Bad situation, advice needed ASAP!!

[myclippedwings]

Hi guys,

 

I live with a couple of housemates at the moment and they are going to view a house for next year without me?

The thing is that they are keeping this secret from me, but I have heard them talk about it.

The reason why they did this is because I fell out with one of the house mates due to arguing, but I have tried to make amends since. However I have stopped trying to talk to him, since I feel like it's always me that needs to make the effort, it feels like a "one way street" relationship, but he thinks that I am ignoring him?

 

I stay in my room all the time, but I do try to talk to my house mates often, it's just that due to repressing my emotions I feel like I need my own space where I can feel my anger. They talk behind my back and label me as silent, but the truth is that I don't feel comfortable around them as it feels that only "happy" or "positive" emotions are allowed when we socialize, which puts pressure on me to sacrifice myself just to fit in??

 

My question is, should I confront them about them betraying me? 

Is it my fault, or are these just shitty people I need to let go and focus on my needs and emotions?

Because every time I interact with them I feel like I need to sacrifice myself?

 

 

[neeeel]

I am not sure you could ( or should ) class it as betraying you. Do you have a written contract saying they must live with you?

 

They are free to do what they want ( within the NAP)

 

I also dont think focussing on fault is necessarily going to get you anywhere

 

I would recommend honesty, but I know that it can be hard to do. So, sit down with them, say, "I heard you talking about moving without me next year, I am quite upset about that, I like living with you guys. What are your reasons for this, can we sort this out, and if so, how?"

 

It sounds like you dont like living with them, though. So why do you want to live with them next year?

[myclippedwings]

I am not sure you could ( or should ) class it as betraying you. Do you have a written contract saying they must live with you?

 

They are free to do what they want ( within the NAP)

 

I also dont think focussing on fault is necessarily going to get you anywhere

 

I would recommend honesty, but I know that it can be hard to do. So, sit down with them, say, "I heard you talking about moving without me next year, I am quite upset about that, I like living with you guys. What are your reasons for this, can we sort this out, and if so, how?"

 

It sounds like you dont like living with them, though. So why do you want to live with them next year?

Hi, thanks for the swift response...

 

I agree they are free to leave me if they want, I am just angry at their dishonesty about it as I can almost guarantee that if I ask them where they went that they would lie to me.

 

I honestly feel like I want to just confront them about it as I am sick of all this passivity in dealing with them.

 

To be honest, I don't really like them, I honestly don't, I think it's just my fear of abandonment making me react this way, or the fact that I feel rejected by them?? But then I remember that if they reject my true self, then are they worth being with?? I feel that they betrayed me because they act friendly in front of me, but do these kind of things behind my back. And also because none of them told me anything, but I am only on bad terms with one of the house mates?

 

Honestly after spending some time looking at my feelings of anger and rage, I am just tired of having to be my false self to keep up with socializing with them, which is why I have withdrawn from them and try to spend more time looking at my own emotions?

 

"It sounds like you dont like living with them, though. So why do you want to live with them next year?"

I think I just feel scared of being abandoned to be honest, I don't like them because they are emotionally dishonest and I always feel the pressure to hide my "negative" feelings when I am around them??

 

What would you recommend me to do??

[neeeel]

 

I agree they are free to leave me if they want, I am just angry at their dishonesty about it as I can almost guarantee that if I ask them where they went that they would lie to me.

 

I honestly feel like I want to just confront them about it as I am sick of all this passivity in dealing with them.

 

To be honest, I don't really like them, I honestly don't, I think it's just my fear of abandonment making me react this way, or the fact that I feel rejected by them?? But then I remember that if they reject my true self, then are they worth being with?? I feel that they betrayed me because they act friendly in front of me, but do these kind of things behind my back. And also because none of them told me anything, but I am only on bad terms with one of the house mates?

 

Honestly after spending some time looking at my feelings of anger and rage, I am just tired of having to be my false self to keep up with socializing with them, which is why I have withdrawn from them and try to spend more time looking at my own emotions?

 

 

It sounds like a lot of dishonesty, and avoidance, is going on from both sides. No one is being open about what the other thinks/feels about this. Instead of hearing what they may say (they dont like you, or dont like living with you ) you are saying how they are hurting you, or lying to you. If you react with anger and rage to them, why would they want to open up to you about whats going on?

 

Are you sure they are rejecting your true self? 

 

It does sound like you are very angry with them. you havent said much about why? Is it the feelings of betrayal? Or is there more?

 

You say you really dont like them. So whats the problem? If you dont like them, why would you feel rejected? do you want to say more about that?

[myclippedwings]

It sounds like a lot of dishonesty, and avoidance, is going on from both sides. No one is being open about what the other thinks/feels about this. Instead of hearing what they may say (they dont like you, or dont like living with you ) you are saying how they are hurting you, or lying to you. If you react with anger and rage to them, why would they want to open up to you about whats going on?

 

Are you sure they are rejecting your true self? 

 

It does sound like you are very angry with them. you havent said much about why? Is it the feelings of betrayal? Or is there more?

 

You say you really dont like them. So whats the problem? If you dont like them, why would you feel rejected? do you want to say more about that?

 

Thank god, you understand what is going on, I feel less isolated now...

 

Basically that is how both sides are dealing with everything at the moment, very passive aggressive and just very hush hush, no one is really showing how they really feel about each other. To be honest, if I confront them I will try my best to just be calm and not be rageful to them?

 

On one hand I want to talk to them honestly, but on the other hand I feel like they don't deserve me being open to them if they are being dishonest like this with me??

 

"Are you sure they are rejecting your true self?"

On one hand, I am not being my true self because I repress my feelings a lot, but on the other hand they are rejecting me for just being me?

 

 

I feel angry with them because I feel that I am trying to be with my emotions, but I don't feel comfortable doing that in their presence, so I do it in my room, but then I get labelled "quiet" by them when they talk about me behind my back. Also I am angry because one of the house mates has a crush on the guy I fell out with, and so  every time I have an argument which is between me and him, she goes upstairs with him and then they talk about me behind my back? I feel like they treat me differently (in a negative sense) because I stopped trying to be fake positive and fake happy all the time?? I feel like since I have stopped going after their approval, they interpret this as me ignoring them or being on bad terms with them? Because in the beginning I did sacrifice myself to be in their presence and I did go after their approval, but all it got me was anxiety and discomfort.

 

 

 "Instead of hearing what they may say (they dont like you, or dont like living with you ) you are saying how they are hurting you, or lying to you. If you react with anger and rage to them, why would they want to open up to you about whats going on?"

 

Do you mean that I should confront them to ask them what they honestly think about me?

It's kinda true that I have mostly reacted with anger and grandiosity when arguing with that housemate (guy), but on the other hand I don't always do this and it seems that they are just not that open to discuss how they are really feeling? But at the same time I am guilty of that too?

 

They are eating in the living room now, I still have my feelings of anger, but I still feel indecisive whether to confront them or not (without being rageful to them, but just calmly discussing this)?

[A4E]

 

I am just angry at their dishonesty about it as I can almost guarantee that if I ask them where they went that they would lie to me

Have they proven themselves to be liars?

[myclippedwings]

Have they proven themselves to be liars?

I haven't confronted them yet, they are i the living room now??

 

Or did you mean, if they lied in the past??

[A4E]

I haven't confronted them yet, they are i the living room now??

 

Or did you mean, if they lied in the past??

In the past yes.

[myclippedwings]

In the past yes.

Mmm, I don't think I have a specific example of catching them lieing. But I feel that they talk to me about me behind my back and just the general passivity of how they deal with me. They aren't honest to me with them not liking me, they just try to hide it and act friendly to me when I talk to them in general.

 

I feel that they have all connived together to not tell me about the viewing, so that's why I said that they would probably lie about viewing the house if I asked them right now?

 

So I think I would have to answer no to the question of them being liars?

[A4E]

Then it looks to me that you can calmly state what it is that is bothering you to them. Note that yelling/shouting/barking/raging is not something you want other people to do to you either.

 

Just be curious, and ask questions. If it looks like the situation might escalate, then that is dangerous, and so you should concede the matter and not let it get to you.

 

If they are unwilling to reveal anything, then you have your answer. They are keeping it secret on purpose, and then there is also no reason to rage or escalate, and so you can let it go.

[neeeel]

I am not sure what you are asking for here. 

 

It seems like the problem is already solved. You dont like them. They dont like you. They are moving out. 

 

What more do you need to do? What would you like to happen? It seems like there is something else going on that I am not clear about. 

I get the feeling that you "need to know" something from them, what would that be?  

[myclippedwings]

Then it looks to me that you can calmly state what it is that is bothering you to them. Note that yelling/shouting/barking/raging is not something you want other people to do to you either.

 

Just be curious, and ask questions. If it looks like the situation might escalate, then that is dangerous, and so you should concede the matter and not let it get to you.

 

If they are unwilling to reveal anything, then you have your answer. They are keeping it secret on purpose, and then there is also no reason to rage or escalate, and so you can let it go.

Hi, thank you very much for your support and understanding...

 

I have just confronted them about this and asked them whether they viewed the property without me...

 

Their response was that they only went out to shopping and then came back home, I even asked them twice and made it clear that I won't be angry with them for revealing this, I just want an open, honest exchange, they lied again. I then asked the guy whether he was still angry with me for the arguments we had, and he just said that he was frustrated.

 

So now, I got my answer, my rage is justified, they are dishonest even when I gave them an opportunity to just discuss this openly.

 

I think I am better off without them next year as I can't stand this open hypocrisy, I think my feelings about them were right all along. These people are narcissistic and constantly need approval and validation from each other and because I don't play into their game, they want to exclude me. Then my inner child feels fear of abandonment, and then I blame myself for not going after them?

 

I will give them a last chance tomorrow when I try to speak to one of them individually, and I will make it clear that I want them to be honest with me and that I won't retaliate or react with hostility or anger because of it.

 

After that, I am done with them and I think I will stick to my feelings at all costs

I am not sure what you are asking for here. 

 

It seems like the problem is already solved. You dont like them. They dont like you. They are moving out. 

 

What more do you need to do? What would you like to happen? It seems like there is something else going on that I am not clear about. 

I get the feeling that you "need to know" something from them, what would that be?  

I felt like I wanted to find out whether they would still lie to me if I would ask them about it. I just did, and they lied. I think I am finished with them in general, if they are so dishonest to me then I just want to let them go.

 

I think me lingering here and bothering you guys (sorry about that) was because I was so indecisive about whether to confront them or not.

 

I think there's also a part of me that feels that my sense of self comes from how others perceive me, which is why I feel shame about them leaving me. This stems more from the fact that I was raised not to have my own sense of self, which is another reason I am on FDR as I am trying to get affirmation from you guys whether it is my fault for being on bad terms with them or whether my instincts about them are right in that I feel that they make it harder for me to be my true self.

Essentially, always struggle internally with whether I am wrong for not pursuing the group and being on my own?

[neeeel]

 

 

I think I am better off without them next year as I can't stand this open hypocrisy, I think my feelings about them were right all along. These people are narcissistic and constantly need approval and validation from each other and because I don't play into their game, they want to exclude me. Then my inner child feels fear of abandonment, and then I blame myself for not going after them?

 

 

I dont think labelling them as narcissistic is useful, or even correct. Of course I dont know the full story, or them. From what you have told us so far, all I can see is them trying to deal with a situation without too much stress or hurt for anyone. Just because you dont get on with them, doesnt make them narcissistic.

 

I have noticed that you seem to be doing a lot of "religious" thinking, that is, assigning motives and thoughts to other people that you cant possibly know. 

[myclippedwings]

I dont think labelling them as narcissistic is useful, or even correct. Of course I dont know the full story, or them. From what you have told us so far, all I can see is them trying to deal with a situation without too much stress or hurt for anyone. Just because you dont get on with them, doesnt make them narcissistic.

 

I have noticed that you seem to be doing a lot of "religious" thinking, that is, assigning motives and thoughts to other people that you cant possibly know. 

Yeah maybe labelling them narcissistic went a bit too far...

 

I think I am just reacting out of anger now. I think I just need to accept that they don't like me and let them be. But this is honestly what I observe from them. 

[dsayers]

Unless you could have all your stuff taken from you and still get along perfectly fine, choosing who you live with is extremely important.

 

I would use this as a learning experience. Namely in the future, I would only live with people you have an agreed upon method for conflict resolution. When I read you say that interactions can only be positive, this tells me that conflict resolution was something that wasn't discussed up front. In fact, just bringing up conflict resolution will put some people off, instantly letting you know that they reject their own capacity for error and/or lack empathy for others. It doesn't matter how similar two people are; No two people are identical. There's always going to be conflict, regardless of how mild. It's important to have an agreed upon way to resolve such conflicts.

 

Based on your side of the story, it doesn't sound like confronting them will do anything other than motivate retaliation or otherwise make things worse for you. I'd start taking steps to secure living arrangements that aren't dependent upon them and avail yourself of those options as soon as you are able.

[myclippedwings]

Unless you could have all your stuff taken from you and still get along perfectly fine, choosing who you live with is extremely important.

 

I would use this as a learning experience. Namely in the future, I would only live with people you have an agreed upon method for conflict resolution. When I read you say that interactions can only be positive, this tells me that conflict resolution was something that wasn't discussed up front. In fact, just bringing up conflict resolution will put some people off, instantly letting you know that they reject their own capacity for error and/or lack empathy for others. It doesn't matter how similar two people are; No two people are identical. There's always going to be conflict, regardless of how mild. It's important to have an agreed upon way to resolve such conflicts.

 

Based on your side of the story, it doesn't sound like confronting them will do anything other than motivate retaliation or otherwise make things worse for you. I'd start taking steps to secure living arrangements that aren't dependent upon them and avail yourself of them as soon as you are able.

Hi dsayers, thank you very much for your helpful response, sigh, where do I begin...

 

The problem is that I could not choose my house mates as I couldn't meet them before coming to my accommodation. I will definitely use this as a lesson for the future though. You are right about conflict resolution because every time I bring up an uncomfortable topic, or if there is an argument about something, people either leave the room, change the topic or just become angry without expressing why or discussing any further (being silent/avoidant) so we can resolve problems without making them catastrophes. This is what disappoints me the most as I think that they avoid conflict resolution because they either think it will escalate into me flying into a rage or that they just cannot bring themselves to share or discuss difficult emotions like this?

 

Yeah I've confronted them now, they are trying to be nice to me to stop me from being angry because they think that I will be violent to them, but I won't do anything like that and I just can't help how angry and betrayed I feel by them? 

 

I definitely agree with you that I should just move out with some other friends next year and not make myself dependent on them.

 

On an unrelated note: dude, I have always been intrigued by your profile pic, could you tell me what the story is behind it? Looks like a family photo of someone rapping in a bunny suit?