holiday terrors, errors, and successes

[madman]

it's all I can do to survive December. I know what doesn't work. I've found a few things that did. I had a really good new years eve. overall this last December was the best I've ever had in my adult life.

new years eve I ended up closing a biker bar that's right by my house and having a wonderful time. I did not need to find a new wife or girlfriend or fun buddy to try to manage my anxiety and loneliness. I trusted my gut. I didn't act out. I went there by myself so I could leave whenever I wanted. it was fun dancing so I stayed. I did not pressure myself. I was not on the prowl. I was visible and present and courageous. I stepped outside of my little box. i'm proud of me. I have no wreckage to clean up. no serious depression to get over. no amends to make.

I know i'm not the only person that has trouble with the holidays but I haven't seen anyone post about it. i'd love to hear what's working for people. thanx, gary  

[dsayers]

this last December was the best I've ever had in my adult life.

Me too! Self-knowledge has given me all of the best things this world has to offer. Was this what made yours so comparatively pleasant as well?

[Dermot]

Thanks for the post Gary. So concise and beautiful. "I have no wreckage to clean up. no serious depression to get over". I can relate. This post brings up a lot of heavy emotions. I try to self knowledge it up as best i can. What I remind myself to do is get away to my room and get to myself if i'm on my way to acting out or feeling the pressure. Keep it as simple as possible is a good reminder for me. Christmas is gonna Christmas so I try to remove myself from a lot of it.

[madman]

self knowledge was absolutely key. I knew my pitfalls cuz December has been one long groundhog day as I've spent too much of my life avoiding the truth. I had a good idea of what I didn't want to do and who I didn't want to be. then I needed courage and support to try something new like trusting myself. self love instead of self loathing. learning how to ask for what I want (i'd rather set myself on fire) instead of being stuck in learned helplessness and being a victim. self knowledge has earned me choices I never would have imagined

[dsayers]

self knowledge has earned me choices I never would have imagined

Wait until you meet that virtuous somebody else who will appreciate all the work you've put into reconstructing yourself as a virtuous person. Talk about testing the limits of the imagination! 

[madman]

i cried when you wrote that part about that virtuous somebody. talk about mixed emotions. it felt like an emotional avalanche. i'm still learning how to post so thanks for your responses and your patience.

[madman]

hi Dermot. how did you do? typically i'll hunker in the bunker but the isolation freaks me out. then it's a self attack free for all. then i'm so irritated that i'm ready to fight and not safe to leave the house. what were your emotions. did you have time to process them? if i get triggered it can take me a couple days just to come back to my body. seems like the more it happens the less time it takes. what's workin best for me is to phone a friend. that's what really saved my ass this December. i'd rather set myself on fire than ask anybody for anything. i called people when i was jammed up instead of trying to work it out myself. sometimes i'll get epiphanies when i talk to my friends. or i'll just get grounded. i got triggered by my ex so i called another friend that i knew was safe and i said tell me that you love me cuz i just talked to my ex and i'm not feelin it right now. i needed some support and was shakin when i asked for it. that was something i just couldn't do by myself.  

[Dermot]

Hey Gary. Hunker in the bunker. I really like that. The triggering setting me off for days is so true. Past Christmas times has set me back years and i froze and suffered. Just acknowledging how i cant cope gives me some comfort. You say you'd rather set yourself on fire instead of doing x. I say to myself i'l fucking kill myself or just go wherever instead of do the same shit that I know realize triggers me so easily. This year I did okay. I have a back injury(which is healing) so i had an excuse. I live at home on welfare(welfare eh?). I would consider a lot of what i do as survival at the moment. I'm glad u talked to your friends. Processing for me is letting go and not thinking of it as that but just feeling when stuff comes up.If i get stuck or freeze no problem. My golden rule is get alone so i don't do shit i'll regret or get that trapped rage or anger bubbling up feeling. If i think too much i get scared cause I know there is massive suffering inside.so I let myself get distracted or do something. Hope that makes sense. Friend wise, the ones around are fine for distraction and meaninglessness and I enjoy myself better mostly.   

[dsayers]

i cried when you wrote that part about that virtuous somebody. talk about mixed emotions. it felt like an emotional avalanche. i'm still learning how to post so thanks for your responses and your patience.

Thank you so much for sharing your honest experience! I completely understand. When I found my virtuous somebody, I was at a point in my life where after all the abuse and unhappiness before self-knowledge, I didn't think I'd be able to have a truly happy life. Self-knowledge provided a contentedness, but it's nothing compared to finding somebody who is virtuous and is uncontrollably drawn to your virtue, and the way that can instantly change your life.

 

Just knowing how the thought of that has provided for you an emotional avalanche, I REALLY hope you are able to find this for yourself. So keep up the great work, keep being honest, have the difficult conversations, and don't be afraid of the possibilities. I hope you find your virtuous somebody too