Thoughts on pursuing therapy with my family

[BaylorPRSer]

My family and I are looking into getting a therapist. I understand the defoo to be something to protect oneself from further abuse. My parents and I are at a point where I no longer expect abuse from them. There are still moments when they avoid responsibility, particularly my mom, but they have both come a long way and have accepted responsibility for a lot.

 

They are very willing to work through our remaining issues with a therapist.

 

I am constantly blaming my parents in my head for all of my problems. I am worried my healing is about them rather than about me. I have a lot of unexpressed thoughts I'd like to work through with them.

 

However, another part of me is worried I've been wounded to a point where my rage will resent me forever if I pursue healing with them.

 

There's another part of me that wants to defoo to hurt them for hurting me. Another part of me says I shouldn't make a decision for the purpose of hurting someone.

 

Am I creating a false dichotomy? I've tried significantly curtailing my interaction with them and it hasn't worked. When I say worked, I mean freed up any of the mental bandwidth my parents were occupying. Does that make the choice to either cease contact with them or pursue healing? Is it a false hope to think healing with a family therapist can provide closure?

 

As of now, I believe that on my deathbed I will want to know I did what I could and chose not to reject an opportunity to pursue healing with my parents, but I'm interested any feedback I can get.

 

I'm willing to share more about my background for clarification.

 

Thanks everyone

[J. D. Stembal]

If your parents are enthusiastic and curious about you and wish to join you in therapy and pay for it, then I say go for it and explore your thoughts with them.

 

My real and internalized parents double down on me when I express myself to them. There is no curiosity in these statements at all.

J.D.'s mother: "You can't tell me that I don't love you."

 

J.D.'s father: "I was once young and naive like you (but I am older and wiser now)."

 

It should be worthwhile to have an internal conversation with the protector. He is the one that is angry at your parents. If you can get him to trust your internalized parents, he will calm down and listen to reason. If your parents are feigning interest in your recovery, your protector will know it. If they genuinely want to heal with you, the protector will back off.

[BaylorPRSer]

If your parents are enthusiastic and curious about you and wish to join you in therapy and pay for it, then I say go for it and explore your thoughts with them.

 

My real and internalized parents double down on me when I express myself to them. There is no curiosity in these statements at all.

 

J.D.'s mother: "You can't tell me that I don't love you."

 

J.D.'s father: "I was once young and naive like you (but I am older and wiser now)."

 

It should be worthwhile to have an internal conversation with the protector. He is the one that is angry at your parents. If you can get him to trust your internalized parents, he will calm down and listen to reason. If your parents are feigning interest in your recovery, your protector will know it. If they genuinely want to heal with you, the protector will back off.

Thanks for the advice JD.  How could I get the protector to trust my internalized parents?  At the moment, it seems like he just wants mom and Dad out of my head and it's hard for me to blame him.

[J. D. Stembal]

Thanks for the advice JD.  How could I get the protector to trust my internalized parents?  At the moment, it seems like he just wants mom and Dad out of my head and it's hard for me to blame him.

 

This is an IFS (Internal Family Systems) strategy and it is a lot harder than it seems. The protector won't relax until you get in the mindset of self. If your self is in control of your thoughts, words and actions, the fragmented parts of your personality yield. The protector is probably freaking out because you experience pain, fear and anxiety. These are the feelings of the exile he is protecting from your parents, real and imagined. To calm the protector, you get into self, and ask the protector to put down his guard so that you can talk to the other parts.

 

Intellectually, you understand that even if you never speak with your parents again, they will be talking to you inside your head until your death. While the protector that wants you to de-FOO to get back at them has well meaning intentions, it is only a defense mechanism, and it is not smart enough to see that it will not solve the issue in the long run.

 

Everyone is different emotionally, and it is helpful to map the key players in your head out on paper, and create names for them. I have a protector similar to yours, which I call the Vengeful Spirit. If I am triggered emotionally by someone trying to control me or tell me what to do, he comes out. I've also noticed recently that he is triggered far more easily by woman than men, which I believe means that I was bossed around more by women than men in my childhood. That was a surprise to me because I had always identified my father as the epitome of hypercritical, bossy, and arrogant. Why should women trigger me more easily? I hardly ever saw my father, but I had to put up with women all the time in school, daycare, and at home.

[Matthew Ed Moran]

Baylor, what do you mean your parents have accepted responsibility for a lot? What does that look like?

 

Why aren't they already in therapy if they've acknowledged their responsibility for abusing you? If they are seriously committed to change, they'd already be pursuing therapy, whether you joined them or not, because they would want to become less abusive people. I don't think there is just a switch where abusive people turn into self knowledgeable and empathetic people; it takes a lot of work, especially if they have been abusive people for years. At some point, after inflicting so much abuse, their conscience would probably be unrecoverable. 

 

You said you don't expect anymore abuse, not to nitpick, but what you expect is not the same as what is realistic. I would be more convinced this was true (not that I'm claiming it's not true, I just think the words you've chosen say something important) if you said you could be sure you would not be abused by them anymore. That they have committed to never abusing you again, and that you could be very confident in them not to.

 

But anyway, you said your mom is still avoiding responsibility, and if your mom is still has a relationship with your father, then he is also guilty of enabling this abuse. This is a continuation of abuse. It is horrible and damaging to you for them not to take responsibility for abuse that was inflicted upon you; it is erasing you, like a passive murderous rage to suppress the real you, and it is definitely not healthy to endure this.

 

I recommend Death By Neglect, podcast 728 (I think, should be within that range) to learn more about how damaging it is for abusers to neglect your need to be heard, if you have not already heard it. Even if you have, maybe it is time for a re-listen to reconnect to what you may be enraged and terrified of dealing with around your parents.

 

Wish you the best whatever you chose, please keep us updated on how you are handling your situation with your parents

[dsayers]

My parents and I are at a point where I no longer expect abuse from them. There are still moments when they avoid responsibility

I find these to be competing claims. I view the act of rejecting responsibility to be re-victimization.

 

I am constantly blaming my parents in my head for all of my problems. I am worried my healing is about them rather than about me. I have a lot of unexpressed thoughts I'd like to work through with them.

I think this is a beneficial FIRST step. However, it sounds as if you've already taken this step and they're not receptive. Which would mean that holding onto this desire is a rejection of reality in favor of your preference. My father continues to abuse me specifically by rejecting reality in favor of his preferences. So I would be worried that if you're willing to hold onto that desire regardless of how unrealistic it might be that it would impede your ability to heal.

 

Since you mentioned mental bandwidth, I wanted to share my experience. It used to be that when my father tried to dig into me by inflicting a conclusion on me or talking outside of reality, my mind would be shot for the whole day, focusing on what he said, how wrong he was, how can he be so wrong and still proceed, etc. Since then, his digs have become about 99% powerless over me. What changed? I had confronted him about such things. He made it clear that he was certain aggression was necessary, that he was less interested in me rather than the effects of my labor, and has never expressed any curiosity or entertained the possibility that my experience even COULD be valid. Once I realized there was nothing else I COULD do, I absolved myself of what wasn't my responsibility in the first place. Once I accepted this reality, it no longer had the power to harm me. Yes, it would be nice if the person I've known longer than anybody else is somebody I could depend on, but that's not up to me.

 

There's another part of me that wants to defoo to hurt them for hurting me. Another part of me says I shouldn't make a decision for the purpose of hurting someone.

Hurting somebody that has hurt you wouldn't be unjust. However, I would caution against it not because it's intentional harm, but because it would be a behavior engage in for them rather than for you. If a slave did the exact opposite of what the master commanded, he's still a slave because in his mind, the master is the point of origin, not himself. Does that make sense?

[BaylorPRSer]

They've apologized for many things and accepted that they dropped the ball and let me down. There have been times when I have shared something and they have accepted responsibility. Other times, I'll share and my delivery will trigger a defense. when I start shouting and my face crinkles with anger, it is harder to have a productive talk. There have been a few times when I've shared and they don't get how they did anything wrong, but after some further dialogue, it starts to click.

 

 

My parents are looking for a therapist now, but they have never done individual therapy. I think the reason is that most people don't consider therapy. My roommate committed suicide and I didn't pursue therapy for another 4 or 5 years. It's just not something most people consider.

 

It's very murky because many things I bring up are met with my parents taking responsibility. Others, they have a hard time with, but I think that's partially because they don't have the understanding of the human psyche that I have. They don't understand that rage isn't something you can just get rid of. However, with the right therapist, I think they are capable of understanding.

[dsayers]

I'll share and my delivery will trigger a defense

I too have struggled with communicating ideas in ways that aren't provocative or accusatory.

 

It sounds like you've thought it through and believe you have reason to continue to participate. I hope you're right. One thing I'm curious about though: Have they seen a pattern at all? I mean in terms of not accepting your experience right away and then realizing your experience was valid. Or when they realize there's more than one thing you're thinking about, do they express curiosity? Have they asked what else you might want to talk to them about? If I do damage, I want to know how much damage I've done so that I can make restitution. In the parent-child relationship, I think there's nothing wrong with making up for it "too much." But it sounds like they're resisting every step.

 

Be careful.

[Mantis]

I kinda have to agree with my man Dsayers here.

 

My perspective is, go ahead and give the joint therapy sessions a shot, but what the outcome will be is forgiving your parents. This is what therapists do with parent child therapy sessions. They eventually drive you to forgive your parents and understand that they are broken mutilated souls, and that your only option for recovery and healing is to acknowledge the extent on human suffering on the earth.

 

Now this is indeed healing, I won't contend with that. But it has to be what you want. What will happen with you parent therapy session is you will see how broken and mutilated they are, you will see how unconscious they are, you will see how sad and pathetic they are, and you will be forced to see that they were never in control of their lives, and are still not in control of their lives.

 

I think this parent therapy can be a good thing, but it's not what you think it is. To be clear therapists take "everyone's side" in these joint therapy sessions. They attempt to heal you and your parents and this scenario can get complicated, I guarantee it will be complicated. But give it shot and stay conscious about how you feel, then terminate it'll it feels wrong.

 

Sometimes we need to terminate therapists.