How to get a loved one to quit smoking

[Ajl2016]

Hello all, not sure if this is the right space to post this but I wasn't sure where I should.

My loved one is my mother.

She's coming up to her 53rd birthday. She has been smoking well over 30 years. She's had several attempts in quitting including patches, pills, gum and even hypnosis. I understand why she smokes. With out going into full detail, home is very stressful for her. My father verbally abuses her, and yes I've spoken to my father about his abuse and he always replies with "we're only joking around, your mother knows that". It sickens me, obviously. I understand this is her coping mechanism and her reason for smoking lies deep down in her childhood most likely. I'm wondering if anyone has some positive ways I can encourage her to quit? We have a 3 month old and I want my son to have his grandmother around for a long time, just like I did.

[AllaboutthatEADG]

Aside from the myriad of side effects, the pharmaceutical drug champix/chant

ix will force a person to quit. As you said, (and I wholeheartedly agree) smoking for many of us is a small symptom of larger problems. The trouble I found was that even if a person worked on the problems the addiction to nicotine is still there and damn powerful. Many people don't like champix as it has some seriously powerful side effects that seem to be extremely varied depending on the person. Good luck with the smoking cessation, I hope it helps.

[bschu]

I am quitting myself recently, in Yo-yo fashion. There are 2 substitute products which I will swear by.

 

1 - Vaping. Or Vaporizer. They have shops all over the US now, or buy online. A start up kit with good battery and mouth piece will be about $100. After that you buy the oils which burn into vapor, at a very affordable price.  The vapor has a controlled level of nicotine, and it seems the vapor is much healthier because there is no "combustion" meaning no actual smoke, and currently without any scientific evidence they contain carcinogens (Note: however, recently there are some warnings that certain oils might not be healthy).

 

2 - Snus. another tobacco product, sort of like "chew" or "snuff". It is a very dry pouch of tobacco which you stick in the gum of your mouth, it takes a long time to soak in, it is quite potent but judging by my feeling, it seems to have less side effects and/or pain of smoking, so I "think" it to be better. (no science there), But more importantly, having the Snus as a back up, I can actually go a very long time without a cigarette OR the snus. I went a month easy, and didn't really depend on the snus so much. Maybe once a day. Meanwhile my lungs and whole body felt healthier so I started exercising again, and the smell and other side effects of smoking were all gone.

 

AND. If she reads. She has to read a book by Allen Carr, The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. People who have tried everything, at all ages, after reading this book. Just up and quit.

 

Anger is a severe "trigger" for me to smoke too. Even the sound of an angry voice makes me want to run out for a cigarette. I used to chain smoke while arguing with a girlfriend who also smoked. The key here should obviously be to work on the anger, but since that might take a long time or never happen, perhaps a substitute habit/hobby.

 

[fer]

...My father verbally abuses her, and yes I've spoken to my father about his abuse and he always replies with "we're only joking around, your mother knows that". It sickens me, obviously...

Aren't you more worried about the emotional health of your child by exposing him/her to such a dysfunctional couple? (And your emotional health too...)

[ManDudely]

I quit by imagining every cigarette was five minutes off my total lifespan. That might work, especially for an older person already passed their first half-century. 'I could feel a little better now, but at the cost of dying sooner'. I noticed the taste changed once I started thinking like that, until every inhalation disgusted me.

 

Add to that, Nicotine is a stimulant. An addictive stimulant. Your heart rate increases when you're smoking to compensate for the lack of oxygen that the smoke displaces. Any relief smokers report is probably a chemical reaction in the brain to having a substance introduced to the blood system that it has been conditioned to crave.

 

What you're really dealing with here is a coping mechanism. Even if you convinced your mother to stop smoking, the underlying and unresolved issues still exist. And then she has to confront them while at the same time going through the withdrawal symptoms of the smoking. She may fail to quit smoking on the first, second or third time, if she even wants to quit at all. She may not ever decide to face her inner problems and thus eradicate the need to smoke.

[Spenc]

i got my girlfriend to quit back in the spring.  when we started dating, she used to visit her cousins on the weekends and hang out there a lot.  they all smoke and she would have a few cigarettes on the weekends with them.  she never smoked during the week though.

 

later on when she was stressed out with her job and switching to a new job and other things, she had begun smoking during the week, and she was not accepting that she was becoming hooked when i warned her.  i had expressed displeasure with her smoking and she kind of brushed it off like i was overreacting.

 

when we were talking about future relationship potential, i told her i would not be able to consider her a long-term partner until she quit smoking and stayed quit for a couple months to prove she was done with it.  she finally was shook up a bit by this and started to accept that she had become a 'smoker' instead of an 'occasional smoker' or 'recreational smoker'.

 

so my girlfriend was in a relationship because she was pursuing a goal of finding a good man to start a family with, and i told her that smoking would be a huge obstacle in accomplishing that.  perhaps the equivalent for a 53-year old mother would be to tell her that she won't be considered a viable grandmother to your children if she is actively harming herself in the open.  same with your dad not being a suitable grandfather if he is prone to abusive language towards the people he claims to love.

[kathryn]

It's important to remember that you can't get someone to do something. That's putting 100% of the responsibility on yourself. You can talk with her honestly about your thoughts and feelings, but the choice and decision will have to be hers. 

 

I would think of the child's needs first and foremost. Second hand smoke is dangerous, and young children are especially susceptible. You may want to set very clear boundaries with your mom to limit the exposure your child has to her life threatening habit, and be direct about why you are setting those limits. For example, does she smoke in her home? Don't go over there. If she comes to your house, then she can't smoke there. If she isn't willing to cease smoking for the time she is at your home, then she can't come over. If she wants to be around her grandchild then she won't smoke. If her smoking is more important to her, you will learn that quickly and be able to move on. It is ok to be inconvenient when the needs of your child are at stake. 

 

Be honest, set boundaries, and remember her choices are not within your control. 

[Copper_Heart]

My aunt, about the same age, had smoked for most of her life. About 30 years of smoking. All family tried to pressure her and it never worked. Few month ago she completely stopped smoking. Without ever, EVER relapsing. Usually it was about one weak for her.

 

Want to know why?

 

She started smoking, because it was hype. She was young professional and gentlemen were asking: Does lady smoke? But of course she does. It was tool for socialization, status, prestige. She smoked ever since.

 

This summer and she was smoking on the beach when an some man playing with his kids told her: you do not care about your kids? Fine, but I want let you poison mine. Stop smoking or get out from here.

 

This experience was very contrary to what she experienced prior, at the dawn of her habit. Note, that it is very important that she was smoking at the moment and expected to "be cool", while she suddenly has become a "pariah". Strong disconfirming knowledge while directly experiencing the old one.

 

She is totally clean. I can vouch for that.

 

If you interested why it worked out, read about memory reconsolidation.

 

Good luck.

[Copper_Heart]

Ohhhh, ostracism!! There's your answer. Tell her (and follow through with her) that she will not see your son unless and until she quits.

 

In this case it was an effective counter measure, but you need know more about a person to know why she or he is smoking. It's also important to say that in case of my aunt ostracism by family members never worked, it had to be an outsider.

[joedacro]

Smoking is a tough habit to beat. The hardest thing about it is finding out why a person started smoking in the first place, then weigh it up with the persons current lifestyle. To make it even harder especially with someone who has smoked for so long it will be hard to get the starting information in order to find a reason to quit. 

 

For me I was smoking socially and while drinking, until i started smoking daily. Basically when i wanted to give up smoking i also gave up drinking regularly. When i gave up smoking the chemical addiction to nicotine was gone in less than a week. Although to this day if i have a beer i think a cigarette will be perfect. Same thing goes with coffee. Basically what I'm saying with this is a person needs a good reason to start the giving up cycle, then they need a follow up reason to not smoke when they are in situations they will turn to a cigarette. 

 

A good suggestion to get the ball rolling would be to ask your mother to not smoke when you come and visit with your son. 

 

Ohhhh, ostracism!! There's your answer. Tell her (and follow through with her) that she will not see your son unless and until she quits.

 

i dont know if this was sarcastic. But telling your mother this would violate the NAP. 

[AccuTron]

Uhhh...?

Yeah, I noticed that.  Maybe if it was done with a Hallmark card?

 

"Oh my dear Mumsy,

My child's lungs are the cost,

So I'll have to ask you,

To be sure to get lost!"

[Troubador]

I can only say the science of it all helped me quit. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances known to man, however the thing that helped me quit was when I found out that the nicotine is in your system for 72 hours. Once I framed it in my mind that 72 hours I had to contend with a literal chemical addiction, but after that it was little old me with myself and a psychological addiction it became much easier to take ownership and responsibility and actually that knowledge made it easier.

[Copper_Heart]

I can only say the science of it all helped me quit. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances known to man, however the thing that helped me quit was when I found out that the nicotine is in your system for 72 hours. Once I framed it in my mind that 72 hours I had to contend with a literal chemical addiction, but after that it was little old me with myself and a psychological addiction it became much easier to take ownership and responsibility and actually that knowledge made it easier.

 

Could you tell your story about how you started smoking and what does it mean to you?

[joedacro]

Uhhh...?

 

when you remove a person's choice you are using force.

 

Using tax as a example. 

 

"if you do not pay your taxes you will be fined, imprisoned or shot"

 

"if you do not stop smoking you cannot see my son anymore until you quit"

 

"if you do x ill remove y"

 

just because the punishment is not as severe doesn't mean it is not forceful by nature.

there is a reason why people act defensively in general from ultimatums. Ultimatums are an aggressive form of communication to another person and it also insults the person you are speaking by insinuating they are too stupid to even think about the situation, so instead all the conditions are given before they are given a choice in anything.

 

this is why id suggest the OP just ask what they want from their mother. and see how she chooses to react. In this case the OP would give the cons of smoking around his child. Now if the choice is made that his mother does not want to stop smoking because her grandchild is not enough motivation to stop the OP can react by not visiting until it is changed, or however they think is best to react to the situation.

[Troubador]

Sure! I began smoking at 17 very infrequently. I attended a boarding school, and we'd sneak out in the small hours. I enjoyed the whole being out at night and breaking the rules. I carried on the habit throughout my university years, however once I finished I definitely wanted to quit. Made a few half-hearted attempts, but I struck up a deep friendship with someone who had had a liver transplant (had happened to him during his teenage years). Unfortunately although eventually the new liver failed and he died. I discovered about 72 hours of chemical addiction the year following and that knowledge plus the impetus provided from seeing a friend die gave me the means and the motivation. Given how some people are not blessed with good health to start with it seems utter madness to throw it away.

[Cuffy_Meigs]

Everybody knows smoking is dangerous and expensive.

 

So the smoker must REALLY like it.

 

I think you need to get an honest answer about what she likes about smoking so much that overcomes these negatives. Some think it is cool but the most common answer seems to be that it relieves stress. If so then maybe get her to consider whether rather than cause = stress, effect = smoking, that it could be the other way round: you only 'need' to smoke because you smoke. That's kind of how addiction works after all.

 

She may accept this but counter that she just cannot quit. Try Stef's 'Million dollar' strategy ('could you quit for a week if I gave you $1 million? A month for 10 million'...etc).

 

Or that non-smoking-related stress is the dominant cause. Was that same stress present when she started smoking 30 years ago? If not then how does she know?

[sb23rd]

I've tried unsuccessfully even by example to persuade my mom to quitting. I've been smoking since I was 16 and have quit on three occasions with the first time the longest, almost two years.

 

I think Gabor Mates theories in particular explain some of it. People look to fill a void as a coping mechanism. My mom lacks self knowledge, was herself emotionally and physically absued, has not sought therapy and is mostly immune to reason.

 

In my experience others can only do so much with varying degrees of affect but in the end it's up to the self proprietor to decide.

[A4E]

I am pretty sure that my mother is never going to stop smoking or drinking unless she stops treating my father as if he is not sociopathic. Her mental health has been a train wreck for around 35 years because she accepts him. And some pretty horrid stuff has happened as a consequence of that.

 

Definitely coping mechanism.