kathryn Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Just published my first article on Medium! Check it out! https://medium.com/self-knowledge-daily/cutting-the-fog-770fbcc39b52#.vc8j5uu3a 4 Tips for Practicing a Higher Level of Honesty Most people don’t intend to be dishonest. Few people go around actively telling lies to others. However, most lies, and the lies that arise from fog, are denials we tell ourselves. This kind of dishonesty comes out of unawareness and can be detrimental to relationships. Fog is a state of disconnection with the self. It is often marked by confusion and evasion. For example, a coworker asks you what you did last night. The image of you alone, binging on pizza and Netflix on the floor of your bedroom in your underwear, flickers through your head, as does a creeping feeling of shame, but you immediately suppress the emotion. When you are fogging, you do not fully connect with the feeling of shame because your body registers it as a bad feeling, one you need to run away from. Fight or flight mode gets activated within your own mind against yourself. It isn’t wrong or dangerous to tell your coworker that you were “taking it easy” the night before, no need to over disclose or create social awkwardness, but it is dangerous to lie to yourself. Suppressing the feelings of shame doesn’t make those feelings disappear. Fog clouds your feelings, and prompts little lies that erode the sense of self. Keep in mind that I am not advocating for stating everything you are feeling all the time, that would obviously be socially inappropriate. Openness with others is only a virtue when it has boundaries and containment, but that is different from the level of honesty you have with yourself. Also, I do want to mention that cultivating more honesty with myself is a work in progress for me. I am not an expert. I’m still learning the cues from my body and emotions and how to listen to them. It’s a process of decoding messages from my instincts. These are some the strategies I use to cut the fog: 1. Slow Down Take a breath. When you are talking quickly, thinking quickly, or in a situation you perceive a pressure to answer immediately you’re more likely get confused and foggy. When I feel this way sometimes I excuse myself to the bathroom, and in the space of 60 or 90 seconds I can center myself and have a clearer idea of how I feel. And, being an introvert, I think getting a minute and a half of solitude gives me a lot of strength. (Though this tactic does backfire when you are with a group of girls who all want to go to the bathroom together!) 2. Be Gentle with Yourself Self-compassion is so important as you try to cut the fog. Internally resisting your feelings is like fighting the wind. Behavior is voluntary; you are in control of your actions, but emotions are involuntary responses and not in your control. The parts of your body, which speak up to tell you how you feel, get really scared when another part of you is yelling at them to shut up. Be gentle with those little parts, they are trying to help you! Also, remember that perfection is an impossible standard. Everyone makes mistakes. We are only human. Errors in memory and judgment happen all the time, and that’s ok. The real test is how you handle making those mistakes. If you are busy beating yourself up, you will be less likely to make amends or correct the error. 3. Learn About Yourself Did you ever play Age of Empires? The map of the world in the game is totally dark until you send explorers around to uncover the darkness. Think of your mind as a big map that needs to be explored. Ask yourself questions and be curious. How do you feel? What are your preferences? What are your deepest needs? What do you want from life? Send little scouts out in your mind and heart to get a lay of the land! 4. Practice Practicing is vital because you are creating new neural pathways within your brain. You have to form a new path, like a forester building a trail. He has to cut through branches and brush to make a proper walkway, and he has to maintain the path by walking it frequently and cleaning up any debris that falls to the earth. The best place to practice cutting the fog is with a therapist. I’ve been in therapy for about 5 years, and it has been invaluable (especially in the last year since I incorporated philosophy into my therapeutic work). You can also practice by frequently checking in with yourself and exploring your thoughts and feelings through journaling, self-talk, and even mood tracking apps on your phone. Practicing with close friends can also be very helpful, as long as they are empathic, compassionate, and safe people to be vulnerable with. Feeling scared of what a friend will think? Tell them. You don’t have to divulge your deepest darkest secrets if you don’t want to, but be honest about why. Are you ashamed? Are you scared? Figuring out how and why you feel the way you do will offer you enormous clarity in your life and relationships. Conclusion The false self that develops from denying your feelings is exhausting to maintain. When you evaluate the cost-benefit analysis of trying to be someone you’re not, it is far easier just to be your authentic self. The old advice, be yourself, is cliche for a reason. Self-knowledge is an ongoing process, which I’m definitely still working on and developing everyday. There is no quick fix, no Age of Empires-esque reveal map cheat code in real life, but, much like the game, the hard work makes the win much more gratifying. 9
csekavec Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Amen. Well written and good advice. Keeping written journals and regular review of them has helped me conquer many bad habits, increased my self-awareness, and ultimately has been the most helpful activity I've ever done. 1
Matthew Ed Moran Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 That's a really impressive article, Kathryn. I really liked reading it I have this weird fascination with your phrase "little parts." For some reason I just picture walking up to a tall burly man and asking him if he is being gentle with his little parts today. 1
myclippedwings Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Just published my first article on Medium! Check it out! https://medium.com/self-knowledge-daily/cutting-the-fog-770fbcc39b52#.vc8j5uu3a 4 Tips for Practicing a Higher Level of Honesty Most people don’t intend to be dishonest. Few people go around actively telling lies to others. However, most lies, and the lies that arise from fog, are denials we tell ourselves. This kind of dishonesty comes out of unawareness and can be detrimental to relationships. Fog is a state of disconnection with the self. It is often marked by confusion and evasion. For example, a coworker asks you what you did last night. The image of you alone, binging on pizza and Netflix on the floor of your bedroom in your underwear, flickers through your head, as does a creeping feeling of shame, but you immediately suppress the emotion. When you are fogging, you do not fully connect with the feeling of shame because your body registers it as a bad feeling, one you need to run away from. Fight or flight mode gets activated within your own mind against yourself. It isn’t wrong or dangerous to tell your coworker that you were “taking it easy” the night before, no need to over disclose or create social awkwardness, but it is dangerous to lie to yourself. Suppressing the feelings of shame doesn’t make those feelings disappear. Fog clouds your feelings, and prompts little lies that erode the sense of self. Keep in mind that I am not advocating for stating everything you are feeling all the time, that would obviously be socially inappropriate. Openness with others is only a virtue when it has boundaries and containment, but that is different from the level of honesty you have with yourself. Also, I do want to mention that cultivating more honesty with myself is a work in progress for me. I am not an expert. I’m still learning the cues from my body and emotions and how to listen to them. It’s a process of decoding messages from my instincts. These are some the strategies I use to cut the fog: 1. Slow Down Take a breath. When you are talking quickly, thinking quickly, or in a situation you perceive a pressure to answer immediately you’re more likely get confused and foggy. When I feel this way sometimes I excuse myself to the bathroom, and in the space of 60 or 90 seconds I can center myself and have a clearer idea of how I feel. And, being an introvert, I think getting a minute and a half of solitude gives me a lot of strength. (Though this tactic does backfire when you are with a group of girls who all want to go to the bathroom together!) 2. Be Gentle with Yourself Self-compassion is so important as you try to cut the fog. Internally resisting your feelings is like fighting the wind. Behavior is voluntary; you are in control of your actions, but emotions are involuntary responses and not in your control. The parts of your body, which speak up to tell you how you feel, get really scared when another part of you is yelling at them to shut up. Be gentle with those little parts, they are trying to help you! Also, remember that perfection is an impossible standard. Everyone makes mistakes. We are only human. Errors in memory and judgment happen all the time, and that’s ok. The real test is how you handle making those mistakes. If you are busy beating yourself up, you will be less likely to make amends or correct the error. 3. Learn About Yourself Did you ever play Age of Empires? The map of the world in the game is totally dark until you send explorers around to uncover the darkness. Think of your mind as a big map that needs to be explored. Ask yourself questions and be curious. How do you feel? What are your preferences? What are your deepest needs? What do you want from life? Send little scouts out in your mind and heart to get a lay of the land! 4. Practice Practicing is vital because you are creating new neural pathways within your brain. You have to form a new path, like a forester building a trail. He has to cut through branches and brush to make a proper walkway, and he has to maintain the path by walking it frequently and cleaning up any debris that falls to the earth. The best place to practice cutting the fog is with a therapist. I’ve been in therapy for about 5 years, and it has been invaluable (especially in the last year since I incorporated philosophy into my therapeutic work). You can also practice by frequently checking in with yourself and exploring your thoughts and feelings through journaling, self-talk, and even mood tracking apps on your phone. Practicing with close friends can also be very helpful, as long as they are empathic, compassionate, and safe people to be vulnerable with. Feeling scared of what a friend will think? Tell them. You don’t have to divulge your deepest darkest secrets if you don’t want to, but be honest about why. Are you ashamed? Are you scared? Figuring out how and why you feel the way you do will offer you enormous clarity in your life and relationships. Conclusion The false self that develops from denying your feelings is exhausting to maintain. When you evaluate the cost-benefit analysis of trying to be someone you’re not, it is far easier just to be your authentic self. The old advice, be yourself, is cliche for a reason. Self-knowledge is an ongoing process, which I’m definitely still working on and developing everyday. There is no quick fix, no Age of Empires-esque reveal map cheat code in real life, but, much like the game, the hard work makes the win much more gratifying. This post is spot on. This pretty much sums up my problems with how I deal with my emotions, and the negative effects this has on my relationships. One thing I want to add though, is that when I am escaping my emotions, the cost of escape seems less than the cost of facing my emotions at that moment. Only later, after I become emotionally conscious, do I realize the destructive effects of escape. I think a lot of people are caught up in this cycle of cost-benefit
kathryn Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 Thanks for the feedback, y'all! That's a really impressive article, Kathryn. I really liked reading it I have this weird fascination with your phrase "little parts." For some reason I just picture walking up to a tall burly man and asking him if he is being gentle with his little parts today. Even the burliest of men has little parts. One thing I want to add though, is that when I am escaping my emotions, the cost of escape seems less than the cost of facing my emotions at that moment. Only later, after I become emotionally conscious, do I realize the destructive effects of escape. I think a lot of people are caught up in this cycle of cost-benefit Can you tell me more about your experience with the "destructive effects of escape"? Not entirely sure if I know what you mean. 1
myclippedwings Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Thanks for the feedback, y'all! Even the burliest of men has little parts. Can you tell me more about your experience with the "destructive effects of escape"? Not entirely sure if I know what you mean. For example, instead of being present with my emotions, I flee into gaming/music or any other sort of distraction. I then lose the time I could have spent learning to be comfortable with y emotions rather than escaping them. And since I suppress my sense of self, all I feel then is a sense of uncomfortable anxiety that then further fuels the cycle. In a nutshell, some of the effects I experience are: Poor health A massive wasting of time Almost no sense of self after "escaping" for a long time Procrastination, not being able to be productive etc. 1
inquirius Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 There's a therapist, Peter Gerlach, who has a theory about "incomplete grief," which often stands in the way of being honest with yourself. I think he and his work deserve a lot more attention in the discussion on honesty and maybe an interview with Stefan, if the former is still alive. Here's his website: http://sfhelp.org/site/pkg.htm Your article is a good contribution and I agree that behavior is voluntary; I would add a concurring opinion that many dysfunctional people develop such ingrained, erroneous behavior patterns that the steps laid out in your article are very difficult to follow if the individual hasn't already had some therapy or isn't inherently introverted. You do, however, acknowledge the importance of therapy in your article, so were I to change something, I would just put the mention of therapy at the beginning rather than near the end, since I see it as almost a prerequisite. Also, the Age of Empires example made my day! We should play sometime. 2
bpala Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Thank you for sharing the article. It was very well written and I felt connected to your thoughts and feelings while reading the post. After doing some journaling, I've realized I fog a lot when people ask me what my plans for the weekend are, especially if I don't have any extra exciting plans, and also when I am asked how my weekend went. Thinking back, I have shaped many of my activities to conform more to what I think will be an acceptable answer to the question: "what did you do this weekend?" I also realized a lot of guilt, and later regret, was caused when I did things alone. I've been spending a lot of my time alone, reading and working on my self knowledge. I'm trying to figure out how to be honest with myself and avoid fogging when dealing with small talk type situations on Monday mornings; I think the answer can be unpacked pretty quickly once I reread the article. 1
Tony Crowe Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 kathryn, Hello! Thanks for writing the article and sharing it here. Most people don’t intend to be dishonest. That goes counter to what I've observed. People spend a lot of time practicing "scripts" which are like automated responses for different situations and also coaching others to do the same. I think the point is to deceive, halt intimacy, and streamline or make more efficient the false self. Would you agree? Slow down, be gentle, learn about yourself, and practice are all helpful to remember and thanks for the encouragement! I will do that. I also like the body connection. I think that's important too. The Age of Empires strategy is really nice. It does feel sometimes like some space has to be made for new growth, you know? Did you alter existing relationships in a sort of RTR way? The practice section hints at it. Thanks and be well, -Tony
flazak Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Good article, I liked reading it. Every article like this allows me to fit the jigsaw pieces together and solve my problems I am rapidly realising that: Bad Programming Lack of correct stimulation Trying to 'fit in' Peer Pressure False 'selves' Are all getting in the way of being yourself, the true self. Let go and almost go on autopilot and things become effortless. The more effort, the more fighting inside the head and the more you fight against change, the worse you get mentally and physically. It sounds straightforward, but it is not. You may be trying to undo decades of 'bad programming' - if you have to have an internal discussion with several people inside your head before you can actually communicate then your going to struggle ! We need to stop living inside our heads and actually live. For me this starts with learning about the real world and learning how we got to the present day. Learn about yourself - get to the bottom of things, get to the roots. It is very important not to rush and not to let yourself get overwhelmed. Just make a little progress everyday. If you sit there watching youtube videos thats fine as long as they are the right ones. Your not procrastinating, your learning. Your brain will gradually piece the bits of knowledge together and put them into context with your personal situation and then those false selves will begin to fade away. Peter Gerlach is brilliant! I have found him yesterday thanks to this thread and I intend to look into his work when I feel like it and whenever I have any issues in the future. 3
kathryn Posted April 16, 2016 Author Posted April 16, 2016 Thank you for sharing the article. It was very well written and I felt connected to your thoughts and feelings while reading the post. After doing some journaling, I've realized I fog a lot when people ask me what my plans for the weekend are, especially if I don't have any extra exciting plans, and also when I am asked how my weekend went. Thinking back, I have shaped many of my activities to conform more to what I think will be an acceptable answer to the question: "what did you do this weekend?" I also realized a lot of guilt, and later regret, was caused when I did things alone. I've been spending a lot of my time alone, reading and working on my self knowledge. I'm trying to figure out how to be honest with myself and avoid fogging when dealing with small talk type situations on Monday mornings; I think the answer can be unpacked pretty quickly once I reread the article. Thank you for sharing. I can definitely relate. For a while in my life I was spending time alone partly because I was super depressed (and suffering from Asshole Proximity Disorder). Feeling defeated and worthless, I didn’t have the energy to do much on the weekends, and that didn’t feel like a choice, more like a limitation. After being introduced to FDR and getting the corrupt people out of my life, I didn’t feel depressed anymore, and spending time alone felt empowering and productive. Months of thinking, journaling, and listening to podcasts is awesome, but I was afraid it would be difficult to explain to the average person what that meant to me. From the outside, it looks like a lot of sitting around. But it’s interesting as I’m becoming more comfortable being direct about how I spend my time, most people are pretty relaxed and receptive. I’m expecting them to react the way my overachieving mother did, who had to have every minute of her day filled with tangible accomplishments, but most people are curious and interested when I tell them some of the things I’ve been learning and thinking about. That’s my current strategy in terms of how to respond when people ask what I’ve been doing lately, I discuss some of the ideas that have been on my mind lately, and it’s made small talk so much more interesting and fun. Also, if you haven’t read Quiet yet, you should immediately. That goes counter to what I've observed. People spend a lot of time practicing "scripts" which are like automated responses for different situations and also coaching others to do the same. I think the point is to deceive, halt intimacy, and streamline or make more efficient the false self. Would you agree? I’m not sure. My experience has been that foggy responses are the result of the un-examined mind. The point may be to deceive and halt intimacy, but I don't think that it's conscious, which why reactions are automated. Everyone knows that lying is wrong, so the only way they can continue that behavior is through the plausible deniability that arises from unawareness. Did you alter existing relationships in a sort of RTR way? The practice section hints at it. Yes, the majority of my pre-FDR relationships did not survive much RTRing. Thanks and be well, -Tony I’m glad you liked the article. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. Good article, I liked reading it. Every article like this allows me to fit the jigsaw pieces together and solve my problems I am rapidly realising that: Bad Programming Lack of correct stimulation Trying to 'fit in' Peer Pressure False 'selves' Are all getting in the way of being yourself, the true self. Let go and almost go on autopilot and things become effortless. The more effort, the more fighting inside the head and the more you fight against change, the worse you get mentally and physically. It sounds straightforward, but it is not. You may be trying to undo decades of 'bad programming' - if you have to have an internal discussion with several people inside your head before you can actually communicate then your going to struggle ! We need to stop living inside our heads and actually live. For me this starts with learning about the real world and learning how we got to the present day. Learn about yourself - get to the bottom of things, get to the roots. It is very important not to rush and not to let yourself get overwhelmed. Just make a little progress everyday. If you sit there watching youtube videos thats fine as long as they are the right ones. Your not procrastinating, your learning. Your brain will gradually piece the bits of knowledge together and put them into context with your personal situation and then those false selves will begin to fade away. Peter Gerlach is brilliant! I have found him yesterday thanks to this thread and I intend to look into his work when I feel like it and whenever I have any issues in the future. Hell yes. 3
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