up thinking a Skype call is it's father?

[AccuTron]

Can you take your child's future small teddy bear on your trips?  And pose it where you go, take selfies/bearies.  Tell your child when you return, about how you wished the child could be there with you, and you're glad at least that the bear could make the trip, and how you and the bear talked about how wonderful your child is, and how you missed him/her.  The bear could then fill in the child more on the trip later, when the child and bear were alone.  Maybe two stuffed animals, alternating, so one is always home with the most recent trip stories (that your child can just make up based upon what you told or showed them).

 

Speaking of bearies, Blueberries had her father gone for way too long.  One week on and off isn't that bad, not that I speak from any experience.  Against what other odds?  The job where the father is home each week, but utterly exhausted with a minimum of time for actual contact?  Seriously, glass half full for you.

 

Also, the blessing of a (sane, caring) home mom is huge.  Mom would have enough time to discuss the child's fears and concerns, instead of letting them linger.  Mom and Bear could explain to Child how Job makes Money which then provides the washing machine, the plumbing, the roof, the shoes, etc.  

 

Each item could be it's own lesson on a different day, about the job, and about the item.  How many parents discuss a roof or washing machine with children?  Gotta learn that stuff at some point, get a head start.  And they know that when they go to bed at night in laundered clean sheets, it's because Daddy loves them.  With every step of their shoes, Daddy loves them.

[Tyne]

I would imagine it would be really tough for your wife, home alone with a baby and no Daddy to help out or take shifts really sucks. In my experience, having my husband around has been a huge relief, not just for the sake of getting things done, but also to have someone to talk to and receive affection. Babies are amazing and fun to experience when you have two adults but they are scary and burdensome when you are alone- mothers make no exception.

 

Babies travel surprisingly well! Particularly breastfed babies on planes. If you two do lots of baby-wearing and nursing, traveling by plane will be pretty comfortable. Car seats, however, are usually a nightmare. A beastfed baby wants to be in his rightful place, in arms, near the breast, all the time. Care seats (particularly those basket carriers for newborns that convert to car seats or strollers) are often uncomfortable until you switch to front-facing seats. Maybe it's motion sickness... I don't know. I hear so many complaints about babies hating their car seats until they can face forwards. You'd have to stop often to let the baby stretch and move around, as those seats can reek havoc on developing hips and spines.

 

Babies will adapt beautifully to your routine, as long as you are fulfilling all their needs when they cry. Traveling a lot can absolutely be normal life for a child. You have options, and I'd recommend focusing on what your family needs to be comfortable (baby and wife in particular for the first year, at least) you might be surprised to find that's not necessarily a sedentary life at home.

[Kurtis]

Hi Koroviev, I think it's a difficult choice for sure, but the fact that you are already conscious of the possible downsides is a great sign.

 

Is the only other option to start a new career?  Or did you mean the alternative was to start fresh with a new company in the same/related career? 

 

I am about two years away from this stage you are at, but I do work in a career where the majority of people often work camp shifts away from home (usually 10 and 4's).  However, I am able to find work within this field where I would be home every day.  The downsides to that are less pay, less professional development, and less opportunity.  These are sacrifices I already know I will make as I don't ever want to be away from my family, or even from my partner whilst she's pregnant.  I grew up without a father and my mother worked full time since I was 6 months.  It was a terrible experience that I can't even partially recreate.

 

So, are there alternatives that would allow you to stay home but be less professionally fulfilling?

 

That you current situation would allow your wife to be home full time with your child is great, but what does she think about you being away?

 

Does anyone know how abandonment/poor attachment works when there is one full time parent present?  If you being away causes poor attachment between you and your child I wouldn't risk that for anything.  Especially in those first few years, you really are setting the foundation (or not) for your relationship with your child.

 

Of course, you can always try it (with the options of co-travelling etc) and see how it goes.  If it's not working, then make the required changes then.  

[J. D. Stembal]

My wife and I are preparing to have our first child and as most parents-to-be we have our concerns. One of the concerns I've really been struggling with pertains to my job, and I was hoping to get some FDR insight.

 

What was the resolution to the situation between your wife's friend who wants to put her child into daycare or leave with a nanny?

 

From this thread:

 

https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/44108-working-parents/

 

Has the husband attempted to negotiate that his wife stay home, and breast feed the child for the first 2-3 years?

 

 

[Koroviev]

Congratulations, again,

 

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what is best for your family  good on ya! 

 

Thanks again Blueberries, my wife and I always really look forward to your input. The things you've brought up is exactly the reason I wanted to start this topic and things my wife and I have spent a lot of time talking about. I'm curious though, what was your relationship with your mom like? Did she work as well or was she a stay at home/homeschool mom? Do you think that may have made any difference? Did you ever get the opportunity to go with your dad (to experience how boring the travel actually is? ) I know, for me at least travel consists of working all day, going back to the hotel working some more, calling the wife, then going to bed. Not all that exciting. Also, was there ever a time where your father got to negotiate his travel schedule? Another positive with my company is that we spend time negotiating who travels where and when. As I said my biggest concern is that they may come to feel abandoned, but I don't know that there is another situation at this point in time that would give me more time overall with them.

 

 

Can you take your child's

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With every step of their shoes, Daddy loves them.

 

Yes! yes and yes! My wife and I absolutely love this idea, so doing this! Thanks AccuTron!

 

I would imagine it would be

 

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not necessarily a sedentary life at home.

 

Thanks Tyne, I hadn't thought about the effects of car seats on babies' physiology, but it makes sense as I'm sure meeting the regulations are way higher on the priority list than what's actually good for the baby. Gave us more to research  Leaving my wife alone is another thing I'm definitely concerned about and have brought it up to her multiple times, however she has a lot of experience (practically raising her 3 sisters) and knows it will be tough but is certain that she can handle it.

 

The problem with taking them on plane trips is more personal costs for us than there are in driving trips. They'll definitely be able to come along every once in a while, but all of us flying that much would really start to add up.

 

 

Hi Koroviev, I think it's a difficult choice for sure,

 

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then make the required changes then.  

 

Thanks Kurtis,

 

I meant both/either new career or a new job. every other company that I know of in my field not only requires travel but when you're not traveling you are in at the office. As I mentioned above, that's one of the huge benefits I currently have, when I'm not at the road I'm at home so, outside of meetings, I can do the work whenever it is most convenient for me. Another viable option would be to switch careers to something related, however it is likely with my skill set that this would mean an office job where I may be home every night but likely would mean less time home overall and probably much less time with my family, not to mention added stress of a new job huge potential for working with people I don't like as much and/or are less family centrist, etc., etc. Starting my own business in this field seems even less viable at this point for similar reasons as starting a new career as well as that would mean even less family time, it's a field that requires HUGE amounts of experience, which I am still gaining, and all around it's seemingly unrealistic at this point.

 

If you come across any research on abandonment/poor attachment please do share

 

 

What was the resolution to the situation between your wife's friend who wants to put her child into daycare or leave with a nanny?

 

From this thread:

 

https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/44108-working-parents/

 

Has the husband attempted to negotiate that his wife stay home, and breast feed the child for the first 2-3 years?

 

There hasn't really been a resolution at this point it seems like they're kind of just waiting to see what happens....but they've also had a lot of really bad things happen between their parents so unfortunately they've been distracted by that lately. She has decided to try breastfeeding, but between their purchasing habits and their house they've cornered themselves into needing two jobs to pay for everything.

 

Sorry about the delayed replies but you guys have given us a lot to discuss and think about. We really appreciate all of the input!!

 

Cheers!