Should moving on be this difficult?

[asreon]

I screwed up a relationship beyond repair about 6 months (I think more) ago and I still can't seem to be able to "store" the bad thoughts away and move on, though the other person seems to have done so just fine. It's like the memories are constantly being pulled back out for no reason whatsoever and I often find myself having breakdowns because of it.

Should it really be this difficult to forget the past and move forwards?

[dsayers]

In what way did you screw up the relationship? If you can't answer that question, it probably will stay with you. How/why did you do whatever you did? That too will be helpful in being able to move on. You'll have to process the experiences honestly.

[Rachelle]

I agree with what dsayers has already stated about having to process the experiences honestly and understand what you did and why you did it.

I've also made mistakes in a relationship which ultimately ended. It's been 8 months since then and after a lot of effort put into figuring out what the relationship was and if it was deeply dysfunctional or not, what I did wrong, and in what ways it was connected to my historical relationship with my parents, I still have moments (although far less often) when I think of the relationship and feel pain or confusion. I used to feel overwhelmed by my feelings and not want to feel so strongly or I thought something was wrong with me. However I don't think that anymore.

I found that by thinking and acting as if my feelings were inconvenient, destroying my life, that something was wrong with me and I shouldn't feel the way I do, or it shouldn't take this long to heal that I was in a sense causing myself to become overwhelmed or non-functioning because just as my parents had done in the past I was now invalidating my feelings and experiences which made me feel worse and intensify my feelings of abandonment, invisibility, and helplessness. I was basically telling myself that I won't be there for myself, that I won't be caring or loving, or curious or open to discussing how I feel or what happened. I've learned that being patient with myself and respectful and curious about my feelings and historical experiences/relationships makes it possible for me to achieve greater self-knowledge and self-love.

The strong feelings I had was an indicator of how important it was for me to understand the relationship, what happened, and what was happening after the end of it. At times what I'm experiencing in the present can remind me of that person or an aspect of the relationship, or when I'm facing a problem I realize that it's a problem that's connected to that relationship and that it can be used as an example or to differentiate. I think one's feelings can be a great warning and motivator to learn more about yourself or the world, if they're treated as allies instead of enemies.

 

I'd say that there's definitely reasons why you're being pulled back to certain memories because there's probably something you need to understand or learn before you feel safe in moving on and I don't think forgetting the past in how you move forward in a healthy way, but rather understanding it and yourself. If you think and feel like moving on is difficult then my suggestion is to just accept that it's difficult. I don't think there's anything wrong with it being difficult and if you want to understand why it's difficult then I think the first step that makes achieving that easier is to just accept that it is before exploring why.

I don't know if you're being patient with yourself or not, I just got the sense that you weren't and I may be wrong and none of this may be helpful. Doing IFS self-therapy has helped me change how I approach myself and my feelings, and my friend also shared this article with me that made me think more seriously about feelings and how I was treated in the past and it helped me understand some aspects of myself.

http://eqi.org/invalid.htm#Introduction

Take care.

[Will Torbald]

I screwed up a relationship beyond repair about 6 months (I think more) ago and I still can't seem to be able to "store" the bad thoughts away and move on, though the other person seems to have done so just fine. It's like the memories are constantly being pulled back out for no reason whatsoever and I often find myself having breakdowns because of it.

Should it really be this difficult to forget the past and move forwards?

 

If you screwed up, it will keep coming back as long as you don't integrate the consequences of your mistake. What does that say about your character? Were you immoral, were you deceptive? Are you avoiding judging yourself? If you judge others, you can also judge yourself. If the other person seems to be doing just fine maybe it's because he didn't screw up, doesn't blame himself for it, and just leaves it behind. Personally I still have the consequences of screw ups I did years ago, not just months, in my memory. Why should I forget about them? They're what keeps me from repeating them.