utopian Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 I went to sleep at about 1 AM. It was about 4:30 AM when I woke just now from a dream so disturbing that I cannot stop thinking long enough to go back to bed. I don't want to disclose what it was about, I feel ashamed to have had it. I realize that, for me to have had such thoughts in my head, I must be much more disturbed than I originally thought I was. I have read about people who have killed themselves because the things that I dreamed happened to them in real life. I suppose I am lucky that I have only ever been a couple steps below these events, though my suicidal thoughts seem to make more sense in light of this. I am almost 30 years old, and only lately have I been capable of being able to fully function on my own to the point where I can live on my own and be my own person now. This seems to be opening a floodgate of self realization for me. One of the things I realize now, mostly because of my dream, is that I was... groomed. Conditioned as a child to meet an expectation that my parents did not even realize they had. This expectation was monstrous. And yet, for me to have had this dream, I must have lived my whole life trained by my parents to fulfill this expectation. It seems clear to me now that one parent was mostly to blame for this conditioning, though they would not realize it. The other parent could not know this was going on, although their training of me seems to have been a perfect collaboration for the goal of the other. I feel like I know why I am so alone all the time, spend most of my time avoiding people and not making friends, even though people have noticeably reached out for me. I feel like I know why I see myself and other humans as so disposable and unimportant. I know why I can't get along with people, and can't have an actual girlfriend, much less friend period. My parents taught me to never allow for the possibility of living with anyone other than them. They taught and conditioned me to never allow for the possibility of love. For god's sakes, my own parents conditioned me against the natural evolutionary instincts to continue the gene pool, and made me incapable of love. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J. D. Stembal Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 I went to sleep at about 1 AM. It was about 4:30 AM when I woke just now from a dream so disturbing that I cannot stop thinking long enough to go back to bed. I don't want to disclose what it was about, I feel ashamed to have had it. I realize that, for me to have had such thoughts in my head, I must be much more disturbed than I originally thought I was. I have read about people who have killed themselves because the things that I dreamed happened to them in real life. I suppose I am lucky that I have only ever been a couple steps below these events, though my suicidal thoughts seem to make more sense in light of this. I am almost 30 years old, and only lately have I been capable of being able to fully function on my own to the point where I can live on my own and be my own person now. This seems to be opening a floodgate of self realization for me. One of the things I realize now, mostly because of my dream, is that I was... groomed. Conditioned as a child to meet an expectation that my parents did not even realize they had. This expectation was monstrous. And yet, for me to have had this dream, I must have lived my whole life trained by my parents to fulfill this expectation. It seems clear to me now that one parent was mostly to blame for this conditioning, though they would not realize it. The other parent could not know this was going on, although their training of me seems to have been a perfect collaboration for the goal of the other. I feel like I know why I am so alone all the time, spend most of my time avoiding people and not making friends, even though people have noticeably reached out for me. I feel like I know why I see myself and other humans as so disposable and unimportant. I know why I can't get along with people, and can't have an actual girlfriend, much less friend period. My parents taught me to never allow for the possibility of living with anyone other than them. They taught and conditioned me to never allow for the possibility of love. For god's sakes, my own parents conditioned me against the natural evolutionary instincts to continue the gene pool, and made me incapable of love. I lived with my parents until I was 31, so I am familiar with this level of conditioning. I recall at an early age my father telling me not to trust anyone outside the family with personal information. I was also scolded for answering the door when solicitors or neighbors rang. Over the years, I can't recall my parents having friends over for dinner aside from one of my dad's work colleges. Overall, I was very isolated, and I took refuge in books and video games. Fast forward to today, I live alone, and I am single. In public, I'm never quite certain how to act and interact with people. I do and say unusual things around others. When I was younger, friends accepted me as strange and even complimented me for it. As an adult, I stick out like a sore thumb which has a polarizing effect on other people. I don't think that my parents purposefully conditioned me to be this way, but through their choices and behavior, they contributed to it. I want to point out that having disturbing dreams, feelings or thoughts does not make you an evil person. There are no evil people, only violations of the NAP. If my dreams and thoughts became reality, I would be jailed for life. For example, a while back, I had a fantasy that my father would show up at my door and confront me for going No Contact, then we would argue, and I would kill him with my bare hands to get revenge for his misdeeds. If this actually happened, I would not kill him, of course. I don't have the capability. The reality is that I desperately want him to care enough about me to visit, but I know that he won't. As for relieving anti-social conditioning, I find that naming the problem and sharing it with others whom I can trust is empowering. When people reach out to me now to show curiosity, I am mindful to respond in kind instead of pushing them away. It's very difficult, but nothing rewarding will ever be easy to accomplish. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sima Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 my mom tried to sabotage me very much, sometimes i am surprised, what was the goal... i think she was trying to make sure i never succeed, because she just hated when i had some happiness. she thought she was very unlucky, so couldnt stand anyone happy next to her. i remember i used to have and enjoy my own time, when i used to go to a cafe and have lunch on my own, like at the age of 8. i was enjoying life only when i was away from her. maybe you need some time to start enjoying your life on your own. now any relationship scares you because you might meet a woman who will be as annoying as your parents, and this might happen, because with her you will feel like at home. why would you want to get involved in a relationship with someone egoistic? its scary... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ResidingOnEarth Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 I went to sleep at about 1 AM. It was about 4:30 AM when I woke just now from a dream so disturbing that I cannot stop thinking long enough to go back to bed. I don't want to disclose what it was about, I feel ashamed to have had it. I realize that, for me to have had such thoughts in my head, I must be much more disturbed than I originally thought I was. I have read about people who have killed themselves because the things that I dreamed happened to them in real life. I suppose I am lucky that I have only ever been a couple steps below these events, though my suicidal thoughts seem to make more sense in light of this. Hey utopian Whatever happened in your dream that made you feel shame, didn't actually happen. If you did something bad to someone else in your dream, it doesn't mean you will do that same thing while awake. If something bad was done to you in your dream it doesn't mean it will happen to you while awake. I have experienced very dark thoughts many times in my life. I have followed those thoughts. I've focused on them and experienced them as if they were real. They felt real, but they were not real. Something that helps me when my thoughts go very dark is to remind myself of this one simple thing: "You can always deal with the present moment." It's true. If you have bad memories from your past and your view of the future is currently very sad and dark, try to come back to right now. Focus your attention on your breathing. Focus on the space you are in. Listen for sounds in your environment. Feel if you're hungry. Feel if you're a comfortably temperature. Assess whether there are any actual threats around you (there probably aren't). My parents taught me to never allow for the possibility of living with anyone other than them. They taught and conditioned me to never allow for the possibility of love. For god's sakes, my own parents conditioned me against the natural evolutionary instincts to continue the gene pool, and made me incapable of love. My parents also taught me not to reproduce. My dad would explicitly tell me "never have children". He'd often say this calmly after he had previously been screaming abuse at me. He'd talk about how shit his life was because of me and my siblings and how good his life would be if he didn't have us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philosopher_warrior Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Think about emotion that you experience. And think to yourself while you experienced that emotion for that situation. Then think about your childhood and see if their was a time in your childhood you felt the same emotion. Try to see what the similarities of the the situations were. Once you done your own self investigation, it might be best to present that information to a therapist to help translate those experiences. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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