Is it immoral to have kids with a dishonest person?

[Thus_Spake_the_Nightspirit]

Ah, sorry! The friend is a man.

[vahleeb]

Has he ever shown a romantic interest in you (in the past)? Is he currently in a marriage or in a long-term relationship? Is he gay?

 

I have a point with these questions (which I am sure is perfectly transparent to you by now) so please bare with them in answering.

[TheAuger]

Off-the top of my head, this is a silly debate for two main reasons:

 

  1) Your original claim was obviously wrong. There are dishonest people. You can't separate people and their intents and choices from actions and words, and pretty much any psychopath is thoroughly dishonest. 

  2) You keep making easily disproven, silly claims, as if you don't even think about what you're saying.

 

All in all, you're looking like a troll. Others seem to be ignoring you too, so I should probably follow their wise example.

 

1)  You can't just claim my original claim was obviously wrong -- you actually have to go through the steps of creating an argument refuting my original claim.  This is called a rebuttal, and it helps when it's backed by reasoned evidence.

 

2)  This is not an argument, either.  "You keep making easily disproven, silly claims" is itself an "easily disproven, silly claim".

 

Just because someone happens to disagree with statements you've made does not make them a "troll".  Your post is just a big ad hominem fallacy.  And if you already conceded that it's a bit of a silly debate anyway, then why on earth would you continue?

[Thus_Spake_the_Nightspirit]

He is single, straight, and says under different circumstances, he would pursue a relationship with me. However, he stated referring to my husband as being dishonest and unworthy of having kids before showing a more than platonic interest in me. He also tells me he thinks I'd probably be a bad wife and mother. So I'm understandably confused at what he's trying to do.

[vahleeb]

You're right, Nightspirit, his actions do sound confusing and I can only empathise with what an emotional quagmire you must be facing.

 

If you could bear with me for one (two actually) more piece of information, so as not to make an error in judgement when assessing your situation, can you tell me who turned you onto Freedomain Radio and what was it about it that resonated with you enough to stay with it?

 

Just so you don't feel like I'm just asking questions without sharing anything about myself, I'd like to tell you how I was turned onto Freedomain Radio. It was by a "recommended for you" video on YouTube and it was Stefan's rebuttal of what some chick from the Young Turks posted in regard to something Adam Carolla had said. I had been a big fan of the Adam Carolla Show (it's a comedy/daily show podcast) and of his political ideas (fiscally conservative, socially liberal) as well as his take on the bullshit of the media and of Hollywood, the decay of California, etc. In watching Stefan's video, I found myself in perfect agreement with his rebuttal of the "criticisms" that had been heaped onto Carolla by the Young Turks presenter. I also realised that he was saying what I was thinking to an amazing extent. In the linked videos of that particular YouTube video, there was another one by Stefan called "Defending Ayn Rand". I had already read the Ayn Rand novels at the time and believed that Atlas Shrugged was the most important book ever written so I gave the video a go just to see if lighting could strike twice. It did. So then I watched at random about 5-8 of Stefan's videos and after getting over the emotional response of "finally" finding someone who could use reason and common sense when examining every situation, I went over to iTunes and started the FDR podcasts at Episode 1. Going through this process has literally helped me change my stance on a great many things: from the actual concept of anarchy, to peaceful parenting, to the quest for truth and reason above all else, to my own misconceptions about my childhood and since I am not yet caught up (not by a long shot) I am aware that the transformation will continue.

[Troubador]

Your friend sounds like a real snake in the grass. He's pouring poison down your ear about your husband to make him appear better by comparison. He's pouring poison in your ear about yourself to wreck your self esteem and to make it appear like you couldn't do any better than him.

 

As to your husbands deceptions, yeah your right that's not on either. However do you think through therapy you and your husband can reach a good level of trust? It sounds from what you said you have both been willing to put in some work? Zeroing in on the debt simply by way of example how bad is it currently? Would your husband be willing to let you take the lead on the family finances? If he was it would show he very much trusted you which would be a good sign.

 

Also is your husband getting any therapy outside the couples stuff you do together? It sounds like he could use it. Anyway best of luck.

[Thus_Spake_the_Nightspirit]

Vahleeb,

 

can you tell me who turned you onto Freedomain Radio and what was it about it that resonated with you enough to stay with it?

 

Same friend! The information in the podcasts was not particularly new for me or anything- I've always been pretty "switched on", but I didn't know about podcasts and my friend is addicted to podcasts of all kinds. He suggested a few that he likes that he thought I might also like and FDR was included on the short list. Initially I listened only to the ones he would talk about so that I could be up to speed with the conversation, but now I just listen to the ones that look interesting to me. I do like Stef's approach to various topics, which is a bit different to other people's, and I usually finish listening to one of his podcasts with plenty to think about.

 

 

Troubador,

 

He's pouring poison down your ear about your husband to make him appear better by comparison. He's pouring poison in your ear about yourself to wreck your self esteem and to make it appear like you couldn't do any better than him.

 

Is he? See, this is what I find so confusing because I think for most people, that would be their motivation for doing something like that. But I think there is also a possibility that he does genuinely care about me and other interactions I have with him support his claim that he does. In a lot of ways, he has been a very good friend and very helpful to me. He does seem genuinely concerned about my self esteem and happiness, but I do feel like his perception of my husband may be a bit biased. For example, he is convinced my husband can never change, that he is too old, too damaged, not interested in fixing himself, and too dishonest and delusional to see that he needs fixing. When I tell him ways that my husband is making an effort and showing improvement, he dismisses it and says he is just faking it, that he's lied to me before so why would I believe him now. Each one is insisting that he himself is a good person and the other one is just out to use me/hurt me/exploit me/etc and I don't know who or what to believe. I have, unfortunately, made some very bad decisions in the past in regards to the kind of people I've allowed into my life, believing them to be good people when they were really horrible, and both of them keep throwing that in my face as evidence for why my judgment of the other person's character can't be trusted. In my view, they both have a lot of positive qualities and some flaws, but then I think maybe they are right that I am terrible judge of character and that I cannot actually know who is or is not a good person. So I feel very confused and conflicted.

 

However do you think through therapy you and your husband can reach a good level of trust? It sounds from what you said you have both been willing to put in some work? 

 

I think we could get there eventually. We both have a lot of issues with trust in general that will need some work, but I don't personally think the situation is hopeless. However, we have mutually agreed to stop seeing the marriage therapist because we think he is doing more harm than good, but we will try to find another.

 

 

 Would your husband be willing to let you take the lead on the family finances? If he was it would show he very much trusted you which would be a good sign.

 

We tried this a few years ago and he was willing to let me be in charge, but it presented some problems because he is the main breadwinner and his pay goes into his account where he often spends it without thinking about it or checking with me. So I would do a budget and be really careful only to find that he wasn't sticking to it. This resulted in him telling a few more lies in regards to spending. He would make a dumb purchase, feel ashamed, then try to hide it, and inevitably I would find out about it and then be more angry about the lie than the fact that he had made some impulse purchase. My husband has a big problem with forward planning and as a result is really bad with money (among other things). I think he feel really embarrassed by this, especially when he gets called up on it by me, so he feels compelled to hide it. So clearly he doesn't trust me enough or he'd just be honest about it. In all fairness to him, though, he has not told any more lies in well over a year and a half.

 

Also is your husband getting any therapy outside the couples stuff you do together? 

 

He would like to, but he will only speak to a male therapist and we've had trouble finding any that aren't fully booked, so we're still looking.