Narcissistic family members control you with 'good times'

[Bipedal Primate]

 

Every once in a while, targets who have gone no contact with their family of origin will start daydreaming and remembering the “happy good times” with the narcissist in their family. Well, I’m here to remind you that those were not fun, happy times. Those were disgusting, humiliating times. Those were very sad times.

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[utopian]

Some interesting truth here. I was/am in a relationship with a BPD who exibited these traits. I never subscribed myself to her fully though, and it has brought about some interesting truths about myself. BPD and narcissism (and what I believe I have, sociopathy) all fall under an established category known as Cluster B Personality Disorders. My FWB told me herself thta she was diagnosed with BPD, and while she certainly is at fault for certain things, I see a lot of the same traits in myself. I think I can get better though. I am looking at and working on it.

[Danske]

An idealized childhood that you simultaneously barely remember?

Huge red-flag. The de-idealization of childhood is a horrible, long process.

[AccuTron]

Succinct, spot on, high value presentation.  With what I already know about my past, it is a very good gap filler. 

[Bipedal Primate]

Some interesting truth here. I was/am in a relationship with a BPD who exibited these traits. I never subscribed myself to her fully though, and it has brought about some interesting truths about myself. BPD and narcissism (and what I believe I have, sociopathy) all fall under an established category known as Cluster B Personality Disorders. My FWB told me herself thta she was diagnosed with BPD, and while she certainly is at fault for certain things, I see a lot of the same traits in myself. I think I can get better though. I am looking at and working on it.

I think it is normal for targets to adopt the toxic traits that were imprinted onto them after years and decades of emotional abuse. In my opinion, there are two types of former targets who leave abusive relationships.

1.) this target will eventually ask the question, "Am I a toxic person?" "Why am I behaving like this?" "This is not who I want to be." After engaging in self-work and seeking therapy and/or peer support, this target will slowly shed the toxic traits they adopted from their abuser/s and will look for win-win relationships.

2.) this target will never ask if they are toxic and will go through life spreading the virus of win-lose relationships.  Narcissistic abusers destroy the target's sense of self and brainwash the target into believing they are a zero and need to lie and manipulate to survive. The target becomes an abuser.

 

Thank you for taking the time to share! I am very curious to learn more about how you have come to the conclusion you are a sociopath. Specifically the question, "What makes you believe you are a sociopath?" Feel free to PM anytime. I just made a video breaking down the Narcissism spectrum with a basic overview of the differences between a classic, overt, covert, and sociopath.

 

An idealized childhood that you simultaneously barely remember?

Huge red-flag. The de-idealization of childhood is a horrible, long process.

Yes, I agree. My heart goes out to targets who start the process of acknowledging and accepting the reality of the abuse they endured. Breaking down years of barriers that shielded me from the painful truth was devastating. Whilst working as a counselor with recovering addicts, I was told many times that detoxing from their abuser was harder than giving up their heroin addiction. After years of brainwashing, targets develop both an emotional and physiological addiction to the abuser, especially when the abuser uses the reward and punishment strategy to control the target, also known as the sweet-mean-cycle. This is the type of abuse I experienced with my abuser, my mom.

Succinct, spot on, high value presentation.  With what I already know about my past, it is a very good gap filler. 

Thank you for such a lovely compliment. I am happy to know I am providing value. :-)

[utopian]

Thank you for taking the time to share! I am very curious to learn more about how you have come to the conclusion you are a sociopath. Specifically the question, "What makes you believe you are a sociopath?"

 

Well, I first became curious about the subject when I started reading some things about sociopaths on here/listening to Stephan, and started looking into what a sociopath was. I looked at several sources, but one of them seemed to stand out to me;

 

http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

 

And that was because of the 15 first traits I had at least 13, and of the second set I had all 10 traits. Actually narcissism seems to describe me fairly well as well. And I found it odd, that I found myself attracted to a Borderline. All of these are cluster B disorders;

 

https://paularenee.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/awareness-of-cluster-b-disorders-and-sociopaths/

 

Now as far as I am concerned, I am typically interested in controlling people more than being with them. I have no real friends, just acquaintances. I am near 30, and though I sometimes find the quick and easy women, I have never had a real relationship. I have always known I tend to solo better than others can work together. This is corroborated in my research that says that sociopaths tend to be high functioning, and all of my IQ scores are at least 115, one near 130. I can often contemplate involved topics such as the mechanics of the Federal Reserve and it's enslavement of the world. Part of it is that I know I am devoid of emotion, and can operate much more efficiently because of it.

 

But that is also where I began to wonder what might have been wrong with me. I could see others congregating, working together and making friends. Doing lots of other "normal" human stuff. I never seemed to be able to. I can operate much more efficiently and achieve heights that others cannot. But I can't be human. Most of my life that has not bothered me much, except now that the more I explore it, the more I want to know what I have been missing. It is also, perhaps, a sociopathic/narcissistic challenge to myself, to see if I can conquer myself. I am my own worst enemy.

 

But also, it makes sense that I might have one of these disorders. I was severely abused as a young child. When I was a newborn baby, I was shaken by both my parents, an event that some sources say tends to kill 3 out of 4 children. I can remember being a child without words, perhaps 1 year old, and my father hitting me. To my mother, who also has Borderline (Freud much?) I was an object for her to express her feelings of love upon, whether they were healthy for me or not, but not actually a human baby. I can remember my father hitting me, but I can never remember my parents making eye contact with me, or anything else that a properly loved child should receive. 

 

 

My quest for self knowledge comes from a desire to know love, and fill the hole in my heart that has been there my whole life. I am not sure if it will ever happen. I found a sense of healing and fulfillment somewhat recently in a woman with Borderline (dat Freud) who seemed to love me like no other woman is capable of. It was not love though; borderlines are not actually capable of love. Though I felt like it was, upon further reading and testing, I realized it was not. Unfortunately, I am not sure if I will ever fully heal. A mentally healthy woman, according to some sources, will never be able to love me like a borderline will seem to, and that's the only thing that seems fulfilling to someone like me. 

 

 

 

2.) this target will never ask if they are toxic and will go through life spreading the virus of win-lose relationships.  Narcissistic abusers destroy the target's sense of self and brainwash the target into believing they are a zero and need to lie and manipulate to survive. The target becomes an abuser.

 

 

That seems to be what had happened to me, although, having been a fairly devout study of philosophy here and other places, I was able to recognize this happening and act accordingly. In fact I think this might have been my sociopathy acting out, as not only was I usually able to push this woman's buttons for a desired effect, but I knew what would hurt her. I cut her off, knowing full well this would likely very much hurt her. Part of me was ecstatic to do it, having been hurt by her. Part of me was very sad, remembering what good times we had together, and knowing it would never be again. They were indeed some of the happier memories of my life.

 

I might say that I am too far broken, but I am not even quite sure what fixed is. With years of therapy I might be better one day, but I think if I ever do reach that point, it will probably be at the age where I am not even wanted any more. I don't chase unicorns, and I don't appreciate ideal false hope. Sometimes I think about suicide. I am not even sad about it any more, just bored with life, tired of it all, and feeling ready for it to be over. There are, however, achievements in real life for me to as yet acquire. My narcissism, perhaps, prevents me from suicide, as the story of utopian must develop the character of the main story into the hero. It does please me to see people be better off from my endeavors. Perhaps that is just what Stephan calls "rational self interest".

[Bipedal Primate]

On 2/4/2016 at 3:38 AM, utopian said:

Well, I first became curious about the subject when I started reading some things about sociopaths on here/listening to Stephan, and started looking into what a sociopath was. I looked at several sources, but one of them seemed to stand out to me;

 

http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

 

And that was because of the 15 first traits I had at least 13, and of the second set I had all 10 traits. Actually narcissism seems to describe me fairly well as well. And I found it odd, that I found myself attracted to a Borderline. All of these are cluster B disorders;

 

https://paularenee.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/awareness-of-cluster-b-disorders-and-sociopaths/

 

Now as far as I am concerned, I am typically interested in controlling people more than being with them. I have no real friends, just acquaintances. I am near 30, and though I sometimes find the quick and easy women, I have never had a real relationship. I have always known I tend to solo better than others can work together. This is corroborated in my research that says that sociopaths tend to be high functioning, and all of my IQ scores are at least 115, one near 130. I can often contemplate involved topics such as the mechanics of the Federal Reserve and it's enslavement of the world. Part of it is that I know I am devoid of emotion, and can operate much more efficiently because of it.

 

But that is also where I began to wonder what might have been wrong with me. I could see others congregating, working together and making friends. Doing lots of other "normal" human stuff. I never seemed to be able to. I can operate much more efficiently and achieve heights that others cannot. But I can't be human. Most of my life that has not bothered me much, except now that the more I explore it, the more I want to know what I have been missing. It is also, perhaps, a sociopathic/narcissistic challenge to myself, to see if I can conquer myself. I am my own worst enemy.

 

But also, it makes sense that I might have one of these disorders. I was severely abused as a young child. When I was a newborn baby, I was shaken by both my parents, an event that some sources say tends to kill 3 out of 4 children. I can remember being a child without words, perhaps 1 year old, and my father hitting me. To my mother, who also has Borderline (Freud much?) I was an object for her to express her feelings of love upon, whether they were healthy for me or not, but not actually a human baby. I can remember my father hitting me, but I can never remember my parents making eye contact with me, or anything else that a properly loved child should receive. 

 

 

My quest for self knowledge comes from a desire to know love, and fill the hole in my heart that has been there my whole life. I am not sure if it will ever happen. I found a sense of healing and fulfillment somewhat recently in a woman with Borderline (dat Freud) who seemed to love me like no other woman is capable of. It was not love though; borderlines are not actually capable of love. Though I felt like it was, upon further reading and testing, I realized it was not. Unfortunately, I am not sure if I will ever fully heal. A mentally healthy woman, according to some sources, will never be able to love me like a borderline will seem to, and that's the only thing that seems fulfilling to someone like me. 

 

 

 

That seems to be what had happened to me, although, having been a fairly devout study of philosophy here and other places, I was able to recognize this happening and act accordingly. In fact I think this might have been my sociopathy acting out, as not only was I usually able to push this woman's buttons for a desired effect, but I knew what would hurt her. I cut her off, knowing full well this would likely very much hurt her. Part of me was ecstatic to do it, having been hurt by her. Part of me was very sad, remembering what good times we had together, and knowing it would never be again. They were indeed some of the happier memories of my life.

 

I might say that I am too far broken, but I am not even quite sure what fixed is. With years of therapy I might be better one day, but I think if I ever do reach that point, it will probably be at the age where I am not even wanted any more. I don't chase unicorns, and I don't appreciate ideal false hope. Sometimes I think about suicide. I am not even sad about it any more, just bored with life, tired of it all, and feeling ready for it to be over. There are, however, achievements in real life for me to as yet acquire. My narcissism, perhaps, prevents me from suicide, as the story of utopian must develop the character of the main story into the hero. It does please me to see people be better off from my endeavors. Perhaps that is just what Stephan calls "rational self interest".

 I doubt you are a sociopath. I'm guessing you are a person who grew up in an abusive environment, like myself, and you have developed 'defense mechanisms' to mask and shield you from 'feeling' --specifically emotional pain. Your description, of yourself, is a normal reaction/result of abuse. Your defense mechanisms have absolutely kept you alive, without them you probably would have killed yourself. You clearly have a lot of fucking pain being held captive inside of you.

 

I suggest you consider doing a year of IFS therapy, in addition to participating in a free community peer-to-peer counseling service.

 

I can personally relate to almost everything you have shared. There was a time in my life when I thought I was damaged and mentally ill due to the fact I did not think I had 'emotions.' Not having emotions is how I survived as a child and I carried this into adulthood. After processing my childhood abuse, I then understood the difference between my false-self and my true-self. IFS is what helped me pull my true self out into the open. The best part about IFS is that you can do it on your own.

[tullworthington]

Enjoyed your spectrum video!

[Bipedal Primate]

Enjoyed your spectrum video!

Thank you for the positive feedback! I am happy to know I am providing value. :-)