Don't be a coward like me

[A4E]

Today I had the opportunity to intervene in child abuse.

 

A 3-4 year old girl was being slapped 'mildly' on the hands while she was sitting at a table from probably her father, a restaurant owner. I felt my anger and disgust building up. I said to myself that if anything more serious happens, I will do something. Then the girl, as all children, explored around, and found a washing broom. The father immediately stopped her and slapped her on the shoulder. Harder this time. My head was spinning around trying to decide what to do.

 

But I am a coward. Either that or my niceness was holding me down. One of my (irrational) plans was to just get up and go push him over if he did something more. I was also contemplating staging a fall onto him to just hurt him back in some way. Or give him the finger in a discreet manner when it came time to pay. In hindsight I think I should have at least told him that his child will suffer psychologically in the future.

 

But all I managed to do was not saying anything and leaving in disgust. Never to return.

 

But this has ruined my day and probably days to come. I feel like SHlT for not doing anything, and my mind is repeatedly trying to get me to go back and do something. If I had done something, then I am pretty sure I would feel better now. Also because I only got to see the surface of the abuse I am sure. Very disgusting to see it in public, even if it is not in my home country.

 

So my advice is when the opportunity appear, don't be a coward like me. You will regret it! I am very disappointed and angry at myself for not doing anything...

[Sima]

If you feel helplessness and want to help those children, can start by sharing more FDR podcasts on non spanking topic and doing similar activities, maybe do a podcast yourself or offer for some websites who talk about children and parenting? Could make you feel better in a long term. Here in Netherlands is very unpopular to slap children, i worked as a babysitter in 5 families, its quite uncommon with people who have education and money.  But to say something to that father would have been good because the child would remember that someone stood up for her. But the guy probably would have attacked you badly, and you would be walking around the whole day with that toxic waste he dumped on you ( i mean feeling awful, or dissociated, or shocked). If you feel guilty, try spreading the non spanking idea online, thats like contribution. 

[ProfessionalTeabagger]

I don't think you're a coward and I'm pretty sure you'd have done something if the abuse had been a little bit more. From your story I sense that you were about to crack.

I don't think I would have said anything either. It's really hard because you know when you speak up you are seriously challenging generations of social norms so you're unlikely to have back-up and you're accusing someone of wrong-doing with their child. It's pretty scary. 

[A4E]

I don't think any garbage from him would have stayed with me. Reading your posts I started crying. This has really gotten to me. I am choking up. I don't think I have seen public child abuse before. The people working in the restaurant was very quiet and was just mostly looking down. Which probably means that it has been going on for a while.

 

And there wasn't just the slapping, but also threats of slapping when she was sitting at the table.

[Sima]

Its actually sad...

also could be that situation echos with your parents behaviour towards you, thats why you can empathise with the child so much.

Crying is the hard part, but I also had a lot of stress when i saw how my sister's husband shouts at my nephew, how neglected and sometimes spanked the boy was ( i havent really seen my nephew for 2 years) . I remember crying at night about that poor boy, and then i had what i thought was a hart attack, but it turned out it was a sudden nerve damage in the neck.  It is difficult to see those things, especially if your parents were not good to you as a child. Because it reminds painful stuff. I said to my sister that my nephew deserves to have a happy childhood, i told about spanking damage on long term, she doesnt like me anymore that much as before. The pain will disappear in time, hope you will not get sick from stress!

[ProfessionalTeabagger]

It shows your capacity to empathize is strong. I know we're generally anarchists around here but maybe you could contact social services. Maybe you could gather some evidence to show them. 

[RCali]

Yes, you were a coward for not taking action. What you should have done, in my opinion, was to speak to him, as calmly as possible, about the effects of spanking. Generally, saying things too aggressively, such as using "child abuse" instead of "spanking", can have them become defensive. If you don't show any aggression, they may never activate their defenses, and actually listen to you. It's hard to remain calm in that situation, sure, but you need to try. You need to do something, at least, even if it's not perfect. Consider printing a panflet on the effects of child abuse, and peaceful parenting (there's been someone who made one recently here in the forums), go back there, and give it to him, as politely as possible. 

 

Remember: regret is important to feel, so you do not commit the errors of the past. Just don't let it dominate your mind.

[David Ottinger]

I haven't encounter such an incident yet, but I've wondered how I'd approach it.  My biggest struggle is with the following question arising, "So how should I handle X?"   In this restaurant example, the parent might ask, "How would I teach her not to grab the broom?"  

 

From my sales experience I know benefits sell.  So knowing what I know, what can I do to produce value for this parent?   What would be the benefits of an ignorant parent being informed of the long term consequences of such parenting? 

 

In this restaurant incident, in the parents eyes he's restricting her in order to prevent commotion of some sort.  In the child's eyes she is exploring her curiosity.  Thus, he's punishing her for her curiosity, albeit he sees it as teaching her control.  How do I share this insight into reality?

[Carl Green]

But I am a coward. Either that or my niceness was holding me down. One of my (irrational) plans was to just get up and go push him over if he did something more. I was also contemplating staging a fall onto him to just hurt him back in some way. Or give him the finger in a discreet manner when it came time to pay. In hindsight I think I should have at least told him that his child will suffer psychologically in the future.

 

Every method of intervention you proposed here was essentially adding another negative to the situation. You pushing him over would have been akin to you 'smacking his hand'. There are ways to go about it by adding a positive into the situation. Even still, I think you can do something about this. You said you think the person was the restaurant owner. This is good because it means you can likely call the restaurant during what shouldn't be a busy time and attempt to contact the person over the phone. This will remove you physically from the situation which might help with any fears. I strongly urge though, that you don't call up and complain. I think it's better for the child if you figure out how to communicate something to the guy that has the most chance of him considering your perspective. Empathize with his situation. "I know it must be tough running your business and keeping an eye on your children at the same time. I just wanted to call to suggest that when you want to get your girl to do something right away by hitting or smacking her, that you could be hurting how she thinks when she's grown up. And I know it seems like there's never time but it would really help your daughter if you could just take 20-30 seconds to collect your thoughts and explain why you want something." Obviously I can't know, but I think this would have a far better chance than just calling up and saying something like "I'll never come back to your store because I saw you hitting your kid." That method might get him to not hit her in public any more, but it's also less likely to get to the root of the issue.

[J. D. Stembal]

Abusers are best addressed in public with eye contact. Stare at them with concern until they stop. This works especially well with mean, angry parents who are verbally beating their children down. It takes the focus off the child and places it on to you.

With a situation that looks like it is escalating, as in the parent is losing control and may do something they regret, and eye contact isn't working, approach the adult and ask them the simple question, "Can I help?"

 

These two strategies should diffuse most situations. Don't run in there like Rambo looking to save the child. It's not going to happen. We are all stuck with the parents we have until adulthood or legal emancipation.

[A4E]

Abusers are best addressed in public with eye contact. Stare at them with concern until they stop. This works especially well with mean, angry parents who are verbally beating their children down. It takes the focus off the child and places it on to you.

 

With a situation that looks like it is escalating, as in the parent is losing control and may do something they regret, and eye contact isn't working, approach the adult and ask them the simple question, "Can I help?"

 

These two strategies should diffuse most situations. Don't run in there like Rambo looking to save the child. It's not going to happen. We are all stuck with the parents we have until adulthood or legal emancipation.

Have you experienced these 2 situations yourself? Did you ask "Can I help?", What happened??

 

 

I am sorry to everyone contributing. I have some kind of mental block and don't want to reply. I don't want to deal with this memory. It still hurts that I did nothing significant and being too cowardly to do something afterwards. I am not in that country now though.

 

I did not expect that I would turn into an angry jellyfish when seeing public child abuse first hand. One can only speculate if I would have done something if the abuse had escalated.

 

Thank you for your support. I hope I will do something if there is a next time, because this episode seems to have left an emotional scar in me.

[J. D. Stembal]

Have you experienced these 2 situations yourself? Did you ask "Can I help?", What happened??

 

 

I am sorry to everyone contributing. I have some kind of mental block and don't want to reply. I don't want to deal with this memory. It still hurts that I did nothing significant and being too cowardly to do something afterwards. I am not in that country now though.

 

I did not expect that I would turn into an angry jellyfish when seeing public child abuse first hand. One can only speculate if I would have done something if the abuse had escalated.

 

Thank you for your support. I hope I will do something if there is a next time, because this episode seems to have left an emotional scar in me.

 

I encountered a Hispanic woman at the bus stop struggling to restrain her son on her lap while he was hitting and yelling at her. I had been looking at her for a couple minutes from five to ten feet away and she was not making eye contact with me. When she began to man-handle her son, she seemed visibly saddened and agitated about something perhaps unrelated to her son's aggravation, I asked if I could help her. She looked at me, smiled and seem quite relieved that I had said something, and replied, "No, thank you." The struggle then resolved itself, and her and the child relaxed. I sat across from them on the bus and her child seemed very content playing on her phone. She continued to smile at me for the remainder of the bus ride.

 

I've also used the stare successfully with another woman who was being very callous and neglectful to a child that wanted her attention while they were riding on the bus. In this case, I'm unsure whether the woman was the mother or not, but after seeing my expression, her treatment of the child changed.

[ToniC]

A4E,

     That situation sounds to have been very difficult for you, and thank you for sharing about your experience. Were you feeling afraid of the man, or that he might turn his physical aggression at you and try to beat your ass? Were you having any physical sensations like rapid breathing and heart rate, like a fight or flight response when you witnessed him hitting his daughter, and at your own thinking of intervening? Also, why does not intervening == necessarily being a coward? Have you dialogued with yourself about what was going on for you in that situation and if you had personal fears come up for you, like being harmed yourself?  Have you given your ANY empathy as what that situation was like for you and that little girl? I'm curious to know more about what was going on for you in that experience, and I'm not interested in telling you what you should have done. 

 

     I have intervened a few times on behalf of children being yelled at, threatened, assaulted et al, and I had physical reactions, and even readied myself for physical attack as I know it is very possible for that type of escalation. My interventions weren't taken on lightly, and I always consider my safety first when deciding to intervene. Do you think one choosing their own safety and well-being in witnessing an abuse situation and not intervening is a cowardly act, or should one not have any concern for one's own well-being and possible consequences and go all in?

 

     I am having curiosity toward to this coward characterization you and another are applying to you. I don't see many question marks in this thread. Have you given yourself any sympathy at witnessing what was happening to and for that little girl, and how you were feeling?

[Matthew Ed Moran]

Did you say this was the first incident of child abuse which you were in a position to intervene?

 

It's not usual that people are amazing at handling new situations, or even with any efficiency at all. I think if you are self attacking and having a hard time making the most of this situation (as in learning from it), it could be that you are holding premises that are false or in contradiction with one another (like the idea that intervening is always ideal, or that you had the possibility of successfully intervening given your experience).

 

I know when I sometimes see child abuse I feel very helpless to intervene. And other times I have intervened. The time when I felt the least hesitation to say something had the best results! I give credit to my feelings if they make it difficult for me to intervene. It could cause a worse situation (you get a verbal lashing, or the kid does), and your feelings may be adeptly aware of this when they make it difficult for you to act. 

 

And also, the one time when I was hesitant to intervene, but pushed forward despite having significant anxiety, it did not have the best outcome (hard to say if it was worth it overall).

 

I'm really sorry for your experience I see a lot of good advice here, and the general consensus seems to be that you don't deserve to beat yourself up. So I hope you take that to heart