Nicole Arbour's Ex-Boyfriend Speaks Out About Their Abusive Relationship

[MysterionMuffles]

You may know her best from her Dear Fat, People video, she was dating another Youtuber who I haven't even heard of til I saw this video show up on my front page. Matthew Santaro speaks out about how he was hit by her, and isolated from his friends and family because of her.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZ27W2K12fk

 

and here is her side of things where it makes me wonder if the abuse was twofold. The clips she has at the beginning of her video show him play punching her in the face and biting her shoulder, which although "playful" still makes me wonder...

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rX19DiD_a9E

 

or maybe she's gaslighting the shit out of him and their viewership...

 

People's comments in her video though do make me have a little hope that they don't easily believe her (if she's lying and deflecting) just because of EGGS!

 

What are your thoughts?

[things make sense]

I could be wrong, but that guy seems like a full blown psychopath. Pay attention to the emotional manipulative language he used and compare it to her video.

"I was in a relationship where I was made to do things".. 

 

also, the order in which you watch the videos matter. Watch halfway of the first video and watch the second video all the way and then finish the first. This is what I did.

 

Edit:

I have not much more to say, except that I will never really know what happened and that I can only go off of my initial reaction and intuition based on watching the 2 videos you posted. 

Like someone else mentioned, he had way too many cut scenes and he knew exactly what he was trying to do while he was editing his video. And something tells me he knew exactly what would happen after making the video public. He knew that the fat-shaming lady has a lot of haters already and he probably is aware that there is a growing trend on Youtube promoting men's rights and anti-feminism. Just look at a young white girl uploading a video about why we should all become feminists and look at the like-dislike bar. These kind of videos get shredded by people like Sargon, tldr, Karen Straughn and their followers. A person who purposefully engineers a video to evoke strong emotions from the viewer doesn't seem like a genuine person to me. It's kind of like someone who pretends his personality to gain affection from others. He is trying really hard to make me feel something with his careful video edits and I'm not cool with that at all. 

[Archimedes]

Yeah, the guy seems weird to me, too. I was once watching a video of him some month ago before all of this happened and was put off by his insincerity and lack of authenticity.

[MagnumPI]

Meh. He put up with it because she's hot, and he isn't. Want hot and crazy? Take hot and crazy, don't cry about it afterward.

Or fake...

[Matthew Ed Moran]

I don't doubt anything he said about her. It's not like female jealousy and aggression are atypical in relationships, but it's that we don't hear about it often. Something like 50% of domestic disputes are initiated by women. I hear that shared from FDR, but unfortunately I don't know the source off hand. 

 

The idea that the man faked the entire story, and all his spontaneous emotion... That's kind of a startling claim to me. I've never, ever met someone capable of doing that. Do you know of anyone capable of doing that?

 

What is a much more common tactic by sociopaths and people generally unable to feel empathy is this type of managed persona, where the facial and body expressions don't vary between a few states and aren't appropriate to what they're talking about (talking about sadness with a smile on your face), and instead are almost mechanistic and consciously controlled.

 

I thought the second video perfectly captured that kind of personality, for what it's worth. Her facial expression rarely deviates from one state no matter what she is talking about. She's talking about emotional topics, and you would think she's describing a party she went to if it weren't for subtitles. Did you notice that?

 

Of course, you could say I'm creating a description of what sociopaths are like ad hoc to fit the video, but I've actually noticed the trend in other places, too.

 

I think his video is brave. I think it's definitely worth an audience. People don't hear about male abuse enough, and a lot of times it makes them uncomfortable. All three posts here basically showed no compassion for the man, one suggested he was a "full blown psychopath" without evidence, the other called him weird, and the last said he doesn't deserve to cry about his experience of being abused, if he is even to be believed at all.

 

Now I'm not saying this guy is the most mentally healthy in the world, but I didn't see anything said about the woman in those posts. If the man is telling the truth about his abuse, which I see no reason to doubt, then she is lying about it with the grace of black swan. That seems just a bit more worthy of attention to me since if people are not familiar with these tactics by females (or anyone), it can cause them to feel doubt about their abuse and to conceal it from others in shame of being mocked. I've personally experienced abuse before from a woman who would later completely deny it, so I know intimately what that doubt can be like. I don't think the doubt exists for women like it does for men. Men are denied victim-hood in so many ways, and it is harder for men to speak out about it or even acknowledge to themselves if they have been abused in a relationship. So I think this video is worthy and about a topic that needs even more exposure.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[MagnumPI]

I don't doubt anything he said about her. It's not like female jealousy and aggression are atypical in relationships, but it's that we don't hear about it often. Something like 50% of domestic disputes are initiated by women. I hear that shared from FDR, but unfortunately I don't know the source off hand. 

 

The idea that the man faked the entire story, and all his spontaneous emotion... That's kind of a startling claim to me. I've never, ever met someone capable of doing that. Do you know of anyone capable of doing that?

 

What is a much more common tactic by sociopaths and people generally unable to feel empathy is this type of managed persona, where the facial and body expressions don't vary between a few states and aren't appropriate to what they're talking about (talking about sadness with a smile on your face), and instead are almost mechanistic and consciously controlled.

 

I thought the second video perfectly captured that kind of personality, for what it's worth. Her facial expression rarely deviates from one state no matter what she is talking about. She's talking about emotional topics, and you would think she's describing a party she went to if it weren't for subtitles. Did you notice that?

 

Of course, you could say I'm creating a description of what sociopaths are like ad hoc to fit the video, but I've actually noticed the trend in other places, too.

 

I think his video is brave. I think it's definitely worth an audience. People don't hear about male abuse enough, and a lot of times it makes them uncomfortable. All three posts here basically showed no compassion for the man, one suggested he was a "full blown psychopath" without evidence, the other called him weird, and the last said he doesn't deserve to cry about his experience of being abused, if he is even to be believed at all.

 

Now I'm not saying this guy is the most mentally healthy in the world, but I didn't see anything said about the woman in those posts. If the man is telling the truth about his abuse, which I see no reason to doubt, then she is lying about it with the grace of black swan. That seems just a bit more worthy of attention to me since if people are not familiar with these tactics by females (or anyone), it can cause them to feel doubt about their abuse and to conceal it from others in shame of being mocked. I've personally experienced abuse before from a woman who would later completely deny it, so I know intimately what that doubt can be like. I don't think the doubt exists for women like it does for men. Men are denied victim-hood in so many ways, and it is harder for men to speak out about it or even acknowledge to themselves if they have been abused in a relationship. So I think this video is worthy and about a topic that needs even more exposure.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

FYI, I lost compassion at "... I took her back". Would have if he were a woman, as well.

 

And I won't enable weakness. Got a problem? Let's fix it. If you need 2.5 million people to commiserate, that's just a band-aid for a gushing wound. Deny victimhood? You betcha. I'll help someone avoid victimhood, overcome victimhood, but not become a victim. One would think men would have learned something about begging for sympathy from this gynocentric culture. Between the alimony, child support/custody, taxes, welfare, complete economic ruin and just plain deplorable behavior from numerous generations of at least half the species, it should all be obvious how dangerous it is to embrace pity.

 

Instead of coddling the man(whom I don't know, don't care to, never will meet), I'm going to look for something to take away from his experience. What I've gathered is something I already knew and had to learn myself, the hard way:

Don't sleep with sociopaths.

Throw them out if you do.

Lock the fucking door...

 

Would have been nice to have had someone sit me down and tell it like it is, but only people around were a feminized caste of obedient ladyboys and man-children. So I carried on, wept, wasted emotions on vampires, drank myself into a self pitying stupor of pathetic jelly like this guy. Got me nowhere. Found reason, put the pieces together and now I'm stronger than ever.

 

Outside of that, teaching men that all they have to do to make things better is cry into a camera(just like a woman!) is destructive and dangerous. I won't be party to it.

[Matthew Ed Moran]

He didn't beg for sympathy, he didn't say all you have to do to make things better is cry into a camera, he didn't embrace pity (what does that even mean?). These are all things you made up. You are setting up a straw man and then knocking it down. That is annoying and misleading.

 

He shared how he became isolated and concealed the truth about his relationship (that he was physically abused) from others. He gave a warning sign of her extreme jealousy. He gave advice to others that, if you are a male and have been abused, you should speak out about it to your friends and family. That is good advice.

 

Do you disagree, even if you found the message disagreeable in other areas, that this is good advice?

[Jer]

I don't doubt anything he said about her. It's not like female jealousy and aggression are atypical in relationships, but it's that we don't hear about it often. Something like 50% of domestic disputes are initiated by women. I hear that shared from FDR, but unfortunately I don't know the source off hand. 

 

The idea that the man faked the entire story, and all his spontaneous emotion... That's kind of a startling claim to me. I've never, ever met someone capable of doing that. Do you know of anyone capable of doing that?

 

Thanks for sharing.

I noticed he only wiped his right eye which Bill Whittle said was a sign that Obama's tears were fake. There are also several cuts in the video which is evidence that his emotions are not spontaneous. I don't trust either of them.

[MagnumPI]

He didn't beg for sympathy, he didn't say all you have to do to make things better is cry into a camera, he didn't embrace pity (what does that even mean?). These are all things you made up. You are setting up a straw man and then knocking it down. That is annoying and misleading.

 

He shared how he became isolated and concealed the truth about his relationship (that he was physically abused) from others. He gave a warning sign of her extreme jealousy. He gave advice to others that, if you are a male and have been abused, you should speak out about it to your friends and family. That is good advice.

 

Do you disagree, even if you found the message disagreeable in other areas, that this is good advice?

 

... Yes, he did. You can tell because he's on youtube crying for the camera, knowing he'll get millions of views and offers nothing substantial regarding introspection or desire to become stronger and grow from the experience.

 

And you know what, I'll say it. Physically abused? He got hit once. Cheese and rice.

 

I do disagree. Only thing he should be telling others is "I left the bitch". She didn't make him feel, didn't make him do, didn't force him to stop talking to anyone. He didn't 'become' anything. He CHOSE what he did. For her. And went back for seconds. Speak out, the hell does that mean? If you want to talk about it, do it. No need to elevate to anything other than conversation. Shit, she's like 90 lbs. I've probably gotten deeper wounds from my cat. If I called my friends crying over that, they'd think it was hilarious.

 

Hey bro, my old lady punched me.

No shit? You drop the bitch?

No! Why, I'm just so emotionally manipulated and hurt that I'm going to stick around and do this for a while longer. I just needed to speak out.

FFS...

[Matthew Ed Moran]

That is what assault in a personal relationship is called, abuse. It is modeled in parenting relationships towards children, to their detriment, which is why it usually re-occurs in their future relationships if they do not seek therapy and self knowledge. You can make all the non arguments you want, but "he got hit once" is not a refutation of anything. 

 

He recorded the video months in advance of releasing it publicly. Damn he must have planned that all along to get the best return on investment instead of releasing it within days of making it. And I guess you'd say January makes perfect sense since it is right after the holidays when people are on Youtube a lot. Doesn't that sound just a tad ridiculous to you?

 

I would be extremely surprised if he wasn't actually hit by her.

 

It dawned on me that the abuse is just going to continue into the next relationship unless he finds the root source, and he didn't say anything about that.

 

I'm actually not sure I appreciate his show of emotion now, since the advice was such a small part it felt more like an empathy dump. In fact it could be harmful for this message to come from a source like him, since he really doesn't seem credible at all in terms of self knowledge.

[MysterionMuffles]

I'm surprised by the lack of compassion in this thread, save for Matthew's posts. 

 

I'm instantly reminded of this "MAN UP!" mentality that's inflicted on abuse victims. Sure, Matthew Sontaro is a grown man who chose all these things, but much like a female victim in the same kind of situation, there is something about the abuser that attracts them and keeps them in the relationship longer than they should be in it. Even when the abuse occurs.

 

This whole "it was only once" bullshit is akin to "my parents only beat me once." Just because it once, doesn't make it any less serious. I will grant the man self ownership in choosing to stay with her and for ditching all his friends, and I am disappointed that there's nothing in his video about introspecting on how he attracted her in the first place--but that do

 

I could be wrong, but that guy seems like a full blown psychopath. Pay attention to the emotional manipulative language he used and compare it to her video.

"I was in a relationship where I was made to do things".. 

 

also, the order in which you watch the videos matter. Watch halfway of the first video and watch the second video all the way and then finish the first. This is what I did.

 

Tell me more.

 

 

Yeah, the guy seems weird to me, too. I was once watching a video of him some month ago before all of this happened and was put off by his insincerity and lack of authenticity.

 

Tell me more.

 

I noticed he only wiped his right eye which Bill Whittle said was a sign that Obama's tears were fake. There are also several cuts in the video which is evidence that his emotions are not spontaneous. I don't trust either of them.

 

He also sniffed a lot while looking down. He must be part of the secret reptilian race.

esn't erase the initial sympathy I have for what he went through.

[MagnumPI]

Children are not adults...And unless I missed it, he hasn't filed abduction charges.

[things make sense]

I added more thoughts in my original post

[things make sense]

I'm instantly reminded of this "MAN UP!" mentality that's inflicted on abuse victims. 

 

I don't agree with that. Even if the genders were reversed, I would probably arrive at similar conclusions. I agree with MagnumPI that when two consenting adults are in an abusive relationship, both are at fault. 

To answer your other question, I think she was attracted to his fame because I think he had something like 6 million subscribers at one point and he was attracted to boobs. 

[MysterionMuffles]

I don't agree with that. Even if the genders were reversed, I would probably arrive at similar conclusions. I agree with MagnumPI that when two consenting adults are in an abusive relationship, both are at fault. 

To answer your other question, I think she was attracted to his fame because I think he had something like 6 million subscribers at one point and he was attracted to boobs. 

 

Good point. Both are at fault and neither of them are showing any signs of introspection on their choices. They are more committed to their wounds and antagonizing the other then actually understanding how they could let this happen.

 

Matthew would have to learn why he allowed himself to be pushed around like that and Nicole should look in to why she thinks hitting and controlling him was okay.

[Frosty]

I followed Nicoles comedy ever since she went viral with her dear fat people video (I'm fat btw) but found it edgy and funny while other people trashed her for being rude and the rest of it, I don't think there should be limits on comedy myself. 

Fast forward to this incident and it was the first I heard of Matt, his video seems to contain genuine pain and Nicole comes across as somewhat sociopathic. Another youtuber called GradeAunderA did a video showing inconsistencies in Nicoles story which is telling.

 

My own experience with sociopathic (but non violent) women has left me with a good idea of what to look for in these women, she's superficially charming, uses her sexuality to manipulate, she's not terribly concerned with the feelings of others, her body language doesn't match what she's saying. There's little doubt in my mind that what Matt said is the truth, it takes a lot of balls to come out as a man and be open and vulnerable, but to do it online with a massive fanbase of millions of people is probably a sign of desperation, he obviously really needs to get that off his chest.

 

Regarding one other posters comments on ratios of initiation of domestic abuse, simply google "domestic violence gender symmetry" you'll find a lot of published papers on this. It is indeed highly symmetric, women do hit and abuse and they have a greater incidence of using weapons as well.

 

I'm always ranting about holding women accountable for the men they had, which I think is something we need to strongly enocurage, but it does need to be mirrored to men, we need to also be held accountable for picking crazy women, yes she's hot and probably slutty but did he fall for her because of her looks or because she's a virtuous person? Probably the former. Given her career and his fame online she probably saw him as an opportunity to slingshot to fame, and she knows that even during the negative attention of her viral "dear fat people" video she got hate but still grew rapidly in popularity and subscribers.

 

I do feel for the guy though, it's hard to fathom by people who have empathy just how deviant sociopaths can be and how well they can mimic affection and love to get what they want.

 

*edit*

 

Worth also adding that she disabled comments on both her videos and disabled the ratings which were at last count almost exclusively negative.

Edited January 19, 2016 by Frosty

[Jer]

 

He also sniffed a lot while looking down. He must be part of the secret reptilian race.

esn't erase the initial sympathy I have for what he went through.

Is that the only option? Maybe they planned it together, faking this sort of stuff to get attention is common on youtube. I was responding to a post that said he thought the video was spontaneous and I offered my thoughts as to why it didn't look spontaneous to me.

[MysterionMuffles]

Is that the only option? Maybe they planned it together, faking this sort of stuff to get attention is common on youtube. I was responding to a post that said he thought the video was spontaneous and I offered my thoughts as to why it didn't look spontaneous to me.

 

why doesn't it look spontaneous?