How do I fit now?

[jgib]

I am in an interesting place in my life at the moment. I have been in the process of getting to know myself better then I ever have and it is both exciting and a bit daunting. I find myself in a place that is unknown and sometimes confusing.

 

I have just entered into my 50s. Two years ago my husband was killed in a farming accident. We were together for over twenty years and married just short of that. We had built a very successful life together and were very compatible. We were in it for the long haul.

 

I believe I am lucky in the sense that we lived our lives together so I knew all about the "paper work" type of issues. I have been able to concentrate more on my emotional healing. I think that will be a work in progress for a while but every day seems to be a better one in most instances.

 

My marriage was a good one, I believe. We started with nothing ( bones of our ass! ) and built a comfortable life together. Not extravagant, but we were able to do the things we loved together. We had a bit more of a traditional type of marriage. It revolved around his career and I was fine with that. I was also able to find work that I found rewarding. He was an extremely hard working man with a strong moral compass.

 

In this next phase in my life I am not sure if the person I choose to share it with will be the same though. If I could have my husband back, I would in a second, no doubts about it. But he was a difficult man with high expectations. Living with someone so driven has its challenges. I actually think the things I have learned, through here, would have made our marriage better and I think he would have been open to it.

 

I have settled into living alone. I have always been comfortable with myself and enjoyed alone time. This is much different then that though. Totally alone with my own thoughts and emotions has been challenging! I had been scared of the unknown in the beginning but this experience has taught me that it really is all unknown.

 

This leads me to thoughts about being single again. I feel totally unprepared for this at this stage in my life. So many things go through my head about this and what I read here. How do I fit now? I am through my reproductive years. (No children, decision we made together) I have had few relationships and have never really dated much. I have heard Stefan often say women at my stage in life have little value. I didn't feel that way in my marriage but now I do wonder. I have a sharp mind, am active, caring and hard working. I live a healthy lifestyle but I am overweight, struggling with a thyroid gland that gives me issues.

 

I have often felt I don't quite fit. I have interests and curiosity about things the "average" person may not be as interested in. I enjoy stimulating conversations even if I am not all that familiar with the topic. I am often uncomfortable in larger groups of people particularly if many of them are strangers.

 

Thank you to those that made it to the end of this. I would like to hear any strategies or ideas about what may be ahead for me.

[kathryn]

I have heard Stefan often say women at my stage in life have little value. 

 

Stef talks about a woman's sexual market value decreasing with age, but not her inherent value as a human being. The main idea of sexual market value is what a person has to offer reproductively. For women that is primarily fertility, which, of course, declines with age. But personal value is a very different concept, gained from virtue and goodness. Your capacity for virtue only increases as you deepen your self-knowledge, as does your ability to do good in the world. 

[DCLugi]

I am in an interesting place in my life at the moment. I have been in the process of getting to know myself better then I ever have and it is both exciting and a bit daunting. I find myself in a place that is unknown and sometimes confusing.

 

I have just entered into my 50s. Two years ago my husband was killed in a farming accident. We were together for over twenty years and married just short of that. We had built a very successful life together and were very compatible. We were in it for the long haul.

 

I believe I am lucky in the sense that we lived our lives together so I knew all about the "paper work" type of issues. I have been able to concentrate more on my emotional healing. I think that will be a work in progress for a while but every day seems to be a better one in most instances.

 

My marriage was a good one, I believe. We started with nothing ( bones of our ass! ) and built a comfortable life together. Not extravagant, but we were able to do the things we loved together. We had a bit more of a traditional type of marriage. It revolved around his career and I was fine with that. I was also able to find work that I found rewarding. He was an extremely hard working man with a strong moral compass.

 

In this next phase in my life I am not sure if the person I choose to share it with will be the same though. If I could have my husband back, I would in a second, no doubts about it. But he was a difficult man with high expectations. Living with someone so driven has its challenges. I actually think the things I have learned, through here, would have made our marriage better and I think he would have been open to it.

 

I have settled into living alone. I have always been comfortable with myself and enjoyed alone time. This is much different then that though. Totally alone with my own thoughts and emotions has been challenging! I had been scared of the unknown in the beginning but this experience has taught me that it really is all unknown.

 

This leads me to thoughts about being single again. I feel totally unprepared for this at this stage in my life. So many things go through my head about this and what I read here. How do I fit now? I am through my reproductive years. (No children, decision we made together) I have had few relationships and have never really dated much. I have heard Stefan often say women at my stage in life have little value. I didn't feel that way in my marriage but now I do wonder. I have a sharp mind, am active, caring and hard working. I live a healthy lifestyle but I am overweight, struggling with a thyroid gland that gives me issues.

 

I have often felt I don't quite fit. I have interests and curiosity about things the "average" person may not be as interested in. I enjoy stimulating conversations even if I am not all that familiar with the topic. I am often uncomfortable in larger groups of people particularly if many of them are strangers.

 

Thank you to those that made it to the end of this. I would like to hear any strategies or ideas about what may be ahead for me.

My heart goes out to you. I lost my wife of 18 years to Leukemia. It's a wound that never quite heals. 

[villagewisdom]

So sorry to hear of your loss and pleased to hear of your recovery. You sound like a very strong woman.

 

My husband has a habit of staying out on the tractor past dark and that terrifies me. He is getting better at considering my feelings but he truly loves his work and just keeps going and going and going. It's one of the things I love about him. He throws himself fully into all he does. 

 

I met my husband when I was 45 years old and married him at 50. We are married 10 years now. I'm overweight also and was when I met him. Your weight does not define you. Any man you meet will still be somewhat blinded by your sexuality no matter your size. My husband told me from the beginning that I was very sexy. It is still hard for me to receive those words but he is most definitely sincere. As Kathryn said, your personal value is not the same thing as sexual market value -- but believe me, you still have sexual value in that you are still sexually available and no worries about pregnancy. 

 

There are some really good people out there. My advice is to participate in group activities that you enjoy and you will meet others of like mind. If you are interested in remarrying, keep in mind the types of questions Stef stresses in learning about people. I have found that knowing about childhood issues is not quite as important as we get older. At middle age childhood issues should have already been addressed. What is important is what have they done about those issues. Have they grown in self knowledge and learned? Are they willing to grow and learn more? In other words, are they still whining about childhood issues or are they successfully navigating the world as an adult.

 

Look for virtues. Know what you want. Make a list of what you desire in your marriage. Make note of what you did not like about your marriage as you stated above and make note what you loved about it. You get a "do over" and can add in things that you didn't consider before. But you need to be clear about what you want.

 

For instance, my list before meeting my husband went something like this:

Friend, lover, good health, spiritually compatible, honest, devoted, loyal, good business partner, loves learning, intelligent. 

 

I'm kind of going off the top of my head so those are only some I remember but maybe not in that order and I know the list was longer. I knew him as a friend for a year before deciding he was the one. Then I turned on the (sexual) charm and the rest is history. HIndsight is 20/20 and I would now add to my list but it worked very well for me as I was not "falling in love" but simply looking for someone to receive my love with the capability of responding in kind. 

 

Go out and have fun being single. Be the person you always knew you could be. Do not pressure yourself to find that perfect relationship. Make friends and develop deep personal relationships with many men and women. Enjoy the freedom to be exactly who you are without regard to another. In marriage you always consider the other. When you are single you do not need to do that.  

 

Single men will still look at you for sexual intercourse even if you have attracted their interest with your qualities as a human being. The sexual urge is still there but has cooled somewhat and both of you have a better opportunity for knowing more about each other as individuals before sex enters into the picture. Once sex enters the picture, it will still blind you both somewhat. Be discriminating. Ask those questions. Observe his actions. And above all, be honest about what you see and hear. 

 

I know I went a little off the deep end there with advice, but you did ask. Good luck in your new adventures. 

[Brad Sherard]

Thank you for sharing something so personal. It says a lot about your trust in people here.

 

I won't tell you what you should do but I will point out some facts that I think matter. They are pretty basic points that you might already have considered but I think they are the most important so I'll say them anyway: you already know what you want(connection), its just a matter of finding it. If that connection is a romantic relationship, I doubt it will be easy. How many unmarried men also near your age would be of sufficient quality? Probably not too many, particularly if your standards include many of the principles shared among people here. Our convictions aren't terribly common. Plus most men in that age range are either still unmarried because they aren't suited for it or are divorced because again they aren't suited for it.

 

One upside is that a lot of the nonsense younger people go through when dating is probably something you can avoid. Being completely honest about expectations from the very start can make the process efficient if clinical. I find that being immediately honest about the moral standards I hold is preferable to being circumspect and finally giving up on a person after slowly realizing through obtuse conversation just how opposed to basic principles they are. Its just a waste of time to test the waters slowly. I choose to dive right in and if I find nothing good then I can move on with my life.

 

On a practical note, as unappealing as it might sound, it would increase the odds of success by really advertising your search for a partner. I don't know how well dating sites attract quality men but you can also involve yourself with the people around you more and find social connections that way to find someone. The worst that could happen is you find interesting hobbies and friends and you are set up on some akward dates by some of your new friends.

 

I don't know how large your community is but in bigger cities, its very easy to find groups to do things. For example, I volunteer for a lot of charity work with a whole bunch of other people. One of my favorite volunteer groups goes to parks and we work to restore native plant species to the area so that it will eventually pave the way for other more fragile species to return. I like having things to do while I'm with people that doesn't feel contrived like going to a bar, perhaps you can find things like that to meet people as well, whatever hobby it happens to be. Facebook is probably the easiest way to find meetup groups if you aren't too adept with searching the web. 

 

Beyond a romantic relationship, connections to your community are essential for you as you get older. Its a practical way to ensure support as you start to slow down. The reason why I mentioned using connections from within your own community to find a potential partner is because even if that doesn't work out, it would be very much to your benefit to have a network of friends and neighbors to fall back on. Its a lot of work to build that support structure. You can't just see a person every once in a while for a trivial conversation for 10 minutes. You really have to make yourself a part of their life so that you both trust that each other will be there.

 

I have one last less practical and more philisophical thought that you might find useful: you can try to fit in by adapting yourself to the common denominator or you can make the effort to look through more people to find yourself a better match. Its just a matter of how much effort you want to spend.

[jgib]

Thank you all very much for your condolences and taking the time to read and respond to my post. You have given me more to consider.

 

I am not desperate to get into another relationship but I would like to eventually find someone that I would be interested in forming a pair bond with.

 

"I won't tell you what you should do but I will point out some facts that I think matter. They are pretty basic points that you might already have considered but I think they are the most important so I'll say them anyway: you already know what you want(connection), its just a matter of finding it. If that connection is a romantic relationship, I doubt it will be easy. How many unmarried men also near your age would be of sufficient quality? Probably not too many, particularly if your standards include many of the principles shared among people here. Our convictions aren't terribly common. Plus most men in that age range are either still unmarried because they aren't suited for it or are divorced because again they aren't suited for it."

 

These are certainly points I have considered. I am looking at all of this now because it takes me time when I meet someone. I am not one too look for the "hot guy" and think he is all that. I will admit I must find someone interesting looking, that does not mean handsome necessarily, it is in the getting to know them that they truly become attractive......or not as the case may be. It is a slow process for me.

 

If a man starts to focus too much on my appearance, for example telling me over and over how beautiful I am, I become uncomfortable. I think many men are conditioned to do this. It just makes me wonder if they are really seeing me or not. (Just as a note I don't think I am particularly physically beautiful, I believe in the gene lottery I have received enough to be physically attractive to many men but not so much that it draws the attention of women to see me as competition.) I am much more comfortable if someone notes my kindness or my sence of humour or how content they feel when we are together.

 

The whole sex thing is another story altogether! Don't get me wrong, I believe it is important in a healthy relationship but I have had very few partners, the last for over 20 years! Also the last, first time I had I was still in my twenties. Man, that seems so long ago.

 

Thanks for reading my ramblings again. I look forward to any other thoughts people may have. I don't want to seem like I am in a rush but these are some of the things I have been thinking about. Not really a subject all my married friends understand so much.

[jgib]

I did a longer post but it is in waiting land...

 

I have given many things to think about.

 

"I have one last less practical and more philisophical thought that you might find useful: you can try to fit in by adapting yourself to the common denominator or you can make the effort to look through more people to find yourself a better match. Its just a matter of how much effort you want to spend."

 

This is something I have thought about the past little bit. I am not sure I can adapt myself to the common denominator, but I think in many ways it is the more successful option.

[Crallask]

My heart goes out to you. I lost my wife of 18 years to Leukemia. It's a wound that never quite heals. 

Wow, that's brutal. 

 

Even as a guy in his mid 20s with no marriage experience this thread is hard to read. 

 

I can't imagine these kinds of tragedies.

[jgib]

Many of the members here comment that finding a quality woman is difficult. I am here to say it is equally difficult the other way around as well.

 

I am certainly not interested in a white knight! So many men go there when they hear I am a widow.....sigh....I really don't need saving....

Men seem to want to move far too fast for me, it is very important to me to find out who someone is, how they think and what their thought processes are before I make any sort of commitment or promises to someone. How can a person offer planned weekends away, foot rubs, and snuggles in front of a fire with someone they only know through a few texts? Whoa, put on the brakes there....

It has happened enough times now that I have started to feel very much the odd one out. This must be how others do things.

 

I have now been told I am hard to read. I know I do hold back at the beginning. I certainly don't lead with sexuality and that, I believe, is what many men are used too.

 

I am certainly not in a rush to get in a relationship and I will not compromise certain things just to be in one. I do believe because of my age it does make it even more of a challenge. I am now beginning to realize that it just may not happen and have started to come to terms with that.

 

I am glad I am able to come here to talk about this. My married friends do have a difficult time understanding.

[jgib]

Thanks for the sentiments. I know there is no 'fix' or real answers. I do have a busy life with enough down time to not be worn thin. I am lucky that way. It doesn't mean I don't miss that comfortable connection you can have with a significant other.

 

It is nice to be able to come here and vent a bit with people that may understand a little of what I speak about.

 

I have no interest in 'changing ' anyone and I am not willing to change who I am fundamentally. I am happy to compromise but wouldn't it be nice to find someone that is happy to be themselves and happy to let me be me. Sounds easy.....right?

 

cilantro, I too, enjoy gardening. Between that and my handful of chickens I always feel I have choice of ethically produced, healthy foods.