I had a dream.. 2 actually.

[Burn Giordano]

This is taking longer bloody forever to post this. i don't know how to go about it. i keep evaluating it over and over. I'll say it shouldn't be too dry though if it is. So to it then..      

                       *
The first dream starts with me peering up a short hill onto a golf course into a great view where everyone is playing golf, and It is my turn to go next and i really don't know how to play golf, I've no interest in it. My coordination is sloppy. The crowd nearby finds this amusing and mocks me, some find it offensive. This is ultimately frustrating in the dream because not only do i not care for golf, but nobody ever taught me golf and i was hardly around it much. Also i felt and feel much more capable at doing other things, but since everyone was playing golf and only knew of golf, there was no meeting half way. golf feels like a meaningless, trivial, pointless and odd thing to boil reality down into.

I can't remember any more of the dream. It felt strongly as my experience of how society currently operates. We have constantly 3rd party medium which we value people through, which i'm quite lacking to say the least. I don't maintain myself well.

                      **
The second dream was more recent and was far more vivid. It was in a really old house, which i can remember decently. Would be easier to draw it then try and describe it with words. The walls of the house when i looked at them looked like they were rotting, and moving. I walked up to the wall and peeled back a section . It was jam packed with bugs. It almost seemed like the whole structure was held by the bugs. I didn't know how it was still standing and that it still had the structure it did... I walked to the right a bit, peered up a staircase on my left, then looked right and came across an old short but long room that was opposite the staircase.

 

My impression of the room was that it was advanced in some way and looked like a work place. Initially my attention was on the right side of the room. I saw layed shelves which looked thick and wooden, held to the wall with bolts and chains. The shelves seemed excessively worked on over the years. On the shelves was a ton of varyingly advanced and interesting components. Components of components. I was taken back some, wondering how the hell all this incredible stuff was doing in this rotten old house? Why would someone go this far with something here? The room with all the fancy components among the shelves looked like if you tried to plug a bunch of high tech stuff into a potato.

This is when i met the old woman who lived in this old rotten and decaying house. I asked "who did this?! Where did they go? Why would they leave all this behind?", she said "i don't know, he just left and we don't know what happened to him. He just dissappeared one day and never came back." I was quite shocked and wondered who he was and how the situation came to what it was.

So i started rutting through the stuff, abandoned as it was, especially with the house as decayed as it was. A bunch of interesting though random gadgets and stuff.. but on the floor, underneath the lowest shelf on the far right, was one of the most advanced computers i'd ever seen, just sitting there. Never used. My jaw dropped, (i've been on a computer for 10 years essentially and do value computers highly. 10 years also feels close to how long this guy was gone) and i immidiately thought of taking it. Then when i looked to the left and saw something that then ya shocked me even more.

I didn't know what it was, all i knew was that it was essentially a huge, very powerful in a futuristic kind of way.. computer. Fully built and compact into a size of about 5.5 foot tall, 1.5 foot wide, and 2.5 foot back. It seemed entirely self powered, and all the technology and components i was looking at were apparently steps to creating this great thing. It was far more advanced than anything i'd ever seen. In this dopey ass house it was?..  was very very shocked. So i started looking for evidence of the character who was there in days past. I found an old recorder on the bottum right again under the shelf, though it was in an old milk crate with a bunch greesy old junk. Like mechanic shop junk. I played it and noticed he had a french accent and was definitely sophisticated. I can't remember exactly what he said but i do know he was struggling with an issue. The tape was short, maybe because it was dirty. Which leads to the next part of the dream.

I can't remember how it transitioned, but my attention went back to the incredibley screwed, old dusty house. Somehow i ended up in the bathroom of this house, which was incredibly fallen apart and broken. My attention went to the toilet. It was putrid, very fucking nasty all over. It was so full of all kinds of shit, that it ran over the sides onto the floor. So full of shit and so clogged that the idea of flushing it was far impossible. So i opened up the back lid, you know to see if there was water or something, and it to was completely packed of shit to. This toilet was fucking done. So my attention went to the old woman... wondering why the fuck was she here. Wondering how was she living like this?? Why was nothing maintained after so many years? surely you would've fucking got, idk, a shovel and bucket? or just for her to leave, wasn't there nothing here for her?

I never got the answer from her because i woke up or forgot the rest. Unsatisfying as dreams can be sometimes.

                       -----
So this is where i'm at with it, and i'm in discomfort and confused going about it, or maybe i just am those things right now. I did recently find the feeling i had towards the components was next to with how i go about writing a thing. Reassembling each sentence over and over to more or less detail until it clicks into a component. If i get nothing from it, i'll ditch it. Not entirely sure what to think about this, but it is a thing i do.

 

In some respects it feels very real and fundamental, in another it feels dreamy or deluded. Just work eat fuck and your good.. why would anyone have problems with that? It's pretty damn simple apparently.

 

I can't ditch the feeling theres something i need to pursue and i don't know what it is. It's like being in a desert with nothing in view.

     

             ***

I should also say i live with a fluxuating feeling of pain that grows or shrinks, more often to crippling extents. Sometimes it relieves and i can open up a bit, usually to decent extent, typically when nobody is around and i'm doing my own thing. I've been very hermit like for long as i can remember. I avoid people not because i'm cynical though that does happen sometimes, but more so because i'm attempting to keep things real and people in my experience always get in the way of that.

 

I'm confused to what i actually am, i can see many differen things, but i know more frequently i piss people off. So idk, what do you do when you can't communicate?

[villagewisdom]

Wow there is so much there. The first one is about resentment around not being taught how to play "the game of life". It seems pointless and you are not very good at it -- just like you described your inability to interact socially and a small desire to even do so. People get in the way of you doing what you want. This is also related to the statements you made about not knowing who you are. Playing "the game of life" as it is played by society is not how you would choose to live. 

 

So on to the second dream. That house describes your own mind. You see yourself as broken and structurally held together by critters that actually contribute to the demise of your mind. Perhaps you continually attack yourself for your state of mind or you habitually just go along with the crowd even though you are aware that you are dying inside. This is almost woven into the fabric of your mind and seems inescapable for you. Bugs in the wall.

 

A light in an otherwise dark dream, from my perspective, is that you are aware of something or remember something in your past that you loved beyond anything else in the world. You worked on it and were pretty genius at it. This is that side room. However, at some point it was put away in favor of doing what was expected of you but you never really let it go. It is still there but in need of care and nurturing. I'm going to go out on a limb here and connect it to your statement that you are aware of how you assemble your thoughts -- however, if you don't "get anything out of it" you toss it. And you have that shit piling up in your dream bathroom. My inner Stef voice says, "get anything out of it" compared to what?

 

I take the old woman to be a part of your brain that is under or below your waking level of consciousness -- subconscious. The opposite sex representing that which is the flip side of your normal waking consciousness. She is old and you wonder why she has neglected the house. It is still you, subconscious you -- recognizing you are neglecting your inner thought processes and ability to think rationally. Likely in your past you had unique thoughts that were different from others in your environment. Likely you were young and not mature enough to assemble those thoughts in a way that fit in with your environment. So you tossed them out in favor of fitting in with others. Perhaps you even had an idea about what you wanted to do with your life but finding no place for it in your family environment, you closed it off in its own little room. I think you know this already as you have become aware of this room off to the side. You love the stuff in this room. You love the ideas you have hidden in that room. You love your ability to assemble thoughts into useful components. The super powerful computer is your mind and your ability to think. Awesome imagery there. 

 

The problem is waiting for someone else to get rid of the shit in your life. Everywhere you look in the bathroom is shit and filth. Worthless stuff that needs to be eliminated. You think it is the woman that should do something. Some magic motivation, some inner urge or whatever. In reality it is up to you to get the shit out of your life. And apparently it is everywhere. Your solution was for the woman to either clean up the mess or move on. I suggest that this is the message for you. No need to wait for someone else. Start today cleaning up your shit. No matter what happened in the past, today is a new day and you have the power -- the raw computing power to shine in this world and be a super computer. 

 

Hope this helps. 

[Burn Giordano]

Well, haunting is not the word i would like to use, but ya thats hauntingly helpful and interesting.. so much so that i'm not entirely sure how to react. Seems very accurate. Like i tried to look into therapies and i know from Gestalt that all the parts of a persons dream are aspects of themself, so it's weird when you don't click with certain parts, but this does seem shed some things.

I need to take the reigns. Which scares the shit out of me, minor terror or i'm terrified.

 

For context of my current situation, i'm 26... Still living with my mother, another fact which haunts me, and i don't work.

 

I've been trying to figure what to say beyond that but nothing really comes to mind. It seems very simple but feels overwhelmingly difficult, almost sickening. Or at least my stomach is turning right now, not sure what that is. I've also been very sick throughout my life, almost died a few times when i was really young because of asthma. Never not been on something to manage it.

[Burn Giordano]

funny, makes me wonder if the more vivid a dream is that the odds are high that your actually in it..

 

Ya, it's a poor situation.

[villagewisdom]

Now I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing that kind of fear in your life.

 

There is no easy answer. Especially when you are as deep in shit (pardon the pun) as you describe. My experience is that you need to take very small steps in the beginning and continue to allow the "shit" to be there. If it is as pervasive as you say and your dream shows, you will take many steps before you begin to see what is under all of that. But the only way I know of is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take one step and then another and then another.

 

I don't adhere to religious faith but there is a place for having faith that what you are doing will eventually pay off. When you throw out a bucket of shit and another and another and still all you see is more shit, it takes some kind of faith that what you are doing is actually having an effect. The only alternative is to continue to look at the shit and do nothing and the result will be that nothing different will happen. The shit will continue to pile up. 

 

Do one thing different. Then do something else different and something else and something else. It can be something simple like making your bed when you get up or taking a 5 minute walk whenever you think of it. But these simple steps will only work if you do NOT mentally bash yourself if you think of something simple to do differently and then do not follow through and then begin the process of condemning yourself over not following through. It is circular and keeps you in the same place. 

 

Again, I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help. 

[Burn Giordano]

-"Especially when you are as deep in shit (pardon the pun) as you describe"

ya i quite had to resists saying it lol..

 

-"But the only way I know of is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take one step and then another and then another. "

This is actually a view thats been stewing in my mind. Issue is i don't know a step when i see it. Work can be really depressing, i don't like to be as passive as most and thrive in places where people have either a basic or decent level of attentino. i would often tred on ground i'm not suppose to :\, or seemed to at least. Actually this kind of reminds me of my father.

 

Fritz Perls described something called the top dog underdog split, where (if i'm recalling it correctly) the top dog is self-righteous or critical of a sorts, constantly going over how things could've been better done. The underdog is lazy or slacking, constantly putting off of sorts. To me the top dog seemed like how a parent was acting towards a child, acting as a sort of electric fence. If the fence is built around too many things, or that shock too strong, then likely that top dog ego or whatever would be more exercised or sensitive, constantly be triggered by things. So what happens if the "fence" no longer exists around you anymore? Still one can feel that residue feeling as you try out the new waters so to speak. For some reason that water feels like a big unpredictable black body of water. Neither good or bad just whatever it is.

 

-"I don't adhere to religious faith but there is a place for having faith"

Ya, religion overused probably something common about being a person.. needs a new word.

 

"The only alternative is to continue to look at the shit and do nothing"

This is tricky, because i'm not entirely sure is my junk or someone elses. I know this is my life to manage, my life to sustain and make something of, but i've never really had the impulse to do that. Like i said i've lived with pain for a long time and has only really been the medium i've felt to life. The only time i don't have that is when i'm enjoying something, so i've become addicted to various things. I've started smoking and quite like 4 times, each time a few months. Currently not, but some days i've really felt for one. I had an alcoholic phase where i was drinking like 2-3 bottles of wine throughout the course of a day, but then i got nasty withdrawls. Now only drink sparingly.. because i've never felt so sick as when i had the withdrawls.

 

The general feeling that i get, which makes things difficult can be large and overwhelming, which often does make me look crazy to others in the contortions i'm making to fit some vague unsatifying norm for others.

 

Then that 3d paragraph is also similar to what i'm sort of doing, although i'm not sure i'm changing the right things. Little parts of my own behavior as i see them. It's tricky trying to know what a step is though, and i guess in lead to that i wouldn't really know what walking is. Though i am working it out tough as it is. The point of not mentally bashing is pretty critical. I definitely have that impulse and am learning to forgo it as an approach to things. You don't learn anything if you don't make efforts, and tripping is a part of that processm and oh boy do people trip up.. Maybe walking has no form, it's just how you come to understand tripping up? idk. That statement which would be fun to play with, so enjoying putting myself back together? Thats kind of clever and humbling. Woke up like a vegetabe today, this would be a good end to it.

"Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help."

Honestly just have some extra imput helps and i think you for that.
 

[Burn Giordano]

double post

[Burn Giordano]

If there was a thing i gave up on it would be communicating. Both with my father and my mother i had a blatant points i crossed when i recognised i couldn't communicate with them. Father was easy, question or talk back even slightly and he would enter this pissed rage state where he would just build progressively more angry until hes shouting loud as he can in your face. No effort to console seemed to slow him down. Not the greatest thing to do to a child no.. or around one frequently for that fact, nor your wife. Tried a few time to talk to him over the years, made an effort to understand quite a few things and certainly was more reasonable than your average person, but still always the same result. Regardless of the effort or approach i tried or apparently how open i was that sad shallow cunt of a human being would always end up him loosing his shit. Could never console could never slow him down. I stole a bunch of his bush cigars and alcohol on those trips.

My mother i could just call her an unpenetrable wall that freaks out every now and then. Loaded with anxiety and panicky, simple. It's strange because we used to have great conversations i thought, but at one point when i started trying to reply i just noticed myself saying ya, ya, ya. To everything. And i was like wait, do you notice i'm only saying ya? .. theres more to her but i can't seem to recall atm.

This morning i thought about something else though. I have had a warm motherly feeling though that i can't identify with my mom, and thing is that my mother and father came together and split up multiple times. Between these split ups, i would go and move between them. I have 2 sisters, they stayed with my mother, and i would switch back and forth between the sides.  Something would always force me to go to the other, just hussled around. When i was at my fathers, since he was a workaholic, was never home when i would go and stay with him. (he did do some astounding fatherly things for a kid that i greatly respect him for, but the state of the family and his own lunacy was too much. Can't play love and hate at the same time). So i'd end up staying with somebody in the neighbourhood. Just me and some random folk for a few months and at school i've never been to. I had to go between many schools for how fucked i behaved. Not aggressive, just soullessly passive, thoughtless, impulsive and disassociative. Good mix to start a career in depression ya, or some flip flopping mood and sense of self.

But ya the warm motherly feeling i think is from the woman i stayed with, she was far calmer than my mother when approached. She and her husband, although they had difficulties, discussed things out. He was a gritty but kind of 1/4 star rad guy. They had 3 other kids. I don't know, throughout childhood to like 15, anytime i saw 2 people working things out, it stood out in value far more to me than the psychotic lunacy in my own home. And i was just sitting there looking at it, pointing "hey guys, uhh, have you tried that?". I don't understand why more people don't do that. If there is a thing that is bad, it is bad because it needs to be addressed, and to fix anything you need to understand what is wrong and how it became wrong. So to prevent it from happening again. Not evade and give it space to grow.

 

If i write too much tell me, i'll trim it more. Just using this page to go over things.

[villagewisdom]

I hear you. There is a lot there. There is a lot to your story. I'm here to listen.

 

As far as walking, it means going outside and walking down the street. That's it. Nothing complicated. Just walking. 

 

I'm not a psychologist and can't really help you with the deep emotional issues you are describing with your parents. There is anger there that needs to come out. I can see that. But then there is a point afterwards when you give up trying to decide whose fault it is or whose issue it is. I did this "trying to decide who to give responsibility to" for many years. I used to be very far into the new agey energy stuff. Like people's negative energy can affect you. And perhaps is does. But the bottom line is that I don't care whose energy has me staring at the ceiling ruminating about how bad my life sucks and how bad I am as a person because I can't seem to cope and how the world is fucked up and no one cares and it's never going to change . . . the bottom line is that I need to get up and face it. Not knowing if it is me or someone else just keeps me immobile. It doesn't matter. What matters is doing something different. If you find out that someone elsewas a major contributor, get them the hell out of your life - or at the very least just move on. There you've addressed it. You've done something. If it's your own responsibility, same thing applies. Do something. 

 

I can hear in your story that there are many expericnes in your childhood that have contributed to your state today. I have lots too. An advantage I have is that I am much older and have moved on past many of them. I have gotten past many of my childhood issues. It takes time. And of course professional help is a great benefit. I've used it a couple of times during my life at various points where I felt it was useful. i never did the long term therapy like Stef talks about. I've relied on self-help. I know that is not popular on this forum, but it has worked quite well for me.

 

Anyway, the biggest key I learned over the years was to look at my situation and see how I was acting like a child. Perhaps 8 or 10 or 2 or 5. I would explore the feeling -- not the circumstances and details of the event. The feelings would be something like shame or fear or anger or sadness or helplessness (big one for me). Then I would look at the situation and see that something today was triggering the same feeling. Perhaps being made fun of on the playground or something like that and feeling helpless to make the situation change. Not knowing what to say or do to fit in and not get into these situations where I was bullied. So as an adult I might be worried that I made a mistake in a social interaction or at work and I would keep playing it over and over in my mind and wishing I had done or said something different -- and it would trigger that same feeling of helplessness to know what is the right thing to do. My next step is to realise that I am no longer that child and that if someone were to enter my life today and say something rude and intentionally hurtful, I would know exactly what to say and do. And to be perfectly honest it would not be to try and fit in. It would be something that let the other person know that I am powerful and an adult and not a child. Laughing back at them is the most effective I think. Like Stef does when people put crazy comments on YouTube. You just laugh at their ignorance. 

 

You say you think others get angry with you. How do you feel about that? Is it okay and just their problem and you feel alone? Do you feel ostracized? Would you like it to be different? Or is it more that you want to be able to be yourself and not feel responsible for how someone receives it and you are now angry that you feel you must alter who you are -- so they will not be angry. Feel that little child that is frustrated and insecure and doesn't know what to do and has nowhere to go to get the answers needed. You are no longer that child. There are places to go to get more information. You have a fully functioning brain now. You have resources. You are not going to be left alone to die without anyone to care for you. You can make your own choices now. You can say "screw you" and move on or you can say, "why are you angry?" and find out more information to determine whether you have actually erred or if they are just playing you.  

 

I could go on but I may be way off track by now so I will end for now. I'm just saying use that supercomputer mind of yours. It's awesome and fully developed now. 

[Burn Giordano]

 

And to be perfectly honest it would not be to try and fit in. It would be something that let the other person know that I am powerful and an adult and not a child. Laughing back at them is the most effective I think. Like Stef does when people put crazy comments on YouTube. You just laugh at their ignorance.

The idea of living unapologetically, but with reason, is something that becoming progressively appealing to me. It lessens the appearance of my own and others impacts.. We all start from ignorance, only makes sense some people trip up along the way learning things. Sometime they know a little, often they know nothing,  and more rarely they'll know a lot. Everyone has the upper hand in something, a thing that ultimately shapes them and their views?

 

 

You say you think others get angry with you. How do you feel about that? Is it okay and just their problem and you feel alone? Do you feel ostracized? Would you like it to be different? Or is it more that you want to be able to be yourself and not feel responsible for how someone receives it and you are now angry that you feel you must alter who you are -- so they will not be angry."

I feel they are justified,  but also feel the means of their action makes things more difficult or gums up the gears so to speak with stuff that isn't a part of the main issue, just something thats an offshoot. Too many chiefs fucking up a stew. So i feel between a rock and a hard place. I have the world as it appears before me, with years of interest in understanding it, then i have the world thats become peoples use of it.. often a bunch of thoughtless nonsense.

 

Is it ok, really just their problem, and i feel alone because of this? uhh.. yes i think? That seems pretty on the mark or close, but i don't know if something is missing. Depending on the issue and how much hand or lack of hand i had in the thing. My standard approach is to be incredibly passive or non-participative?I don't like to start quibbles, but then i do love to discuss things, sooner trying to end them so things can change? but some people just don't register it? In cases like that it can be tricky to know if it's me or them, or both, so i usually just end it and walk away. Few seem to have a vested interest in understanding issue? or seeing what they are? or where they come from? I don't want to do that, i wanted pretty early on like around 13 to understand how things became what they are and i'm not sure i turned back. Lost though definitely.

 

Do those around me get angry with me? constantly. But it's been that way for so long it's the only thing i expect from my family, so i impulsively over-regulate myself to manage it. Do i want to be myself and not feel responsible for how someone receives it? uhh, Yes and no.. I'd be waaay healthier if i could just be myself, and i try to picture an environment of what that might be like but i don't really know what that is. What i am or who i am use to and still does essentially non-stop upset people.. so i guess i could say i'm curious how someone receives it ya.. a lot depends on how they do. I think i can say i like reason, and a person can't really operate beyond what they come to learn or view and experience, so why would a person cap that or limit it? Like my mother, wall as she is, i got into a rare fight with her recently which seems to nudge a few things loose behind her thinking.. Which'll happen when people don't talk or share how they feel but still definitely are acting towards you differently for some reason they seem to be aware of or not. I learned through that fight she thought i hated woman. I don't. I hate unreasonable people, and love reasonable workable people. It's always like a catalyst to things. But she thought since i avoided her that the basis for my action was hating woman.. which reveals greatly how she doesn't listen. Especially how i used to go on about every other fucking thing besides someone being woman was the basis of their problems, ya.. she doesn't listen.

 

 

You are not going to be left alone to die without anyone to care for you.

That statement, insinuates myself?, as well as the rest of the last paragraph is probably one of the greater points, whatever to call them. Issue is i've hardly ever taken care of myself or my situation at this point, i've very rarely had that gumption. It always seems your forced to forfeit some measure of control, control i don't know how to operate in myself, it makes depending on myself because i seem to fluxuate so much. I don't like walking around turning a blind eye everytime something gets difficult, but then still there are haha.. massive piles of shit everywhere. Fucking mountains at times. Vanity, or absense of that shit word faith, has been a very concrete and repeating experience in my life, without fail.. That there are some things or issues so large or blatantly neglected, well your little affect on the world around you likely isn't going to have an impact.. well, if theres a template to my earlier life it would be that. People have been trying for years, and there have certainly been people more passionate than myself around.. i don't know what to say with that image.

[Burn Giordano]

Then the supercompuer mind thing ya.. that occurred to me but sounds dodgy at best, or i dislike it for some reason. Which is funny, because the next few things i wanted to say are: The mind looks like a bunch of interchangable bits that come and go, where it's my job to see how the images of my mind coalesce with the world around me, simply that. Like just this morning i wrote, quickly and not decently formed "The adventures, or journey you go on to learn something is important, and is what develops good memory." not sure what to make of that, but i'm sure i could go into it and find a better function. What ever the fuck that means.

I'd rewrite that statement to be : The journeys you go on to learn something is critical in forming good memory.

Whatever the fk that is, sounds like something though don't it? funny

i just posted a larger post before this one. It said something about having to be approved? it happened for the previous post i did, was why i posted 2 by accident. Will it post soon? Could mess up contexts if it goes in a different order, let alone the fact it'd be shitty because i wrote a decent amount for it.. not sure if there is a way to find it.

 

There it is nice.

[Burn Giordano]

damnit now the second post is gone what the hell, i'll try and rewrite it. The post was reacting to the idea of my mind being the Super Computer which i don't know how to look at. Feels like a dodgy idea besides the familiarity in feeling ya.. i really don't know what to do with intelligence. Is it intelligence that i abandoned?.. Did i figure it out or make it work and then abandon it?.. fuck..

But ya.. I tried to meet with a random person on kijiji based on this add

http://www.kijiji.ca/v-friendship-networking/barrie/developing-leaders-for-causes/1129080167?enableSearchNavigationFlag=true

But ya, when i got back home my room felt like the workshop. It looked over used and out of place.

This add though.. looked interesting. Seemed pretty vague and open to interpretation. Well, i had quite an interpretation, so i went to test it. Conversation was althought vague, definitely an interesting and sobering one. People are always a little gasp or taken back when talking to me, it's one of the main reasons i've stuck to things as i have for so long. My family doesn't give me the answer i need, people do. As it always is when i talk with other people where i find any of the things i value or find people who value the things i do. I almost want to look at family like society. You can start in whichever type of society or culture, but you are by no means (but psychologically maybe) bound to it, and a society or a people can be about as fractured and distant as any society can.

[villagewisdom]

You really have a lot going on there. I will mention again that I am not educated in psychology. What are your options for therapy? 

[Burn Giordano]

Non at the moment, i wouldn't know what to look for. Like.. 'Therapist' doesn't exist to me, other people do, so what would i be wanting from someone?.. Feels weird, and wrong really. I've always had issues expressing myself, and if i do it to a person it feels like i'm bringing them into my own hell. That doesn't feel right, why would i want this for another person? Or to be coddled by another person? I've essentially been coddled my whole life? I don't know, it's a greatly embarrasing situation.

 

Whats good though is some of that wall or inability to be open and discuss is dissolving, though it's having good and bad effects. Like trying to form a decent place for birth in a warzone or shit environment isn't the easiest fucking thing.. or if everybody is a cunt about golf.

I think i just need to start working or something, i just feel a lot of hate with it. The way society operates at the moment feels like it relentlessly tries to shape or break you, and everyone is a culprit to some extent. I don't know where to draw the line of resistance. I'm probably paranoid of adjusting or aclimating to something i really shouldn't. Being limited some way without knowing it, like so many of us neurotic as we are ever, going on about something.. it's an ironic view considering my current situation, but then i'm not limited here in a sense. I just don't know what to do with it. Think iI need to exercise forsight more, that might be more motivating.. Very hard to get myself moving. Feels like plugging into the tides of the times and trying to make something out of it. I can't look at living as a simple thing, and anytime i make an effort in life it always comes back to this feeling. We are demeaning yet depraved of good substance, sounds like bullshit to say but fuck it, somebodies got to say it.

 

The buildings are on fire and people are confusing it for warmth. I feel like shouting to wake people up, but it doesn't work like that. Just like reason, just like the word. Thats amusing to write at least.

Not only that but i don't always feel access to myself. It comes and goes and for a long time felt out of my control, and i've stayed up too many long nights trying to get it. I have a numbness or a disassociation where i become hallow and operate impulsively. I havent found the magic mixture to constantly be on, and i've not much hope it's in this current system. Things would be different if it was.

 

Like i was up all night, it's 7:27 now, and i'm probably going to be soon, or sometime before 12 seems to be the habit.

 

 

Fuck this is shit.

[villagewisdom]

Non at the moment, i wouldn't know what to look for. Like.. 'Therapist' doesn't exist to me, other people do, so what would i be wanting from someone?.. Feels weird, and wrong really. I've always had issues expressing myself, and if i do it to a person it feels like i'm bringing them into my own hell. That doesn't feel right, why would i want this for another person? Or to be coddled by another person? I've essentially been coddled my whole life? I don't know, it's a greatly embarrasing situation.

 

 

 

 

And communicating here is somehow different and it's okay to bring people into your own hell? Is that what we are doing here? 

[Burn Giordano]

hmm, guess theres no other way to look at it, or any other way to go about it. Thats quite annoying, havent slept well though.

I'm kind of split between thanking you and the previous arguement. Thanking you is the appropriate and right thing to do, but then i'm confused. I don't know what happened to all that stuff i was saying before.

[Burn Giordano]

Nevermind it was just because i wasn't rested. Over 3 days, between the first 2 days i slept 1 1/2  hours, then slept 2 hours between day 2-3. This morning i slept from 12 pm to 5 and feel really rested lol.. Crazy how lack of rest can affect your view apparently.

 

But ya, i do need to get with people more. Maybe by avoiding the issue i am preserving something :\

[Burn Giordano]

So i'm making slow gradual changes. I don't know of any real guide to learning, improving or changing something. it essentially just looks like winging it and making a few things for convenience along the way. Just raw non-stop unspecific persistence is the only thing i really have, so i'm trying to work with a few nuggets.. like the "6 nearest people to you is likely going to signify your future" thing, is a good hint of gradual and healthy changes. I'd be shocked if i didn't have something some community wouldn't want. Like that that random marketing guy i met through in an add, who i then met in a cafe, who i've been meeting regularely. It's kind of amusing because hes a business man with christian values. I try to avoid religious language if i can because there are means which are far more better, and far more possible avenues to going about life, but here i am talking to this guy lmao... and i'm entirely prepared for the possible let down that could come, that he'll try and get to me sell appliances or something door to door lol. Hasn't really described  what the business is. just repeats the words trust, heart, and connect. Interesting, well i can certainly do that.. lets see how we both understand or interpret these things lmao..

 

A christian view of Heart, Connection, and Trust? mm, probably cherrypicking a bit.

Also got into a discussion with a flat earther, that was interesting :\

[Burn Giordano]

So, got into a big argument today with the family, ended up on the street for the day.. Is there really nothing to come from everything? It's possible, that does happen. People build or work on things all the time, and they can and have completely fallen apart. Many times, great things or small. Things with form or psychological things. Only the things which adapt seem to get somewhere. I try pretty persistently to learn new things, pursue new things, be inspired by new things in an open manner, so to best shape to the world as it is. I can do all this, but i can't find  place for it? It's difficult, like too many things happening at once, but I can't believe that in the end. This is the only thing i've got and it's shaped me into all i have, as life shapes anything.

Like seriously.. i don't know what people go to for warmth in this situation, but I walked halfway through town in january in a jacket with nothing but a hot coffee straight to the fucking library is what i did.. I walked by a church, walked by a bar, but walked to the library. Is that who i am? I don't know what that means. I feel like i'm suffering or being punished for this. I feel no guilt or shame, just.. i don't know. I feel in a mental null state. A state of mind fitting for when your in the middle of nowhere i guess.

So i'll do what i've always done. Look around, learn. Motivated not by belief, but in a very liquid way from what i learn. Least i think i'm trying to. Really don't know what to do with myself or this situation. Inevitably heading back to the house because i have meds for asthma to take... rarely does anything come from going back, and is a waste it seems at the moment. There are a few options but i don't know. I need to meet up with that guy tomorrow, nobodies home, should i get my things and stay out one night? plug into a wall somewhere and read that book he wanted me to finish? I dont' know.

 

Like for a moment i felt on fire about life, very clear and set, but then when i got to the street all i hit and see is nothing but a very cold and wet, damp, january day. How fucking shit this is. Don't know what to do, don't know what to think.

[Burn Giordano]

Well, been an interesting past while. My character is shifting a little more into something, i feel like i'm trying to embody my words and langugage. A little more whole. I'm not sure what to make of it, but i feel stronger. A decent boost in confidence or sense of self, and people are looking at me a little differently which is well, whatever. I wouldn't know how to get started with explaining it. Very enlightening, very opening, and i know if i stick with it, everthing will be alright. Any fucking thing can be tackled in some respect or regard, and oh man do we get caught on some simple shit.

It's very ironic, they took the internet away from me, that this would do anything. No.. I've been alone to myself and my thoughts for a very long time, for years, working shit out exploring differen things. They took away the sole thing thats been enabling me get and maintain whatever sanity i got? In all this? They think that by doing this after all these years think that this will change anything? No, it set me off, cause they cut me off while i was in the middle of trying to write something, something i see and experience as palpably valuable. Or they cut me off in my attempt to find something valuable. In the face of that, and the shit they said i went off, and that managed to kick a few bolts loose. It's a shame that things can take the direction they do. All great decent things start in a crud form, this was mine.

[Burn Giordano]

well, maybe i write too much lol.. but things are moving in a good direction. Leaving the house soon as possible through welfare, need maybe a month, 2 would be too much. Have an opportunity on the 5th. Honestly couldn't or havent felt better my whole life. Seeing the people around you for how toxic they are can simplify things greatly. The first dream on the golf course was my family mocking, insulting, and laughing at me. Not an issue anymore. Found the people i need and value in my life.

[Burn Giordano]

So its settled, all attempts to make amends or right things at this house have failed, or blown up. I'm leaving, heading to a salvation army shelter for a month to figure which to do next. Throwing myself into life as it were, one of the better ways to learn it. I've ambitions which i'm feeding through learning and studying, both which are now enjoyable, and leaving is going to enable this further. A little nerving at times but it feels right and critical for genuine growth.