Should I send my 12 month old child overseas with grandma for 3-6 months?

[soulfood]

Dear Freedomain Radio board members,

My wife and I have started a family. Our household presently comprises four of us: my wife and I, our 12 month old child, and grandma (maternal). We want to have another child and our biological clocks are ticking (both mid-30s) but without compromising the long-term health of the child we already have (K-selected FTW!) and hopefully also minimising impact to the household economy and career investment.

 

Presently grandma looks after our child full time. Due to an ongoing organised crime turf war, grandma cannot stay with us for longer than 12 months in every subsequent 18 month interval. She, sadly, is not a citizen of our great nation and these are the conditions of her visitors visa (Australia).

We are therefore considering sending our child back to China with grandma in April for 3 to 6 months. This will hopefully allow us enough time to get pregnant with minimal economic impact to the household and minimal health impact to our 12 month old.

Were he to stay here with us, economically we would not have to switch to one full-time equivalent: either only myself full time - impacting my wife's growing and satisfying career - or both part-time. (We can afford this but there will be long-term costs.) Not only is this difficult for us both to negotiate with our respective employers, but I am cautious of my wife's capacity to care for our child (full- or part-time) due to the stresses of pregnancy. This would likely result in at least one day per week of childcare attendance.

We are also very concerned for the health of our child. In my opinion 12 months old is way too young to attend childcare for an entire day, even if for only one day each week. Of the few childcare facilities I have witnessed, there were very few childreen too young to walk, and their level of social inclusion is consequentially very low. He cannot talk and is therefore unable to report any abuse. Finally, why should we both work full-time for the privilege of being away from our child and paying double taxes (plus the childcare worker's taxes).

There is no sustitute for grandma's love and care, even if separated from us for 3 to 6 months. We need evidence and reason supporting or defeating this proposition.

All that comes to mind is a comment made by Stefan on YouTube where he equates the impact upon a child's long-term health by full-time childcare attendance with that of children from broken homes. If I recall correctly this included reduced IQ and increased anti-social behaviour, including criminality. (Can anyone recall which video this is?)

Needless to say I am afraid for my son's health.

 

TL;DR Send our (to be) 15 month old child overseas for 3-6 months, or reduce our income to one full-time equivalent plus at least one day per week childcare. If both options are terrible we are prepared to postpone the next pregnancy but I estimate the our family's circumstances in 12 or 24 months time will strongly resemble those today.

[ribuck]

That's not a decision I'd like to make. What a pity your grandma is forbidden from living in Australia with you permanently.

 

I doubt it's in your child's best interests to be away from both of his parents for six months, even if he has the best grandma in the world.

 

When my wife and I had young children, we cut down our work hours a little and shared the childcare. But we still needed to send our children to a childminder for two afternoons each week. It worked out really well, but if I had my time again I'd definitely want us to each work half-time so that we wouldn't need to employ a childminder.

 

I don't think it's possible for a couple to be focused on two careers and still hope to be fully involved in raising their children. Something has to give. In the long run, few people regret spending less time at the office and more time with their children.

[soulfood]

Thank you for your opinion.

 

To answer your first question, my concern for my wife's capacity to care for our child while pregnant stems from my observation of the physical toll placed upon her in her first pregnancy. I'm believe these symptoms are typical but I will elaborate some for the uninitiated:

• An enormous amount of sleep is required during the first trimester. I estimate the heaviest days included 13 hours sleep.
• Sore lower back. This is worst while pregnant: both an early symptom of pregnancy, and later a physical consequence of carring a few extra kilograms on the front. Our son is of course now much heavier than when he was first born, and she found physical tasks difficult then with "only" a mending back post childbirth.

And our son will only continue to grow more demanding as he progresses. This is why I am concerned for both of them.

[soulfood]

With respect to your second question, in the scenario where we both work full-time and employ a carer in grandmas absence, we will both be working only to return home with less than half of our reward thanks to the incredible increasing income tax scale in this country.

In addition to our tax obligations, we would be employing a professional who presuma
bly would also be paying taxes, thereby multiplying our effort for the state at the expense of our child's relationship and development.

This is why we are strongly considering reducing our labour (and income) because the increased time allows for us to nuture our child. (And I agree, there is no substitute for our care.)

I thought it was obvious but considering your questions I must state that we are seriously considering sending him to live with grandma because of the strong economic forces working against us. The cost of living is very high and we must work to be financially solvent.

Thank you both for contribution.
 

[brucethecollie]

A 12 month old cannot understand why this is happening and surely there is a great risk of trauma for the child due to feeling abandonment.  If my parents explained to me today that I had been sent to live with my grandmother in another country for several months because they wanted to have another child I might be upset.  I have a lot of compassion for your situation but I'm puzzled because someone would have to threaten the life of my children before I considered parting from them, even now that they are older.  And it's a noble thing when it's a must but is this a must or are you essentially needing to make room in a sense, for the next child?  

[tasmlab]

I'm having a hard time seeing what the pregnancy has to do with anything. Get pregnant, go to work or not, take care of baby while pregnant, go on with life. Just like everybody does.

 

A single income sounds way better than being separated from the baby. For everybody's best interest.

 

(Me: single-income family, three young kids)

[Spenc]

I'm trying to understand something here, so maybe if we make a timeline we can figure it out, if you find it helpful....

 

NOW:  son is 12 months, plan to get pregnant with your wife for child #2

 

+3 MOS:  son, 15 mos. and presumably your wife is pregnant, son and grandma leaving country for up to 6 mos.

 

+9 MOS:  son, 21 months and grandma prepared to return.  wife in final trimester

 

+12 MOS:  son, 2 yrs, newborn baby born, wife on maternity leave for 6-12 months i assume? grandma around to help out

 

+21 MOS:  son is close to 3 yrs, baby is 9 mos., wife's maternity leave is either expired or nearing end, grandma has to leave again???

 

+24 MOS:  grandma is gone, mother is back at work, you are working full time, who is watching the kids, 3 yrs old and 1 year old?

 

aren't you facing the same issue all over again but with two young kids to care for instead of one?