I Owe You An Apology

[Matt D]

Dear FDR Listener,

 

I owe you an apology. About five months ago, I got involved with a woman who tried desperately to pull me away from philosophy. She would say, "Is there anything you don't agree with Stef on? I want to make sure you're not being brainwashed." She was interested in polyamory, and I couldn't say no. I couldn't, I wouldn't, I didn't see her for what she was... a different species. We would fight, break up, get back together, and I believed she would change. I told myself that once she got a taste of a monogamous relationship she would change, that she wouldn't have the desire for polyamory. But that wasn't the case. Two days ago I ended the relationship after a difficult final conversation.

 

Once the initial hormones wore off, she was longing for someone else. I know it's little to do with me and a lot to do with her upbringing, with a vacant hole that her father left. I asked her, "will I ever be enough for you?" She replied honestly, "I don't think you will." And somehow I was supposed to be okay with that.

 

So for those of you who listened to my call with Stef and who tried to warn me about the dicknapping, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. The worst part is she almost succeeded. She almost pulled me away from all the friends I made through this community. I thought to myself, maybe she's right; maybe I need to stop listening to podcasts. It's affecting my brain somehow and the way I interact with other people. I didn't realize that I was losing myself. My career suffered because of it -- I picked up everything and moved cities to be near her. I can only thank god she never got pregnant. 

 

On this Thanksgiving I have a lot to be thankful for. Most of all, I'm thankful for this community, for the people who hear the battlecry and pick up their swords to face down evil in the world. And I'm thankful for Stef for not giving up. After ten years, I'm sure there were numerous times he wanted to throw in the towel and go back to doing what was comfortable. His courage is an inspiration, and makes me want to become a better person. I so grateful for all those in my life... which isn't a lot, but it's more than I've ever had. I feel stronger than ever because of it.

 

So again, I'm sorry for not listening. I could blame it on biology but I won't make it that easy on myself. I want to have kids more than just about anything, but I can't let that blind me to the sustenance of my soul. I can't let lust shape and define my future. There are no compromises when it comes to values in relationships. Either you're on the same team, or you're not. Something tells me that in the years to come, we will need people who are on our team.

 

Until that day comes, keep spreading the message of philosophy. Look closely at those around you. Just because someone's an anarchist doesn't automatically make them a good person. Just because someone claims to recognize the value of peaceful parenting doesn't mean that person is compatible. We want shortcuts when it comes to relationships, but the evidence reveals itself very quickly if you know what to look for. The hormones will get in the way, which is why you've got to have friends who have your back. Don't let it get to a second date without getting the opinion of someone who will tell it to you straight.

 

It's a hard lesson to learn, but it helps if I can serve as an example to others of what not to do. Thank you and take care.

 

Video:

 

Note: The call-in show I reference is "FDR 3082: The Gl0ryh0le 0f S0cietal C0llapse - September 23rd, 2015"

 

 

For more on what I learned from this short-lived relationship:
What I Learned From My Last Relationship

 

[Matthew Ed Moran]

Ultimately you did listen, and I think your future kids will be glad you did.

 

I'm really sorry about the relationship and how confusing it was. In the video you seem to be holding back a lot of pain. I hope you are finding healthy ways to express your pain now that you are free from this "relationship." I really think you deserve it. You do a lot of good for the community and I appreciate that. You don't owe me an apology.

[J. D. Stembal]

I have a personal rule, and it's called no apologies.

 

There is a very supportive group of people in this community, and we understand that life lessons must be learned experientially. You will usually fail many times before you succeed. I've had to learn and re-learn these lessons for myself. As we commit the virtues to memory, we become stronger as individuals and as a community.

 

As for finding a virtuous mate within the FDR community, there will be a lot of pretenders who come along attempting to snag the young and the vulnerable with fertility and irrationality. One day, I will come out of my self-imposed celibacy in order to reproduce, but I'm not going to compromise my values to do so. I'm on the lookout for the pretenders (in order to avoid them, and assist others in avoiding them) and the real virtuous ladies. I'd welcome PMs but that ability has been administratively removed from my account. There are plenty of other ways to contact me.

 

[TheSchoolofAthens]

Some lessons we have to learn the hard way because of our refusal to learn the easy way - via rational discourse. Your genuine message touched me and it reminded me of how important it is that we don't ever give up. We don't ever give up on ourselves, on our community, and on our goals.

It was a hell of a battle for you to get from the toxic relationship you were in to where you are today. We are here for each other, even when the world can seem so cold and changeless, we are here to remind each other that what we value is worth it. Every day, Stefan works to spread rationality to make the world a better place, and as you said, he must get so stressed and tired on occasions and with certain topics, but he doesn't give up.

I got out of a toxic relationship this year as well. A lot of factors go into it, I feared loneliness, I felt lust, I thought I could fix her, when in reality I was the one who needed repair: why would I want to be with the type of girl I was with?! We do so much to try to fix other people, when all along the person we should focus on first is the person in the mirror. Then, once we can confidently say, and with supporting evidence, that we are rational beings, we can help others. We just must never give up on ourselves, and from there we can make the world a better place. That is exactly what you've done and I give you a big internet hug for that.​

 

[dsayers]

Some lessons we have to learn the hard way because of our refusal to learn the easy way - via rational discourse.

The way I look at it: It takes intelligence to learn from your experiences. It takes wisdom to learn from the experiences of others. Wisdom is usually just intelligence tempered with time.

 

I was there once myself. I have a tattoo of the word TORMENTED and another of a succubus swooping down and carving the word VICTIM into me. I once embraced if not delighted in my victimhood status at the hands of women. So you're not the first, or at all alone. Not that it's a gender thing; this story just as much applies to many adult children regarding their parents as well.

 

I was stunned when I read the "wanted to make sure you weren't being brainwashed." Most of the things FDR produces is for the purpose of shattering institutionalized brainwashing. If she was afraid you were being brainwashed by rationality, couldn't she just use rationality to disprove something you had been "tricked into believing"?

[J. D. Stembal]

I was stunned when I read the "wanted to make sure you weren't being brainwashed." Most of the things FDR produces is for the purpose of shattering institutionalized brainwashing. If she was afraid you were being brainwashed by rationality, couldn't she just use rationality to disprove something you had been "tricked into believing"?

 

Accusations of brainwashing is the go-to castigation for feminists. The patriarchy has supposedly succeeded in brainwashing women over the centuries, but when a man decides to think for himself for a change (instead of thinking with his genitals), he is suddenly a victim of whims from outside of himself, and can't possibly be following logic or reason.

 

In my last relationship, I was cherished for being passionate about my beliefs. I was an inspiration to my mate. When I told her that I had decided that I would not have children with her, she set forth a string of accusations against me. I was no longer passionate, but obsessed with the voluntary family. She characterized herself as crazy to have considered letting me home school her children. I was no longer an inspirational free-thinker, but a mindless drone that had been brainwashed by a philosophy cult led by a man whom I have never met, which is amusing because I am one of the most openly critical contributors of the FDR community.

 

Women would like to believe that we can be tricked into falling in love with them and raising their children, but the truth is that we can be very discerning when we are mindful to think things out before jumping into situations blindly, such as moving in with a woman while we still have doubts. Don't do it, ever. Keep your autonomy. Keep a separate residence. Stay safe; stay sane.

[Stephen Jennings]

I have a personal rule, and it's called no apologies.

 

There is a very supportive group of people in this community, and we understand that life lessons must be learned experientially. 

 

 

Agreed, a lesson lived is a lesson learned.

[PatrickC]

Well done old chap!

 

It's not about podcasts of course. It's about personal integrity and future happiness. All the best man.