3 year old talking about death

[Ajl2016]

Hello, first post here,

I wanted to get other people's opinions on a situation I was caught in.

Oh nephew is about 3 and half years old. He has lately been talking a lot about death, from, "I'll kill you and let's play the kill game" both quotes from him. We had him over one day and he again started talking about killing everyone, my husband then asked him, why does he want to do this. He's answer was because it would be funny. Later that night I was sitting on the couch with my newborn, he comes up to me and points to my son and says "wouldn't it be funny if he was dead" (exact quote) I then said in the calmest way " no Ethan, it would not be funny, why would you say something like that" he then said it was just a joke and put his hands to his face and giggled. He's mother then comes in and asked what happened. I told her and she said "oh it was just a joke". She then went in and told the rest of the family what he said but changed it to "he looks dead". Little back story, my husband and I have chosen to peaceful parent our children and both our families think it's a joke. They believe strongly in hitting if a child has done something wrong, rather then finding the cause of the problem. Ethans parents are horrible at parenting (to say the least) they really don't show they care for their child. There are many more stories regarding Ethan but, I don't have all year to write them down.

Back to the story, my husband and I were disgusted in what Ethan had said. The rest of the family thought it was all just a big joke. "Oh that's just what little boys say" or " he's just a little boy" we're both quotes from my husbands family members. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, are both my husband and I insane for thinking there's something more meaningful behind what Ethan said or is it all just some kind of sick joke. His parents seem to think it is. I just don't know what to do. I feel foolish at times for trying to think deeper into as I keep being told its "just what boys do". Why would he be talking so much about death?

Sorry if this post is all over the place. I'm a little lost in it all.

I appreciate all your feedback.

Thank you

[RCali]

Hello, Aj. No, I do not think, at all, you're overanalizing it. Just have a quick thought. How would a person enjoy jokes of everyone around them dying? Well... Certainly someone who doesn't value their life. Someone who deeply values those people's lives, would find it sickening to even have the slightest thought of them disappearing, or anything bad happening to them, for that matter. There must be some reason why that little boy would want everyone to die, and it's most likely caused by their parenting. Are they spankers? Yellers? Naggers? Besides what you already mentioned - emotionally distant. 

Different people react differently to negative history. Some people, like me, isolate. Others become violent. Others become jokers.

 

Now a different view: maybe he wants to die? Maybe he's much more depressed than you could think, and he could even harm himself. This is more of a long shot, but it's actually the first thing that came to mind. If you don't value other people's lives, and, as we are human, and humans are greatly social creatures, then, I would say, you don't value your life for much, either. I've never met, or heard of a person who lives isolated from all and is happy. Maybe it is because of what I've just said, and they are isolated, so there are no reports of such, because there's no one to report to. But I'd much sooner bet that no one can trully be happy without a single person to share their lives with. 

 

Either way, it all comes down to the same. The boy is reacting to something, and you know what this thing is, that he's reacting to. What are you going to do about it?

 

Welcome to the forums

[neeeel]

while it seems possible that he has suffered some abuse, I wonder if its not just that he has learned about death, or has it on his mind in some way. Perhaps its his way of trying to open up a conversation about death, to help him process it. He probably realises it that its a taboo subject.  I wonder why you were disgusted? saying "why would you say something like that" is not very useful, I dont think. It shuts off the conversation and implies that he is "bad" for bringing it up.

 

Children use games all the time to explore subjects. I dont see anything wrong with a pretending to die or be killed game, it doesnt mean that they are turning into a psychopath. Of course, you know him better than me. 

 

Another option is that maybe he enjoys and values the reactions he gets from adults when he brings up a taboo subject? 

[Will Torbald]

Hello, first post here,

I wanted to get other people's opinions on a situation I was caught in.

Oh nephew is about 3 and half years old. He has lately been talking a lot about death, from, "I'll kill you and let's play the kill game" both quotes from him. We had him over one day and he again started talking about killing everyone, my husband then asked him, why does he want to do this. He's answer was because it would be funny. Later that night I was sitting on the couch with my newborn, he comes up to me and points to my son and says "wouldn't it be funny if he was dead" (exact quote) I then said in the calmest way " no Ethan, it would not be funny, why would you say something like that" he then said it was just a joke and put his hands to his face and giggled. He's mother then comes in and asked what happened. I told her and she said "oh it was just a joke". She then went in and told the rest of the family what he said but changed it to "he looks dead". Little back story, my husband and I have chosen to peaceful parent our children and both our families think it's a joke. They believe strongly in hitting if a child has done something wrong, rather then finding the cause of the problem. Ethans parents are horrible at parenting (to say the least) they really don't show they care for their child. There are many more stories regarding Ethan but, I don't have all year to write them down.

Back to the story, my husband and I were disgusted in what Ethan had said. The rest of the family thought it was all just a big joke. "Oh that's just what little boys say" or " he's just a little boy" we're both quotes from my husbands family members. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, are both my husband and I insane for thinking there's something more meaningful behind what Ethan said or is it all just some kind of sick joke. His parents seem to think it is. I just don't know what to do. I feel foolish at times for trying to think deeper into as I keep being told its "just what boys do". Why would he be talking so much about death?

Sorry if this post is all over the place. I'm a little lost in it all.

I appreciate all your feedback.

Thank you

What are the parents' beliefs on death? Do they have religious practices about death?

[Ajl2016]

Hi all, thank you for your replies.

I was a bit worried about posting this question as I'm not good with criticism, constructive or not, but I'm glad I did. All your responses have helped a lot.

I think I reacted with "why would you say that" because I'm very protective of my offspring (natural I guess). I do not have a lot of experience with children. Which is why I don't know how to react to what he said properly, I was just so shocked.

My husbands family are very authoritarian, Ethan is smacked, by his father and even my husbands parents. They believe the whole "We were smacked, and we turned out just fine!" (They didn't) his father yells at him and we have caught the mother calling him a douche. So I don't know if he has picked it up from one of his parents? When he first started talking about death, they were shocked, now like I said, it's just some sick joke to them. I think my question is, how can we help this poor child? We don't want to be around these people as we are worried the effects it's going to have on our child. The only reason we are around these people is because my husband works for his parents (runs their business) and we aren't in the right finacial situation to just up and leave his job at the moment.

Sorry about the life story, just want you all to get a better understanding of the situation.

[Ajl2016]

Hi all, thank you for your replies.

I was a bit worried about posting this question as I'm not good with criticism, constructive or not, but I'm glad I did. All your responses have helped a lot.

I think I reacted with "why would you say that" because I'm very protective of my offspring (natural I guess). I do not have a lot of experience with children. Which is why I don't know how to react to what he said properly, I was just so shocked.

My husbands family are very authoritarian, Ethan is smacked, by his father and even my husbands parents. They believe the whole "We were smacked, and we turned out just fine!" (They didn't) his father yells at him and we have caught the mother calling him a douche. So I don't know if he has picked it up from one of his parents? When he first started talking about death, they were shocked, now like I said, it's just some sick joke to them. I think my question is, how can we help this poor child? We don't want to be around these people as we are worried the effects it's going to have on our child. The only reason we are around these people is because my husband works for his parents (runs their business) and we aren't in the right finacial situation to just up and leave his job at the moment.

Sorry about the life story, just want you all to get a better understanding of the situation.

[Ajl2016]

@Will, they are not religious at all.

[Will Torbald]

@Will, they are not religious at all.

Thanks for the specific reply. I see other people are already investing in the parenting side of things, so I rather not indulge in it myself. It is a difficult situation indeed, seeing how the child is trapped in aggressive walls. Religion is not the only form of irrationality, but it's the most common, so I asked that first. It seems to me that he might not understand that death is permanent. The death game has a resuscitation aspect of easily jumping between alive and dead, which is why death is funny. Perhaps it wasn't explained properly in order not to burden a young kid with it, but it had the unexpected consequence of making him how he is now. The parents don't seem to take it seriously either, so it is picked up from them as well.

[neeeel]

 I think my question is, how can we help this poor child? 

 

treat him as a real person, who has thoughts and feelings. Talk with him, play with him, be open and honest with him. if he brings up death, be curious about what he is communicating.

 

As far as his parents are concerned, it sounds horrible for him. Im not sure how I would approach that. Perhaps give them some info on peaceful parenting or the affects of hitting or verbally abusing children. 

[RCali]

Thanks for the specific reply. I see other people are already investing in the parenting side of things, so I rather not indulge in it myself. It is a difficult situation indeed, seeing how the child is trapped in aggressive walls. Religion is not the only form of irrationality, but it's the most common, so I asked that first. It seems to me that he might not understand that death is permanent. The death game has a resuscitation aspect of easily jumping between alive and dead, which is why death is funny. Perhaps it wasn't explained properly in order not to burden a young kid with it, but it had the unexpected consequence of making him how he is now. The parents don't seem to take it seriously either, so it is picked up from them as well.

 

That's a good point, too. Do you think it's more or less likely that this is true, in stead of the aggressive parenting, and influencing him to actually desire people to die?

[Will Torbald]

That's a good point, too. Do you think it's more or less likely that this is true, in stead of the aggressive parenting, and influencing him to actually desire people to die?

 

I just try to use Occam's razor in a case like this. I don't know all the details, and while it is possible the kid does have some form aggressive behavior from his parenting, I must also consider a simpler explanation which is how I wrote that post.

[Ajl2016]

I'm sure he's aware of the concept of death as he attended a funeral and his mother had to explain to him what it meant. I do think it comes down to the parenting, which isn't done well at all.

While we were at a family event, my husband bring up that we would not be smacking our child and nor should they. Ethan's mother is well aware spanking is wrong but let's her husband do the dirty work so she feels less guity. I can now understand why he said what he did but it's still very distressing. As we don't see him very much, would my husbands and my positive impact do him any good anyway?

[AccuTron]

I'm with neeeel and mellomoma.  Perhaps just being yourselves is the best choice.  (Most other options seem to point to "brick wall effect.")  The child will observe you and notice you are different.  Perhaps that will raise questions.  He may be too young to understand the questions, but it's a foundational start.

[RCali]

I'm sure he's aware of the concept of death as he attended a funeral and his mother had to explain to him what it meant. I do think it comes down to the parenting, which isn't done well at all.

While we were at a family event, my husband bring up that we would not be smacking our child and nor should they. Ethan's mother is well aware spanking is wrong but let's her husband do the dirty work so she feels less guity. I can now understand why he said what he did but it's still very distressing. As we don't see him very much, would my husbands and my positive impact do him any good anyway?

 

Surely you'll have a good effect on the child. Just beware of the aggressors influencing your own. You'd be surprised how quickly being around good can influence a person. I've noticed me influencing people in such a manner.

[tasmlab]

Those are some terrible things he said.

 

This said, I always thought I'd have this elegant discussion with my children when they were like 10 about death.

 

But they learn about it around 2-3 and can often not give the topic the relative respect or gravity it might need.

 

I would politely correct him when he says terrible things, but I wouldn't sweat it developmentally.