August Boulder Posted February 28, 2016 Posted February 28, 2016 edit >>> EXTREMELY LONG POST. Sorry about this! Please skip this post and go to #2, unless you have lots of time of course. Hello everyone! I would like to thank you in advance for reading my post, and for any insight you may be able to offer. I have been putting this off for quite some time, thinking that it would not really help to share my problems with the community. The way I have justified this is basically by telling myself that I already know what I must do. In other words, I tell myself that I must seek a professional therapist, that I must make new friendships, that I must sever my negative relationships, that I must be more productive, etc. etc. etc. – and come to the conclusion that you will tell me the same thing, and so that it would be useless to come to you with my doubts and fears. That is all nonsense though, and I can see right through it. I understand that I am evading this need to open up, in fear of coming to conclusions that I may not want to grasp. These are conclusions that I have already come to in my own mind, but perhaps I'm afraid of hearing them from others, or maybe I'm afraid of the opposite – that my conclusions (I'm lazy, I'm too scared, I will never really be normal, I'm too far behind, it's way too hard, I can't do it) are totally wrong, and that this may take some weight off my shoulders, weight that I may be using to punish myself for God knows what (this what is probably the most important obstacle I face). Even doing this right now, is starting to feel quite difficult. I'm starting to feel that sensation in my throat that usually precedes crying. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable, and I think my mind is actively looking for distractions that may help me avoid having to finish this post. A part of me is a bit fearful of the response I may receive, although I acknowledge fully how irrational that is, considering that the responses I have seen here are always quite kind and generally very empathetic and helpful. So, where does this fear come from? Maybe from a general sense of inferiority? The very thought of speaking to Stefan has always left me with a sense of curiosity, alarm, shame, and fear – but in a very disinterested sort of way, like it's something I don't think would ever occur, because I don't see myself far enough down the road of self-knowledge to seek that out, and because I've always thought that I would be able to advance far enough on my own through books and journaling and such. This is probably part of my problem, and I'm starting to acknowledge that. I tend to be too individualistic in the sense that I always think that I can do things on my own, generally distrust others' abilities and capacity to help, and yet never quite seem to be able to do anything at all. However, I blame this on myself, on my constant state of melancholy and inability to concentrate on the here and now. I blame myself for always thinking of what's ahead and never on today. I'm very much a daydreamer, but I know that the sources of this problem are within me and are solvable, and so I am now looking for professional help. I hope I haven't been rambling too much and that the above helps you get an idea of where I'm coming from. Now some background: I'm originally from Mexico, and moved with my mother and half-sister to the US at the age of 6. My father stayed behind. My parents were not married, and my father was 16 years older than my mother (38-22 when I was born). I was a very creative child, and liked being alone, never had much friends, and fortunately suffered very little in terms of physical abuse. I started out well in school (public school as we've always been quite poor, my mother left school at 16 when my sister was born, and her family was also very much poor) and was even put in gifted and talented classes, as I was very good with art and enjoyed reading. However, due to lack of guidance or interest from any adult, I began to do worse and worse in school and finally dropped out of high school at the age of 19 I believe (I had always been a year behind because it took me a year to learn English after I arrived, I think I was a junior then but very much behind). I dropped out because I was told I could just take an equivalency exam and obtain my GED, I was not told however that it was necessary to be an American citizen to do so (I was not) and so that never happened. I worked as a waiter and helping an uncle in real estate for a while, before deciding to move back to Mexico where I could be "free" to live my life as I pleased. I was very proud then, falsely so, and the idea of having to ask someone to break the law so that I could work just made feel so ashamed that the idea of living in Mexico really seemed like a good one. I lived with my father for some time in a small city on the Mexican border (where he had moved to be closer to me after he had been deported from the US for having overstayed his visa) for a while, about 10 months, and then I managed to move to a large city with the help of money my mother made available to me. The time I spent with my father has been probably the worse period in my life, because I depended on him but the guy really is about as broken a man as I've ever seen, and obviously he carries a lot guilt in regards to me, and long story short I'm just really angry at him to this day. After I left my father, I came to Guadalajara, the city I'm originally from and which is quite a large city and had many more opportunities for me. I worked in call centers for a while, and then in bicycle shops (something I'm very much into). I had read Ayn Rand in my teens, and this is what I think saved me and is still responsible for keeping my flame alive. I think it caused a few problems too, because I think I tried to be like her heroes for a while, and well that's really not a very smart thing to do. I think I repressed a lot of emotions during my teens and early to mid 20's because of this. I was very hard on myself. I'm sorry I feel like I'm straying a bit from the point, but I think I know what's next. After living alone for a few years, my father came down here to try and be closer to me. We lived separately and saw each other frequently, but then we had an argument and I basically cut him off completely after explaining everything in a very long text message. I basically said to him that he was a bad influence on me, and that he was the same guy who had abandoned me as a child (by being a bad partner to my mother and forcing her to leave him). I also said to him that his interest in the esoteric was only a way for him to believe in impossible things, which made it easy for him to imagine that he and I could actually have a healthy relationship. Plus, my father was sexually active from a very young age, something I know marked him deeply and is probably the cause of all his neurosis and guilt. Then, I at some point got fed up with my job, and quit. I had only been working and daydreaming in my free time, and I had not been thinking much about my future, or making any friends. I was still very proud then, and had never been very sociable, and found it quite difficult to relate either to nationals or others who too had come back from the US. At this point, I thought I would leave the city and go live in small town, where I could work hard and live a simple life away from the distractions of the city. I didn't plan this terribly well however, and ended up with no money and my things on the sidewalk. And so I reached out my father, or my abuser, and have been living with him ever since. For a good while I descended into a very deep mental fog, and forgot all about what had originally made me break ties with my father. I started working at a bike shop and earning just enough to pay for my basic needs. I lived this way for some time, and was going deeper and deeper into this sort of zombie state. Then my mother came to visit me recently and really forced an awakening which had been building up the months prior to her arrival. I was devastated. My emotions, which had been turned off for years, suddenly were brought back to life and it scared the shit out of me. After having been numb for years I started to really feel and it was all quite overwhelming. My mother, who I'd had a generally good relationship with, suddenly made me see just how unfit I was to deal with reality. When she was here I felt like I was in a way responsible for her, and this made feel totally inadequate. It made me very nervous, and I had not seen my mother for about 7 years, and so this also shocked me into life again. Since then I have taken up listening to FDR again, which I had not been doing mostly due to not owning either a pc or a smartphone, and basically just not looking into self-knowledge before this event. Although, to be honest, I've always had a need to keep a diary, even if at times I have ignored it for months – it's an urge that always comes back, and I have hundreds of journal entries in physical journals, iphone notes, word documents, etc. I may share some if anyone is interested in listening to my inner voice. Right now, I am making enough to pay my bills, and thankfully can do this through one part time job. The free time I have I want to invest in some project that will allow me to make more money in the future, such as elaborating some cycling-related apparel or perhaps developing the talent I know I possess but have not developed. However, I tend to spend most of my time between all sorts of different interests and cannot seem to make up my mind which to focus on. I feel like there's no one in my life that has genuine interest in me or that has the knowledge to guide me in any direction or offer any real advice. Also, I'm still very much in an English-language frame of mind. I speak good Spanish, but am not totally fluent as in I cannot write very well or articulate my thoughts with the precision I wish I could – I'm still very lacking in terms of vocabulary, but I don't have the will to focus on working on my skills because I'm really not sure I want to continue in this country, on the other hand, I don't see the possibility of leaving this country any time soon. I sway between thinking that I will never find anyone worth making friends with here, and that there have to be people worth making friends with but that I will never know if I don't reach out. However, I feel like I having nothing to offer, and like I have to work hard and study hard before earning the right to ask for anyone's friendship. I'm also very frightened of taking the risk in trusting someone only to have their irrationality surface later and destroy the bond I though we had created. I feel like no one is interested in self knowledge, and no one is capable of being vulnerable and sharing themselves openly. I try to be very open and share my thoughts and emotions with the people currently in my life but they are very rarely reciprocal and tend to avoid this kind of conversations. I haven't had an amorous relationship in 10+ years, and have only met 3 women I have genuinely liked in the 8 years I have been here, but I have not had the courage to start a conversation because I just feel so inadequate, so far behind in life, and so painfully conscious that I have very little to offer anyone. I now understand, thanks to Stefan, that I cannot do this alone – but is there anything else I can do beside therapy to strengthen my will, and to find my path? I feel like this isn't really the point of my post, but I don't know how to frame my exasperation into a sentence. It's so many things, a lot which I did not even touch on. I know I need to reach out to a professional, and I'm in the process of finding the right one. If I may ask a question in regards to this – what kind of therapist should I look for? I've come across a lot psychoanalysts but I'm not sure if they're all Freudians, and then there are cognitive behaviorists (?), and a thing called Gestalt. I've looked for analytical psychologists, but have had no luck – they all seem to do something other than individual therapy sessions. Also, is it a good idea to read about psychology? Should I read Alfred Adler, Alice Miller, C.G. Jung ... or could this have the effect of confusing me rather than helping me? Could it not hurt to go into therapy with this knowledge? In the sense that it may interfere with the therapists' work? I'm very sorry for the lengthy post, but I do not know what I should cut out to make it shorter. In a way I think it gives a good idea of where I am – all over the place, confused. Thank you for reading.
August Boulder Posted March 1, 2016 Author Posted March 1, 2016 Here is a shorter version of the OP. Hope someone will take the time to reply! So there’s a question that I’ve been trying to formulate in my head today, to try and make this post shorter and therefore easier to digest. And the question goes as follows (after the question, I try to give some background to clarify): Is my hesitation to take up anything seriously due to my fear that in doing so I will start shaping an identity haphazardly, or to put it another way, without following a consciously reviewed and accepted set of moral standards? In other words, could it be possible that I see in the act of creating an identity though daily interaction with the world, which I now avoid, the danger of adopting false or ambiguous moral standards, in the absence or ignorance of an ethical framework. I consider that I have yet to form a real identity – I have yet to solidify, and remain in a liquid state. I know that sounds odd, but bear with me here, I think I can explain it. I was very creative as a child, and liked being alone to explore my own ideas through art and games. I only have one sibling, a half-sister 6 years older than I, who is deaf-mute. All through public school I had very few friends, and as a poor immigrant with practically no parental guidance or attention, I never quite fit in. I was what kids tend to call a “freak” and routinely made fun of. After dropping out of high school I worked a few odd jobs, then moved back to Mexico and have been working in bicycle shops. I tend to look for jobs that do not require too much of me, require me to deal too much with people, or take up too much of my time. I avoid confrontation, and challenges. I recently discovered just how wrong this is in light of my future – if I am to have a future, I must take risks and develop character through action! I understand now just how important this is, and that I have been evading my responsibility to myself. However, there’s an obstacle that I just cannot figure out as of yet. I think that the obstacle is my belief that without a consciously adopted set of moral standards, I will be putting the “child” in me in risk of abuse by setting out to “make my life” without this prerequisite. By “child” I mean that flame, that spark of innocence that I feel is still flickering within me, and which I think I have been protecting by avoiding interaction and challenges. Does this seem at all plausible? Or is it just a pretext for my fear of dealing with an irrational world? edited for spacing
Mister Mister Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Hi August, that's quite a story. I'm not sure what your question is besides "is it a good idea to read psychology", "does this seem at all plausible", and your opening request for "perspective". I'm not an expert in psychology so maybe I'll leave those questions for others. It kind of strikes me that the scattered and somewhat confusing nature of how you've told your story is a reflection of your state of mind at the moment, which is totally understandable. Would you answer some questions? Are you still living with your father? If so, why? You mentioned your father as abusive...can you tell us what you mean specifically? Can you elaborate on your conflict with him? Why do you think your mother chose your father? Have you ever talked about this with her? If you leave Mexico, would you come back to the US? Do you have citizenship? Where else might you go, if anywhere? Can you be more specific about what you think are your talents, and list for us some of your goals? It's completely natural to have bigger ambitions than the world will allow, this is just the economic reality of human desires always exceeding available resources. I like to think that even if technology had eliminated scarcity, and medicine had cured death, we would still regret there not being enough time for everything. But you can start to negotiate this by evaluating the costs and benefits of your various ambitions I hope that's a helpful start, and I'm sorry for what you've been through and commend your commitment to making a better life. 1
neeeel Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Here is a shorter version of the OP. Hope someone will take the time to reply! So there’s a question that I’ve been trying to formulate in my head today, to try and make this post shorter and therefore easier to digest. And the question goes as follows (after the question, I try to give some background to clarify): Is my hesitation to take up anything seriously due to my fear that in doing so I will start shaping an identity haphazardly, or to put it another way, without following a consciously reviewed and accepted set of moral standards? In other words, could it be possible that I see in the act of creating an identity though daily interaction with the world, which I now avoid, the danger of adopting false or ambiguous moral standards, in the absence or ignorance of an ethical framework. I consider that I have yet to form a real identity – I have yet to solidify, and remain in a liquid state. I know that sounds odd, but bear with me here, I think I can explain it. I was very creative as a child, and liked being alone to explore my own ideas through art and games. I only have one sibling, a half-sister 6 years older than I, who is deaf-mute. All through public school I had very few friends, and as a poor immigrant with practically no parental guidance or attention, I never quite fit in. I was what kids tend to call a “freak” and routinely made fun of. After dropping out of high school I worked a few odd jobs, then moved back to Mexico and have been working in bicycle shops. I tend to look for jobs that do not require too much of me, require me to deal too much with people, or take up too much of my time. I avoid confrontation, and challenges. I recently discovered just how wrong this is in light of my future – if I am to have a future, I must take risks and develop character through action! I understand now just how important this is, and that I have been evading my responsibility to myself. However, there’s an obstacle that I just cannot figure out as of yet. I think that the obstacle is my belief that without a consciously adopted set of moral standards, I will be putting the “child” in me in risk of abuse by setting out to “make my life” without this prerequisite. By “child” I mean that flame, that spark of innocence that I feel is still flickering within me, and which I think I have been protecting by avoiding interaction and challenges. Does this seem at all plausible? Or is it just a pretext for my fear of dealing with an irrational world? this strikes a chord with me. Ever since I can remember I have felt like I need to protect something, I think that the way you put it , the spark, the flame, the child, is close. The way I have protected it is by withdrawing, it feels like if I interact with people I will be somehow contaminated. That I will lose something vitally important. It also feels like taking on another identity , such as "adult" or "employee" or "father" would also threaten that which I need to protect. I am in therapy, and I guess what we are questioning is, do I still need to protect myself? Can I be, and do, in the world, and still keep that which is important to me safe? Will I be contaminated? I dont have any clear answers yet. But I think therapy is one ( perhaps the only) way to find the answers to these questions. It sounds like you had a horrible childhood, and you had great need to protect yourself. We need to re-learn, or be re-parented, in order to be able to act AND keep ourselves safe.
August Boulder Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 Wow, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to go through all this, very much so. At the moment I am living with my father, sadly enough. As I mentioned, I just recently came out of this fog and back on course with self-knowledge, something I had set aside for a long time. Why am I still living with him? For a false sense of security I suppose, and it's funny how I'm just now really understanding this. I think I've always known it but I just did not want to accept it. I suppose I was still expecting something from him, or rather I think it helped in me some way to evade my responsibilities and put them on him, although I knew he'd never come through and besides that it would be totally out of character with him and not to mention too late in my life for that. My conflict with him basically consists of he never having taken responsibility for me, and having abandoned me by being a bad husband to my mother which made her leave him. He however has never been physically abusive. In my childhood my mother was responsible for physically punishing me, and although it was not frequent, and she now apologizes for it and claims to have been ignorant of wrongdoing, I realize that I still feel certain anger towards her and certainly it interferes with our relationship. I've never talked with my mother about why she chose my father, because it is fairly obvious to me that my father seduced her. My mother gave birth to my older sister when she was 16, and she met my father when she was 20/21. I was born when she was still 21 years old, and my father was 38 at the time. And so I imagine, my mother uneducated as she was, probably considered he would be a provider for both my sister and myself. My father is rather quite well-read, and must have had many tricks up his sleeve to conquer young women. It's part of the reason I tend to place most of the blame on him rather my mother, although she too is responsible. I tend to see her more as a victim though. If I leave Mexico, I don't think I would go back to the US. I don't know really yet what would suit me best, but it certainly seems like an English-speaking country would be my best option. Another option, and one I'm seriously considering, is to perfect my Spanish and try to spread the word of non-violent parenting and libertarian philosophy here in Mexico. I think I have talent for the arts, and have always thought of myself as an artist. However, I have been so lost the past 10 years of my life, that I've yet to take any activity up. I would specifically like to become a filmmaker, but I understand just how utterly absurd that is considering I've done nothing in the field, and know practically nothing about it (except what I like and would like to create). And so at times I think that this idea of my talent is really just a fantasy, taking into account that I've done nothing to prove it in any way shape or form (outside of my own head). And then there's the 10,000 hours argument – which makes total sense to me, and brings me back to earth in an instant (maybe about an inch off the ground, I can't let go of that dream). I would also like to write, and maybe even paint, but at present I see those goals as something to pursue once I get my life economically on track by starting a small business. I'm sure I could run a business successfully, because everywhere I have worked I've always been painfully aware of what my bosses have been doing wrong. Of course, it's probably very easy for any employee to say this, and no I did not do everything within my reach to correct what they did wrong, but I honestly do think I could do it. However, I've always had my head in the clouds and never really considered that possibility until quite recently. I think my feet are getting closer and closer to ground now. Therapy will probably help make things much clearer for me.
August Boulder Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 this strikes a chord with me. Ever since I can remember I have felt like I need to protect something, I think that the way you put it , the spark, the flame, the child, is close. The way I have protected it is by withdrawing, it feels like if I interact with people I will be somehow contaminated. That I will lose something vitally important. It also feels like taking on another identity , such as "adult" or "employee" or "father" would also threaten that which I need to protect. I am in therapy, and I guess what we are questioning is, do I still need to protect myself? Can I be, and do, in the world, and still keep that which is important to me safe? Will I be contaminated? I dont have any clear answers yet. But I think therapy is one ( perhaps the only) way to find the answers to these questions. It sounds like you had a horrible childhood, and you had great need to protect yourself. We need to re-learn, or be re-parented, in order to be able to act AND keep ourselves safe. It's so good hear that someone else identifies with these ideas. Thank you. Sorry for the delayed response, my last post was being processed and I did not get a chance to respond to you in that one. This is part of the reason I now want to find a good therapist. I have so many questions and doubts regarding myself, and really feel an urgency to figure this all out. I feel as if I will never get ahead unless I do, and fear the most terrible of consequences – I have the strangest feeling that I am somehow in danger of suffering an anxiety disorder or breakdown. The very brief period during which I used drugs (pot, lsd) I became acutely aware of just how fragile my mental stability really was. I actually don't feel like I had a terrible childhood – but come to think of it, I am probably just in denial. I can remember now the day I found out my father had been arrested/deported (not sure exactly what happened), after a run-in with the law, and how I felt while everyone in my house spoke of the incident but no one bothered to explain it to me or tell me that he would be going away for a long time. After that everyone lied to me about his whereabouts, but I remember being sure that he was in prison (though I have my doubts now), and I remember keeping quiet about it and just pretending I believed what they all said to me. God, how awful. :/
Matthew Ed Moran Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I read your entire first post. I feel like I am facing a mirror. When I read your post I experienced familiarity. In my teens, I began to become extremely depressed. The self attack was brutal, raw, and punishing. I was terrified of confronting it. In all my relationships, my feeling of worthlessness was being reinforced. I became more dissociated from my terror. I am not sure if this decreased my suffering. I've had this confusion for a long time, and perhaps only now have some insight into it from afar. Terror can be a liberating experience. But I think what I have excelled at is avoiding confrontation with my terror. I was dissociated, like I said, but the results of this were worse emotions than terror. Instead I faced depression, vanity, hatred, jealousy, shame, and a general feeling that I'd rather be dead than living most of the time. But the terror was my first experience, and all these other experiences and emotions followed as I tried to avoid terror. The terror itself was not what I was avoiding. I was avoiding terror as a means to keep my parents near me. Because as a child, avoiding terror if your parents are the cause of your terror is absolutely necessary. Children react to trauma like a light reacts to the flick of a switch. They break swiftly in the face of danger from their parents, and they have adapted to over evolutionary history as a mechanism to survive. If they can grow and pass on their genes, how much trauma they carry with them is irrelevant if the only other option would be genetic death. Understanding this was and continues to be important to me, because it is describes empirically the workings of my self. Every self I ever was, was an adaptation and direct result to the environment I was in. And every interpretation I had of my environment was based on years of history of experiencing and adapting to trauma. Additionally, in a sense the fundamental purpose of the psyche from an evolutionary stand point is to manage the outside environment by adapting the inside environment. The ultimate result of being in a traumatic environment and continuing in it year after year is the eventual succession of the psyche to dissociate. It is much easier to treat all problems as the same if there is only one specific problem you are most concerned about. If the idea of your parents abandoning or rejecting you is a worse fear than anything else, then it makes sense to focus your psyche to adapt itself to the trauma you've been inflicted with. I think fog is a very specious method of treating all situations as the same, by refusing to look beyond the present so that you can never see past your chains of parental abandonment and rejection towards a very different sort of life. Philosophy is the cure to this in my opinion, but it is a slow cure. Philosophy fundamentally is about looking towards the future I would argue. Philosophy itself looks at principles. But the principles are used and implemented to effect the future. Where your evolutionary adaptation is responsible for the overwhelming portion of your desires and feelings, the grand nature of philosophy is that it can see past you being overwhelmed in the moment towards a greater overall happiness in the future. And the glory of it is to provide you with the certainty and clarity you need to encounter something like terror, become accustomed to it, and then heal yourself of your drive to avoid it. That is my completely amateur opinion so consider what I said with that, but hopefully there was something of value provided at least towards understanding the difference between philosophy, the nature of truth and virtue, and the obstacles that are necessarily encountered in pursuit of being true, philosophical, and virtuous - after all if these are the path towards happiness and fulfillment and love and harmony, then they are relevant towards deciding your course of action in your more immediate future.
August Boulder Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 Thank you for your reply Matthew, and for sharing the connection you drew from my post, it has certainly been helpful. I wouldn't go as far calling what I experienced terror, though I empathize (as far as I can) with your experiences. I think I was rather lucky in that most of the trauma that I went through as a child was indirect, as there was less verbal and physical abuse than neglect. And this means that although I was abused every now and then, I was mostly just left on my own and ignored, which helped me preserve my spirit. Had I suffered more physical violence I would surely have been crushed beneath it. It sounds to me like you've studied your share of philosophy and psychology, and it certainly seems to have helped. I am on this path now, which I had wanted to do many times before, but was never allowed to I guess by my own trauma. Now that I can see the big picture a bit clearer, I am less afraid to read into it. I'm actually listening to one of Jung's books now, and am quite astounded by it. It's fascinating. I remember a few days of really quite painful emotion following the crisis I went through after my mother came down to visit. This is when my emotions where turned back on so to say. It is a pain unlike which I had ever felt before, and hope to never feel again – although there is probably quite a lot more of that where it came from, to be brought back up in future therapy. The best way I can describe this pain, is like a very sharp dagger stuck right at the very center of my soul. It made physical pain seem like child's play, and I've had my share of it. It the absolutely most horrible thing I've ever felt in my life.* And it was all of the emotion I had withheld for years and years, mostly from my extreme self-imposed solitude and thirst for friendship and love. Curiously enough, my empathy too was awakened and that caused a whole lot of new emotions to also surge. In a country like Mexico, it is not too hard to find images that very quickly put things in perspective. There's so much suffering here, it's almost too much to bear. I try to stay away from the poorest areas, but really it's all around us. * If I could elaborate on this feeling, I would further describe it as a very small and very sharp point in my heart radiating powerful waves of painful heat throughout everything that is me. I just thought it might be interesting to others for me to give a clearer idea of what this felt like, perhaps someone else can identify the feeling – maybe it's even got a name? (edited to add this)
Matthew Ed Moran Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 August it's great to hear back from you so quickly. I'm glad you found my post engaging enough to write back, even if it was true that I was describing experiences more personal to me. Sure, it's a possibility. But in your reply it is interesting that you said "I wouldn't call what I felt terror." I might not have been completely clear on this point, so I appreciate you bringing it up. What I was writing about in my post was what I thought was relevant for you to understand, but which also might be a new perspective for you. I did not mean to comment on one particular event, but I was trying to identify a trend that you might be able to see your life according to. I understand if you do not feel terror now. In fact, that would be evidence of exactly what I was talking about. Terror is experienced by children especially. It is experienced by all children who are traumatized. The terror is there to manage the threat of abandonment. If a child can in any way influence his or her own actions to keep their care giver from abandoning them, they will do so. The terror I am talking about I would say is not even a conscious experience. It can be. You may have memories of terror, or you may not. It depends when we first are facing the threat of abandonment. If you are extremely young and perceive any threat of being abandoned, you will adapt to minimize the threat in any way you can. A part of minimizing the threat is to become dissociated from the terror, and instead of experiencing terror directly at your caregivers and expressing your concern about being abandoned, you are forced to let out your terror only where it is safer. A child will experience terror of ghosts or monsters when they are old enough, but since these things do not exist, and since we assume terror has a real function in influencing our actions, then it would be clear the children do not really face monsters and ghosts of the supernatural, but that they are captive to real life monsters or ghosts who ignore them, scare them, threaten their very existence. They can't stop their captors from doing this. And they want desperately to survive as a biological creature. So they adapt to their environment. They manage their threats, they dissociate from their terror; and this causes confusion as an adult. You are experiencing confusion it seems to me. And I can see it in your post. You are confused that neglect is not terrifying. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you. I really am. But I also know that it can be healthy to acknowledge the true source of terror. And if you were left alone often, you were in a terrifying situation. Even if you were able to manage it. Even if you somehow got through it without really understanding how terrified you were. But the truth is, we are biological creatures with evolved senses of threat detection. If your parents were willing to neglect you and leave you home alone, that is not only a potential threat in itself, it indicates many other threats you have to face. It indicates you do not have someone to rely on were you to encounter difficulty, or danger. You could not trust in the bond between you and your parents in some fundamental sense if they were willing to do that to you. And let me be clear, I am really sympathetic towards that. It is very difficult to deal with and get a grasp on how it has effected you. The truth is you are a warrior and you survived something no child should ever be inflicted to, but now as you are developing the ability to think critically and philosophically and rationally you have some new tools. Now you can manage threats in a different way, in a conscious way. Now you can be more in control, and when you are safe you can let go and enjoy life. But if you are around abusers your psyche will adapt to scream about the threat. It is being reminded. I know that is strong imagery, but what I am describing is a base of the brain reaction. That is what it deals in. It tells you when there is something wrong, and it does what it has to get through to you, even if it is in a marginalized way such as creating fog. You are quite amazing at thinking critically and rationally and philosophically already from what I can see. I think you are on the right path. I'm sorry if my post is startling in any way, but I trust in you to be able to understand that I am not saying anything that is any more terrifying than what you have already been through. If I am correct, then I am only pointing out what is already in your life and in front of you. I am pointing out that there is a threat still, and that a part of you will always respond with terror whether you are conscious of it or not. It is simply the base of the brain reading your environment constantly and trying to still manage your first threats which you faced earlier in your childhood. It is a messy system, but it was essential for you as a child. But now clearly you are left with a mess now that you are older. I'm pissed about that August. You should be enjoying life right now. But you didn't have an ideal child hood, to say the least. It was not ideal for you to be left alone. It was wrong. That is not something you should have been forced into. You should have had the best friends and loving parents who were there to enjoy life with you. I sympathize with that, and I hope if there is anything I can do it is to tell you what was wrong about your past so you can pursue a more wonderful future away from abusive people. I do not enjoy every moment, but I enjoy many more moments just from pursuing the self knowledge I have gained. I have a lot more to pursue and a lot more difficulty to face, but I think it is encouraging that philosophy and therapy and freedomainradio are here to tell and show us how we can heal our trauma and pursue a new more everlasting existence. I guess what I am trying to say to you is that there is light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to be looking in the right direction to see it.
August Boulder Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 August it's great to hear back from you so quickly. [...] I guess what I am trying to say to you is that there is light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to be looking in the right direction to see it. Thank you again Matthew, this is all so enlightening – even if I do not fully grasp it quite yet. I think I get most of it though, and certainly can see now what you mean in your first reply and in turn see that I did not reflect full understanding in mine. Now that I understand, my head is full of so many thoughts. Now I feel great curiosity for the reality of my childhood, and everything from it that I am still afraid of discovering I want to now understand. I find it fascinating, and quite frightening to be honest. As I was reading your post, a memory pushed its way to the foreground of my mind. It's the memory of a 4 o 5 year old me in a supermarket, suddenly unable to see my father, the only adult who was with me at the time, anywhere around. I look for him everywhere but do not see him. I cry out in terror. At that moment he appears from behind a column or a wall I do not remember. He had been hiding, to tease me, to see what my reaction would be. My father's shared this story with me several times, and I never cared very much for it. I didn't find any humor in it to be sure, but I also did not feel angry at him for doing this. How awful that must have felt for me as a child. I wanted to say that I did not refer to that part of my abuse as abandonment literally, as in physically, because I had originally meant it in the sense that they did not take their responsibility to me seriously. They did not educate themselves to raise me adequately, did not take any interest in my individual traits, did not help me develop those areas I showed potential in, did not ever think of the possible consequences of their actions regarding my future life. That's a better description of what I meant by neglect. However, now that this memory has come up, I realize it could very much have been in full sense of the word. It's terrifying. I wonder if I was ever truly left alone before the age of 6. After that age I know that I was, but for some reason that does not seem as important to me. I don't know why. You've encouraged me greatly to keep on the path of self-knowledge. It feels as though I am discovering a new world. Would you mind sharing how you've reached this point? Has it been a combination of therapy and study? Would you recommend any books in particular, or anything else? I feel like I have so much mourning to do over the time I've lost, and it's really such a shame – I feel that I could have achieved so much with the right guidance and support. It's all so stupidly senseless. I read through Nick's thread on finding a virtuous woman yesterday, and I was just so amazed to see someone so young and so ahead in terms of self-knowledge, economic stability, etc. It made feel so happy for him, and so sad at myself, at all my lost opportunities. But really, it's so gratifying to see someone in their early 20's in that position. I feel like a retard, lol. And it makes me think of just how awesome what Stefan has done really is. I wonder how many people have really turned their lives around thanks to him. How much wealth has that created? Not only in terms of valuable peaceful relationships but of creative potential unlocked, and the material wealth that comes out of that. It gives me great hope for the future, and a great incentive to try and follow in his steps. 1
barn Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 On 02/28/2016 at 9:59 PM, August Boulder said: That is all nonsense though, and I can see right through it. I understand that I am evading this need to open up, in fear of coming to conclusions that I may not want to grasp. These are conclusions that I have already come to in my own mind, but perhaps I'm afraid of hearing them from others, or maybe I'm afraid of the opposite – that my conclusions (I'm lazy, I'm too scared, I will never really be normal, I'm too far behind, it's way too hard, I can't do it) are totally wrong, and that this may take some weight off my shoulders, weight that I may be using to punish myself for God knows what (this what is probably the most important obstacle I face). Hi man, Looots of people go through similar motions, so perhaps it'd curious (consider it, see what happens) to think about just how natural all the hesitation, even if there's available guidance/task list seemingly in your possession. After having read your long-ish post, and meanwhile too I couldn't pinpoint how gratitude is part of your life and what existing 'unshakeable pillars' are there for you to fall back on/back you up. Y' know, when an explorer's skills/carefully packed equipment in his backpack are essential for him 'when things go awry'. He is partly an explorer because he's been preparing to support himself, fallback on things he'd learnt prior to setting out on the perilous & unique experience of conquering 'his mountain'... life. I am saying these things because : 1. Don't beat yourself up, it's a waste of time doing so if you could be working on stuff that rather made you feel you were on the' right track at least'. (I'd infer, that's where a large chunk of your anxiety originated from. But you should be the attentive-detective who through objective observation spots what's to be spotted... anyway.) 2. Are you, your own best friend? Are your expectations reasonable to your own standards? (no/broken tools but expectation of a job done = ? what do you think of employers like that for example?) 3. In a recent call-in-show FDR 3901 - 02:15:00 starting - Jacob - I think you should listen to it. There's a very good pointer on what's it like 'feeling a push for a leap and contemplating still' "There's a right time to do things." Barnsley P.S: (be your best friend man, take the best care of yourself, listen, ask, clarify just looking for understanding especially when you notice... the doubts. They are there for a reason. Regardless of their true validity, remember we fear the unknown to protect ourselves from harm, predators. Of course you are fearless in a zoo, but will nervously jump to any noise out in the wild. It's natural. The good thing is, you can make your own fire, protection and after that you won't be paralysed. - - - self-talk - - - i.e.: If I 'hear' myself saying doubtful stuff to myself. (The other day I wanted to applaud myself for achieving a small success in progressing with my project. Then came a snarky remark in my mind belittling and instilling fear/doubts in me projecting the possibility of sad failure. I noticed and put it where it belonged. Making my next doubt come up with more reasons and less emotional charge because I had been asking for constructiveness... so my mind shifted to doing ask I kindly asked/explained before in my own self-talk to myself. MECO system, immensely helpful if you ask for help.) I said to myself: Thanks for pointing it out but it isn't helping me feel better, get ahead. I suppose 'you' want me get better that's why you came up with the doubts. What constructive ideas do you propose? I will listen. Please say it and I will do my best understanding. What useful information is there I should know? Let's do it together. Don't worry if you are wrong or partially correct. I am patient and constructive. - - - self-talk - - - Be patient and remember... 5% improvement is better than no improvement. You might not believe it but things are going to get easier as you reconnect with your wisdom. By the way, it's why people can be so sure of themselves. They just know how to discuss and evaluate doubts to the point where there's full understanding and perfect clarity. It's learnable, same as riding a bicycle. I suppose you don't think much about falling off anymore, you know to use your muscles to keep balanced.)
barn Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 Hi there @August Boulder Forgot to check when was the last time you signed back... 2years ago nearly? Anyhow, in any case you find your way back I hope you are in a better circumstance, mindset now! You could always tell people what worked for you and why? All the best, Barnsley
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