LovePrevails Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 like the butter being left out, the fridge door being left open, or someone buying x when we already have x already Is this not basically saying that the light being left on is more important than your partner? I am discussing this on facebook and I have people saying "everyone does that" Is this true? Does everyone do it? or is that just an excuse anyone here married and in a couple where you never argue over trivial things? anyone to disprove the rules I can say I have been in a long term relationship when it almost never happened but not never ever.
shirgall Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 I am discussing this on facebook and I have people saying "everyone does that" Is this true? Does everyone do it? or is that just an excuse When people on facebook say "everyone does that" they really mean that their parents did that. I've seen it in spanking threads, and the arguing over trivia thing sounds similar to me.
SirMetalhead Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 My parents do that constantly, like broken records, I can predict everything they say before they say it, and they're loud about it. They also yell like maniacs when they watch sports games, making a big shit about someone not catching the ball, not getting a call, etc. It's pretty hysterical, and pathetic, if you ask me. My mom goes a step further by religiously watching the news/MSNBC and idiotically rants about evil Republicans, Donald Trump, and so forth. There's no use trying to have any reasonable debate, she will attack me (verbally) and/or just write off everything I say; it's literally like talking to a brick wall. So, I have to deaden myself inside just to tolerate being in the same vicinity of both my parents. Woah......I hope I didn't overdo it. I just saw Anthony's topic and it rung true for me. I sure hope this kind of arguing isn't normal. I'd rather live alone than have to deal with that in a relationship.
LovePrevails Posted January 10, 2016 Author Posted January 10, 2016 My parents do that constantly, like broken records, I can predict everything they say before they say it, and they're loud about it. Yeah it's embarassing to watch. It's one thing doing it, but doing it for years and the same arguments and not seeking to fix it is disturbed IMO
cherapple Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 "Everyone does that" . . . just as "everyone" also constantly displays their choice to avoid communicating about important things — by saying things like "everyone does that (so we don't need to talk about it)" and choosing to instead spend their time nagging each other about unimportant things. It's simply an avoidance mechanism and the slow death of relationships.
dsayers Posted January 10, 2016 Posted January 10, 2016 I am discussing this on facebook and I have people saying "everyone does that" Is this true? Does everyone do it? No no no no no. People of virtue, who possess self-knowledge, know what is actually important. Which includes conflict resolution. In a loving relationship, both people are strong enough to stand up for themselves, while also appreciative of the other person to the point to where trivial shit doesn't matter. "Everyone does that" because "everyone" is dysfunctional. It's akin to saying "everyone assaults their children." While this is true of the majority, there are rational, loving couples that don't. "Everyone does that" is not only begging the question, but passing an is off as an ought. It only serves to conceal, protect, and perpetuate dysfunction. 2
A4E Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 dsayers post covers most of it. My parents did this for 35-40ish years. Even when I was about 6 (starting to think), I was wondering WTF is their deal??? In a real mutual respect and love based relationship, where both understand that the relationship is the most important, this is like snow for a kangaroo. One way of trying to solve any annoyances or issues, (if it is significant enough), is to calmly ask the other to sit down together without any disturbances, and have a peaceful conversation where both can tell the other what they think, feel, and would like the other person to do differently. This can of course be very scary for a lot of people because it is something they rarely if ever saw or did before. When it is done in a formal and thorough way like this, chances are that both will remember what was said. This means that both can now not claim that they did not know how the other felt about it. And so if both recognize that it is in the best interest of the relationship to respect the feelings and wishes of the other, then the issue can be solved as long as the motivation / incentive is there, which is a good relationship. If the issue then does not get solved, there might be a bigger issue beneath, and then there is no use yelling / conveying the concern further. In my experience, people who are prone to complain about everything and everyone in most settings, also do this to a partner, which raises tensions and frustration, and overall poisons the relationship. That is one example of a bigger issue beneath. Also if one says "I am truly sorry that I am annoying you with this, but it is impossible / very hard for me to change it.". Then the other should respect that it feels that way, even after the other have suggested alternatives or whatever.
Alan C. Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Petty bickering may be a cry for help from somebody whose needs aren't being met in a relationship. The needling and antagonism is lashing out to get attention. 1
cherapple Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Petty bickering may be a cry for help from somebody whose needs aren't being met in a relationship. The needling and antagonism is lashing out to get attention. "Cries for help" are manipulations. Honest communication comes from consciously knowing your own needs, openly expressing them, and giving other people direct choice whether to meet them. It's not up to anyone else to guess what your needs are and meet them for you. People who unconsciously want to be helped nag for it. Those who unconsciously want to be needed help. The relationship turns into a circular pattern of resentment and contempt, under which the real problems are hidden. 4
LovePrevails Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 One way of trying to solve any annoyances or issues, (if it is significant enough), is to calmly ask the other to sit down together without any disturbances, and have a peaceful conversation where both can tell the other what they think, feel, and would like the other person to do differently. This can of course be very scary for a lot of people because it is something they rarely if ever saw or did before. When it is done in a formal and thorough way like this, chances are that both will remember what was said. That's what I said. After watching my parents bicker like this over the same stuff time and time again I thought "Jesus this is fuct! I am NOT doing that when I grow up................." I can't say it's always been easy because some of the triggers are still there from childhood but usually I'm like "don't be mum....." 1
Matthew Ed Moran Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I was walking past a house in my old neighborhood, and to my astonishment a couple that had to be past 70, nearing 80, we're yelling at each other (actually, the wife was yelling at him, I can't remember if he yelled back but he was irritated) over something about the hose or gardening or something trivial like that. At the same time I was tense because it made me so angry that people can be so vain and self important to think their petty problems are worth yelling about. It's that typical narcissist trait, where they erase the entire world and every important invent that is going on, and boil their most intense emotions into a garden pot. Man, if something is holding philosophy back it is that mindless bickering. Zombies, I tell you. I was astonished because of how old they were, but hopefully they won't be creating a ruckus much longer... But no I think mature couples are generally polite and empathetic, and I notice good people generally have an awareness if something is bothering them that might not be important to others, and they'll bring it up carefully because of this. I try to be polite when someone is doing something that is annoying me, I'm rarely if ever antagonizing on purpose. Antagonizing on purpose is like a traumatized 3 year old's way of communicating needs, not an adult.
tasmlab Posted January 14, 2016 Posted January 14, 2016 I've been married for 17 years and we don't bicker over little things. Or any things (for the most part). I like Dsayers post. I think it also helps to have some money. If one can not have an iota of stress about bills, buy whatever one needs, hire people to do housework/lawn, etc., there's not much little stuff to fret over. I think it helps not to be overburdened with work. If a husband and wife's only time together is the exhausted scraps of after a hard days work, people are more likely to be irritable and stressed. IMO. 1
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