2 year old pulling hair out

[BaylorPRSer]

I have a friend whose 2 year old daughter is pulling her own hair out to the point where she has a bald spot.

 

I've been thinking about when it's permissible to "make" or "forbid" kids to do things a lot recently. Of course, your parents have to aim you at good habits and prepare you for adulthood, so my question is how would you go about breaking her of this habit or guiding her to toward breaking herself of this habit? I grew out of certain habits such as biting nails, but I was at least told it was harmful many times coming up.

 

Is that all that's necessary? Just repeatedly telling the child it's harmful and explaining why he or she shouldn't do it?

[dayna j.]

If the child is ripping out her hair, I would be very concerned about that.  It seems to me that this kind of behavior exceeds what one would think of as a "bad habit", and perhaps even crosses over into the domain of self-harm/self-mutilation.  Why do you suppose that this child is experiencing so much stress?  I would be much more concerned about why a behavior such as this, which so closely borders self-harm, has arisen in the first place.

[BaylorPRSer]

I honestly don't know. She's very affectionate and gives great hugs. She seems to enjoy being around people. I don't know enough to answer that unfortunately.

[Alan C.]

Nervous tics suggest stress and anxiety.

[BaylorPRSer]

I grew up with him and have known him my whole life. We ceased being close when i was about 15 when he moved and switched from public to private school. I'm 26 now and he's 27. Our families have remained very close and the two of us have remained friendly, but haven't had a particularly deep friendship aside from family get togethers and grabbing food together once in awhile.

 

I was actually at dinner with my folks and my friend's parents who brought up the hair pulling. Because I've been thinking about the idea of reconciling peaceful parenting with "making" and "forbidding" children to do things, both of which I think are necessary on some level, I thought to mention it here.

 

After these responses, I think the solution would first be looking at what could cause stress and anxiety. They just had a boy, so the presence of another sibling vying for the parents' attention could be contributing to that. Outside of that, I don't know what could be causing it because I don't know the ins and ours of the girl'a life.

 

After legitimately looking at and eliminating potential causes of stress and anxiety, next would be curiosity. I mean asking the girl a few times a week of anything is bothering her. At the age of 2, she probably wouldn't be able to articulate much, but repeatedly showing interest in what's bothering her, would so some good I would think.

 

There's no divorce or traumatic loss. I'm not qualified to answer about breast feeding.

[AccuTron]

In my lifetime, I've had way too many stress behaviors, mostly long ago.  I bit my nails when young, and any sort of attempt to control it failed.  Only years later did I realize it was only when around my utterly psycho mother.  When I moved away, the biting stopped.  At a mid teen age, when apart for a vacation, it stopped.  No effort whatsoever.  The overeating also stopped.

 

 

Yet one time, can't recall what age, but somewhat young, the following happened:  I had a bump or maybe clogged follicles on my scalp, which over many days eventually disappeared.  

 

It bothered me, and I kept picking at in a way that didn't bleed, yet I noticed at one point I'd made a bald spot the size of a dime.  You couldn't easily see or feel the bump(s), a cursory exam could easily have missed it.  Does this child pull hair from all over, or just one spot?  

 

I don't see inquiry of a physical source, only stress/mental.  Maybe her hair follicles itch for some reason.  Has she seen a dermatologist?  What shampoos or soaps?  Laundry product remnants in pillow cases?  Some sort of hat?  Food additives or supplements?

 

 

I'm suspicious about trying to control behaviors by even mild coercion.  The child is too young to articulate what may be a legit skin annoyance.

[Matthew Ed Moran]

I think most people familiar with this site would say that a 2 year old who is pulling her hair out is severely traumatized. I didn't see a focus on that in your post. The only moral solution is to stop inflicting trauma on the child, at all costs.

 

I grew out of certain habits such as biting nails, but I was at least told it was harmful many times coming up.

 

How is biting your nails harmful? Are there some health risks to biting your nails that I'm overlooking?

 

I think parents who do this actually find the habit harmful and uncomfortable..  to themselves. That is why they want it to stop; and they lie and tell the child that their habit is objectively harmful. This is even more obvious if the parents are abusive and traumatizing. Obviously abusive parents are not concerned about what is harmful towards their children, or else the obvious priority would not be to get the child to stop biting his/her nails, but to stop being abusive and traumatizing towards the child, which they are in direct control of as parents. This would have a greater impact towards ending these habits in the long run, since they are only symptoms of trauma.

 

I've been thinking about when it's permissible to "make" or "forbid" kids to do things a lot recently.

 

Well, it's not like the parents aren't forcing the child to adapt these methods of trauma management by inflicting the child with trauma in the first place.

 

Were you planning to intervene to limit the trauma inflicted on this girl? I can't tell if your post is abstract or practical, despite the personal example you decided to include.

[dsayers]

I have a friend whose 2 year old daughter is pulling her own hair out to the point where she has a bald spot.

 

...how would you go about breaking her of this habit

Hey, Baylor. This is a difficult situation to be in, and I really appreciate you seeking help for this. So appreciative that I would like to try and help first by providing some clarity.

 

What you are referring to is not a habit at all. It's a form of communication. The child is literally telling anybody who will take notice "this is my experience." Thankfully, you have listened. Though this places you in an enormously difficult position.

 

As Matthew M pointed out, "breaking the habit" will only serve to make those in her presence more comfortable. I suspect that erasing her for the preferences of others is an accurate description of whatever has happened that led to this form of communication. Which would mean that breaking her of this habit would be amplifying her trauma. The opposite of what she so desperately needs.

 

I cannot tell you what to do. But I think the child needs intervention. The kind her parents cannot say no to I'm afraid. One day, we will live in a peaceful world where we can correct for this with relative ease. However, in the world we have, this child is responding to the initiation of the use of force, so using force to protect her would not be immoral. Please call Child Protective Services. This girl still has time to develop empathy and a personality that wasn't born of violence.

[BaylorPRSer]

Just got some clarification. The girl is doing this when she goes to sleep. She sleeps on the same side every night, so the side of her head that sleeps against the pillow is fine.

 

I think the girl has some fears about going to bed alone while a baby boy is in her parents' room getting breast fed.

 

Dsayers, you may very well be correct, but would you mind unpacking your certainty that the child is responding to the initiation of force?

[dsayers]

Dsayers, you may very well be correct, but would you mind unpacking your certainty that the child is responding to the initiation of force?

When I want to communicate something, I use my words. This is an option to me because even if somebody doesn't love me, they have enough respect for me as a person that using my words has the realistic expectation that what I'm communicating will at least be received. This girl is communicating in this way because she feels that using words would be insufficient. How did she arrive at that conclusion? It's such a horrifying reality to consider let alone accept that I am certain that short a brain tumor, this would have to be a reality that was inflicted upon her.

 

Neglect is a form of abuse, and a particularly powerful one for a tiny, defenseless, not-there-by-choice, developing organism. I really hope somebody will help her to escape her living nightmare.

[BaylorPRSer]

Thank you for the reply.

 

Wouldn't the child have to first possess the verbal skills necessary to communicate her experience for this line of reasoning to be relevant?

 

Matthew M, I was at dinner with my friend's parents (the girl'a grandparents) when this was brought up and I told them I participate in a forum where parenting is an important topic and would look into it. I realize this is all information that should have been in my initial post and for that I take responsibility. At this point, I don't intend to do anything besides share my position regarding what is happening with the girl and what the next logical steps are, once I have it worked out.

[Matthew Ed Moran]

Wouldn't the child have to first possess the verbal skills necessary to communicate her experience for this line of reasoning to be relevant?

 

Are you saying that, for a child to be considered abused, they have to be actually able to state in sophisticated verbal fluidity that they are being abused?

 

Children don't know what abuse is, they only know their experience, and if they are not safe or able to express their experience with words, they will express themselves otherwise. She is pulling her hair out, which foregoing the possibility of a brain tumor, means her experience is unlivable to the extent that she is trying to disassociate from it. Dsayers is correct that this is communication, but it is the kind of communicate that suggests she feels completely helpless to get through to anyone around her. They are pretending they don't see her trauma and are isolating her, and it is becoming increasingly horrifying and worrisome for her. That is why she is pulling her hair out.

 

That is fine, Baylor, at least we are getting to the reality of this topic now. I appreciate you brought it up at all actually, rather than make an abstract post without this very real example. Hopefully we can figure out together as a forum what the best thing to do about this situation is.

[BaylorPRSer]

No, I'm saying that the idea she is choosing to communicate non verbally instead of verbally is only relevant if communicating verbally is possible. She doesn't have the vocabulary or information processing ability to express her experience, so the likelier reason she is communicating this way is just that. It can't be because she "feels that using words would be inefficient" because she doesn't know and understand the word in the first place.

 

No, of course you don't have to articulate the abuse in order for it to be abuse. I'm just worries I'm not being clear in describing the girl'a current language capabilities.

[dsayers]

No, I'm saying that the idea she is choosing to communicate non verbally instead of verbally is only relevant if communicating verbally is possible. 

Baylor, with all due respect, I think you're again using language that only serves to conceal abuse. A person can smile and this is non-verbal communication. Babies learn to do this almost immediately because it's all they have. We're not talking about somebody trying to communicate a preference for chili cheese fries. This human being is willing to harm/mutilate themselves. It doesn't matter whether they have words or not (though I think a strong case can be made for non-verbal at 2 being indicative of trauma). What matters is that they're not smiling and that their efforts at communication is not a zero sum game. She is actively harming herself and she WILL escalate until somebody demonstrates that they are listening.

[Matthew Ed Moran]

Okay, thanks for making that more clear, I wasn't sure what you meant.

 

I think both dsayers and I are trying to bring focus to the fact that her communication is becoming further and further punished (and ignoring someone is severely punishing), so she is trying to disassociate from her experience because she is terrified of what happens when she is direct. This means she is being severely isolated and neglected, which is a horrifying experience for a child. Just imagine knowing that you need your parents to survive, but your perception of reality is that parents can't see or hear you, like you are some kind of ghost. There could really be no more terrifying experience, and a two year old will completely break in half under the pressure of trying to manage that reality.

 

Two year old children usually have a small vocabulary and can express fear, angst, and sadness directly if they are encouraged and modeled to, but if they are pulling their hair out instead it suggest severe and contemptible neglect which is forcing the child to disassociate.

 

She is pulling her hair out when she is alone in bed, right? When the parents aren't even in the same room? That is what I'm talking about. She is communicating her reality, which is that she knows she must keep her genuine emotions to herself not to be punished, and this burden is slowly crushing and driving her mad. She is trying to tell anyone who can see her that she is in danger.