Guilt over not being a virgin

[kerou]

So, I've recently starting dating a girl, who is almost literally the girl of my dreams

 

-She comes from a good family, parents are still together and she is very close to them and her brother

-was never spanked as a child

-is anarcho in politics

-is conservative in nature

-financially stable, good job and no college debt

-never had a boyfriend

-still a virgin

-probably an 8/10 in looks IMO

 

We've agreed not to have sex until we're 100% committed and she's ready

But here's the thing, I've had a girlfriend in the past and am not a virgin. It was a bad relationship and something we've actually talked about a lot because she wanted to make sure I was completely over it and had a good assessment of what went wrong (from both ends)

 

But lately, I've been feeling guilt about not being a virgin anymore. I'm not sure why, though. I know I will treasure her a lot regardless, but I also recognize that a lot of this guilt is regret.

She's told me that she doesn't feel weird or bad about it, but she is concerned (wants me to get an STD check, which i will) and wants to take things slow regardless.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts or experiences with these emotions and how can i come to terms with them?

[shirgall]

Be open and honest with her, and come to mutual agreement on what steps to take to assure her you are much more cautious and risk-aware now than you ever were before. STD tests aren't expensive.

 

To put things in perspective, I'm sure no teenager has ever done anything risky that they knew was risky but might be fun before, so you are breaking new ground here.

 

To work on the guilt, there is always the recommended path of therapy. Self-knowledge puts the axe to anxiety.

[dsayers]

lately, I've been feeling guilt about not being a virgin anymore. I'm not sure why, though.

Only you can know. Whether it's your parents, your friends, or your society, the root shouldn't be hard to find.

 

As long as you didn't father a child or contract an STD, you're no different that somebody who's never had sex. If she says she's okay with that and you respect her, then let that be okay would be my suggestion.

[August Boulder]

You are probably right about this being more a feeling of regret, and honestly I don't think that part of it will ever fade away completely. And I come to this conclusion because I assume that you like this girl a lot more than you did your ex-girlfriend, and so I think you will always wish that she had been the first. However, don't you think that maybe you've benefited from already having had a relationship? Would I be wrong to assume that you learned something from whatever mistakes you may have made in your first relationship?

 

I say this because in my first relationship, I went a girl who I didn't particularly like but who I knew liked me and being a rather stupid teenager I just went with it. This was an awful mistake because we were totally incompatible, and I learned a very hard lesson from it. I wish my first girlfriend had been a girl I had a huge crush on then, but never had the courage to ask out. Thankfully though, I think I learned a lot from that experience, and in the end it made me realize that it occurred due in part to a lack of guidance from my parents. I wish someone had explained to me the importance of love in a relationship, and of the utmost importance of the sexual act in terms of personal values.

 

I think that if you can consider your first relationship, and in turn the loss of your virginity, simply an honest mistake you committed in a morally ignorant state and a mistake that you have learned from and which has helped you become a better person, then perhaps this sense of guilt would wane if not disappear.

 

We all reach virtue from different paths, and usually we who have had deficient parents tend to travel the longer and harder road to it. Sometimes this means that we have to commit more mistakes in our lives than those fortunate enough to have benefited from good parenting, and these mistakes cannot be erased out of existence. We have to accept them as a sort of scar in our lives, heal from them and learn from them, and move on.

 

I hope this helps. Is there anything more you can tell us about your first relationship?

[Boss]

Yea I think you should figure out why exactly you feel guilty. Is it because you believe you made a mistake losing your virginity and it not being your "dream girl"? if so I personally wouldnt feel guilty because I would have been in a different mindset that didnt see that as a mistake or wrong doing at the current time. And of course you cant change the past. 

[Matthew Ed Moran]

I wish I could help you more than just to say this, but I have a feeling you are not healthy enough to enter a relationship. You are still viewing a relationship as for the woman, not for both of you. This was so clear when you said "we are waiting until she is ready to have sex," as if you are just the giver of sex when your other is ready, regardless of your own needs. That is a very white knight approach to sex don't you think? Guilt is what happens when we are unable to hold those accountable who did us wrong. You spoke very little about your past relationship besides that it was bad, which I think is telling since it is the real subject of your post. You said you talked about it with you current GF to ease her concerns. What about you though? Did she express empathy for you, and ask about why your parents didn't intervene to keep your heart safe? Was she angry for you at those who didn't act to help you avoid this heart break? If you don't process your last relationship, get therapy, and hold those accountable who let your heart break, then your guilt will remain to squelch your self empathy and it will not allow you to be emotionally available for your current girl friend, which will harm the relationship in the long run. If you are serious about the relationship I think your capacity to be as honest as possible is key, and to get help with that if you are struggling knowing what your true emotions are (which definitely seems to be the case here).

[csekavec]

OP: I get the impression you believe she is superior to you?  

 

She's with you which declares her valuation of you to be equal to herself. Try to let this ameliorate your guilt.  On the other hand, if she is the cause of your guilt because you allow her to make you feel bad then you should examine that aspect closely. How was her reaction when you shared your feeling of guilt with her?

[shnugwa]

So, I've recently starting dating a girl, who is almost literally the girl of my dreams

We've agreed not to have sex until we're 100% committed and she's ready

But here's the thing, I've had a girlfriend in the past and am not a virgin. It was a bad relationship and something we've actually talked about a lot because she wanted to make sure I was completely over it and had a good assessment of what went wrong (from both ends)

 

But lately, I've been feeling guilt about not being a virgin anymore. I'm not sure why, though. I know I will treasure her a lot regardless, but I also recognize that a lot of this guilt is regret.

She's told me that she doesn't feel weird or bad about it, but she is concerned (wants me to get an STD check, which i will) and wants to take things slow regardless.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts or experiences with these emotions and how can i come to terms with them?

 

I really appreciate your posting of this thread. It ties closely to my own stage in the dating game.

Basically, I've been able to find a really promising FDR listener through tinder of all places, and I hope to be in your position this month!

 

I, too, am not a virgin. I have had one long-term committed monogamous relationship where sex was involved for many months. I regret this decision; she was a manipulative woman who used her sexuality as a weapon against me. My regret stems from the reckless nature and potential life-destroying consequences my actions could have had for myself and others. I would feel horrible had I impregnated her and made her a single mother.

When you say that you feel "guilt", does that feeling arise out of a sense of actually committing an immoral act? Does it rise out of the sense of making a big mistake? You use the term "regret", but I'd be curious to know where that regret stems from.

 

Also, you said she told you "not to worry about it". That's not good, I think. Why would she not show a little empathy and ask you why you feel that way? She totally might have - maybe you didn't mention that conversation in your post.

[Copper_Heart]

But lately, I've been feeling guilt about not being a virgin anymore. I'm not sure why, though. I know I will treasure her a lot regardless, but I also recognize that a lot of this guilt is regret.

She's told me that she doesn't feel weird or bad about it, but she is concerned (wants me to get an STD check, which i will) and wants to take things slow regardless.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts or experiences with these emotions and how can i come to terms with them?

 

Hello kerou,

 

First you found an absolutely sane girl. Do all the possible checks so not bring anything extra into this relationship, and as far as the rest goes:

 

I think the main problem is your feeling of guilt and regret. Notice: I am not saying they are unwarranted for, but you have to understand why do you feel that way. For that you have to understand why you had sex in first place. To give something so that you do not feel alone and judged:

 

I am my self had a most sad first sex, that I was and still am ashamed of. I was crazy for getting laid at the time. It was in no way dangerous, but it probably was one of the most pathetic experiences in my life. Am I over it? No yet.

 

So, to recap, having sex is not way deterrent to high quality relationship, but the reason why it happened and your shame about it are in no way any joking matter. I would say tackle them as soon as you can and feel free to share your experience!

 

Also I am totally subscribing to what Nick have said  and wont to underscore last sentence. Notice also, that you have not described any good characteristics you have, only bad ones, while portraying this girl in extremely good light. Not that you have to portray her worse, but it caught my attention regardelss.

[kerou]

Hi everyone,

 

Sorry for not responding sooner. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and opinions on this matter.

I brought it up to my gf a few weeks ago and we have started a continual conversation about it in an effort to come to terms with my past. She told me that she feels an anger unlike anything she's felt toward my ex due to the circumstances in which the relationship ended and the general culture of that relationship as toxic.

 

I told her about my regrets and feelings of liking her to a level I didn't even know was possible being a cause of the regret. We also talked about that experience made me the person I am today and the benefits that we both get from that (my level of appreciation of her, my patience with waiting for sex, etc).

 

But basically we've started a dialogue about it and will continue to work on it.

Just wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts.

[castus]

The real question is why feel guilty/shameful? Who's your judge? If it's your gf, you should ask why you are bending to her, or really any particular person. How are they worthy of that?

 

Surely you agree that everyone is imperfect? The question then becomes what is the most satisfying answer in relation to redemption and hope.

 

Ultimately, the dilemma around sex is first really a choice one must make that starts with a truth statement that then identifies behavior from that platform.

 

From the Christian perspective, the sanctity of certain things, such as sex, has bounds for wholesome reasons, as well as to protect you from unseen things (future consequences that may incur). The inverse of this view is pretty scary - Baal worship, child sacrifice/relations etc, sex worship....

 

If you want to protect yourself, do your self the courtesy of courting as a gentleman worthy of a hand in marriage, not just worthy of hers. That means sticking by principles regardless of her feelings. Sometimes this may mean being a servant, but you cannot do this to absurdity. Good/worthy women will pick up on this. This is probably easier to do when your strongest friendship is with Jesus Christ.

 

Wish I could have had a better handle on things when I was dating.

 

Best wishes,

 

CF

[regevdl]

That's great that you found such an amazing person and likewise to her!  

 

You seem to have been open and honest with her and taking steps to resolve any glitches from the past.  If she's ok with it, then your guilt is within yourself and you probably need to dig deeper on why that is.  I mean if she was giving you a hard time (justifiably or unjustifiably) then it would be easy to pinpoint your feelings of guilt or regret.  But she is supportive and still willing to continue the relationship so this must be from a deeper source that might have existed prior to you meeting your lady.

 

I have had regrets of my sexual past and wish I could take it all back.  But I cannot and neither can you.  Remember, when you had that sexual experience(s), you were not doing it in order to hurt your current girlfriend who you probably didn't even know.  I know that sounds redundant but it can be a destructive thing to try to change things you cannot change. 

 

Getting an STD check, doing some analysis on what went wrong in the past relationship overall is a stellar idea and I hope will bring you closure on this.

 

You seem to have grown from that past experience which means you are NOT that person anymore.  If you are NOT that person anymore (old you) then you are felling guilty/regret of things the in essence 'someone else' did.  I am not saying this to obsolve you from all bad decisions but you paid retribution by working on being a better person and finding another great person who is supporitve and empathetic and caring.  

 

It would be different if you hadn't changed at all but kept regretting the mistakes you continue to repeat.  That would be lunacy.  But you clearly have moved beyond who you were in that past.  The guilt shows that.  If you didn't care or it didn't register within you, then you would not be self aware.  

 

Best of luck in your new relationship and hope it is long lasting!

[Max Hartford]

It's just friction: try not to fuss about it too much.