I'm so happy! Chalk one up for Peaceful Parenting.

[Rummycat]

I am extremely happy right now and I don't know who to tell.  This made me really happy and I hope it will do the same for you.

 

THE BACKROUND: My mother raised me catholic and was not a peaceful parent.  I have been listening to Freedomain radio at an increasing rate for about 3 years now.  I have been sharing my findings and treasures that this show provides through Peaceful Parenting.  My mother has an Ace score of about 8 but I have an Ace score of 4.  So credit where credit is due BUT! I am still having the uncomfortable conversation about spanking and how there are alternatives that don't brutalize children.  I have gotten my mother to sit down and watch some of Stefan's (and staff) presentations on peaceful parenting and we had a very civil discussion about the truth about spanking.  The biggest problem for me and my mother is that her default position is yelling. Damn reason and evidence, appeal to verbal force when I see something I don't agree with. 

 

About two weeks later I receive a call from my mother very much out of the blue.  She is currently directing a production of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat." I pick up the phone and she sounds very nervous but excited.  That is very much out of character for my mother.  She asked if I had a second or if I am busy, again something she has never asked me.  I told her I had plenty of time, "whats up?"  She asks me the following question.

"Hey Paul, What is it when kids listen to you when you stop yelling and them and you are being quiet and patiently wait for them so you can begin rehearsal?" This hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I am by no means an expert but I tried to tell her as much as I could about what I have learned from the show.  I began explaining to her that children are very reasonable and how nobody wants to listen to someone who is constantly yelling.  I began to make analogies how I've had bosses that scream and yell, and I don't listen to them until they stop screaming.  I further explained that Children like to emulate the adults in their life. Therefore if you are an adult who screams and yell, children will scream and yell.  I told her that I'm very happy and proud that she is trying a new way to interact with children.  I told her to let me know how the results turn out. 

To be clear, I'm very happy that I proved to myself that virtue has tangible results.  Those children will hopefully have a brief relief from brutal parenting culture. Before this incident, I resolved to myself that I will have "uncomfortable conversations" with everyone I can and who has ears to hear it. Today it paid off for me.  It may be underwhelming to some, but any movement towards a world that doesn't brutalize children is a joyous occasion for me.

[dsayers]

I began explaining to her that children are very reasonable

If you haven't already, check out Stef's chat with Allison Gopnik:

 

 

Most relevant to your post are two takeaways that I hope you and your mother will find enlightening. The first being that babies are born without any filters. Like you and I have shirts on, but we're actively discarding all information our brains are receiving regarding this because it can safely be disregarded. As such, we come into this world as universality machines, trying to develop more and more filters so that we can better process the data we're receiving. While this alone isn't what I would call reason, in the context you use here, it could be argued that they are MORE "reasonable" than adults, since the information they're taking in is objective and not tainted by narrative.

 

The other takeaway is that she has tested babies to not only have the capacity of differentiating between peaceful and coercive interactions among their peers, but will actively reward the former and avoid the latter. What's most significant about these findings is how early they manifest (something like 9 months and 18 months respectively). For more on this, you can also check out her book The Philosophical Baby. This is some of the most valuable information we have available to us because it refutes the supposition many hold that humans, being animals, are naturally aggressive. Which doesn't add up evolutionarily given that we are social creatures.

 

If nothing else, it reveals how early abuse can be interpreted by the child as harmful and therefore should never be accepted as an option. The only thing you can accomplish with violence that you cannot accomplish without violence is violence. If she, or anybody in the care of children cannot identify the peaceful path to resolution, this is a challenge for them to find it, not a pass for them to aggress against the children. I hope this is helpful. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the future.

[Mister Mister]

have you specifically talked with your mother about aspects of her parenting which were not so good?

[Rummycat]

have you specifically talked with your mother about aspects of her parenting which were not so good?

Yes. Making lots of headway by discussing that some of her treatment of me and my siblings were quite foolish and harmful.  I haven't recieved a heartfelt sincere apology about how I was treated at a younger age.  She is listening to reason and evidence presented with some resistance but not an unhealthy amount, I have hear her to admit that spanking is harmful to children and if there is a better way to raise children, then it must be embraced.  I still have alot to learn but what little I do know, I will keep sharing.  My commitment to uncomfortable conversations with friends and family will not waver! But I will do so in a fashion that is managable and keeps my self interests a priority.

 

Basically I see this reaction as a response to her being delighted by virtues being utilized, which, I think, leaves people with a feeling of elation when they aren't used to virtue. For now I see it as progress.  I will continue to share the truth and stand for virtue where ever I can.

If you haven't already, check out Stef's chat with Allison Gopnik:

 

 

Most relevant to your post are two takeaways that I hope you and your mother will find enlightening. The first being that babies are born without any filters. Like you and I have shirts on, but we're actively discarding all information our brains are receiving regarding this because it can safely be disregarded. As such, we come into this world as universality machines, trying to develop more and more filters so that we can better process the data we're receiving. While this alone isn't what I would call reason, in the context you use here, it could be argued that they are MORE "reasonable" than adults, since the information they're taking in is objective and not tainted by narrative.

 

The other takeaway is that she has tested babies to not only have the capacity of differentiating between peaceful and coercive interactions among their peers, but will actively reward the former and avoid the latter. What's most significant about these findings is how early they manifest (something like 9 months and 18 months respectively). For more on this, you can also check out her book The Philosophical Baby. This is some of the most valuable information we have available to us because it refutes the supposition many hold that humans, being animals, are naturally aggressive. Which doesn't add up evolutionarily given that we are social creatures.

 

If nothing else, it reveals how early abuse can be interpreted by the child as harmful and therefore should never be accepted as an option. The only thing you can accomplish with violence that you cannot accomplish without violence is violence. If she, or anybody in the care of children cannot identify the peaceful path to resolution, this is a challenge for them to find it, not a pass for them to aggress against the children. I hope this is helpful. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the future.

I thank you so much for your comment and the video.  Any help I can get I appriciate.  I passed along the video through e-mail.  I am kinda shooting in the dark when it comes to peaceful parenting because I am not quite well versed on this topic.